Reader Question From: My wife and I have been married for seven years and have separated many times. Just recently we got back together, after a 3-month separation. We both make a promise every time that there will be no betrayal, because... there was infidelity on both sides. We have two children. This time, after another reunion, my wife is trying to “dig up” my past meetings with other women. Although she also had relationships and was actually the first one to have an affair. Now every day she comes home and “throws reproaches in my face” because... I found out some information. I'm constantly defending myself. Unlike her, I no longer remember her past, and for a long time now. I want this madness to end, I even bought us a new apartment to show that I am in the family with all my heart, that I am open to our new life and I don’t need anyone. Psychologist’s answer Although I welcome your desire and efforts to restore your marriage and family, it sounds like there is a lot of work to be done before your relationship is healthy. The stressors that come with your relationship, having two children, and a history of infidelity on both sides would be enough to jeopardize any relationship. It is also worth noting that distrust is a common and natural feeling for spouses after their partner’s adultery. It seems like your wife's behavior is sabotaging the agreements and commitments you both made to repair your marriage and relationship. You did not mention whether you and your wife have had any consultations with a specialist together to help resolve the issues. This is the obvious first step you need to take to give yourself a chance to rekindle or create a healthy partnership that will benefit you and your children. A qualified marriage and family therapist will work with both of you to identify maladaptive patterns in your relationship and help you find new ways of communicating and perceiving each other.D. Gottman, a recognized expert in the field of family therapy, has written a work based on research that has been defined as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and detachment. Criticism Criticism will be present even in the best of marriages. However, Gottman's work distinguishes between "regular" types of complaints ("You didn't close the toothpaste again. This is so annoying!"), which depend on the specific situation, and harsher criticism ("You are such an idiot, you forgot to close the toothpaste again . I have to clean up after you as if you were a child. You treat me like your maid!”), which is more general and personal. In each case the cause of the complaint is the same, but in more dysfunctional marriages there is a tendency to attack the person rather than focus on the cause itself. Contempt This is known as the most destructive of the four horsemen and the biggest predictor of divorce. Contempt can be anything from hostile remarks to eye-rolling, sarcasm, ridicule, or any other means of communication that expresses disgust towards your partner. This behavior is humiliating for the other spouse and makes it extremely difficult to resolve the conflict. It is also difficult to concentrate on solving a problem if you feel humiliated. This behavior may be the result of long-standing unresolved grievances and negative relationships that have not been resolved; if you don't work on it, the marriage is unlikely to be saved. Defense This is a natural reaction to criticism or contempt from a partner: when we are attacked, we naturally defend ourselves or become defensive! However, this can have negative consequences in relationships. Defensive behavior takes us away from apology and reconciliation and toward confusion and prolongation of the conflict. This drives partners further apart from each other by continuing to blame, criticize, and put each other down rather than facilitating more informed efforts by each person to understand the other's feelings. Stonewall (detachment) Last of, +7 9131506255