How to avoid the whims and hysterics of children? And in general, is this possible? The dream of any parent is for life together with children to proceed without scandals, hysterics, so that harmony, mutual understanding and peace reign in the family. However, parents do not always successfully cope with this task. And that's completely normal. There is no such thing as cloudless parenting. Raising a child is a path on which there may be difficulties and problems. After all, it is on this path that we get to know each other and find mutually acceptable options for behavior and relationships. And this is far from so simple. This involves serious work, and, like any other relationship, it requires investment: time, energy, effort. Each of us has more than once encountered a situation when you don’t know what to do with a child, how to make him hear you? Do you understand that you wish him only the best? But instead of the desired effect, we get rejection, conflicts, tears, hysterics and riots. What's going on? How to find an approach to your own child? What can I, as a parent, do to make our life together as harmonious and joyful as possible? Very often parents come to me who are convinced that the root of all problems in communicating with a child is the child himself. That he is so harmful, unyielding, capricious, and so on, according to the list. “Correct him!”, “What’s wrong with my child?”, “Explain to him that he can’t behave like that!”, “How to deal with him? » and other similar requests come from parents. It is very important here to pay attention to the fact that if a parent does not have a relationship with a child, then it is the parent who needs to look for an approach to the child, and not vice versa. Our children are born completely helpless, they are not able to survive without help from an adult. Every child, coming into this world, knows for sure only one truth - an adult is needed for his survival. In the period up to 3 years, a child needs “his” adult, so he is not yet independent and cannot provide satisfaction of basic needs. At the age of six months, the baby believes that the beloved object disappears forever, and for him this is tantamount to the threat of death from helplessness. And if such an adult is not nearby, then the child’s physical survival is impossible. Only by the age of three does the ability to predict the parent’s actions become stronger, and the child lets go more calmly. Do you know why young children evoke such affection in adults? Why did nature invent this mechanism? Everything is very simple - adults, touched and seeing the helplessness of a newborn, begin to take care of him and look after him. Imagine if little children weren't so cute and pretty? Then the likelihood of their survival would be much less! So, every child needs a significant adult to survive. Who will take care of him, look after him, love him. And a child’s relationship with an adult is not just a child’s need. It's a matter of life and death. He will never have a more important relationship in his life. And no matter how much later the adult who grew up from this child loved his partner in the future and his children, this cannot be compared with the feelings that a child experiences for his parent, for the one who literally holds his life in his hands. A deep emotional connection between a child and a significant adult is called “attachment.” And this is a two-way street. The adult protects and takes care of the child, and the child trusts and waits for help. Attachment will remain with us forever, even if we have a very difficult relationship with our parents or children, we will never be indifferent to them. And many problems in children’s behavior are explained precisely by the threat of breaking this attachment. It is precisely because of the threat of a breakup that children often behave differently than we would like. When a child behaves “badly,” we often think that he is spoiled, capricious, or overstimulated. It is important to understand here that the child vitally needs a connection with you, and as soon as he sees the threat of interrupting this connection, he begins to behave“bad”, demanding confirmation that there is a connection, that you are still “his” adult. The fact is that attachment does not obey logic, reason, it is based on very strong feelings, both of the child and the adult. And it often manifests itself in a paradoxical way. For example, a common picture. You are waiting for guests, setting the table with your baby, and he rejoices with you. But as soon as guests cross the threshold of your house, the child begins to behave as if he had been replaced. What's happening? It is in the fact that your attention is drawn to the guests, and not to him, that he sees the threat of breaking the connection. And he begins to attract your attention to himself in every possible way, distracting you from the guests. This is attachment behavior. After some time, realizing that the child is not able to understand what you want from him and continues to behave in an unacceptable way, you lose patience and force him to go to his room. That's it, the connection is lost for the child. And for him it is a matter of survival. Therefore, he is hysterical for some time, protesting against such a loss, trying to restore the connection. And it’s good if you restore this connection, go to him, hug him, showing that the connection has been restored. But many parents are so angry at the child for this behavior that they boycott the child, plunging him deeper and deeper into the horror of breaking the connection. I am sure that many of you have not considered the reason for the child’s bad behavior from the point of view of breaking the connection. If you now look at this problem from a different angle, then cases of “bad” child behavior will appear before you in a completely different light. And, I hope, they will evoke less violent emotions, which many parents are often unable to control, perceiving this behavior as a test of their patience and nerves. When we understand why a child behaves this way, it is much easier for us to cope with our emotions (after all, we are alive too!) and make the right decision in each situation. Here it is necessary to make some digression. Our brain, to put it very simply, consists of two parts: internal and external. The external brain, or as it is also called the “Cortex,” is the brain where knowledge, skills, the ability to make inferences, values ​​are stored, that is, everything that distinguishes us from animals and makes us intelligent. But the inner brain (called the limbic system) is called the emotional brain. This brain is responsible for feelings, for relationships, instincts and basic needs also live there. It also regulates immunity, blood pressure, hormones and is responsible for connecting the mind with the body. The relationship between these parts of the brain is complex, they are, of course, interconnected. They “hear” each other and work in harmony. But there is one important nuance: they cannot work simultaneously. If the cortex is working, then the emotional brain is, as it were, “turned off” and waiting for its turn. If we are overwhelmed by emotions, then, as you have probably noticed, we think very conditionally. And vice versa, if we are busy with mental activity, then emotions seem to fade into the background. Remember in the physics course there are communicating vessels? Imagine that in one vessel there are emotions, in the other there is intellect. If there is more liquid in one of the vessels, then there is less of it in the other. Why was it important to say this? Yes, because attachment lives in the inner brain. And affection comes from feelings, not from facts. And when a child feels the threat of interrupting communication with “his” adult, then his internal brain is working, and therefore the external brain, the thinking one, is turned off! Therefore, children (and adults, by the way, too) do not hear the arguments of reason and logic when they experience strong emotions. This is why it is easier for adults to cope with their emotions in relation to children when they understand the reasons for the child’s behavior. And trying to explain something to children when they are overwhelmed by emotions is useless. To begin with, they (the children) need to be reassured. But in life, the exact opposite happens! The child experiences strong emotions, the adult begins to get angry, tries to explain something, and,!