Everything in this world is not new, A ball will not roll up the mountain, The doctor sees a patient in everyone, The fireman sees fire everywhere. The pilot sees the blue sky, The border guard sees the enemy, The wanderer sees the land where he has not been, And only the fisherman of the fisherman, the drinker, sees everything that has not been drunk, The cat smells mice everywhere, The opera sees a killer, The killer sees a target in everyone, The lawyer sees a client in everyone, The prosecutor sees a Zek in everyone, The electrician sees a blue ribbon, And only a fisherman sees a fisherman... (Time machine. “Fisherman of a Fisherman”) Have you ever thought , why does each of us have our own life story, our own role, course and, most importantly, our own completion of this story? Why is everything in life like in W. Blake’s poem “The Sayings of Innocence”: In a dark night and a little light People will come into the light People will come into the light And all around - the darkness of the night... And for some, light awaits happiness, and for others, darkness awaits misfortune. If you believe E. Bern (and his followers), then any adult has his own, different from others, life scenario, which is based on a certain life position. A life position is a set of basic ideas about oneself, others and the world, which are designed to justify a person’s decisions and behavior. Since our brain works on principles similar to the work of a computer, it is obvious to any user that the machine can produce only the result at the output. the receipt of which was predetermined by the program at the input. We received the motherboard from our parents (physiological characteristics, etc.), the rest is “loaded” after birth. Up to five years later, your computer boots up and then begins to function independently (relatively independently!), adding, adding new and improving its software. Based on all this baggage, a person builds his relationship with the world within the framework of a certain life scenario, and a life position is a kind of “blank” (draft or blank) of this scenario. A person, of course, is not a mechanism, but very much in our life depends on the “source” - the main position in life. There are four such positions: I am prosperous, You are prosperous; I am unfavorable, You are prosperous; I am prosperous, You are unfavorable; I am unfavorable, You are unfavorable. Try to determine which group you belong to. Which life position do you closest?1. It seems to you that “Life is worth living.” Everything is good in your life and in general you are surrounded by prosperous people. It is easy for you to establish and maintain relationships, you are not irritated by the mistakes of others, and you are tolerant of the shortcomings of others. You feel completely self-sufficient, internally free and happy. In addition, you do not think at all that you are better or worse than others. You just live and be happy.2. The slogan seems correct to you: “The lives of others are worth living, but my life is not worth living.” Everyone around you is happy, satisfied with life, but something is wrong with you. Well, you're out of luck. No matter how much you try, things don’t work out... You feel insecure in your abilities, you tend to become dependent on other people who have power and recognition. You periodically experience envy of other people's successes and a feeling of your own inadequacy.3. You like the slogan: “My life is much more valuable than the lives of others.” You are confident that you deserve the best. Most people are not as good as you. They (unlike you) are full of shortcomings that they urgently need to get rid of. It is important for you to prove that you are right at any cost, point out the mistakes of others, and emphasize your superiority.4. The slogan is closer to you: “Life is not worth living.” Everything is bad. With you, with those around you and with the world in general. Life is full of disappointments. You live with a feeling of complete helplessness. There is no strength or desire to change anything, it seems that things will never get better. Do you recognize yourself? Let's think about why everything is this way. How is our “picture of the world” formed? Under the influence of what (who) some of us decide that the world is a huge “buffet” where everything is there, and they have “all inclusive” status, andothers sincerely believe that the world is a battlefield in which they have no chance of surviving? According to Claude Steiner, even before birth, any child develops certain initial ideas, which subsequently determine his entire attitude towards life in the broad sense of the word (and indeed life itself). An idea of ​​how prosperous he himself is, how prosperous others are, and how prosperous the world in which he has to live is. S. Kovalev believes that “for the vast majority of children, by the time of birth, this position corresponds to the ideal option “everything is fine”: me, others and the world (rare exceptions include those who wanted to be killed in the womb by having an abortion; or those whose pregnancy occurred with severe pathologies). However, further, birth trauma, parental programming and the influence of significant others lead to the fact that the basic life position of a person who comes into this world changes and is then fixed.” T. E. Harris, based on the works of Adler and Sullivan, argues that the first In the life of a child, the attitude “I am unfavorable, You are prosperous” arises, and as the only possible one. It is in relation to this that comparative assessments are then built up, on the basis of which the final attitude of an adult is formed. Thus, initially we are all weak and helpless victims, “thrown out” into the world and dependent on others. According to Harris, the next attitude that is formed is “I am dysfunctional, You are dysfunctional” when a child discovers that he is not always understood and accepted. Then he concludes that something is wrong with those around him, not okay. And he transfers this conclusion to the whole world (the world is unfavorable). According to Harris, the third attitude “I am prosperous, You are unfavorable” is formed in the second or third year of life. However, it is mainly characteristic of children exposed to early violence. Saving his life after manifestations of cruelty, the child distances himself from those around him, blaming them for his suffering. “I'm prosperous! You are not,” he declares to his tormentors. Harris: “By the end of the third year of life, one of these three attitudes is fixed by every person. They are born from emotions and are little influenced by information coming from outside that could change them.” Harris believes that, unlike the previous three, the fourth attitude, “I am well, You are well,” is conscious and verbally formulated. “It is based on thought, faith and the desire for action. It not only allows for the acceptance of much more information about oneself and others, but also includes taking into account the not yet experienced sensations that are embodied in the concepts of philosophy and religion "(Harris). I think, without going into detail, we can say that we are all born winners simply by virtue of the fact that they were born at all - they conquered oblivion. And, of course, no one will argue with Harris that one can consciously come to the attitude “I am well, You are well.” Let's take a closer look at each of the four life positions: Let's start with the attitude “I am well, You are well.” This position corresponds to the position of “basic trust” described by Erik Erikson, which is “a state of affairs in which the infant feels that he is in harmony with the world and that everything in the world is in harmony with him.” First of all, we are talking about interaction with the mother, because until a certain period, the mother makes up the child’s entire world. By the way they are cared for in infancy, children learn whether the world around them is trustworthy. If their needs are met, if they are treated with attention and care and treated fairly consistently, children develop an overall impression of the world as a safe and trustworthy place. Of those few who manage to maintain a fixed emotional attitude of “I am well - others are prosperous” and there is no need to say anything special: firstly, they, as a rule, do not need any psychological help, and secondly, there are really just very few of them. Theylucky ones (Winners). Those who live by the principle: “Live and rejoice.” The world for them is generally an endless sunny day, and even if the clouds cover the sun, they know that the sun was, is and will be. They are confident in their abilities, have no doubt that they will achieve success (and success requires faith in its possibility), if they encounter difficulties, they reason like this: “Yes, life has battered me, beaten me. But “everything that does not kill us makes us stronger” (F. Nietzsche) and continue to move towards their goal (namely, towards their goal - they determine it themselves), the point is not that Winners never make mistakes, but they are capable learn from them: Autobiography in five short chapters Chapter One I’m walking down the street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. .I'm falling into it. I'm lost, I'm desperate. But it's not my fault. It took me forever to get out. Chapter Two I'm walking down the same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I'm falling into her again. I can’t believe that I’m in the same place. But it’s not my fault? It will still take me a lot of time to get out. Chapter Three I’m walking along the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see her. I still fall into it...... it's a habit, but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It's my fault. I get out immediately. Chapter Four I'm walking along the same street. The sidewalk is deep pit. I go around it. Chapter Five I walk along another street. (P. Nelson) Winners trust themselves and the world around them (the secret of the winner’s psychology is simple: the basis of such psychology is the habit of positive thinking). A miracle lives where they believe in it. The winners “breathe with love”: Like a ball breathes, where angels and birds Fly over the blue planet... (Yu. Moritz) They know that: No matter what hole you find yourself in, You will pay the ransom with love, Love and only love, -Otherwise you will be a slave, Hunted, beaten, killed by Events, vulgarity, everyday life And everything that happens around... (Yu. Moritz) They love life and it often reciprocates them... And what happens to the rest? Why do most children change their position? Why is the world an endless night for many? The child changes position only if something interferes with his interdependence with the mother, for example, when the child feels that the mother ceases to protect him and take care of him, as she did before. In response to unfavorable circumstances, a child may decide that he is not prosperous or that other people are not prosperous, moving from a state of basic trust to a state of fundamental distrust. For example, a person accepts the principle “I am not prosperous - others are prosperous” as the main existential position. Such a change occurs: both because of the child’s helplessness, his completely and completely dependent position during and after childbirth, and as a result of his later abandonment by parents and significant others. For a small child, the adults around him are huge giants who can, both take care of it and destroy it. At first, the child believes that he controls these Big and Strong Adults (with the help of “crying” he can call his mother). So the ancient people believed that with the help of certain rituals they could cause rain. But he gradually becomes convinced that in fact nothing depends on him. For example, a mother believes that you shouldn’t approach a crying child (let him get used to being alone), or a mother becomes an adherent of feeding by the hour (and then scream, don’t scream, they will feed you when they deem it necessary). As children begin to walk, they discover the capabilities of their body and how to control it. When a child manages to do something on his own, he gains a sense of self-control and self-confidence. But if a child constantly fails and is punished for this or called sloppy, dirty, incapable, bad, he gets used to feeling shame and doubt in his own abilities. Sooner or later, numerous frustrations of the child’s needs find their expression in a feeling of helplessness and uselessness of oneself (“I not prosperous") with complete or relativerecognition of the well-being of the omnipotent adults who determine his life and manage it (“others are prosperous”). “People with the existential position “I - Others +”, as a rule, “start out in life” with the killer parting words “Don’t be” (healthy, happy, successful etc., etc.)” (S. Kovalev). People with a similar attitude in life are dependent on others. The most exciting and pleasant feelings come to them from the outside world; it is difficult (sometimes even impossible) for them to find pleasure within themselves. “I - Others +” is a child’s position, inadequate for an adult. The difference is that normally a child, having received the support he needs, develops and improves, but a dependent adult parasitizes on his partner, never learning to do without others. After all, if another person is necessary for your survival, then there is no choice in your relationship, there is no freedom. This is not love, but necessity. Two people love each other if they are quite capable of doing without each other, but have chosen to live together. Dependency is the inability to experience the fullness of life and function without the care and support of a partner. “Addiction in physically healthy people is a pathology. Of course, every person, no matter how old and mature he is, wants to at least occasionally be the object of someone’s care, seeks and would like to have in his life some kind of exemplary personality with maternal and/or paternal functions. But these desires and feelings for most people are not dominant and do not determine the development of their individual lives. If they control your life and dictate the very quality of your existence, then it means you have an addiction. People suffering from such disorders, that is, passively dependent people, try so intensely to be loved that they have no strength left to love. They are like starving people who constantly beg for food everywhere and never have enough to share with others. It’s as if there is some kind of emptiness hidden in them, a bottomless pit that cannot be filled. They never have a feeling of completion, fullness; on the contrary, the thought constantly beats: “Some part of me is missing”” (Pek. M.S.). Addicts cannot stand loneliness. Because of this incompleteness, they do not truly feel like a person; in fact, they define and identify themselves only through relationships with other people. Accordingly, their relationship with their partner, for all its dramatic appearance, is characterized by amazing emptiness. A strong feeling of inner emptiness and the need to fill it lead to the fact that the very thought of losing another is so terrible that people with the “I - Others +” life position cannot tolerate actions that reduce dependence and increase the freedom of this other. The inner feeling of emptiness is a direct result of their parents failing to satisfy the children's need for love, attention and care. If a child grows up in an atmosphere where love and care are absent - or shown too rarely and inconsistently - then as an adult he will constantly experience inner uncertainty, a feeling of “I’m missing something, the world is unpredictable and unkind, and I myself, apparently, I’m not of particular value and I’m not worthy of love, so in order to survive I need to find someone stronger who can take care of me.” A dependent person constantly fights wherever he can for every crumb of attention, love or care, and if he finds it, he clings to it with despair, his behavior becomes unloving, but manipulative and hypocritical, he himself destroys the relationships that he would so much like save. He clings to outdated relationships that should have been broken long ago. There is nothing worse than allowing yourself to be dependent on another person - it is the worst thing you can do to yourself. As cynical as it sounds, it’s better to be addicted to a substance. If you are an alcoholic, then alcohol will never let you down. If it is there, it will always make you happy. But if you expect another person to make you happy, then you will face endless disappointments. In fact, it is not at all accidentalThe most common disorder in passively dependent people (besides their relationships with others) is dependence on alcohol or other drugs. These are people who get used to it. They get used to their neighbors, suck and devour them, and if neighbors are absent or not given, then a bottle, needle or powder is usually chosen as a substitute. Such people are focused on taking, not giving. Dependent relationships promote infantilism rather than growth, and serve to trap and bind rather than liberate. Dependent people seem to tie their hearts to another, and when the other moves away, it “tears” their heart to the living, and when he leaves, it seems to them that they are dying. And in the literal sense, dependent “people with the “I - Others +” attitude often see the solution to their problems in suicide” (S. Kovalev). This does not mean at all that, faced with a serious problem, a person will immediately start looking for a rope, a stool, a nail and a bar of soap (“hello, fragrant soap and fluffy rope”). Suicide can be very extended over time and committed in any area of ​​a person’s life. For example, the same alcoholism is a “wonderful” way of long-term and not devoid of a certain “pleasure” suicide. In all spheres at once: social, because with a high degree of probability a person will gradually sink to the bottom; professional, since they will probably be kicked out of work sooner or later; family, since the partner will most likely leave; and, of course, physical, the body will not withstand it for long. It happens (but much less often) that a person takes another basic existential position: “I am prosperous - others are not prosperous.” This usually happens for two reasons: - or emphasizing the superiority of the child over others and the rest (when he grows up in an atmosphere of forgiveness, self-respect, but humiliation and suppression of others), or vice versa, with constant humiliations that threaten health (both mental and physical), and even life itself (when in order to to overcome his humiliation and helplessness, or even simply survive, the child, as it were, “puts down” the tormentors, recognizing their disadvantage and elevates himself in any way, justifying his own well-being and, possibly, exclusivity). If the child’s world causes him pain, causes stress and threatens safety, then he learns to expect exactly this from life and consider that it is not trustworthy. The existential position “I + Others -” at first glance is more promising than the previous one, since , it seems that it provides more opportunities to create a winning scenario. In this case, we are usually talking about a person with a narcissistic personality type. Narcissists often achieve great things in life. But their payback is by no means favorable: perfectionism leads to illnesses from overexertion, and the inability to build close relationships leads to loneliness. S. Kovalev believes that people with the “I + Others -” attitude received a basic instruction from their parents “Don’t get close”, which can only be fulfilled based on the “life without feelings” scenario (living without them and becoming doomed to loneliness). Contacts such people are “toxic”. In large doses, daffodils are poisonous and carcinogenic. They destroy other people. The narcissist is a bright and ambitious egocentric, experiencing a sense of superiority and grandiosity that borders on delusions of grandeur. It is paradoxical that behind the bright “packaging” lies emptiness, lack of self-sufficiency and anxiety. These are people who hide their own vulnerability not only from others, but also from themselves. They conquer those around them, “captivate” with their charm, and then ruthlessly manipulate the “captives”. They love - as they eat - leftovers and stubs all around... (Yu. Moritz) They like to dominate, play with the feelings of others (usually people with pronounced feelings guilt and shame), then bringing them closer, then moving them away from oneself, and then, when they have played enough, discard them as unnecessary, emotionally squeezing them out, drying them out completely. People for them are objects that can beuse to your advantage. Inside, narcissists are cold as a block of ice, they are incapable of experiencing warm feelings for anyone. Their life is a one-man show. The show ends as soon as the cameras turn off and the audience disappears. They keep other people at a distance. Distance is their defensive reaction, with which they try to avoid new injuries and disappointments. It is not surprising that their relationship with their partner does not last long. They are afraid of addiction. They fill the inner hole with the admiration of the crowd, feeding on the emotions of others, using them as fuel for their grandiose fire. It’s easier to admire an idol from a distance. Well, “if someone still wants to get closer, thereby creating a problem, there is always a door of exit: murder” (S. Kovalev). After all, you can kill not only people’s bodies. The killer may not even realize that he is one. This may be a dispassionate person, indifferent to everything around him, who, with or without purpose, crushes other people’s feelings like a tank. As soon as someone comes out with their joy or pain - bang, someone's sarcastic words, and the spark of faith in the person is crushed. A narcissist is a person - a killer... He will fill you with dirt, He considers you scum... (A. Lonchakova) Finally, even less often, but it still happens that a person takes another - the most hopeless - existential position: “I am unhappy - others dysfunctional." An emotional attitude of hopeless despair and soul-emptying powerlessness, when all that remains is to fall, “drown” further, sinking to the very bottom, and doomedly wait for it all to finally end. The last of the four existential positions is “I- Others -” is certainly fraught with the emergence of a loser scenario (one’s own life – as if defeated by this life). This depressive position is the most unpromising of those listed. We are talking about a situation similar to the moment when a child in the womb feels a lack of oxygen, the space surrounding him (before so soft and serene!) is compressed, pressing. The baby would be glad to get out and fight, but the exit from the uterus is still closed, there is nowhere to run. Things are always bad for people who are fixed in the victim matrix. They are afraid to take an extra step. It seems to them that everyone is offending them, the whole world is against them. These are people who live in a constant feeling that there is no way out. They do not know how to rejoice, it is difficult for them to see the good. In the other three life positions, a person is capable of loving someone - himself, others (both). In a state of depression, a person does not love anyone. The only feeling that persists in the absence of love is the feeling of insignificance and meaninglessness of any undertaking. This is a life full of sorrow. A man is imprisoned in a solitary chamber of his own body, the timer is on, and at the end of the road is death. Depression slowly eats away at a person, like rust eats away at iron. As a result, collapsing the entire structure. This is a long road to nowhere: from the moment when rust just appears, through the period of collapse of individual sections (spheres of life) until the moment of complete collapse of the structure. It is unbearable to feel how you are turning into something powerless, to feel that you are so weak that you can be blown away by any random gust of wind. With depression, the world loses all value, and, accordingly, life loses all meaning, colors and peace disappear from it becomes faded, you are dead tired, you are tired of everything, you have no interest in anything, because the loss of meaning is the loss of a living feeling. Everything is bad, everything is terrible, everything is over. Everything is painted in gloomy tones, nothing pleases, does not touch, everything is indifferent... I want to wrap my head in a blanket so as not to see and hear the world that has lost all meaning, plunging into depressive hibernation, the prototype of which is being in the womb (before the onset of labor). process). You feel how depression is sucking the life out of you and you understand that it would be better to die the most terrible, painful death than to be in such a paralyzing stupor, but you do not have the strength to make a final decision. Ends with youyou realize that you are absent from yourself... and you go crazy... My brain has become more like not an organ of thought, but a machine; fixing moment by moment the various degrees of his own torment. (Styron) S. Kovalev, believes that “all this happens (and comes) because of the basic injunction of the parents “The mind is useless” (it can be easily and calmly given by dad and mom, who, for example , due to their own inferiority - not necessarily mental - they do not love their child precisely when he demonstrates this very intelligence). As a result, the unfortunate child accepts the “Life without a Mind” scenario as the initial scenario, and literally becomes an idiot, more precisely, a person with low practical (for real life) and theoretical (for thinking about it) intelligence. These are all those who constantly buy into the promises of charlatans and scammers: they sell their apartments for next to nothing; and foolishly give their own lives for the sake of what they don’t even understand... Potential homeless people: inhabitants of slums and shelters, for whom the exit door in the form of madness is not only retribution, but also a blissful outcome...” Of course, none of them The last three listed existential positions cannot be considered truly prosperous in the broad sense of the word. After all, “people who live with the attitude “I am unfavorable - you are prosperous”, at all times and even in the most favorable conditions, live hard and sadly, not pretend to success and results, refuse initiative and responsibility, lack self-confidence, have a low assessment of their life and activities, and also often and sluggishly get sick (both psychologically and physically). Those who live with the attitude “I am prosperous - you are disadvantaged” “, on the contrary, they constantly demonstrate arrogance and complacency; they suppress and devalue others, using them as a tool to achieve their own goals; they fight with everyone and everything, terrorizing loved ones; they organize endless showdowns and discover enemies even where they never existed. But those who literally exist with the attitude “I am dysfunctional - you are dysfunctional most often spend their lives in homes for chronically ill people, drug treatment, psychiatric and somatic hospitals, places of deprivation freedom and even just homeless; and either commit suicide, or senselessly and doomfully wait for this end, having neither the strength nor the resources to live, and not even expecting any help" (S. Kovalev). We are not in one specific life position all the time, however, it is advisable to talk about the preferred life positions in which we spend most of the time when playing out our scenario. This quadrant will be the main life position that we adopted in childhood. Franklin Ernst developed a method for analyzing these transitions, which he called OK Corral. .Instead of the term OK, Ernst uses the term “OK with myself” or “OK with you,” emphasizing that a person’s position at the moment is temporary. Being in each of the four positions, a person, according to Ernst, behaves accordingly. The position of I- OK, You-OK Ernst called “cooperation.” Being in it, a person adequately assesses his capabilities, is confident in himself, trusts others and receives satisfaction. Ernst called the position I-not OK, You-OK “care.” does not believe in his ability to solve the problem “here and now”, runs away from problems. The position I am OK, You are not OK is called “deliverance” and is characterized by the fact that a person does not trust others and gets rid of them. The I-is-not-OK, You-are-not-OK attitude manifests itself in behavior, thoughts and feelings called “waiting.” At the same time, the person ignores his ability to solve problems and does not trust others, he is depressed and does nothing. Can a person change his life position? Reload the matrix in which he lives? Maybe. For example, with the help of quite effective psychotechnology, which is proposed by S.V. Kovalev. This is not so difficult to do if we remember that this position is realized in very specific beliefs: about oneself, about others and about the world around us, and that.