Very often, the relationships of adult children with their mothers can be quite tense. And sometimes reference points are required in order to understand which direction to move in order to improve relationships. I propose the points of this instruction as such reference points. They can be used as guidelines when searching for the causes of conflicts. In relation to your life, some of these points may not be relevant - it all depends on the specific situation and the people involved in it. Or maybe you have come up with some other ways of interaction , not listed here. In this case, I would be grateful if you share them in the comments. Before taking decisive action, it is worth paying attention to several significant points: 🔷 It is very important to start by recognizing the existence of a problem. Not “I’m ashamed, I was on edge”, “I couldn’t restrain myself as usual” (guilt) or “Mom was out of sorts today because...” (rationalization), but “Our relationship makes me uncomfortable, and I want to change them in such a way that I feel comfortable.”🔷 Next, it’s worth understanding identities and family roles. Who is who in your relationship? The answer would seem obvious, but in reality it is not as simple as it seems. Mothers often adopt their own children, or try to take the place of their son’s wife or put their son in the place of their husband. And children often perceive their mother as a nanny for her grandchildren, an au pair, and so on. In addition, when you leave adolescence, you cease to be a child, while remaining a son or daughter. And, as an adult, you can and should distinguish your needs, satisfy them in a timely manner and independently, and rely on your own life experience. And if you are still in the role of a child and continue to maintain dysfunctional relationships, then it is worth asking yourself the question - for what? What do you get in this relationship? Is your mom holding you? How? Or are you not ready/don’t want to leave? What is your benefit?🔷 It is equally important to understand the feelings that you experience towards your mother and when communicating with your mother. In addition to warm feelings, you may also experience “bad” feelings - guilt, resentment, anger, powerlessness. And at the same time as the “good” ones. It is quite possible to be angry with your mother and love her at the same time. An adult sometimes experiences ambivalent feelings and is perfectly capable of dealing with them. But you may have “bad” feelings for your mother and not realize it, suppressing or denying their presence. “Bad” feelings, whether you experience them or suppress them, do not allow you to let go of the hope of getting something not received - love, attention, care, acceptance or recognition, do not give you the opportunity to realize that you are already an adult, prevent you from noticing and accepting your imperfect mother, separating from her and starting to build a relationship with her from the position of an adult.🔷 If you experience such negative feelings towards your mother, then Having recognized them and figured out what unmet needs they are caused by, sooner or later you will have to grieve for an irreparable loss - for the destroyed hope for true love and unconditional acceptance, for the fact that it is impossible to change your childhood and your mother. You will not be able to get anything else from your mother that you have already received, and you will have to live with what you have. You won’t be able to, even if you try to look for a mother’s substitute in other people.🔷 Having grieved and stopped seeing the ideal and omnipotent image, you will see your real mother - weak, perhaps no less traumatized, unable to love and care, or unable to love and care like that, as you would like, tough, indifferent or careless. It is possible that you will be able to notice that even an imperfect mother was able to give you something. Only a real person, and not an illusory omnipotent fairy, can be treated somehow: respect or not , show leniency or concern, love or not, feel gratitude or not, be free in your decisionsin relation to her. However, when showing participation, you should not forget that the mother is an adult, and she may need help where she objectively cannot cope on her own. And, of course, if she asks for help. Otherwise, is it love to indulge learned helplessness and promote irresponsibility? It is advisable to deal with all the above points before you take any action. Otherwise, there is a danger that you will follow the path of remaking the wrong yourself to suit your mother’s expectations or, more often, along the path of remaking the wrong mother (“What should I do with my mother so that she...?”) or try to act using the same methods, despite the fact that that they don't work. And, besides, you may be hampered by fear of your mother’s reaction or feelings of shame and guilt for not obeying and upsetting your mother - all those feelings with which you were able to fix you so well in childhood. Let’s move on to action🔷 You will have to learn build boundaries, because where they are blurred, everyone is responsible for everyone, and now you are to blame for the fact that mom is upset, she is sad, ashamed, and hurt. While everyone bears their share of responsibility. And it is exactly 100% responsibility for yourself, your feelings, your choices, your mistakes and your successes. And in order for you to take on your responsibility, you don’t need special permission. But remembering that mom also has boundaries is no less important than setting her own.🔷 What exactly needs to be done? ✔ Determine where your boundaries lie - what is unacceptable for you, and what you are willing to compromise on. ✔ Formulate rules taking into account your needs and your mother’s restrictions. ✔ These should be rules, not requirements. Remember that healthy boundaries are flexible boundaries, not rigid concrete ones.✔ Voice these rules to your mom. Not all 500 at once, of course. Gradually, starting with the simplest ones, put them into effect.✔ It is advisable to justify each rule. Explanations provide guidance, which means they reduce anxiety, which will be plenty on both sides.✔ You can look for justifications that are beneficial to mom too.✔ Alternatively, “Mom, please call me no more than once a week. If you call, like now, 10 times a day, then I will immediately hang up, unless you are going to say something really important. BUT – every Friday you and I will meet and go for coffee, just the two of us.”✔ Offer discussion and compromises. 🔷 You must be prepared for the fact that mom will be horrified and want everything to remain as it was. She can resist, manipulate, be offended, remain silent, scream. The separation of a child is a serious crisis for the mother, the loss of an important part of her identity, this is a loss, the first reaction to which is shock and denial (“They taught you this on the Internet!”).✔ You should learn to determine what manipulation is and not give in to it.✔ For example, when pressured by feelings of guilt, think: is it you who offend your mother with your wrong actions, or is your mother offended by you to force you to act the way she wants?✔ Be persistent and consistent. Repeat the calmly stated rule, do what you promised if your mother does not follow it. If a scandal breaks out, take time outs. When deciding to take action to protect your own borders, you must understand that your mother may not accept your decision and may not agree with your choice. It is sad. And you will have to make a choice - what price are you willing to pay and what part of your life are you willing to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. I honestly don’t see the point in paying for the life given by my mother with my life. However, it’s up to you to decide. Separation from your mother and building a new model of relationships, Although this is painful, it is still a process of CHANGE, and not DESTRUCTION, no matter how it seems against the backdrop of fear, anxiety and anger. Changing boundaries always causes anxiety, and the process of separation most often goes through pain, as at birth. But you you choose to live.