Conflict... How much is in this word... Hmmm. A good, succinct word-term. Each of us has our own associations with it, and at the same time they are united by a certain common “trouble”. This is understandable: even Wikipedia says that conflict is usually accompanied by negative emotions. And this is the very reason why it would be better to avoid conflicts in the family: after all, communication with loved ones is not an area where it is appropriate to sow and reap negative emotions. So, as a rule, when people talk about conflict, they mean some kind of external clash, more or less violent. But any external conflict begins with an internal one, namely: conflict occurs when one or another human need is not satisfied. That is, there is a need, but there is no satisfaction (here, either - of course, conditionally - an objective or a subjective reason is involved: again, we are talking about beliefs that prevent the need from being satisfied or recognizing it as satisfied). But in this article we will look at those family conflicts... which are not conflicts at all. Because it happens that people quarrel even without regard to satisfied and unsatisfied needs, some beliefs, the collision of which can also lead to conflict, etc. It seems like we could live peacefully... but somehow we can’t live. And the first thing that needs to be said is that conflict can be a lever of pressure. Yes, it happens that people begin to manipulate quarrels. Like, if you don’t do what I want now, we’ll quarrel, I’ll harass you for a long, long time later, and in the end everything will still be my way, only at an even higher price. This “logic” makes your hair stand on end – and, by the way, it exists. We will devote a separate discussion to manipulation, so we will not dwell on this point in detail for now. Let’s just say that such manipulation, like any other, is not only unpleasant for the family system, but also destructive in its effect. Therefore, awareness of such a strategy is a good start in working on yourself (and – hint – your beliefs). Secondly (looking ahead: the second and third points are very close), a quarrel, especially a stormy one, one when emotions and, accordingly, hormones are boiling, passions are raging - this is for someone a way to get out of a negative state, to associate (get together) . That is, suppose a person has some negative beliefs. He sees (in his mind's eye, naturally) the same pictures, each darker than the other. Well, let’s say he’s overcome by some kind of fear, or envy, or something else. And so he, frightened even more by his own “pictures in his head,” dissociates—as if he were sorting it out in order to distance himself from the unpleasant images. But at the same time, a person in a negative psychological state “instinctively,” unconsciously, strives to get out of it. And the surest way to associate, to pull oneself out of the whirlpool of unpleasant thoughts is to put one’s health and life at risk. (That is, to scare yourself even more, completely, to the extreme, in order to quickly mobilize in such circumstances and continue to live calmly). Or create a situation where the body’s hormonal systems begin to work in such an enhanced mode. When does a hormonal surge occur? Like during a heated quarrel, for example... Five minutes of loud screaming (and maybe more) - and everything seems to be fine. Cheered up, as they say! And very closely related to this strategy is another - the use of a quarrel as a tool for - neither more nor less - generating energy. Well, just imagine: central Russia, a long autumn-winter period, a gray morning, a husband and wife wake up. They need to go to work. I don’t want to go. There is not enough vitality. And it is necessary, it is necessary, it is necessary... And so they meet in the kitchen. Someone spilled coffee on the table, someone didn’t hear that they needed to pass salt or sugar - done! A scandal out of the blue. They grappled and... charged. And now the dream has vanished as if by hand, a lively sparkle appeared in the eyes, thoughts of “what would he/sheIs there more to say? flows into “what, exactly, is on the agenda?” She (to spite her husband) diligently selects clothes and does her makeup, he (to spite his wife) also dresses neatly, and yes, this cologne, dear, will be just right. And now these two are fully armed and quite ready for the start of the working day. But they wouldn’t have looked then at the table - the morning would have been a waste, and the first half of the day too... But - there is some kind of “but”, isn’t there? Such scandals also happen in the evening, and sometimes on “weekends.” The reason - naturally, not one of those reasons that come to the surface and “cover up” the conflict, seemingly being the reason for it - is one. The psyche requires emotions. For her, it is a source of energy, the same as food is for the body. But many of us grew up in families where normal living and reacting to emotions was under a public or unspoken ban: don’t make noise, don’t run, why are you screaming so much, it’s a shame to cry at your age, well-mannered children don’t behave like that, shut up now, but then you’ll get hit in the mouth... And many, many more similar things. The result is obvious: the child is weaned from hearing himself and expressing what he feels. In some cases, as they say, “neglected”, emotions are completely frozen - you have probably at least once met people for whom it is very difficult to say what exactly they feel and whether they feel at all, such restrained, “cold” people. And temperament has nothing to do with it - the history of suppression has nothing to do with it. And then it turns out that a middle-aged couple comes to a psychologist: what should we do, we quarrel all the time, although we love each other very much. But I no longer have the strength to live in such an environment! Let’s figure it out. – Why are you quarreling? - Because of everything. - And more often? “They used to make trouble because I drank,” says the man. - Well, I drank on weekends and on holidays. But I haven’t touched alcohol for two and a half years now, and we still quarrel. – And now for what reasons more often? - Interesting! - But in different ways. Sometimes I have no money, sometimes I come home late from work, or sometimes it’s some kind of nonsense that you won’t even remember. – Who is the initiator? - Both. “Equally,” the woman sighs. Let's analyze the situation further. And it turns out: the spouses are both very reserved people. Good self-control. Among friends and colleagues they are considered calm. They live a measured, quiet life. They easily deny themselves pleasures. We wanted to go to the seaside, but it didn’t work out - oh well... Sex is rare or very rare. But the scandals are as scheduled, every Sunday. Yes, what kind! This is just a folk festival, not a scandal! Dishes break, children scream, chairs fly, everyday life is painted in new, bold colors (this jar of raspberry jam landed on a wall covered with light wallpaper, honestly!) How much attention to each other! And the expressions! And the neighbors are also with them (sometimes they shout that they will call the police, and sometimes, apparently, they simply hide deeper under the blankets, wishing that all this would not spill out beyond the confines of apartment number eighteen). In general, everything is in order. No more “gray everyday life”! The energy charge lasts for another two to three days. That is, until about Wednesday. And until next weekend, they are trying their best to restrain themselves from starting to find fault with each other. Why? It's obvious they love each other! Remember the joke? The husband returns from work, his wife clings to him, serves dinner, he kisses and hugs her, so everything is fine with them... - Well, let's have some cognac before it starts? - the husband suggests. - Lets do it! - the wife agrees. They drank 50 grams, sat, smiled at each other, held hands. – Maybe another 50? - asks the husband. - Yeah! And then suddenly it starts... We drank. I feel good, the conversation is flowing... - Well, before it starts, another 50 each? – Do you take me for an alcoholic?! – Well, the beginning is the axis!.. These are the “strange dances”, ladies and gentlemen. Here you have movement and emotions, passions are raging, blood is boiling... But that’s why they are strange, because something is not right here. After all, you understand, “scandalism” is the same as alcoholism, only the situation of a quarrel acts as a “substance”. What happens when an alcoholic holds back with all his might so as not to