The Surroundings. The father of the child. The relationship between a woman and the father of a child in a situation of loss and after is not easy. Pregnancy loss often becomes a serious challenge for both. And I have more than once encountered the fact that spouses experienced estrangement from each other. Both pregnancy itself and the loss of a child clearly reveal the differences between spouses. If, in a psychological sense, you can hide from the experience of differences for a long time, creating illusions, as if not noticing that partners differ from each other in views, characters, ways of behavior, emotionality and characteristics of expressing emotions. In this situation, the emotional side is very clearly intertwined with the physical side. The woman was pregnant, she experienced this with her own body and she experiences all the consequences of the loss with her own body. And it is precisely this part of the experience that is inaccessible to a man. I think this point is important in understanding the dynamics between men and women in situations of loss. For the sake of brevity, I will describe this dynamic using the concepts of “husband” and “wife” and keeping in mind different forms of partnerships. Even in a situation where the husband is nearby, he supports the woman, takes care of her, shows sympathy and understanding, and behaves delicately, a woman will not always be free from feelings of shame, guilt and anger towards him. And this is a very difficult moment. Because these experiences alienate the woman from the man, create distance, and the relationship can become tense. The husband does not understand what is happening to his wife. He cares, does everything he can, sincerely sympathizes and even experiences his own pain, but she gets worse and worse, and he is also to blame for something else. This can lead to retaliatory anger or resentment, and the circle of destructive emotions closes. I have already written about shame and guilt above. You need to have quite subtle powers of observation, the skills to analyze your experiences, sometimes even experience and knowledge in the field of psychology, in order for the woman herself to guess or at least assume that the shame and guilt that she experiences have a very indirect relation to a man in a situation where a man does not shame or blame. A much larger role in the emergence of these feelings, in my opinion, is played by the woman’s own painful bodily experience in a given situation, the experience of relationships with medical personnel, and the woman’s personal beliefs, which are part of her worldview and ideas about the world and herself. Naturally, if a woman, even before pregnancy, was prone to experiencing these feelings for various reasons (there is such an individual trait when a person can easily feel shame or guilt in a relationship), then even in a situation of loss she will not be spared from experiencing these experiences. I also think that if spouses are not inclined to share their thoughts and experiences with each other, are not inclined or simply do not know how to discuss what is happening, to be frank with each other, then, of course, in a situation of stress, you can easily think up a lot of unpleasant things for yourself about your partner (because perception is distorted). In particular, for example, that “my husband blames me”, “he probably thinks that I did something wrong”, “my husband considers me a bad wife, a woman incapable of motherhood”, etc. As for anger , I think that some of a woman’s anger applies even to the best husband. And his “fault” is that he cannot share with a woman truly, to the fullest, her pain and grief. Because this experience is not available to him, in principle. And in this there is an abyss between us - men and women. And at the same time, this is the fine line where a woman’s pain and grief of loss can imperceptibly turn into a weapon of revenge and acting out. The man is powerless here. He really can’t oppose anything to a woman in response to “you’ve never experienced this!” You have no idea how I feel!” Because this is true. And the woman here is also powerless. Both her anger and rage come from powerlessness. She can't change it. She is faced with the fact that in their parental couple she provides her bodyfor the baby. And in this she is alone. Her anger may be due to the fact that she is alone in her inexplicable experience - a sense of responsibility when a new life develops inside her. And with the fact that she has to endure alone the real physical pain that is associated with pregnancy, loss, treatment, etc. And for that matter, in a physical sense, her perceived loss is truly greater. Only the husband is not to blame for this. This is how nature works. We humans need someone to share our pain with us. Perhaps you, reading this article, have had the experience of being especially touched by someone’s support, if the person was able to convey to you that he had been through similar things and could imagine from his own experience how you felt. In some situations, this turns out to be very important - not just support, not just words of sympathy, but recognition in the words of another that he too experienced this. And in this sense, the way out of the situation for a woman is, on the one hand, to accept the differences that exist between a man and a woman by nature, and on the other hand, to turn to women for support, and not wait for it only from my man. I witnessed such a story. A married couple who experienced loss could not become parents. But in general, this topic was not taboo and from time to time the spouses talked about it or shared their experiences. One day, a woman once again shared her pain with her husband, either by learning that a friend was pregnant, or by seeing a mother with a baby. Her husband answered her: “It hurts me too.” She told me that she suddenly noticed how an indignant “Why is it hurting you!” flashed inside her. She noticed that she couldn’t even imagine that her husband was going through pain. She understood and felt that he was worried about her, about her. But she couldn't understand what kind of pain he might have about the child. After this, a conversation took place between them, in which she asked him about his experiences and asked him to share with her. This helped the woman understand her husband better and finally notice his feelings. And also to feel more clearly that she is not alone in her experiences. Yes, a man experiences such a loss and his failed fatherhood differently than a woman. However, I would like to highlight the fact that men worry too. And sometimes (and maybe often) a woman not only cannot come to terms with the fact that her husband experiences differently, but, absorbed in her grief, cannot always admit the idea that he can even worry about this topic. Yes, a man often does not falls into a noticeable depression, does not cry with a woman day after day, is not immersed in experiences as much as she is. And this external difference also gives the woman reason to think that he does not understand her grief and that he is not completely with her. If this could be expressed vividly in one phrase, it might sound like this: “How can he continue to live as usual when we lost our child?! He doesn’t care!” In this regard, I would like to give a couple more examples that illustrate how the differences between us - women and men - manifest themselves in emotional behavior, in our roles and functions. One day a man told me that he could hardly restrain himself from tears, looking at his wife in the ward, coming out of anesthesia and crying. And he held on, “because there were people in the room” and “because I have to be strong when she is weak.” He also said: “If I cry next to her and relax, then how can I support her and solve other problems?” Another time, at my appointment there was a married couple who had experienced a loss during a long pregnancy. They came about a family crisis. And in the process of work, various grievances began to surface, as usual. One of the woman's grievances was that her husband, when she was grieving, could go play sports with friends. At first glance, this is fair. Condemnation of a man in such a situation can be a fairly typical reaction on the part of women. However, if a woman knows that for men, sports and team games can be one of the few adequatemeans of relieving accumulated tension and liberation from excess feelings, then you can look at this situation from a completely different perspective. With all the understanding of women’s pain, I would like to appeal to women in defense of men. I think that yes, men, in my opinion, more often repress emotions, do not always feel and realize every detail so deeply and do not always tend to get stuck on little things, they tend, as they say now, “not to bother.” But maybe thanks to these features they can be the men next to us? Strong, resilient, able to maintain external composure in stressful situations? It's not easy for them either. From childhood they are taught not to cry, to restrain their aggression, to be courageous, etc. And from childhood they have to learn to package their emotions in such a way as to meet women’s and, in general, social expectations. But if a man doesn’t cry next to you, doesn’t constantly talk about how he’s worried, this doesn’t mean at all that he doesn’t care. Another common difference, in my opinion. A man tends to look for a solution to a problem rather than beat around the bush with emotions. And this is generally an eternal topic in the relationship between a man and a woman - about who and how understands support, sympathy and complicity. Different attitudes towards emotions plus ignorance of the patterns associated with grief leads to the fact that a man may not really understand why a woman has been suffering for so long (a month, two, three, more). Moreover, it may scare him. So, for example, I witnessed a dialogue between a husband and wife when he exclaimed: “How much you can worry!” and tried to reason with his wife: “Stop it. Get a hold of yourself". This was 2-3 months after the woman was discharged from the hospital. The woman perceived this as misunderstanding and rejection, a devaluation of her feelings. In the dialogue, it became clear that the man was sincerely worried about his wife, thinking that she was stuck in depression, and afraid that she might do something to herself. For him, tears were a sign of prolonged trouble. For a woman, tears were what helped her relieve tension and free herself from pain. It was surprising for her that behind her husband’s calls to pull herself together, there was hidden not coldness and indifference, but fear of something that she had not even thought about. When they managed to hear each other, it turned out to be mutual support. And it enabled them to better understand each other’s behavior. It became easier for the husband to accept his wife’s tears when she suddenly remembered, saw or heard something that reminded her of a recent loss. And for the wife it became clear that her husband does not care at all when she cries. All of the above can take place when a man experiences a loss together with a woman, cares, is present, and empathizes. Now let's imagine that something is wrong. That the situation is complicated, for example, by external circumstances: the husband was on a business trip when the woman tried to save the child and lost him; The husband was in the process of experiencing some kind of severe personal stress or grief (loss of a job or troubles at work, illness or death of someone close to him). Or the relationship between the couple and before pregnancy was not smooth - there were misunderstandings and conflicts; partners are not inclined to share their experiences, discuss their relationships, each other’s actions, or clarify; There is a struggle between partners for power or for who is to blame, who suffers more than the other in the relationship. Then everyone in this stressful situation perceives the other even more through the prism of their fantasies, and they, as a rule, are not rosy. I think that given the above, it is not difficult to imagine what a woman’s experiences are, what the strength of anger and resentment is towards a man if he is indifferent , if he is rude and callous, and, even more so, if he is convinced that “just think, it’s business to bear and give birth,” and behaves accordingly. More about anger towards the child’s father. After a frozen pregnancy or miscarriage before The woman is faced with the question of both the reasons for what happened and the planning of the next pregnancy. The solution to these issues is accompanied byvisiting doctors, undergoing various procedures that cannot be called pleasant, undergoing numerous tests. Sooner or later, the question arises in the family that the future father also participate in the examination - donate sperm for a spermogram, consult with an andrologist and, perhaps, even undergo a course of treatment, donate blood to determine possible genetic abnormalities, etc. Here the differences between men and women become even more acute. I think many will agree that, in general, men are less disciplined than women in terms of visiting doctors. This is due to at least two factors. The first is that men, despite their outward courage and strength, may be more emotionally vulnerable in the event of medical manipulation. The second is that it is difficult for men to tolerate and face their own weakness. And going to the doctor can in itself be an admission of some potential weakness - if I go to the doctor, it means something is wrong. And here, in the situation of the issue of health and pregnancy planning, a woman encroaches on one of the sacred things - confidence in the biological productivity and usefulness of a man. I cannot lay claim to a large amount of statistical data, but based on my experience of communicating with men, I note a tendency for such a perception of the situation. And it seems that men are really scared. It’s scary to even think that there might be something wrong with them in this regard. This is some kind of outrageous attempt on the part of a woman to even suggest that it could be a matter of a man. And depending on how mature, trusting, stable the relationship is in the couple, the situation can range from some tension to passive sabotage, turning into outright scandals. One of the typical indignant complaints of a woman: “I’ve already done so much, but it’s difficult for him to take the sperm in a jar to the laboratory!” And the woman’s indignation here can be understood - procedures, examinations, tests, injections, everything that she experiences cannot be compared for her with what is required of her husband - take a couple of tests, go to one or two unpleasant appointments with a doctor , maybe go through several procedures. What can be done? How can I help? I really hope that for men reading this article, the very description of some of the experiences of women in a similar situation can help them better understand what might be happening to their woman. And maybe the image of pregnancy itself, and problems with maintaining pregnancy, and situations with pregnancy loss will become at least a little more complicated in imagining. Well, general recommendations for other parts of the article can become guidelines on how to act, what to pay attention to, what kind of support a man can provide to a woman himself, and what kind of support needs to be organized with the help of other people (women, doctors, psychologists, etc.) .I will also take the opportunity to reach out to men who are avoiding medical examinations due to difficulties in conceiving as a couple or due to miscarriage. Women do go through quite a lot of unpleasant and painful procedures in connection with the diagnosis of the causes of infertility and miscarriage. And the experience of maintaining and losing a pregnancy is a painful and scary experience in every sense. Both psychologically and medically. If you love your woman, if you really want to become a father, do what is definitely up to you - get tested. If everything is okay with you, you will know it and calm down. If something is wrong, then at least there will be an understanding of what to do next. Instead of conflicts and cooling in couples. If you feel scared or uncomfortable, try to find support. Try to admit that your participation is really needed. Well, from a psychological point of view, it’s up to each man to choose for himself whether to try to understand his woman, whether to support her on the basis of this understanding, or to remain on the other side of the problem, drawing a clear line between matters of men and women, and considering that everyone needs to solve them independently.KFor women, my main message is that women’s support is very much needed in such situations. No matter how wonderful your man is in terms of sensitivity, understanding, ability to support morally, etc., if your experiences are strong and deep, then with a high probability you may encounter that anger towards a man that is insoluble in a relationship. Because it does not depend on the quality of the relationship, but simply on the fact that you are fundamentally different in your physical nature. And I just want to draw your attention once again to the fact that men cannot understand everything about our women’s experiences, just as we cannot understand everything and can experience it in our own skin as regards being a man. It seems to me that this fact can only be accepted and experienced. Addressing both sides of this drama at the same time, I will add a couple more sentences: Talk. If you don't know how, learn. Talk to each other. Hear each other. And understand. Understanding does not necessarily mean agreeing. This means correctly understanding what your partner says, and not distorting it with your personal interpretations and conjectures. People very often make the mistake of thinking that they understand each other well. To be honest, I have not seen a single couple in which the ability to speak with each other (ask and answer, clarify, clarify, try to find common ground - especially in difficult situations) was unnecessary or spoiled the relationship. Vice versa. This skill always helps. Especially when it's mutual and both partners are willing to discuss what's going on. Pay attention to your relationship before and after the loss. Pregnancy loss is a test for a couple. If your relationship was difficult before the incident, there was a lot of tension, complaints, conflicts, dissatisfaction, then during the period of loss all this can worsen. And the family faces a double burden. Quite often, visits to a psychologist occur precisely on the basis of some acute event, which immediately reveals all the existing problems. So don't delay. If you see that you don't have enough resources, ask for help. Contact a couple or one of the partners who feels a great need or readiness for this. Doctors. Doctors and other medical professionals have already been mentioned by me in this article when I wrote about shame. In general, of course, a doctor and a nurse are the people with whom a woman most often encounters regarding her pregnancy. And, of course, her condition depends quite strongly on which doctors and nurses are next to the woman along this path. If a woman is experiencing a missed abortion or the consequences of a miscarriage, then with a high probability she will have to deal with several doctors and their assistants , because the doctor conducting outpatient monitoring cannot accompany the woman to the hospital where she is being treated. It’s good if doctors and other health workers are smart, both technically and humanly. Of course, it’s worse if among them are burnt out or not at all very suitable for this activity. The issue of culture in treating patients, in my opinion, is a very sensitive issue in our country. And it is connected not only with the training of doctors, but also with the structure of our healthcare system as a whole - including with questions of the reasonableness of organizing the activities of medical workers, with questions of financing, wisdom and moderation of control, etc. But I don’t plan to discuss this here. I just want to say that part of the painful state of a woman during and after a missed pregnancy or miscarriage is definitely related to the behavior of doctors and nurses. A significant part of a woman's pain when losing a child is associated with the humiliation and abandonment experienced by the woman during this loss. The attitude of doctors can either ease or worsen a woman’s psychological state. Doctors, of course, and due to the nature of their work, inevitably become the target of the patient’s anger. Often, anger falls on them first. Some of this anger, they don'tdeserve it at all. This is a fairly common situation when the anger associated with the grief of loss is directed at the most suitable object, one way or another connected with the loss. On the other hand, I would not ignore the contribution that doctors and nurses actually make, sometimes, to the aggravation of psychological state of the patient. Moreover, here I would emphasize more the role of the human factor, rather than the technical one, namely the attitude towards the patient and the way of treating her in the process of performing one’s duties. Speaking about the human factor, I do not mean at all that doctors and nurses should somehow especially feel sorry for and envelop their patients with care, I am not talking about some special psychological approach - constantly listening, consoling, finding some kind of supportive words. After all, they still need to do direct work—to treat. I'm talking about the banal minimum - respectful attitude towards a woman, treating her as a person, and not as a soulless body. I'm talking about such elementary things, in my opinion, that are an obligatory part of treatment. About answering questions; about preparation for certain procedures by explaining what and how; about looking at least sometimes at the patient during a dialogue with her; about tone, intonation; and, at a minimum, the absence of offensive words addressed to the patient. For that matter, I’m talking about the elementary culture of communication, and even more so, the provision of medical services. Regarding the attitude towards doctors and nurses, I would like to note a couple more points here: Mistrust, resentment, anger towards doctors and other medical staff can be transferred further, outside the hospital or antenatal clinic. This can happen when a woman is still in the process of experiencing loss, and when the medical side of the issue is not closed (follow-up treatment, examinations, rehabilitation - depending on the complexity of the situation). And also - in the case of unfinished grief or in the event that the treatment process turned out to be not just stress for the woman, but turned into psychological trauma (which is also possible under certain external and internal circumstances). This can lead to the fact that subsequent meetings with doctors about what happened or about planning a new pregnancy can lead to a deterioration in the woman’s psychological state. In other words, a meeting with a doctor, a discussion of certain issues, becomes what again revives painful experiences. Even if it seemed that the woman had already fully recovered and was in a good psychological state most of the time. Therefore, on an unconscious level, the doctor may be perceived not as an assistant, but rather as an enemy or ill-wisher. A woman’s anger and mistrust of doctors may increase during a protracted examination and the reasons for miscarriage are unclear. Especially if fading or miscarriage did not occur for the first time. The less clarity and understanding of what to do so that next time you can bear a child, the more anxiety and mistrust a woman has. This cup also fills, of course, as the woman encounters different doctors and different opinions or additional opinions. Typical situation: a woman who has experienced frozen pregnancies or miscarriages, turning to doctors due to concomitant diseases (or, for example, when undergoing an ultrasound scan, which is most often done by a non-attending doctor), receives questions and recommendations from doctors: “have you checked this ?”, “Have you checked this?”, “You should do such an analysis,” etc. On the one hand, this is good. And thank God that there are interested doctors and it’s easy to compare their opinions. As the saying goes, the world's share is the same as the naked man's shirt. One said something sensible, the other said something sensible, and you see, a more complete picture of the actions will form. On the other hand, a woman may have a question: “Why didn’t my attending physician ask or tell me about this?” “Does he not know about this, or is he not conscientious enough, or something else?” And if she asks this question to herdoes not ask the primary doctor, then trust decreases, and tension grows, and perhaps even anger. On the other hand, a woman who has already been examined from all sides, and no specific reasons for what happened have been found, can internally react quite painfully to such questions. When another doctor (by the way, not always specialized) with the best intentions (or, what is less pleasant, without any special intentions, but automatically) begins to ask, “have you been through this, have you figured out that,” the woman is plunged into a feeling of her own helplessness, because she has already gone through all this, but there is still no answer. And in her perception, such a “curious” doctor does not look like an assistant, but like another stranger who is pressing on her sore spot. Again, in a situation where a woman undergoes test after test to no avail, she may have doubts about whether Are they getting money from her? This is especially true for those women who are seen by paid doctors. Oddly enough, seemingly useful and, in fact, correct recommendations from doctors play a cruel joke with some women. This also applies to women who have experienced a miscarriage or miscarriage for the first time, and especially to those who are faced with the problem of recurrent miscarriage. Modern doctors, in my opinion, have begun to pay more attention to the psychological component of health. I think that's good. You can often hear from them that “you need to put your thoughts in order”, “you need to be less nervous, think positively”, “you need to relax”, “you need more pleasant impressions”, etc. In relation to the women I write about now, advice such as “You need to relax, stop worrying”, “You need to tune in. A lot depends on the mood.” However, doctors do not particularly care about how the woman understood these recommendations and whether she knows how to follow them. Often a woman, having received such recommendations, and even agreeing with them head on, falls into a psychological trap. If she is still in the process of grieving about what happened, in the process of living with post-operative stress, etc., then she begins to criticize herself for excessive tears, tension, and anxiety. And thus interrupts the normal process of self-regulation and release from experienced tension. If the stress associated with the loss is already over, and the woman is anxious when planning a new pregnancy, then she begins to reproach herself for not being able to calm down and perceive the upcoming pregnancy as something bright. She begins to scold herself for her anxiety and is afraid that with this anxiety she can harm herself and the child this time. And that this could lead to miscarriage or miscarriage again. These thoughts and self-judgment further promote anxiety, since it cannot get rid of anxiety simply by the effort of the mind—this closes the circle of destructive emotions. Particularly vulnerable to such recommendations, of course, are women who, even without the incident, were characterized by increased anxiety and a tendency to self-criticism, to condemn themselves for their weakness, inability to cope with their own anxiety and other painful experiences. Sometimes doctors who are faced with infertility say stories that seem to be designed to support a woman and become an example for her that she needs to let go of the situation. They say that they or their friends or patients managed to conceive, carry and give birth when they completely stopped thinking about it, planning and controlling anything. And about cases when, knowing about her infertility, a woman did not even suspect that she was pregnant until three months old (this also happens). However, for a woman who has a problem not with conceiving, but with bearing a child, such advice can be dead-end and even harmful. Since most miscarriages and miscarriages occur in the early stages, such women often need early medical supervision, as well as often medication support from the first days of pregnancy. The doctors themselves talk about this. How to let go of the situation? How not to control? Especially when it comes tohabitual miscarriage. Therefore, a field of tension and control is created around pregnancy in such women. If a woman, due to her individual characteristics, and before the incident, was distinguished by a tendency to increased control in different situations, then in a situation with pregnancy, against the backdrop of a strong desire and experienced failures, her desire to take everything into account, control and avoid possible risks can take on especially exaggerated forms. And reducing anxiety and giving up hypercontrol requires special personal efforts. Therefore, following the doctor’s recommendation to “relax and stop thinking about it” is very difficult, and in some cases, impossible. And such recommendations cause some women either anger or, on the contrary, a new desire to control themselves in order to relax and stop controlling. Which, of course, as I wrote above, simply creates a vicious circle. In general, I understand that I am describing here quite common phenomena that are not related exclusively to the problem of pregnancy, but are generally related to issues of health and interaction between doctors and patients. And these questions can be viewed from different angles. In this article I would like to draw the attention of readers specifically to the psychological aspects of the issue. To understand that: the strength of the emotions experienced by a woman in relation to doctors and examinations can be associated precisely with the grief she experiences, personal anxiety and a feeling of powerlessness regarding the situation; that some actions of doctors designed to improve the psychological state of the patient can paradoxically be a factor of deterioration; that The behavior of doctors and other health workers towards the patient plays an important role in her rehabilitation after loss: basic respectful behavior contributes to rehabilitation, at least in that it does not aggravate her stress or trauma. What can be done? How can I help? For starters. About hospitalization. I feel strange starting to write this paragraph. It's like I'm writing a defense manual. But what to do. In part, this is our reality. Relatives can support a woman with their real presence and participation in providing her with some degree of protection and banal participation in organizing her life in the hospital. Since the woman herself at this moment may not have the strength to fully take care of herself, much less stand up for herself and defend some of her basic rights. When the staff sees that someone actively cares about the patient and is ready to defend his interests, as a rule, hospital staff behave more correctly. I myself have observed this more than once in different situations with different patients. I know real examples of simple household protection. When only a call from “outside” helped resolve the issue of finding a more or less normal mattress for a hospital bed, for example. While the patient herself was simply “kicked off.” I also wrote above about cases of how rudely orderlies can treat a woman recovering from anesthesia. I had a chance to see how the presence of the patient’s relatives in the room, waiting for her during and after the operation, affects such workers. Sometimes a situation may arise when it makes sense to even change the attending physician (due to the same rudeness) or contact the manager or other responsible person so that the operation is performed by a certain doctor. And, of course, to visit. This is especially important for a woman on the part of the father of the child. When he visits, when he is interested in what needs to be brought, when he can simply be nearby, etc. Of course, what I describe does not apply to all women to the same extent. And this does not mean at all that the entire set of experiences and needs described in this article will be felt by every specific woman. Everything is individual. Therefore, if your woman does not show any signs of such experiences or refuses in every possible way your visits to the hospital and your care, then you should not try to do good by insisting on your own, because the psychologist said so in the article. Anyway, what you can do is clearexpress your desire and readiness to support a woman and take care of her. Otherwise, I think the following will be important in terms of alleviating the condition: Just understanding the source of a woman’s experiences and what aggravates them can already help to some extent in coping with them. Search good doctors. If there are complications and a medical need to support the body in recovery. If you have problems with pregnancy and need a doctor who deals closely with this topic. The woman herself can do the searching. But close people, if the woman takes part in them, can greatly help in this search. Use connections to find referrals. Search through friends - in person and on the Internet. I myself am one of those people who, in case of health problems, also read various sources on the topic. And then I talk to my doctors - I ask, clarify... and in this process I evaluate how knowledgeable the doctor is, whether he can clearly explain to me, answer my questions, even if they look amateurish and ridiculous. Of course, this is possible mainly with doctors in private clinics, who do not have 5-10 minutes to see one patient. But in a situation of miscarriage, it may be worth thinking about how to find funds for an intelligent doctor if you are unlucky with the government one. The costs of saving another pregnancy or recovering from another loss may ultimately turn out to be much higher. It is very sad and bitter to hear stories when a woman loses one, second, third pregnancy, and her leading doctor will not even refer her for examinations that have long been known and indicated for patients in such situations. Since I am not a doctor, I will only indicate some basic areas where you should look and about which you can consult with a gynecologist if a woman has lost her pregnancy or is planning a pregnancy in the future. Gynecologists who deal with pregnancy problems know most of the factors themselves. And if you need advice from a related specialist, they refer you to him. But it depends on the specialist. They might miss it. So, it makes sense to talk with a gynecologist about: consultation with a geneticist, about thrombophilia and consultation with a hematologist, about consultation with an endocrinologist (or gynecologist-endocrinologist) and an immunologist (about autoimmune factors). And once again: if the doctor does not inspire confidence, change the doctor or independently decide to consult with related specialists. In general, it is important to take a break. In examinations and in treatment, if we are not talking about what really needs to be treated and not neglected, namely about preparing for the next pregnancy, about finding out the causes of miscarriage, etc. It’s worth thinking about whether to give yourself time for the same rest, to restore your body and mental balance. Both a simple vacation spent in a good atmosphere and various bodily practices that help harmonize the body and restore self-regulation can be useful for this. A massage therapist, an osteopath (namely an osteopath, and not a chiropractor or chiropractor), a yoga teacher or some other eastern health practice that you like - all this can be useful if chosen at will and taking into account your own characteristics. Working with a psychologist can be also supportive and restorative. At the same time, in my opinion, it is especially good if a psychologist works in an approach that pays attention not only to rational processes, but also to emotional and physical processes. Other women. A woman experiences an equally rich range of painful experiences in relation to other women - be they relatives, friends, acquaintances or complete strangers. Shame, envy, jealousy, anger, guilt. Shame and feelings of inferiority. I think these experiences are most pronounced and more likely to manifest themselves in childless women who are unable to conceive or give birth to a child. Perhaps this experience occurs to a lesser extent or less often for women who already have children and have experiencemotherhood. Although, of course, I could be wrong. In my opinion, for childless women these experiences in relation to other women have two sources. In addition to the fact that a woman cannot or has not been able to conceive, bear and give birth to a child (that is, the very state of a full pregnancy or pregnancy in general is not available to her), she cannot yet become a mother (that is, be in the role that for most women turns out to be available). In other words, there is something wrong with her twice - she cannot be a biological mother and she cannot experience motherhood. It is important to understand here that, of course, in most cases, the road to motherhood is not closed for a woman. And motherhood (biological or adoptive) is possible. But I emphasize the point that a successful pregnancy opens up the opportunity for a woman to be a mother. After 9 months, in most cases, the birth of a child naturally follows. In a situation where a woman cannot conceive or give birth, the path to motherhood becomes, as a rule, more tortuous and longer. Because it includes many new, difficult questions. And all this time, a woman is surrounded by women who become pregnant, give birth, and, sometimes, during her attempts and failures, do this more than once. And every time such news (about a friend’s pregnancy or about the birth of someone’s baby) touches a nerve. And if, in parallel with this news, a woman experiences another failure or loss, painful experiences may intensify. Envy. A woman who has lost a child or is trying in vain to become pregnant is often familiar with the feeling of envy. She envies pregnant women and those who have given birth, she envies women with babies. She envies everything connected with a successful pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a baby. She may find herself constantly comparing herself and the women she envies, and disconsolately wondering, “Why are they better?!” With envy comes jealousy. Especially in a situation where a pregnant woman or a young mother appears in a woman’s close circle. Jealousy is associated with the attention that another woman receives in connection with the upcoming or already occurring motherhood. Or it could be painful experiences that arise when relatives in the family circle share observations of a growing baby. Anger also applies to other women. This experience for a woman can range from quiet anger and resentment to hatred of pregnant women or mothers with small children (especially babies), as if these pregnant women had personally stolen the child or the ability to give birth from her. Moreover, this hatred is not necessarily the result of a woman cultivating this feeling within herself. It can just arise suddenly. Of course, not always anyone except the woman herself learns about these feelings. Envy, jealousy, anger are condemned feelings in society. Most women experience them within themselves. In general, it is also not customary for us to talk about shame in everyday life. The feeling itself leads to a feeling of being something insignificant and unworthy. And telling someone about this requires good reasons. The more personally developed a woman is, the more educated she is, the less inclined she is to act out her pain on other women. Moreover, she herself most often suffers from these experiences. Firstly, they are all connected with her pain, which does not go away from the experience of envy, jealousy or anger. And secondly, she is afraid of such experiences in herself. Or if she doesn’t get scared, she can become disgusted with herself. Condemning these experiences within herself, a woman tries to suppress them, fight them. And then a feeling of guilt comes into play. Guilt for some of your thoughts about other women, for your own aggression towards them (regardless of whether it is manifested or not). Guilt for one’s behavior in some situations (for example, for the fact that a woman cannot sincerely and without a shadow of pain rejoice for a relative or friend whobecame pregnant and gave birth, cannot share her joy with her fully or to any extent at all). Moreover, all these feelings are intricately intertwined and, at times, create a vicious circle. Especially if a woman does not have that “support group” or at least one person with whom she can be open, can be understood, heard, and who, with their love, understanding and wise responses, can help her maintain a vision of herself undistorted by grief. Against the backdrop of everyone These experiences can also destroy close relationships of women. A woman may distance herself from her friends, and may develop irrational resentment or anger at them for not being attentive enough to her feelings. Although, in fairness, it is worth recalling that quite often the full feelings of the “victim” remain unknown to friends if they themselves have not encountered a similar experience or experienced this experience very differently. Relationships can become complicated when one friend has experienced loss (or is currently experiencing) or the inability to get pregnant, and the other has succeeded. Let me give you an example of a real letter from those that came to my website under the heading “online question to a psychologist.” In it, a girl who cannot conceive a child comes to me. However, similar situations and experiences in relationships also affect those who have lost a child as a result of miscarriage or missed pregnancy. I am printing the letter here since it was opened for general publication: “Good afternoon! Please help me with advice. My husband and I really want a child, but unfortunately it hasn’t worked out yet (2 years). I take pills, spend a lot of money, go to a good gynecologist, in general we do everything to make our wishes come true! And then my best friend became pregnant for the second time in the space of several months, although they didn’t even try and didn’t want a child (she miscarried the first pregnancy on purpose), she told me about this not very correctly, knowing what problems my husband and I have! I pretended to be happy for her, but in reality I feel some kind of irritation, anger, resentment towards her... she calls, as before, to visit... and I avoid meetings in every possible way, coming up with various excuses for her! I love her and don’t want to lose her...Please help me, because I don’t know what to do and how to behave with her......Thank you.”It is also possible for a situation when friends or women from relatives hide their own pregnancy from a woman who has experienced a loss. from time to time. Sometimes, trying not to stir up her feelings, sometimes, fearing envy, sometimes this happens simply because they, in principle, want not to advertise the pregnancy until a certain period, and this has no personal connection. However, no matter how contradictory this may be, a woman who has lost a child may experience resentment in this situation or see in such an act a confirmation of her own fears, that she is so annoying to those around her with her condition, or her anger or envy, that they begin to shun her. The other side anger, which affects everyone around, but especially women (since they are more “sympathetic” in this topic) is a reaction to persistent and often completely thoughtless attempts to help a woman - in word or deed. Help without asking whether she needs this help and whether she wants such participation in this situation. Namely, this is advice about which other doctor to go to, sending all sorts of messages with various links to the stories of other women, which ultimately ended well. For example, an interview with some actress or just a woman from the people, about how she couldn’t become a mother, and then, after some actions she took (travel to holy places, touching an icon, classes with a psychologist, a trip with her husband at sea, quitting her job and radically changing her life, etc.) she was finally able to get pregnant, give birth, and is now happy. These are attempts to suggest a new gynecologist, talk about what other tests can be taken, etc. Who knows what - some begin to offer their grandmothers-healers, some astrologers, some charged peas andetc. The paradox is that, on the one hand, people seem to be trying to act with the best intentions. On the other hand, by doing this, people often become “elephants in a china shop” because they are not interested in advance to what extent the woman is ready for such advice and wants it now, whether she needs support in this particular form. For someone who has experienced a loss, or perhaps more than one, has been immersed in this topic with her whole body and soul for several years, such sloppy help can often be perceived as a completely different message. For example: “You’re not trying hard enough, try this too”, “You should become a mother, keep trying - we really want you to succeed”, “Your problem is nothing complicated, you just need to find a good specialist (the right medicine , take the necessary action), “We can see better from the outside what you need to do in order for you to succeed,” etc. After all, at that particular moment when such unsolicited recommendations and advice are given, the woman simply may not be in the right emotional state. And instead of support, you get a blow to the sore spot. Relatives. In general, what I wrote in the section above (about other women) also applies to female relatives. Therefore, I will not repeat myself in this part. Men, in my opinion, interfere less in this topic - both with support and inappropriate presence. Which is quite understandable. This is not their path at all. Therefore, to a greater extent among men, the child’s father is “under the gun” of women’s feelings. In addition to what is described above in connection with other women, in relation to relatives, the following experiences of a woman are also possible: shame for “unjustified expectations” (this may especially apply to parents who really want and there is no way they can become grandparents) shame in relation to their parental family, their clan, associated with the idea of ​​themselves as inferior in comparison with other women of the family. Here, by the way, the emotional side of the relationship with the woman’s father may be affected. If for him the most valuable idea is not just the presence of a grandson to take care of, but the presence of a grandson as a continuation of the family. I think that it is worth noting the fear of going your own way, choosing your own path in relation to motherhood. For example, I know of situations where relatives categorically do not support a woman’s desire to adopt a child. The woman then has to choose between her desire to be a mother and loyalty to her family. And, if you decide to adopt, then you run the risk of being alone, without support, with a child who will not be accepted. It is not a fact that this will happen. But no one knows what the relatives’ reaction to an already adopted child will be. A woman has to make a decision in the absence of support from her immediate environment. Along with anger and shame, there is often resentment. When support is not enough, and in addition to the difficult situation in itself, a woman also has to solve the accompanying problems of relationships with her family, resentment and anger may inevitably arise towards those from whom the woman expects this support and does not receive it sufficiently. Close and distant acquaintances. I won’t say much here. Of course, the share of participation of casual or close acquaintances in a woman’s experiences is, as a rule, small. Perhaps the most common form is curiosity and something like a traditional, generally accepted interest in a topic. I mean those same, casually thrown questions or statements during a meeting that sound like “Well, when are you?”, “Are you in no hurry,” “You’ve been sitting too long.” This is usually pronounced in a light, unpretentious manner, with a kind intonation. However, according to my observations, rarely do anyone I know think about where this can hit a woman and her man, including. Example for illustration. I know the story of how a kind neighbor, with whom the young family was generally on good terms, once saw a woman and her husband getting out of the car near the house, cheerfully greeted the couple and exclaimed, “Guys, it’s time, it’s time.”