From the author: The article was written for the magazine "Profession Director" in 2012. Desire and obligation are two eternally opposing motives, without which human life is impossible. With a harmonious distribution of forces between them, a person can be successful and happy. However, when they are mismatched, significant difficulties arise in life: internal contradictions, loss of control over one’s behavior or, conversely, over-control. The imbalance of “I want” and “I need” is the cause of the problems of unsuccessful people and the root of the torment of successful people. Origins of “I want”, origin of “need” Every person is born with the ability to desire. Abraham Maslow described the hierarchy of needs in his famous “pyramid.” Primitive desires related to the needs of life - food, sleep, safety - are inherent in every person from the very beginning. If they are not satisfied, most people will only care about their implementation: as they say, “I don’t care about fat, I wish I was alive.” Next come desires associated with pleasure - food, affection, sex, etc. They are also familiar to all people. Gradually, in the process of development, a person develops more complex needs - for respect and status, success and self-realization, creativity and knowledge. In general, the heterogeneity and complexity of desires indicate the level of human development. There are people whose main motives for behavior are simple needs, others are ready to sacrifice safety and satiety for the sake of future success or the fulfillment of their dreams. Shoulds arise as a person grows up and develop gradually, in two forms. The first of them is associated with the process of socialization, during which the child understands that in order to be accepted in society, he must meet certain requirements, and they become more and more complex every year of his life. This is how conscience is formed, which may not be directly related to acceptance in society, but in any case depends on belonging to a certain circle of people, primarily to the family. The child is told that he must share, help, obey adults, etc. If he does not follow these instructions, he is scolded and punished. However, there is a second reason for the emergence of “must”. A small child, having experienced a desire, seeks its instant gratification. Gradually, he begins to understand that in order to realize his aspirations (especially difficult ones) he needs to make efforts. This is how goal setting is formed, that is, a healthy relationship between one’s desires and ways of realizing them. A well-built connection between one’s goals and the means for their implementation allows a person to achieve his goals as efficiently and rationally as possible. Obligations dictated by conscience are also necessary in order to conform to society and be accepted by it. Moral guidelines help choose appropriate measures to realize desires. Thus, ideally, a person builds his life based on his aspirations, taking into account real possibilities and relying on conscience. Broken connections are the causes of imbalance. Difficulties arise when “I want” and “I need” are mismatched, and their demands are unrealistic. There are several options for mismatches, but they all lead to unpleasant consequences both for the person himself and, often, for his environment. Possessed by passion In past centuries, such people were often considered possessed by demons and feared: their desires come above all else, the most important thing is to satisfy them. These people seem to live under the rule of their passions. Usually these are primitive needs that can lead along the path of robbery, drug addiction, destructive passion for something. In more socially acceptable versions, these are eccentric, capricious people, unable to achieve anything in life, often sitting comfortably on someone’s neck. The main motive of their life is to immediately get what they want. In some cases, the cause of the imbalance is mental or organic disorders, both congenital and acquired. But more often this is the result of improper upbringing. If a child is spoiled,strive to satisfy all his whims, he gets used to the fact that his desires are fulfilled easily, without any effort. In addition, in such families, parents often strive to “make amends” for all the unpleasant actions of their children - with persuasion, money or accusations against others. The “children” themselves rarely achieve professional success, although they often have too high demands on the employer. There are cases when, upon dismissal due to regular absenteeism, a mother unexpectedly appears at the employer’s office and causes a scandal, because her “blood” was offended. The same difficulties often arise in the families of wealthy people who, thanks to their high incomes, strive to satisfy all the desires of their children. Usually, parents come to their senses and realize who they raised too late, when the main character traits have already been formed. People driven by desires may not experience the negative consequences of their behavior if they were able to comfortably settle down “under the protection” of parents, spouses or other persons. Difficulties in their lives come when the “roof” suddenly disappears, and they are faced with the problems that they themselves create in their lives. Deprived of conscience There is also a second, more dangerous type of people whose desires come first - “deprived of conscience.” Their goal setting is not impaired; they are well aware of what needs to be done to achieve what they want. However, they have no moral limitations; they are ready to do anything to realize their desires. A striking example is Doctor Lector from the world famous film “The Silence of the Lambs.” Smart, cunning, well aware of human nature, merciless and ready to do anything to satisfy his criminal passions. But desires do not have to be asocial, like Dr. Lector’s. They can also be socially acceptable. The peculiarity is that for people without conscience all means are good. These are businessmen who are ready to make any sacrifice for the sake of their success. Or hired workers who shamelessly use their official position for personal gain, to the detriment of employees, management and the company as a whole. Identifying such people is not always easy, since they successfully disguise themselves by portraying non-existent goals, aspirations, and desires. They can be both petty manipulators and smart and cunning people. Their true nature can be revealed by pretentious behavior, a tendency to take advantage of others, lack of coordination in actions, and a readiness to portray what the environment expects of them in order to achieve their goal. Obviously, the “those without conscience” live quite comfortably and do not experience any difficulties due to your behavior. The main problems go to those who are close to them. The Great Unwanted “The Great Unwanted” is a torment for loved ones and a rather inconspicuous person at work. Both his desires and his obligations are weakly expressed. In a word, he himself doesn’t want anything, and any persuasion and admonitions that “something needs to be done” have almost no effect on him. At the same time, if a situation arises when something needs to be done, the “unwilling” can fulfill her duties quite tolerably. These people are often quite good performers. They go to work regularly, do what is necessary, and do not strive for promotion. But they will avoid any additional activity by any means, preferring to “play solitaire.” The reason for this behavior may be that the person is tortured by excessive demands, often contradictory and impossible to fulfill. Often it looks like this: the child is required to simultaneously be obedient, study additional disciplines chosen by his parents, and at the same time be creative, active, and have his own interests. When the psyche cannot withstand such a load, a person simply “leaves”: he renounces both his desires and his responsibilities, thereby avoiding any pressure. However, “unwilling people” arise not only as a result of parental upbringing - people often behave this way in certain conditions. A successful manager comes home and becomes completely passive,Stares at the TV, citing fatigue, refuses any housework, communication and even sex. “Reluctant” people can become people who diligently put their efforts into their work, but soon realized that their work is devalued, their opinion does not affect anything, and orders “from above” are given based on the immediate desire of the boss. The Tyranny of “Shoulds” Shoulds, as well as desires, can have a powerful influence on a person. Most often those that relate to conscience. They become rigid and dominant over a person, and often do not have any rational basis. They subjugate the will and even if they help achieve success, they do not bring deserved satisfaction and joy. “The tyranny of the “should”” is a concept used by Karen Horney, a world-renowned psychoanalyst and specialist in neurotic disorders. This phenomenon occurs when a person loses contact with his desires, when a person not only does not allow himself to realize them, but is not even aware of their existence. A typical example is people who are ready to sacrifice everything for the sake of others. They do not feel the needs of their body, and often their fate is similar to the fate of driven horses: while they have strength, they do what is “needed”, and when their strength runs out, they fall dead. This is not always done for the sake of others; often internal attitudes are obligatory. For example, an individual strict requirement that one must work (regardless of the real need at the moment), one must become successful, otherwise “you are not a person.” The danger of such oughts is that they do not come from the desires of the person himself (although, perhaps, started there too), but exist in the form of categorical demands that dominate a person. They often contradict each other and force the individual to be in constant stress. For example, simultaneous attitudes “you need to develop and be successful” and “you need to not make mistakes.” One is impossible without the other, so their owner finds himself in an internal trap. People with strict internal requirements can be conscientious specialists, successful entrepreneurs, but regardless of their social status and the real stress of their activities, they are under constant internal pressure that does not allow them to relax. They are especially susceptible to heart disease, they often experience headaches, high blood pressure, insomnia, gastrointestinal disorders and other psychogenic diseases. In addition, these people usually lose contact with their needs, so they are poor at taking care of themselves - their health and well-being. They often fulfill the demands of “shoulds” rather than their true desires, and despite their success, ultimately cannot be happy and enjoy their achievements. As managers, these people can be quite successful if they do not overwhelm their subordinates with unrealistic demands . Otherwise, if they treat employees the same way as they treat themselves, then they apply constant pressure, demand the impossible, but, of course, do not get what they want and worry even more, repeatedly increasing the level of their internal tension. The tyranny of “should” deprives a person of the ability to successfully make decisions and show creativity where his tasks require it. Sometimes conflicting internal demands lead to people literally losing the ability to do anything. Someone “solves” the problem by going into the state of “great unwillingness”, others constantly try to achieve something, but for unknown reasons all their attempts die on the vine. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HydeAnother version of the carrier of the imbalance “I want” and “need” is somewhat similar to the hero of Robert Louis Stevenson’s story “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” or to the hero of the song by Vladimir Vysotsky:...You, prosecutor, you , citizen judge, Believe me: it was not I who broke the window, but my vile second self. This problem is familiar to too highly moral and respectable people, for whom conscience and=10573