Life of children in their parents' house after 30 years and codependent relationships even in different living areas. Why is it impossible to separate from parents emotionally, how do such controlling relationships develop, due to what beliefs does this continue for decades, and why is this extremely dangerous and sad for the whole family? I am increasingly faced with situations where adults over 30 are worried about such codependent relationships with parents , especially mothers. Mothers live next to their son’s family, controlling all the order in his house, keeping him and his wife as children. Wives don’t like this, but they are shamed and tolerated, complain and don’t know how to establish their independent adult life, separate from their mothers, how to build their psychological boundaries and help their husband with this. I will talk about the mother-son relationship, but this is relevant and for mother-daughter (well, I am a participant in both schemes, so I know what I’m talking about not only in theory). I am convinced that by remaining living in your parents’ house, you will remain in the position of a child who is dictated by the rules of “adults” (how much to earn, how much to invest in housing, what time to return to the house, how noisy and with whom to spend time, with whom and how to build personal relationships worthy of joint leisure and living). And also, you become the position of a guardian of your parents, who also get used to using the resources of their adult and physically and financially more successful child, turning off their ability to independently pay for their housing, food, household items, etc. But this is not always the case (but only in 99% of cases) and it’s not so much about money, but about crippling the psyche on both sides. I was lucky (I built a system of independent relationships with my mother and husband, cultivated the worldview that no one does not owe anything until he himself takes on a certain responsibility). I got married early (at 21) and with this (and also with my optimistic support) I pushed myself and my mother into adulthood, i.e. go to Saratov to get married, leaving me alone in Moscow (with my new husband). Why in adulthood? Recognized expert psychologist Eric Berne gave the world a clear (not immediately, due to the heaviness and volume of books) diagram by which one can see the “games” played by adults (only by age, but not mentally) people. Example. Mom, dissatisfied with her drinking husband, decides to blame him for being careless and turns all her attention to the light in the window - her son, who is already over 30, but has not yet built a serious relationship (I wonder why?). So, she calls him several times a day, giving unsolicited advice (or even arranges restaurant meals for him) about how he eats, dresses, works, has fun, with whom he spends time, when, where, etc. She cannot sleep, waits for him in the evenings (ignoring when it is useful for her to fall asleep and when her legal husband will come to the house), worries about her son to the point of complete control and guardianship (how to sleep, who will warm up his dinner, who will analyze his current health and mood?). So, the mother becomes a personal cook, a housekeeper, a doctor and a psychologist for her son, and most importantly, she completely switches from solving her own and interpersonal problems with her husband to her son, and voila - it’s as if there are no problems of her own, as if there is no time to solve them! And what roles do the 55-year-old mother and 30-year-old son play then? Of course - parent and child. Only the puberty period should have passed by the age of 16-20, but here - it’s not even close, it’s convenient for everyone - the son has no problems with mortgages, renting apartments (as well as career advancement, try for something, and so the house is full bowl), there are no problems with cleaning, cooking, you don’t have to worry about cleaning companies, laundries and self-catering. Mom has a meaning in life - to take care of her son, whom predatory ladies will not feed with the same care as she does. Do you think the career, psyche, independence, self-responsibility, and relationships with sexual partners of such a mother and son will be destroyed? And these are just the firsttheir roles, but they also play second roles! Due to the fact that my mother completely neglected her personal life and responsibility for it, she also needs guardianship - physical and mental protection from her alcoholic husband and financial stability, which she cannot have🤷 (she, an adult) without a working son . Now there will be attacks from fanatics of repaying the debt to parents. Yes, I am for the fact that the birth of a child is the full responsibility of the parents, it is their choice, adults, whom the appearance of a child PLEASURES and presupposes the understanding that they FREE of charge (that is, for nothing) undertake to raise, take care of, educate him (until the psyche reaches full independence, and not forever!). Children are not a long-term deposit! Children should not be a cynical calculation - well, now there will be someone to bring a glass of water in old age (implying in fact full custody on the part of their children). Children owe their parents NOTHING! They did not ask them to give birth, they did not borrow from them, therefore they are not obliged to give anything back! But what about morality? Maybe they shouldn’t (by law they should, by the way, if the parents did everything themselves, and in old age they became disabled, etc., but again, there are taxes and social services, and there are also private ones), but they are obliged, they must want to help and care, remembering the invaluable work of parenthood, which might not have been so selfless. Yes, guys, it’s cool when Elon Musk buys his mother an island and a plane so that she can fly there in comfort whenever she wants. But did his mother disable him for this and does he do the same to her when he grows up? What am I talking about? Mothers who selflessly raise ideal men for themselves (if you want an ideal man, give birth and raise one for yourself!), sacrificing their careers, healthy relationships with their husbands, counting on their son to repay the debt - they also place on their sons a huge responsibility for her, mother ( should she be?) and guilt for the fact that mom made such a sacrifice for them! Mom gave all of herself to her son, organizing him first-class food, perfect order in their home and starching shirts until they were bloody blisters! Mom has become old, her legs are worn out, carrying her son’s backpack, where should she now build a career and provide for herself, where should she now build her personal life? I’m no longer young for this, I don’t have the strength (courage and responsibility for myself). And where does mom get time for this? Despite the fact that the son is an adult, how much time does it take to control? How did he sleep, how did he eat, how did he dress, how did he work (well, you went through that)? When should a mother save up for her own car, so that without distracting her son from building his own family, she can independently realize her holy mission (whim) of planting a vegetable garden with food that is vital for the whole family (her alone)? So let's think about the roles of mother and son when she cannot pay for housing without him, cannot sleep on time (she worries), cannot be healthy (who will protect her from a violent husband, rising prices for buckwheat and medicines, pressure from not knowing where and with whom her son is), cannot feed herself (for years she gives to the vegetable garden, which she cannot raise on her own, but wants to), or else who will clear the snow for her and solve other problems in the house (because mom doesn’t like the apartment, despite because she can’t afford a house on her own), and isn’t she the one who will go to the doctors and take her second vital love to the veterinarian - a cat or a dog (another substitute for love for herself and her husband)? Of course, the mother here is a child, and the son is her parent, guardian, the one on whom mother’s life, health and happiness depends, who is obliged to repay her his debt (birth, feeding, driving to school and basic educational techniques, which is simply a manifestation instincts - animals also feed, protect and train their cubs, only I don’t demand a debt from them later for this, but what can I take from an immoral animal). So here are two relatives who disable each other - one who is not independent in solving her personal whims, a mentally and financially dependent mother (parent/child of her son) and one who is not independent in everyday life, with an unresolvedhousing issue and an eternally unpaid debt to his mother (the son/parent of his mother). Only now E. Bern has one more role indicated - in addition to the controlling and caring parent and the child in need of help and care, there is the role of an ADULT. The same system happens if the mother is single. She can play the role of a victim, because there is no husband, and it’s difficult to be a lonely elderly person, without the care of children (only who prevents spouses from getting married at any age and taking care of each other, and not ruining the opportunity of their children to create their own healthy families, invest energy in the role of dad for your children, and not for your infantile mother, who does not want to leave the role of a child, needs care and does not refuse to control her adult son and bind him with a sense of duty, guilt, shame and lack of independence in everyday life). Sharing responsibilities in a family is a great thing. When, for example, dad concentrates on society and earns the main income of the family, mom concentrates on everyday life and raising children, and children learn all this from their example, and also learn respect for the affairs of each family member, learn the love of a husband for his wife, delegation of affairs which you can’t do so effectively (this skill will come in handy later, so that you don’t have to sit at your mother’s feet instead of a nurse, but buy her a plane for independent travel and join this celebration of life, intersect your vacation schedules on the islands, not out of a sense of duty or guilt, but out of respect, love for my mother, admiration for her and the desire to enjoy life with her, and not whine together about the burden of fate, blaming my husband and father and the high cost of buckwheat in an unshared apartment). The choice is up to everyone - whether to change their thinking, whether to get out of the roles of victim, tyrant and rescuer of something that does not need saving (the worthless relationship of the parents or what the mother cannot build on her own, like a house or a garden, or what distracts her from independent self-care - career, independent leisure and building healthy relationships). The choice is up to everyone - whether to remain a mother's boy all his life and whether to be in debt to his parents, sacrificing his own wife and his own children, career, self-realization, independence, responsibility for himself, and what else, success and complete happiness in life, or choose a role an adult, learn from the mistakes of others or at least your own, take the helm of your life into your own hands, and give your mother the opportunity to learn to steer through life on her own, listening to her needs and realizing them in an adult way, without excuses and manipulation of children. Than always, until will they come out of these ossified patterns by moving away or separating as physically and mentally as possible, having built and strengthened over the years the boundaries of acceptable interference in the personal life of an adult child and his new family, will the fate of such unhealthy mother-son (daughter) relationships end? The fact that both, or at least one, will remain unfulfilled in their careers and personal relationships. The son will not become a father and husband in the full sense of the word (dramatic scenarios do not count), the mother will not be able to be happy in her relationship with her husband because of the coalition of resistance with her son. The collapse of the sword, hopes, independence and adulthood. A recipe for getting out of unhealthy, confused parent-child relationships? Sharing of responsibility! Taking responsibility for your life and no longer being responsible for a capable adult who is not your child over 18 years of age. From the role of a rescuer (useless and harmful to anyone), you need to move into the role of an adult who understands cause-and-effect relationships, analyzes why he has no growth in his career, problems in personal relationships, what is essentially achieved by a mother who controls, cares for and protects her A 30-year-old child from independent life, decisions, even his own mistakes, which must be made in order to include responsibility for his life. The role of a tyrant who blames his father, husband, Putin for his problems and the problems of his mother needs to be replaced with the role of a Teacher. The one who sees more broadly, understands the harm of indulging in weaknesses and teaches the adult dependent on him to take upon himself)