Children rarely misinterpret our words. They surprisingly accurately repeat everything that we should not have said. Respect for parents and elders by children is the most important of the seven virtues. “Honor your father and mother...” (remember?). If a child does not respect and love his parents, then he is like a young tree that has no roots, or like a stream that no longer has a source. Parents gave us life. It's hard to describe the effort they put into raising us to be who we are. What do parents expect in return? They need attention, care, ideally love, but above all respect (thus, the child shows them his gratitude). Let's look at the meaning of the word “respect”: Respect is a feeling of reverence, an attitude based on recognition of the merits and high qualities of someone , anything. // Recognition of importance, significance, value; high mark. Now let’s think about how many families we see where there would be happy relationships between adult (adult!) children and their parents? That’s how people work, Whether you want it or not, But only parents love children A little more, than the children of their parents. For parents, this is always, admittedly, offensive and strange. And yet, and yet, there is no need to be surprised here, and there is no need to be offended either. Love is not a laurel under a bush. And the one who sacrifices, acts, gives, feels more keenly in life, In short: the giver, not the taker. Loving their children limitlessly, Parents love not only them, but plus what was invested in them: Tenderness, worries, their labors, Battles won against adversity, It’s impossible to even name everything! And the children, having accepted their father’s work and becoming mustachioed “children,” already take everything for granted and patronizingly call their Parents “old people” and “ancestors.” When they are kindly scolded, Reminding them of the labor community, the children say to their parents: “No need for sad tirades, comrades! Fewer complaints, more courage!” This is how people work, Whether you like it or not, But only parents love their children A little more than the children of their parents. And yet, you shouldn’t reproach children. After all, they are not old enough to chirp on branches. Once upon a time, they too will have to raise children, Feel everything, experience everything, And visit the “old people” and “ancestors”! Eduard Asadov... Why does this happen? When does the Great Era begin? dislike? Most often, parents love their young children (especially if they are obedient) and they reciprocate. Even if this is not the case, most parents will never admit their dislike for their children (even for themselves). They patiently try to satisfy their needs. But let's think about what needs are we talking about? Most often, their concern concerns the satisfaction of physiological (food, etc.) needs and the need for safety. Many people already have problems with the need for love. Love is replaced by overprotection. Excessive care does not give the child the opportunity to develop, because development, as we know, can only be at the level of overcoming. “A child is not a plant, he cannot be grown in a greenhouse, under the hood of his own influence” (A. Sorin). Thus, children are deprived of the opportunity to learn to trust themselves; they grow up with the conviction that nothing depends on them. Often such relationships become suffocating for children, and there are two ways out - rebellion and humility. It's good if the child rebels. It's worse if you get used to it. In the latter case, parents forever take responsibility for the lives of their children. But the more responsibility we take for our child, the less responsibility he has left. By doing so, we infantilize him and overload ourselves. No one knows exactly at what age one can consider that parents have “nothing to do with it at all,” and whether this will ever happen at all. Therefore, they feel a lifelong responsibility for everything that their children do. So, someone, instead of the child (FOR him) takes on the function of control over him. Why then should a child develop such a skill in himself? Lamarck, already in the 18th century, said: “Unusedfunction - atrophies or degenerates.” And the further it goes, the worse it gets... A small child is easy to control, but children grow up. And the fewer opportunities parents have to take direct part in the lives of their children, the greater their anxiety due to the feeling of being unable to “pilot” their flight (after all, they and only they are responsible for the result!), and the greater the desire to criticize and prohibit - as an attempt to return control yourself. So it turns out that in most cases, when children expect support from their parents in their development, their parents hinder them more than help them develop. The child grows into an adult who does not have an adequate understanding of his own capabilities and does not consider himself responsible for his life. What future awaits the parents of such children? “All the best for children - until they are old? Do children grow up, surpassing the income of their parents?” (G. Malkin) And then you shouldn’t be surprised that parents have such a hard life, and the rest of them don’t care about anything! Do you think that children feel gratitude towards such parents? Whatever the case. What comes easily is usually little appreciated, if noticed at all. Conclusion: You don’t need to take all the responsibility, you need to take only your own! Why should parents strive to control their child? Because they view it as an extension of themselves... You control your arm or leg, right? Therefore, for many parents this is a strange question. What about higher level needs? But no way. Can we say that parents respect their children? Is their individuality understood and valued? “What stupidity,” many parents will say with indignation. Why respect them? We respect adults for their achievements, children don’t have them...” (oh) Is there a lot of real warmth and understanding of the child’s interests in such relationships? So, parents (at best) love children as part of themselves... and that's all... There is no respect for individuality in this system in principle. What does this lead to? Elementary disrespect for the individual in childhood (and there is undoubtedly a personality) usually spreads further. Actually, this is precisely where one of the main causes of conflicts between generations lies. Children grow up, but parents continue to consider them their property, unceremoniously invading their privacy. What are these boundaries? Many parents, in principle, do not have the concept of personal space. How is their communication structured? As a rule, according to the principle “mom (dad) knows best what you need.” But as the children grow up, the mother also gains more and more life experience - which means she knows better again. Parents try to instill in their children their habits and outlook on life. They are hurt by the fact that children are not what they want them to be, so they ruthlessly eradicate any dissent and difference like a weed. Of course, with good intentions (so it seems to them). They sincerely try to protect their children from mistakes. But in what way? As a rule, by constantly looking for shortcomings and pointing out them... Thus, they turn them into losers, both in their own eyes and in the eyes of the parents themselves. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”... If a parent believes that the child is his continuation, an improved copy, then the child inevitably becomes a hostage to parental ambitions, complexes, a tool for settling scores both with other people and with the world as a whole. He “must” meet the hopes of his parents, achieve what they could not, lead a lifestyle that is correct according to their concepts, etc. In fact, we are again dealing with disrespect for the personality of another, with denying him the right to decide for himself how to live. “Give your parents a little trust, and they will use it as a crowbar to open you up and rearrange your life, depriving it of all prospects” (Douglas Copeland) And “there is no trick against a crowbar”... Parental vanity can both help a child and support him in achieving results on your own path and then bring a justified sense of pride for it, and seriously complicate life. The scenario in this case can developin several ways.1. Successful implementation of the prescribed scenario at the cost of enormous effort, which still gives parents the opportunity to be proud of the child, but goes against his true interests. In this scheme, the son/daughter suffers.2. Disappointment of parents over the unsuccessful life of their son (daughter), who either failed to implement the scenario prescribed by the parents due to lack of inclination, or did not even try to do so. With this development of the situation, both parents and, most likely, their children suffer. The realization that you have disappointed loved ones - moreover, parents (the first and, as a rule, the most significant figures in the life of any person) - can be an unbearable burden.3. Achieving success contrary to the wishes of the parents is perhaps the implementation of an anti-script. With this scheme, even if a person’s life is successful both from his and from generally accepted points of view, parental pride has no basis. After all, success was achieved not thanks to, but in spite of parents and, in fact, serves as a refutation of their own beliefs, values, and, ultimately, their entire life experience (i.e., their life in general). This scenario of events is sometimes favorable for the child himself, who realized it, but, as a rule, not for the parents. It should be remembered: any scenario (even a direct one, even an “anti-scenario”) is a rigid scheme that limits the flexibility, mobility, and adaptability of the individual. If the desire to refute the script prescribed by parents begins to determine a person’s life, it can lead him as far from his main task - self-realization - as obedient adherence to their will. The main task of parents is to create conditions in which the child can gradually learn to rely on himself, access his own resources and develop the ability to satisfy his own needs. The main distinguishing feature of a good parent is that he sees in the child a person (personality), and not “material” from which one can “fashion” everything that the parent considers necessary. Unfortunately, it does not occur to many parents that joy for the success of children recognition of their independence in achieving it and simply respect for their individuality can also be a contribution to children creating their own unique life. And as for the main tool of the educational process - criticism and pointing out mistakes, then “what goes around comes around.” Parable. One day a man came to the sage: “You are wise!” Help me! I feel bad. My daughter doesn't understand me. She doesn't hear me. She doesn't talk to me. She's cruel. Why does she need a heart? The sage said: “When you return home, paint her portrait, take it to your daughter and silently give it to her.” The next day, an angry man burst into the sage and exclaimed: “Why did you advise me to do this stupid act yesterday!?” Was bad. And it got even worse! She returned the drawing to me, full of indignation! “What did she tell you?” - asked the sage. - She said: “Why did you bring this to me? Isn’t a mirror enough for you?” The main thing that children inherited from their parents is the habit of criticizing. The children grew up to be who they are next to them. Evaluating and criticizing, knowing “how to”, “how to be a parent”. Parents in general and ours in particular. Once upon a time, their parents told them a lot about what it means to be a “good” child, now it’s their turn. Parents, after all, consider it possible to compare their children with someone else (in the vast majority of cases, not in their favor). Then why are they surprised that adult children compare their parents with someone else? With someone who achieved more, gave more to their children? "Respect? Why should I respect my parents, asks an adult child - “What stupidity.” We respect adults for their achievements, my parents don’t have them...” (familiar phrase, right?). By criticizing, you raise only critics. You criticize yourself, but in return you only want gratitude and respect? But how will children learn this if their parents only make comments to them, thereby firmly driving into their heads the idea that they are losers and everything they do is not good enough? We are drawn intoa circular process of disrespect. It is IMPOSSIBLE to raise respect in children if you yourself DO NOT RESPECT others. How are parents doing with respecting other people? For example, your own parents? “What you yourself do for your parents, expect the same from your children” (Pittacus). Respect, gratitude and recognition of achievements must also be taught, preferably by personal example. “And as you want people to do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31). Parable “One man went into a store and, to his great surprise, saw that God Himself was standing behind the counter. After hesitating, The visitor nevertheless decided to approach and asked: - What are you selling? - What does your heart desire? - said God. Without thinking twice, the buyer replied: - I want happiness, peace in my soul and freedom from fear... for myself and for everyone else. To this God said: - This is possible. But I don't sell fruits here. Only seeds." Adult children still need feedback, advice, help and approval from their parents. One can argue how much (it depends on whether the parent is still an authority for them) but it is safe to say that they need support much more than criticism, negative remarks and negative evaluations. It is very important for children (at any age) to receive confirmation from their parents of their success, achievements, and successful development of new social roles. Why don’t parents understand this? Why is there so much criticism and reproach? “1. Parents transfer their own experience to their children, creating an atmosphere of education through criticism in which they themselves were brought up.2. Parents evaluate their children's successes by comparing them with how they feel about their own achievements. And if they consider themselves failures, then it is difficult for them to recognize the successes of their children. Anyone who does not respect himself is unable to respect others. Unfortunately, one can very often observe how the self-affirmation of some is carried out through the search for shortcomings or the devaluation of others. Sometimes this happens unconsciously, intuitively and habitually, and sometimes it is even emphasized as a leading life principle: “Mistakes must be found in order to get rid of them.”3. Children often follow a path in which their parents recognize themselves (parental script). By warning and scolding children, they actually criticize themselves in the past” (N. Manukhina). The most important thing is to understand in time that children have grown up. Otherwise, children have no choice but to distance themselves from their parents or even get rid of them, like old ballast, by moving somewhere far away. What kind of respect and gratitude is there... The basis for the demands of respect for parents is the judgment that an elderly person deserves respect simply because he is older (“We have lived our lives! You will live to be my age...”). However, no matter how cruel it sounds, theoretically, an older person deserves respect: - for the fact that he took care of us and now has the right to count on reciprocal care; - over the years he has acquired invaluable life experience. We are undoubtedly grateful for the care - they cared as best they could and really have the right to expect from us response support. Expect, not demand (no matter how outraged this may be to many parents!). “Parents and teachers are first and foremost givers, and children and students are takers. True, parents also receive something from their children, and teachers from their students. But this does not restore balance, but only softens its absence. But parents themselves were once children, and teachers were students. They pay off their debt by passing on to the next generation what they received from the previous one. And their children and students have the same opportunity” (B.I. Hellinger) In fact, it is generally wrong to consider this process as repayment of a debt. After all, it is impossible to repay the debt for the life that our parents gave us. Such a debt can never be “repaid.” And the demand to return it causes a protest from the children: “I don’t owe you anything,” “By raising me, you were only fulfilling your parental duty” (and for many children: “Parental debt grows as it is repaid” (G. Malkin), “I don’t asked me to give birth.” If life and caring for us is a duty, then it can be done.return only to the person from whom you took it. This point of view stops the flow of life, giving rise to guilt, despair and anger in children, and in parents who were “thrown away” by not returning what they borrowed, a feeling of the meaninglessness of their lives. It’s another matter if we consider the relationship between parents and children as a contribution to their development. “A contribution is the provision of the results of one’s achievements to someone for use on contractual terms: at interest, in exchange for something, under certain conditions understandable to both parties. Debt is a burden, contribution is support. By investing in children, parents can hope to receive “interest” in old age: their attention, help, care. This is what parents received from their parents when they were children themselves. This is what their children will give to their children. They will give it, not give it away” (N. Manukhina). Therefore, it is important to raise children who understand that in life it is necessary not only to take, but also to give. Otherwise, accusations of insufficient investment are inevitable, or a general devaluation of the parental contribution (they didn’t give enough, they gave, but not that, etc.) Is it possible to correct such a relationship? In the overwhelming majority, it is possible (if there is a desire). How? Decide to enter into dialogue. Understand mutual expectations (after all, they are not always obvious to the other side!). Express your feelings, because where there is such hatred, there is always love. It’s just that mutual grievances do not give her the opportunity to “come out,” just as a gravestone blocks access to freedom from mutual accusations, criticism, and discontent. Those parents who sincerely rejoice in the achievements of their children always remain needed and desired by them. Their children admit that their parents taught them a lot of good and useful things. Recognition of another makes oneself free. And then the joy of communication appears. And words of acceptance and gratitude are addressed to each other (namely each other). And how this communication will take place can always be agreed upon. Like “adult” with “adult”. After all, normally, parents do not live only for the sake of their children, only their lives, they have their own interests, build relationships with many people. They don’t keep all their “savings” (deposits) in one bank... It’s more difficult to respect the life experience of your parents. Life experience is valuable if it makes a person wiser. But if at one time older people were, in essence, bearers of tradition passed on to the next, younger generations, then in our time this is not necessarily the case. As for wisdom, many of the representatives of the older generation do not have it at all. If something develops over the years, it is rather a resentment towards the whole world, combined with a never-ending desire to meddle in the lives of long-grown children. Wisdom involves expanding the picture of the world, taking into account extensive life experience. And, consequently, greater flexibility and tolerance towards others, which are based on knowledge of people, understanding that we are all different from each other, and respect for individuality. The conflict between “fathers and sons” is eternal. Any society is a system of interaction between age strata, and its development is a sequential change and continuity of generations, which is always selective: some knowledge, norms and values ​​are acquired and passed on to the next generations, others, which do not correspond to the changed conditions, are rejected or transformed. Parents and children look at the world from different points of view. Children want change, parents hold back the progress caused by children so that the transition from the old to the new goes more smoothly. “Young people think that old people are stupid, but old people know that young people are fools!” (Agatha Christie). It is important not to forget about mutual respect (namely mutual, and not to hide behind the phrase “the egg doesn’t teach the hen”), to recognize the right to dissent. So who should start moving towards (if there is a desire to improve relations)? Children or parents? The one who is wiser. If these are parents, then shouldn’t they be the first to take a step towards their children? If these are children, isn't it time for them to stop building walls and start building bridges? But, in most cases, both., 2003.