From the author: How to communicate with your ex-husband if you still have feelings and have a child together? How to communicate with your ex-husband if you still have feelings and have a child together? Oh, what a difficult question this is. You can say this: fate has sent you a difficult test. Not only do you need to experience the pain of betrayal, the feeling of being useless, go through the feeling of abandonment, but you also have to stifle your pride (torment: “They chose someone else instead of me,” “She is better”), and this is almost unbearable for the fragile “I” . It is necessary to recognize the fact that you are no longer loved and all the delights of love go to someone else. You will not be able to completely change your attitude towards your ex-husband until you go through all the stages of a painful separation. Grieving over a breakup All these bitter feelings can be experienced, you can cry, you can grieve, but... alone. And the best thing now is not to know or hear anything about him, about his ex. And here you have to communicate, because you have a child together and you, like a normal mother, do not want to act to the detriment of the baby and deprive him of his father. I can write a lot of tips on how to behave with your ex, how not to lose your dignity at his, and most importantly - in your own eyes. But will this help you when your heart hurts, resentment eats from the inside, and your own unsettled life adds fuel to the fire of pain? You will not be able to completely change your attitude towards your ex-husband and, accordingly, your behavior, until you go through all the stages of the painful breakups. I foresee your reaction: “How long can you go through a breakup? I’ve already experienced my pain.” So, if you had experienced it, then the question of how to behave would not arise. It wouldn’t throw you from one extreme to the other. What happened to you and your family is a real tragedy, and there is no need to downplay and devalue the power of your experiences. But you didn’t truly let your husband go to another woman, you didn’t accept his betrayal, you tried, but in reality you didn’t forgive him. The path to true forgiveness is not easy. And with the help of beliefs and reasonable explanations alone it is impossible to reach it. Only after living through all the pain and finding the internal correspondences of the situation in yourself, accepting everything and forgiving everyone, can you forgive your husband. Without breaking up with him, you do not allow other men to enter your life. Every time you fight your feelings, you waste your energy, and then you have no strength left for anything else. You need to see and realize the harm you are doing to yourself and your life, admit your helplessness and powerlessness in trying to change anything and gain control over yourself. Only after this can you begin your journey. What is happening now? You do not give up the idea that you can influence yourself and the situation. You are asking for an algorithm of actions that will help you build tactics for your behavior. But I’m sure you know perfectly well how you need to behave, hence all your attempts to accept and forgive, to pretend that nothing happened... fatigue and anger - because there is pain inside you. You are fighting with yourself. And this is the road to nowhere. Rules of conduct with your ex-husband It is difficult for me to briefly say what to do. There are exercises and meditations that trigger grief. But you will have to experience painful feelings yourself. My 6-month program is designed to provide support in such a situation. Working in a group helps you fully experience your pain, and the feeling of similarity with the destinies of other women will strengthen you. It will make you realize that you are not alone in this situation. Sign up for the group, and together with you we will begin a difficult path of experiences, along which you will discover a lot of interesting, useful, although at times, perhaps unpleasant. So, how to behave correctly with your ex-husband?1. Try to talk to him only about the child. Don't ask him about business, life, and don't tell him about yourself. Even if he is interested. Try to delicately avoid answering. By getting involved in communication, you give it your energy, and thereby bindyourself to him, and you don’t need this at all. Save your strength for yourself. Don't feed your ex with your energy.2. Try to distance yourself emotionally when communicating with him. Step back. Don't get involved in conversations. Be polite, but no more. If it is possible to reduce your communication with him to a minimum, do so. Although, apparently, it is still important for you to see him, you want to look into his eyes, to understand whether he is happy. And all these questions arise... Are you significant to him? Did he love you? Are you bored? Does he regret the past? Does he want to return?3. Do not ask the child about the father, about conversations between them, do not try to find out information about the ex-husband.4. Do not prevent your ex-partner from seeing the child, but the transfer of the child must be carried out in the way you want. Don't try to be a comfortable and good ex-wife who understands everything.5. Don't let him know that you love him and are waiting for him. Don't show or prove to him that you have no one. But don’t do the opposite by demonstrating the presence of another man in your life. Be impenetrable to him. Let him know nothing about you.6. This is the most difficult and difficult moment. Try not to forbid him to invite the child to a new family. I know that it is very difficult and difficult to allow a child to spend time not only with his father, but also with his woman. This is not an easy test. But if you can let your husband go, then this point will become feasible for you. The fact is that the new chosen one may turn out to be a jealous lady, she may begin to put forward her conditions to the man. She is unlikely to like the fact that she does not take part in her partner’s life. And then this may affect the frequency of meetings between the father and the child. Therefore, if this happens in your life, allow your child to become richer - to find another family and gain experience of a different model of relationships. Maybe soon you will create a new union, and the child, communicating with members of both families, will grow up in a healthier environment. Although I understand that these are just the right words. And having lost your husband, it is almost unbearable to share your child with him, especially if he is the only one. But still, probably not immediately, but admit this thought.7. Try not to discuss your ex-husband in the presence of your child - he will not understand your pain, but will only get confused in the situation. After all, he loves both you and his father, and you are both dear to him. There is no need to create a triangle “persecutor - victim - rescuer”, where you play the role of the victim. And don't make your child your savior. Subsequently, all this will backfire on him. If you have a daughter, then you will form in her a not entirely correct image of a man, and it will be difficult for her to trust a man and love her chosen one. If you have a son, then his identification with men may suffer, which will then affect his ability to earn money and be successful. And you yourself... The more often you think and talk about your husband, the more involved you become in this relationship. And for you they are already in the past, which you need to let go of! Don't create an emotional funnel from which it will be very difficult for you to get out. One year of waiting If you still love your husband, then most likely you want him back, and the hope of a reunion does not let go. What to do in this situation? Should I try to get my ex-partner back or not? Should I take any action to do this? There are no recipes that are equally suitable for everyone. But here you are in danger of immersing yourself in your expectations and hoping in vain for the return of your husband and thus losing several years, or even many years of your life. Of course, if you have decided for yourself that you no longer want to have anything to do with men and the memories of your ex are more than enough for you, then this approach is quite acceptable. But if you still don’t want to spend your whole life in unjustified expectations and hopes, then set a period for yourself, for example, one year. Tell yourself, if after a year your husband does not return, then you will cut him out of your life and learn to live without him. One year is enough to choose your