“I’m so vulnerable, sensitive. And that’s why I don’t want to get into a relationship, I’m afraid that it will be painful.”, “everyone around is indifferent” “I’m tired of defending myself from their attacks of rudeness and misunderstanding” I sometimes hear these words in consultation. As if defending myself, protecting myself like this - “not We see the offender.” This could be a boss, a family member, a partner, that is, anyone with whom we have to enter into a relationship. And while protecting ourselves, we often don’t notice how, rushing about in fear of getting hurt, we touch the most vulnerable places of another person. And thereby we provoke his attack on ourselves. Now stop and remember what you do when you want to get closer to another person, sometimes very desirable. And he suddenly begins to avoid or push away. And the better you treat him, the more eagerly you seek a meeting and contact with him. To find out what happened, why, and to convince, to prove to him that his fears were in vain. And this worries him even more. That’s how you, when you protect yourself, with your wariness, begin to defend yourself, accusing the other of aggressiveness, of violating personal boundaries, slander him, thereby insulting him - and you get hit back. And it turns out that “defense” leads to an attack, to inflicting wounds on another. Wounds can be both physical and moral. And mental wounds sometimes hurt more. Being afraid to come into contact with “pain”, building such defenses, a person stops feeling and being in a real relationship. It turns out to be a paradox: considering oneself sensitive and vulnerable, one is actually “Insensitive.” No goodwill, no warmth, no seeing anything. Only one’s own vulnerability, fantasies of threat. And being in such a cautious state, a person does not notice how he is trying to offend another with contempt, indifference, and rejection. And thereby forcing the other to “molest.” And the other really pesters (despite sometimes humiliation and shame) to prove that he has no bad intentions. Maybe even good ones. He just wants to rehabilitate himself in his opinion, to restore his feeling that I am good. What to give, what to do? We will talk about this and much more at the “The Path to Yourself” therapeutic group. Taking care of yourself without seeing, feeling, understanding and recognizing others will not work. Trying to save another, we are forced to peer into him, listen, feel, understand, understand. And at the same time we begin to notice what is happening to us. And it’s not at all easy. Save others from yourself! Novak Elvira psychologist, gestalt therapist. My website www.novak63.ru