Continuation (part 3) Heroine's story. Terrible fear Of course, my future husband did not even listen to anything about the cancellation of the wedding, and in general, he probably decided that after the hospital everything was not right in my head. So little by little my plans for a further single life began to crumble, and at the same time, the decision that “never again” began to show cracks. But this only made me feel worse - fear crawled into every new crack, approaching me from all sides. Behind my decision not to make any more painful attempts, I felt normal. “Normal” - of course, this is not happy and joyful. How can a woman who wants children and has not achieved motherhood feel happy?! But, it is stable and humble, which is also not bad, considering the painfulness of the situation. And when it became clear that soon I would begin to live with a new family anyway, it became obvious that I would have to tempt fate again, and then fear arose. This fear was about everything! Will there be enough money for doctors and drugs? To undergo some kind of research and unpleasant procedures again? The horror of hospital walls and the worst thing - life after a possible new failure. I began to reflect on my past attempts, my tests, clinics, treatments and decided to change doctors. In the last hospital, I met a wonderful specialist in infertility and miscarriage, and came to see her. Having assessed the situation, she considered it serious and said that we would prepare thoroughly, because every unsuccessful attempt to give birth could negatively affect further reproductive function . I was prescribed new tests because I wanted to exclude all possible causes of miscarriage. In my opinion, at that time, some genetic mutations and possible incompatibility with a partner remained unexplored. In the end, the results were good. The doctor prescribed me medical and psychological preparation for pregnancy for three months. Once a week I went to a psychologist, which I really liked, and every day I drank all these halves and quarters of tablets, different dosages at different times of the day, did some kind of gel rubbing, which I didn’t like at all, and made me sad, because it seemed impossible to remember and do it all. But it only seemed so. Again, a schedule for taking medications was drawn up by the hour, and I was carrying around a whole “pharmacy kiosk” in my bag, but I managed, because the desire not to make a mistake again was, of course, very great. Yes, my head went back to work, after realizing the inevitability of a new attempt to give birth child, calculating all the moves and exits, figuring out how to do everything possible and impossible again for the sake of success. But, no matter what, in the face of this corrosive terrible fear, my head was powerless. The story of the heroine. I am a married lady! I had a wonderful wedding. And despite the difficult time for me, I think that internally I was completely satisfied with this event. Probably, many people wanted or want to feel like a princess in a chic white dress at a ball with a large number of guests. This is exactly how it was for me. Although I am absolutely not a romantic person, I really liked the beautiful and rich wedding with a large number of invited guests. I have never been frivolous, but as I realized a little later, this event made me a little more mature, more serious and more responsible. I guess I turned into a free woman. I finally “earned” my freedom and my woman, since I was no longer part of my parental family! Many attitudes and prohibitions ceased to exist for me; I could rightfully tell my parents that “I’m already big” (this is at 33 years old!). Internally, I felt that it was right and easy, easy from freedom, even despite everything that was against me at that moment. The story of the heroine. Something is wrong. For about six months I was forbidden to live openly. And there wasn’t much of a life, since at first afterI came to my senses in the hospital, then I spent so much energy on pills and rubbing that I couldn’t get much joy from sex. In general, sex has become completely different from what it was before. Apparently, the main association with sex is children, and therefore there was more tension than joy. Now, giving pleasure to yourself and your partner has lost some naturalness or something. But for three months now we have been allowed to try to get pregnant by our doctor, but we have not been able to achieve this. Of course, three months is not an indicator at all, but treacherous fear sent new doubts and questions into my head: “Or maybe I won’t be able to get pregnant at all? Am I really ready? Was everything provided for? I can? Still, something is wrong with me!” etc.. But, nevertheless, preparations for pregnancy were in full swing: I took all the medications regularly and automatically, and visits to a psychologist became very dear to me, who had not previously believed in such help, as they opened my eyes to many things and helped to cope with fears and worries. True, I was not able to get rid of one fear, but it was not in my category of those fears that have no real basis. Approximately every 25 days of the cycle, I stocked up on pregnancy tests and began to examine the test strip in detail: “One or two? It seems there is a weak second? Or am I imagining things? I'll have to look at it in different lighting! No, there's nothing. I'll throw it in the bucket. What if it appeared in the bucket, you need to take it out and look again.” Having run the test through all available types of lighting without finding the second strip, I came to the conclusion that I had to wait a little longer. What if the test was somehow stored incorrectly in the warehouse, and its reaction will be late? Yes, all this did not look entirely healthy, but the fear of not starting new therapy on time was stronger than such thoughts. It turned out that the last pregnancy could have been saved (probably) by intensifying the therapy in time, since the doses prescribed to me were insufficient (as I understood). That is why now I wanted to find out about pregnancy as early as possible in order to get tested and approach the bad mark for myself at 6-7 weeks at all times. After another three months, I became pregnant. The story of the heroine. On tiptoe I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. What I feel? Nothing. I wonder if I can still feel something? I can for sure, I just “lay low” for a while and don’t allow myself internal dances and fireworks, so that I can very quietly, on tiptoe, carefully go through the first weeks of pregnancy, “without scaring her away.” Just in case, I decided to “not feel anything” until about 16-18 weeks, if possible, since this period seems to me to be not so dangerous. So, mentally I hid, but for now... In the meantime, I passed all the tests, received a new therapy regimen and took sick leave. Thus, by 6-7 weeks I was full of tablets, pills and vitamins. It’s good that I no longer had to rub in this gel, since there were no “new” places left on my poor body. I “floated” around the house, cooked food for my own pleasure, and took a taxi to see a psychologist and gynecologist. Some tests that did not require my presence were taken and collected by my husband. He forbade me to do almost all the housework, which he managed to do himself in the evenings and on weekends, for which, of course, I thank him very much. The fact is that in clinics and hospitals I constantly met “friends in misfortune” and knew how Infertility in other families is difficult to tolerate. Often women alone fought for the happiness of becoming a mother. I was told so many things that this behavior of my husband seemed simply ideal, and I was finally able to relax at least a little, transferring part of the burden of responsibility to him. The time for this was just right, since even the strongest and most confident woman during pregnancy begins to greatly need the support of loved ones. My family also supported me very much this time, since relations with them have gradually improved over the past six months, I began to communicate quite comfortably with them. Like this, adding something (drips,injections), then by stopping something (tablets, dragees), I passed the worst time for myself. Glimpses of joy from the state of pregnancy began around the 12th week of pregnancy. At 16, I already allowed myself optimistic hopes, and at 18-20, when the first movement appeared, I completely calmed down, so to speak. Of course, I can’t say that I was completely relaxed, no, the internal tension remained, but it was more like a “working” one, allowing me not to get discouraged by the pills and techniques. I just finally allowed myself to straighten my shoulders and walk with full feet, without fear of “scaring off” the pregnancy. Here she is, all mine, and she’s already 24 weeks old! The story of the heroine. This is not funny! I wake up in the morning and my bed is wet. I went cold with horror and went to call my doctor. The husband did not go to work, sat quietly in the kitchen and waited to see what help was needed from him. The doctor asked me to describe the fluid if possible, carefully look to see if there was any blood, to understand the approximate volume of fluid that had spilled out, asked if there was any pain and told me to come urgently. I understood that my water had broken, but I didn’t understand how much and whether it was still possible to save baby. We got to the center where my doctor was at that time. She examined the cervix, listened to the baby, but could not estimate the volume of water, since this center did not have ultrasound diagnostics. The doctor gave me an order and sent me by ambulance to the hospital. How did I feel sitting in the cold and scary ambulance? Nothing! I couldn't feel anything anymore! She simply performed some actions: raise a leg, take a step, lower it, raise the other, open the door, give directions for hospitalization, something else, I don’t remember. I was consulted by a very good doctor at the reception center, he collected an anamnesis, carefully asked about the nature of the discharge and current state of health, examined him on the chair, then took him for an ultrasound examination. After which he asked me to wait a little. I understood that it was probably all over, and they simply didn’t know how to tell me about it, but I wasn’t worried, I just couldn’t. When the doctor came in to “pass the verdict,” I got up from the couch, as if before a trial. “You know, this happens,” he began to say, “everything is fine with you, it’s just... you peed yourself. Everything is fine with the baby, your water levels are normal, there is no tone, your cervix is ​​wonderful. Don’t worry, the uterus is just putting pressure on the bladder and sometimes this can go unnoticed. I have nothing to put you in the hospital with. Can someone take you home?” I also automatically left the hospital with my husband, and we went home. On the street I started to feel it! I began to feel something inside, like a lump in my throat, but something much larger and pressing. But I could neither laugh nor cry. The story of the heroine. Fear goes away After that incident with the “breaking of water”, no more adventures happened to me. The rest of the second half of the pregnancy was quite calm for me. My husband helped me more and more, I was more and more idle and had already begun to think about the baby, since before such thoughts were forbidden. Of course, I didn’t dare buy anything yet, but no one stopped me from thinking and dreaming about our future life with the baby in detail. Shopping for the child, absolutely everything, had to be done by my husband while I was in the maternity hospital. The most difficult thing for me was the treatment. I'm damn tired of the constant hourly intake of various drugs, droppers, injections, inhalations and constant monitoring of tests. Even earlier, before pregnancy, while I was preparing, I agreed with myself that this was my “job”. The word “work” is clear, close and loved for me, therefore, having agreed with myself this way, I relieved most of the tension and fatigue from all these preparations and treatments, the end and the edge, which there was no end. It seems to me that all the women who have gone through and are going through this can simply erect a monument! I started taking classes to prepare for childbirth. Since I was going to give birth alone, my husband did not go with me. I understood that he was doing everything possible and impossible for us too,