From the author: The article was fully published in the journal "EXISTENTIA: psychology and psychotherapy" 3/2010 pp. 248-258 Is the path to gratitude through a gift? In a therapeutic relationship, a gift does not always equal gratitude. Moreover, it may indicate difficulties, ambiguities in the therapeutic relationship, or their absence at all. Let's look at some of these cases. What meaning can a gift have besides gratitude? The client gives a gift to the therapist largely because it is customary. And such a gift resembles a situation typical in the client-patient relationship in the medical model: the doctor is supposed to give something, because... he is an important person at this period of his life; Doctors have low salaries and we need to support them, thus restoring justice. Such gifts are typical for socialized clients who often act in stereotypical ways. I remember an expression where gifts are compared to good advice, which brings more joy to the one giving the advice than to the person receiving it (Edouard Herriot). However, it is important to note that clients with these gifts show that they include the therapist in their circle of important and pleasant people. In institutions where free advisory assistance is provided, gifts often appear that, in my opinion, have only some relation to gratitude. When I worked in such a center, at the end of the first consultation, the client could get not only a box of chocolates, but also cottage cheese with sour cream, which he made himself. The words accompanying these gifts were something like this: “But you consulted for free, it’s somehow inconvenient.” For me, this was a reason for an open conversation about the possibility of paid consultations within my private practice. Some clients happily switched to contractual relationships that were more acceptable and clear to them. Other clients openly expressed their concerns behind the gift, asking whether the quality of free work was different from paid consultations. Distrust and doubts were covered up by some kind of gift. By accepting such a gift without clarification, the therapist would support the client's feelings. An open dialogue about the conditions and possibilities of therapy frees therapy from unnecessary things. This dialogue can be initiated by the therapist through the client's gift. And along with such gifts, the suspicions and projections that were embodied in them leave therapy. A gift always shows feelings. In therapy, it can be a manifestation of the client’s feelings, which are sometimes unclear to him. One client, with eyes full of tears, gave me a small souvenir for the New Year. Intuitively, she started the “congratulations” in the middle of the session, not at the end. During our conversation, it turned out that both the tears and the gift were connected with a person who had passed away by that time. He occupied an important place in this woman's life. But the client did not realize her feelings for him, for the change that occurred with the death of this man. How much I would have taken that is not mine, someone else’s, if this important conversation had not taken place. We became much closer to each other after her condition became clear. Sometimes, after clarification, it is important not to take the gift, but to leave it with the client. One day a client said that he wanted to give me a gift and asked me to accept it. At that time, we already had more than 20 meetings with Gleb. Initially, he came to me with a request to participate in the trial: he and his ex-wife “shared” a child. Having received a refusal and explanations for it, Gleb found meaning for himself to start his own therapy, where his relationship with his ex-wife occupied a central place. At the time of “giving me a gift,” the real relationship of the former spouses was quite aggressive. And it was then that Gleb invited me to accept an envelope with money, the amount of which was ten times higher than my usual fee. He explained that his daughter's birthday was coming up and he wanted her to have a mother as understanding as me. Exactlyfrom discussing the desire to give this gift, Gleb began to realize his attachment to his ex-wife, the real mother of his child, and to recognize his real feelings for her. Among the feelings that he felt for her, there were many warm ones, but unconscious in his passion for war. This gift incident helped us talk more openly about our relationships: about the feelings in them, about their possibilities, about reality and illusions. Giving a gift at the beginning or middle of work may indicate the client's resistance or even his desire to end therapy. There was a similar case in my practice. We signed a contract with Margarita Fedorovna for 10 meetings. She was an active lady of fifty-six years old. She gave the impression of an open person who knows what she wants. Fascinated by the client and “our successful progress,” I did not immediately notice that the pace we took was too fast. In words, Maria Feodorovna was brave and decisive, but in her experiences she was vulnerable, hiding her especially painful feelings. Her sudden gift helped us. After the third meeting, she took out a box of chocolates and was surprised by my question: “Will she come next time?” At the fourth meeting, the main character was this box of chocolates, and the center of our consideration was the client’s doubts, worries and fears in connection with her new desires and decisions. We took a few steps back, returning to the beginning. As a result of this return, our goals became more modest and moderate, the pace more relaxed. A sudden gift helped me become an ally of those feelings that the client was used to ignoring in her life. About gifts that are not accompanied by gratitude, but by many difficult feelings, including anger, Nancy McWilliams writes in the section on secondary (higher order) defense mechanisms, describing revocation: “One of my patients sometimes brought me flowers as a gift. She was very anxious and could have taken my refusal of the gift, or even my analysis of the reason why she gave it to me, as a deep refusal of her sincere impulses. Therefore, for a long time I made no attempt to explore the meaning of such behavior. However, my patient was able to recognize the fact that she was trying to bring me a bouquet at the very moment when she was especially angry with me. “I think they were actually flowers for your grave,” she explained, smiling.” As in this case, the therapist may not always choose to work with exploring the meaning of the gift at the moment of receiving it. But remembering that a gift has a meaning that may be far from gratitude is important. A gift can express true gratitude: when there are results in the therapeutic life, when they are obvious to both the client and the therapist. Then it is easy to give and easy to accept. Such a gift could be a word gift, flowers, a book or something else. Such a gift is sometimes a point in a therapeutic relationship. Expressed gratitude, when it begins, continues in the lives of both, experiencing therapy over time. And then a lot happens thanks to what happened and was resolved in the therapeutic relationship. Gratitude is a gift. She lives after therapy in the client's life. Lives with greater health or more humble illness. He lives by giving blessings to others: near and dear ones. Sometimes it happens that a client, some time after meetings, begins to share what is happening to him. Maria turned to therapy due to frequent low mood, reaching the point of experiencing hopelessness and despair. Although there was good contact between us and trust on the part of the client, Maria did not immediately accept the need in therapy to address the experience of her mother’s death. In reality, there was a taboo on this event: do not talk about the loss with loved ones, try not to show your tears. And although the period of depressive mood lasted about a year, which coincided with the departure of her mother, Maria did not want to acknowledge this obvious connection. Nevertheless, after walking in circles, we returned to the main thing. And after the meeting with the experience.