From the author: about gratitude How to be guaranteed to make another dependent on yourself? Accurately figure out what the lack is and, without waiting for the other to ask, give it. If you guessed right - you found and filled exactly what you were thirsty for, then addiction is almost guaranteed. Because it looks like a miracle, like a dream come true and like the fact that it seems that the ideal partner has been found, who is ready to be there and has everything necessary for happiness. The feelings of the giver are no less strong. He found a solution to a seemingly hopeless situation. He was able to form a couple with a man who, by all indications, did not give even a hint of the ability to enter into a serious relationship. I'm talking about alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, workaholics, those who have not had long experience of living with one partner - chronic cheaters or sexaholics... and other addicted individuals. The stronger the thirst for miracles, the further we move away from reality. The stronger the feelings when this miracle happens and the more we are hurt when they begin to demand something from us in return. One shouts: “Oh, you are ungrateful! I did everything for you!” And the other has his own trump card - “I didn’t ask”! After all, if I live, and I know about myself that in my picture of the world all people are divided into good and bad. The good ones are those who understand me, the bad ones are those who don’t understand or don’t even try to understand anymore. I intuitively choose the first ones, with them I can be myself and with them there is hope of getting what I lack. But I don’t care about their feelings at all, I care about mine - I’m comfortable and that’s all. I receive the support, sympathy, acceptance and care that these people share with me. For me now it is obvious that such pairs are formed according to the principle of complementarity - one needs but does not ask, the other has and gives. One feels needed and loved by receiving, and the other by giving. But the basis is not a conscious choice, but rather the ability learned in childhood not to filter what parents say and do. If I don't do what I'm told, I'll lose love. And in the second case, if I don’t guess what I should do now, then mom and dad will feel bad, which means I’m bad and they won’t love me. I have to take everything they give me and do everything to make my parents feel good. This requires a huge amount of resources - not to feel what you feel and not even try to ask those closest to you for help. People who took everything - both bad and good for granted - are at risk of developing dependent behavior - from another who will also decide for them what to eat, where to work, where to go on vacation, etc., if there is no such other can be found due to the incessant control of parents who, no matter what you do, if you no longer need them, do not accept your independence and the right to choose your own path, there is a very high risk of developing dependence on substances, work, sex and other objects, who maintain the illusion of a relationship with their parents, and for those who have found a replacement for parents, then with their substitutes. Substitutes are precisely those who know all possible approaches to people, those who are completely unaware of their needs, since the main task of survival was to find the code in an ever-increasingly complex game - “I feel bad! You have to do something to make me feel good.” These people do not feel complete alone, their existence depends on the well-being of another - their mission is to help another, solve his problem, live for him, they know exactly how others should live. If we consider this relationship in slow motion, we will get unformed needs in each of the couple - one has not yet realized what he needs, and the second gave everything he had so that something would definitely work. The first one is temporarily busy digesting what happened, the second one analyzes the effectiveness of the tools of influence on the partner. Whatever God forbid, one of them realizes that they are not living their own lives and that they will never.