What is important is what is written in the heart... My heart is like an old house whose doors have not been opened for years, But now I hear the doors opening... ("Ashes and Snow" by H. Colbert) Some people never will accept the idea of ​​forgiveness, any arguments are useless. You can try for a long time to convince them that: “unforgiveness, deep-seated resentment, vindictiveness, the desire to repay, hatred and anger make us live in the past. Until a person forgives, until he leaves the past in the past, until he strives to quench his thirst for revenge, he will be shackled by the past. The shackles of bygone days. He himself feeds the pain of the past. She doesn’t just live, he fattens her, and she grows and grows until she swallows him whole... (T. Gouvier)... All these will only be words if a person is not in the mood to forgive at all. Forgiveness requires courage, and for a person full of grievances, “living” with them, to forgive, to “get rid of them” means to feel emptiness. And the person becomes scared. If he gets rid of grievances, then what will he be left with? What will he do in this “bright future” without them? Such a person is accustomed to using this emotion to manipulate others, causing them to feel chronically guilty. This is his usual way of interacting with the world. “If maintaining the state of accusation is the only way to maintain a person’s connection with the offender, then no “logical” arguments are inappropriate, because he is not interested in an objective “trial”, he is interested in maintaining relationships (even virtual ones)” (Papush). In this case, you will never convince him of the need for forgiveness... Such people often turn to a psychologist. But their goal is not to get rid of resentment, but to once again evoke sympathy or prove to others that it is impossible to help them, and that the psychologist is good for nothing. They play their favorite game “Yes, but...”. Agreeing with all the arguments, they say: “Yes,” and immediately add a particle “but” and put forward their version of what is happening. This game of “Yes, but...”, described by E. Byrne, will never end. Let's leave such people alone. Their world is divided into bad offenders (other people) and good offenders (themselves). Instead of a three-dimensional, multi-colored and complex picture of life, they have a black and white picture. Primitive, but simple and clear. There is no need to doubt that you are right every time... Are the shades of life black and white? Shades of passion black and red? Yes, painting feelings is a brave attempt, But in two colors it is a dangerous task. What color should I use to paint forgiveness? How to put the unexpected in pastel colors? What color of pain does revenge bring? And why is joy so golden? The palette is poor - the world is so colorful! Fate paints with a bristly brush. How hopeless is the color of lost love, But how it sparkles when reciprocated!! You can’t paint tenderness with just pink, And fear and anger purified with ultramarine. And how can you draw the brokenness of the soul, When you don’t see the truth in the colors? Halftones, mutedness, smoothness. The saturation of love is diluted with water. And if it’s for love, then you have to feel it. And if you paint, then use clean paint. Shades of life black and white? Shades of passion black and red? Yes, painting feelings is a brave attempt, But in two colors it is a dangerous task. (E. Shevchenko. “Palette of Feelings”) In addition to “desperate avengers,” there is another category of people – “pseudo-forgiving ones.” It’s easier for them to say: “I forgive” than to sort out their grievances. Why? Because it's painful and scary. In fact, behind every grievance there is a demand. To change a relationship with another person, you need to, at a minimum, recognize the offense and decide to voice your feelings and demands... at the risk of forever ruining or even destroying the relationship. “Are people often ready to hear others? It’s much easier and more pleasant to listen only to yourself, such a person thinks. “If I talk about my grievances, what will it change? Another simply won’t take my words seriously, and maybe even send me away”... Perhaps these people have already tried to talk about their feelings, butI was faced with cold indifference and unwillingness to change anything. Or, perhaps, they didn’t even try, remembering that folk wisdom says: “They carry water for the offended,” or, believing that forgiveness is the right, highly spiritual thing and they are always obliged to forgive everyone. But pretending that you are not offended for some reason when in fact you are offended and angry does not mean forgiving. This is a form of self-denial. You can suppress anger for years, but doing this is like sitting on a volcano; one day a person’s strength will give out, and lava will splash out, destroying everything in its path. And even if in reality it is impossible to directly express an offense (or is pointless), this does not mean that it is not necessary to work with it, otherwise such a person is like a housewife who, when cleaning, sweeps garbage into dark corners, instead of sweeping it out. houses or burn them down. The third category of people – “hopers”, are ready to work with grievances. If you are one of them, I suggest you consider specific job options. Technique “Drawing (image) of resentment” Why drawing? Because it allows you to “move from the inner world to the outer world” thoughts and feelings that a person is used to suppressing. It can “tell” (through color, through lines, through shape, etc.) much more than a person realizes... You can do something with it in the process of work, etc. In essence, this is a “research stage” ", but before destroying anything it would be good to find out what it is, why and why it exists. Work progress: 1. The person is asked to imagine his grievance and answer a series of questions: - Where does it live (in the chest, in the head, etc.)? Pay attention to your body and ask yourself: how do you feel when resentment sits there? How does its presence in your body affect your well-being? Can you make the connection? G. Adamovich once wrote: No cut flowers, no smoke from a funeral service, People don’t die from resentment... Maybe they don’t die, but it is believed that unforgiven grievances can cause diseases such as: - Heart disease. Popular wisdom says that offended people “carry resentment in their hearts.” Therefore, in the case of “chronic grievances,” there may be a compressive chest pain and a feeling of heaviness, although the most thorough examinations do not find any deviations from the norm. - Diseases of the upper respiratory tract. These diseases most often occur in people who “swallow” the insult in silence and do not let it out. - Excess weight. Resentment is a powerful stress for the body, and if a person experiences it for a long time, he tries to find a way to replenish positive emotions. In this case, food becomes the main source of pleasure. Gradually, the desire to “eat” a grudge can lead to extra pounds, etc. - What size is the grudge? - What is the consistency (liquid, solid, gaseous)? - What temperature (cold, warm, hot)? - What does it feel like ( pleasant, sticky, soft, changing shape)? - What color is it?2. Then the person is asked to draw the offense (preferably in the form of some kind of image).3. Then they work with the image (it is better to do this with a specialist), finding out the “individual characteristics” of the offense and the history of its occurrence. - Since when has it existed? - How much space does it occupy in your life? For some, resentment occupies almost all of their living space, while others have learned to cope with this feeling and better understand themselves and their desires. - At what moments does it appear? How should the offender behave for me to be offended by him? - Why does offense exist? Resentment “flares up” when painful points for a person are touched (keys or triggers of resentment), or there is a desire and conditional benefit from resentment. - What negative and positive functions does it perform? Various psychological problems (depression, stress, low self-esteem) are considered negative. , illnesses of the body (psychosomatics). On the positive side - the opportunity to realize what is painful in me, what is worth working with, because grievances show our most vulnerable areas. - How do you usually deal with grievances? - Are you ready to give it up and what can you do? How can I make the resentment go away? - How can I fill the resulting space? Etc.4. INAt the end of the work, it is customary to destroy the drawing (for example, tear it up, burn it, or mentally send the offense into the sky (“let it go to the wind”), watching how it becomes smaller and smaller as it moves away). Farewell to the offense is forgiveness. Psychoanalysts Nicole Fabre and Gabriel Ruben identified the main stages that a person goes through on the path to forgiveness: 1. Make the decision to “stop suffering” “The first step can be a conscious decision: to stop suffering, to stop experiencing pain, resentment, injustice. And sometimes to do this we have to break up or move away from the one who hurts us.2. Recognize that we were wronged. The past does not disappear. Thanks to psychological defense mechanisms, suffering, hatred and bitterness are repressed into the unconscious, where they continue to act with even greater destructive force. We need to admit the guilt of the person who caused us harm, this is necessary in order to move on with our lives. As Gabriel Ruben explains, this gives us the opportunity to “return the blame back to the offender and thereby restore our relationship with ourselves.” In addition, this will avoid the development of psychosomatic diseases or behavior patterns that lead to repeated failures in work and relationships. By forgiving, we take care of our health. Psychologists have found consistent physiological differences between states of unforgiveness and forgiveness. With one memory of the offender, the activity of the cardiovascular system was disrupted in all subjects. These changes became very significant when they thought about revenge.3. Express your anger Feel anger and even hatred towards your “executioner” - in other words, acknowledge and “release” your suffering. Aggression at first is even useful, it speaks of mental health, that the victim does not deny what happened and does not transfer the guilt of others. As Gabriel Ruben explains, “Hate is a very powerful emotion that cannot be made to disappear. If we do not direct it towards the offender, then we will inevitably turn it towards ourselves, risking starting the process of self-destruction.” There is rarely an opportunity to directly express your anger to the offender, to reproach him: he may not consider himself guilty or have such strong power over us that we do not dare to resist him. However, we can do this work ourselves: write down everything you are experiencing, tell a person you trust about your experiences, and if the situation is very painful, consult a specialist. 4. Stop feeling guilty Paradoxically, most victims feel guilty for what happened to them. It is important to find out what was hurt in us - pride, reputation, honor, bodily boundaries? “The answer to this question can help get rid of the feeling of guilt, that is, to realize that we are not responsible for what happened to us,” says psychoanalyst Nicole Fabre. It is about giving up your ideal self, this fantastic idea of ​​yourself, and parting with the obsessive lamentation of “I am not forgiven for not doing differently.” In some truly dramatic situations, such as rape or incest, forgiving yourself is necessary in order to move on with your life.5. Understanding the one who hurt us Hatred and anger help us survive aggression, but if we experience them for a long time, it leads to self-destruction. To avoid this, it is useful to “get into the shoes” of the offender. Understanding his motives does not mean trying to forgive, our task is to see his weaknesses, comprehend the action that caused us pain, which (to some extent) will help us accept it.6. Don't rush Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Take your time and “let time pass while maintaining an active attitude toward forgiveness,” advises Nicole Fabre. Forgiveness received too quickly may be perceived by the guilty as absolution. It will become a trap for the victim, who still feels bitterness and embitterment (even without realizing it), because too little time has passed. The illusion of forgivenessturns against the one who wants to forgive.7. Taking control of your life again How do we know if we have truly forgiven? If we no longer feel anger or malice towards the person who caused us to suffer, and “if the sense of guilt for what happened has disappeared,” adds Gabriel Ruben, then we can consider ourselves to have forgiven. Another sure sign that forgiveness has taken place is, in the words of Nicole Fabre, “a transition to action, a return to our active attitude towards life.” Forgiveness is often an act of liberation in which pain dissolves and which helps the survivor to become the master of his life , stop tolerating and suffering, or even become stronger. “To forgive means to become more mature, to make room for another person in your life, to accept him. The real path to liberation is to take a step that allows you to forgive and move on" (Nicole Fabre)" ("Seven Steps to Forgiveness"). K. Tipping in his book "Radical Forgiveness: Make Space for Miracle" talks about the ritual of the Navajo Indians, with the help which they help their fellow tribesmen not to plunge into the endless process of “mourning” for their traumas. “While narahos certainly understand that one needs to talk about one's traumas and have others bear witness to them, they also understand that by talking about one's traumas one gives power to those traumas—especially if one talks about them too much . Therefore, if one of the tribesmen wants to share their pain or grief, the whole tribe gathers for advice and the complainant becomes the center of the circle. He is allowed to talk about his sorrows three times, and each time the others listen to him with compassion. However, the fourth time, as soon as the complainant enters the circle, all his fellow tribesmen turn their backs to him. "Enough! - they say. – We have already listened to your complaints three times. We understand everything. Now let go of your grief. We won't listen to this anymore.” I'm not saying to speed up the process of grieving or forgiveness (this is not the result of an act of will), I'm saying that someday it must end. A modern ritual of healing for many is psychotherapy. Techniques for working with resentment, forgiveness and farewell, which can be used if it is not possible to talk to the offender “directly”: “Empty Chair” technique Gestalt therapists suggest putting a chair in front of you and imagining the offender on it , tell him everything. You can scream and do with this chair or with any object what you would like to do to restore justice with the offender (for example, beat him with your fists, etc.) The task is to, having lived the feelings completely, get rid of them. Technique “Trial” B. Weinhold and J. Weinhold suggest, as a psychotherapeutic technique, to conduct a “trial” of your parents with the help of a psychotherapist: “Stage a scene in court, asking the psychotherapist to play the role of a judge. You can act as a prosecutor. Read out a pre-drafted a list of things you believe both parents used to hurt you. Give full vent to your anger and irritation. If necessary, imagine their faces on the pillow, and give them a good beating until those old negative feelings are completely gone. will not leave you. After the accusation, you will have to carry out the “defense” of your parents. Your therapist can again play the role of the judge, while you become the defender. In this process, you will play the roles of various witnesses, including: - your parents at various stages of their childhood, - your parents' parents, - other people who played an important role in your parents' childhood, - your parents, but now adults, trying to raise you This exercise will provide information about how they grew up, the difficulties and hurts they experienced, and how this affected your childhood. When everything is done, it will be easier for you to forgive your parents and yourself." “Letter of Forgiveness” Technique Representatives of many directions recognize the effectiveness of writing letters (anger,resentment, forgiveness) or farewell letters that are not customary to send. This can be a letter written in free form, or in compliance with certain rules. It is believed that in order to forgive, you need to allow yourself to experience all the emotions that arise: anger, resentment (the same anger, but in a hidden form), pain, disappointment, sadness, fear, guilt, gratitude and finally love. One of the options for a “letter of forgiveness”, which is described in many sources (for example, by D. Gray in the “Letter of Feelings” technique), is the following: Progress of work: 1. Take a sheet of paper (or several depending on the number of grievances) and a pen. Get some privacy. You need to write alone, when no one will disturb you.2. Begin the letter by addressing the offender (for example, to the mother: “Dear Mom...”). And then “go through” all the feelings that you have for her. For example:1. I'm angry at you for...List of grievances.2. I am offended by you because...List of grievances.3. It hurts me that you...4. I'm disappointed that you...5. I'm sad that you...6. I'm afraid that... (for example, that the relationship will end, etc.)7. I'm sorry that I... (we're not perfect either)8. I want...Such a letter implies a response in the form of a response letter that we...write to ourselves on behalf of the offender. Such a response will create the illusion that you are heard and understood. If someone has disappointed or deceived you, imagine that they want to make amends. Think about how he can do this. Write everything you want to hear. Even if the person who offended you will never say such words in real life, write them anyway. This will allow you to experience positive emotions (love and care). Let it be in the imagination, but imagination has great power. The main thing is to take this process seriously. Perhaps at some point you will want to forgive the offender. Sample “response letter”: Dear (dear)_______.1. Please forgive me for...2. Now it’s clear to me that...3. I promise that...4. I am grateful to you for…5. I love you... If the relationship with a person is over, perhaps it will be suitable: “I let you go in peace...” Technique “Forgiveness in three letters” (Tipping K.) Tipping K. recommends writing three letters to your offender. “In the first letter you need to pour out all your anger and resentment. If this makes you feel better, threaten the offender with terrible revenge. Write as long as you have something to say. You may feel like crying while writing this letter - these will be tears of anger, sadness, indignation and resentment. Let them flow. If you feel angry, scream into a pillow or do other physical activities that help you feel the anger. Do not send this letter under any circumstances. Write another letter the next day. There should be much less anger and malice in it, but you still hold your offender in a “black body” for what, in your opinion, he did wrong to you. However, now try to be compassionate, understanding and generous, and allow for the possibility of forgiveness. Don't send this letter either. The next day, write a third letter. Here, try to give a new interpretation of the situation, based on the principles of Radical Forgiveness." Write 3 letter in free form (in your own words), but based on the points stated in the questionnaire for radical forgiveness by Tipping K. (see below). Principles of Radical Forgiveness (in particular , viewing your “offender” as a person who gives you the opportunity to heal, seeing your limiting beliefs that prevent you from gaining integrity, teachers, believing that each and every event in our lives occurs under Divine guidance, has a purpose and serves our highest good, etc.), you (if you wish) can find it in the book by Tipping K. “Radical Forgiveness: Make Room for a Miracle.” Radical Forgiveness Questionnaire "Using this questionnaire, you can transform situations or relationships with people around you. You may continue to be offended and spend a huge amount of energy on negative feelings, andyou can free up space for harmony and love. Use the questionnaire to free yourself from negative feelings and emotions. Date___________ Questionnaire No.____________________________________ Object (X), the reason for your grief...Tell a story1. The situation that caused my dissatisfaction. How I perceive it now. (Tell about a specific situation that upsets you. Be honest. Avoid self-censorship and interpretation).2. Claims against X: I’m angry with you because... - Formulate your claims as sharply as possible, specifically tell the offender what you accuse him of. If the offender is not alive, write as if he were alive. -Your behavior makes me feel the following... Don't censor or suppress your feelings. Try to identify your true emotions, rather than thoughts about them. Feel the emotions3. I lovingly acknowledge and accept my feelings (for example, resentment, anger, etc.) and no longer judge myself for them... (No bad feelings). ready inclined doubtful not ready (Check the appropriate box)4. I am the master of my feelings. No one can make me feel anything. My feelings are a reflection of how I see the situation. (If we believe that other people or situations can make us feel anything, we thereby give them our power). ready inclined doubt not ready5. Although I do not know how or why this happens, I understand that the soul created this situation for my learning and growth. ready inclined doubt not ready6. I see some clues in my life - namely, repeating situations and other "coincidences" - that indicate that there were many healing opportunities in my life that I did not notice at the time. For example: ...7. I am ready to admit that my mission, or “soul contract,” includes this experience - and there are certain reasons for this that I do not need to know. ready inclined doubt not ready8. My dissatisfaction with this situation signaled to me that I was depriving myself and X of love - which manifested itself in judgment, unrealistic expectations, wanting X to change, and thinking that X was imperfect. ready inclined doubt not ready (List all your expectations and actions , indicating that you wanted X to change.) Destroy the story9. I understand that I get upset only when someone resonates with those aspects of my being that I deny, repress and project onto other people. ready inclined doubt not ready10. X reflects what I need to love and accept about myself. ready inclined doubt not ready (Tipping K. believes that you don’t even need to find out which part of your being is reflected in the offender, it’s enough to accept this fact, everything works fine as is) .11. X reflects my false perception of reality. By forgiving X, I heal and create a new reality for myself. (Through our stories, which represent our perception of reality, we create our own lives and reality. We always attract people who reflect our false perceptions, thereby providing us with the opportunity to heal from mistakes and move on).ready inclined doubt not ready12. Now I understand that nothing X or other people do is good or bad. They just are. I refuse any judgments. ready inclined inclined doubt not ready13. I free myself from the need to judge and be right. I WANT to see perfection in the situation as it is. ready inclined doubtful not ready14. Although I do not yet understand how or why this happens, I recognize that we both received what each of us chose on a subconscious level. We danced the dance of healing together.ready inclined doubt not ready15. I thank you, X,for agreeing to play your part in my healing. And I am proud of myself for playing a role in your healing. ready inclined doubtful not ready16. I free my consciousness from these feelings... (for example, resentment, loneliness, sadness, anger, the feeling that I have been abandoned and betrayed - see point 2) ready inclined doubt not ready17. I thank you, X, for your willingness to be a mirror of my false perceptions and for giving me the opportunity to exercise radical forgiveness and accept myself for who I am. ready inclined doubt not ready Reframe the story18. Now I realize that everything I experienced (the victim's story) was an accurate reflection of my unhealthy perception of the situation. Now I understand that I can change this “reality” simply by showing a desire to see perfection in this situation. For example?...(Try to reframe the situation from the point of view of radical forgiveness. These can be general words, like, you know that everything is perfect , or a specific analysis of your situation if you really see how it showed perfection Note: usually you will not see this).19. I forgive myself completely, and accept myself as a loving, generous and creative person. I free myself from any need to cling to negative emotions and ideas that carry limitations and dissatisfaction with myself. I refuse to direct my energy into the past and break down all the barriers that have separated me from the love and abundance that I possess. I, the creator of my thoughts, feelings and life, regain the right to unconditionally love and support myself - as I am in all my splendor.20. Now, I surrender myself to the power of a Higher Power, which I call God, the Universal Mind.... I am confident that this situation will continue to develop in a perfect manner, in accordance with Divine guidance and spiritual law. I recognize my oneness with the Source and feel connected to it. I have returned to my true nature, which is love, and now I am loving X again. I close my eyes to feel the love flowing through me. I am filled with joy that goes hand in hand with love. (This is the last step of the forgiveness process. However, you are not taking it. You are only declaring your willingness to do it and asking for help to feel love.) Integrate the shift21. A note to you, X: “Today, having filled out this form, I...I forgive you with all my soul, X, because now I see that you did nothing wrong and everything that happened is subject to the Divine order. I thank, accept and love you without any preconditions - just as you are. (Note: This does not mean that I condone your behavior or that I will not take action in my own defense. We live in a human world, after all.) 22. Note to Self:...I acknowledge that I am a spiritual entity having a human experience . I love and approve of myself in all my human manifestations." As you can see, the technique of Radical Forgiveness requires Faith. K. Tipping believes that: "Forgiveness always begins as a lie. When a person begins this process, there is no forgiveness in his heart, and he goes this is the path from fake to genuine. So give yourself credit for doing it. But be gentle enough with yourself and let the forgiveness process take as long as it takes to complete it. Be patient with yourself. courage, will and faith.” Sometimes it takes a long time to write the third letter: several days or months. Don’t write any of these letters for the offender. You write them for yourself. farewell, then I propose to consider another technique. “Farewell Card” Technique (Baer U.) “Before you start creating a farewell card, close your eyes for a while and think about who or what you would like to say goodbye to. It could be something. that feeling, your usual manner", 2003.