From the author: And I love you too)! Today I phoned a friend, my colleague, who changed her place of residence and due to circumstances related to the move, forced to temporarily stay in a small living space with her adult sons and their daughters-in-law. She shared a quote about patience and forgiveness: “Forgiving the first time is wisdom, forgiving the second time is generosity, forgiving the third time is stupidity.” And now this third time has come! And, as they say, Ostap got carried away)... A friend said that if it weren’t for psychology and mastery of coaching, then the roof would have been blown away at the “first time” stage)... And on the topic of conversation I came across an article on the Internet, excerpts from which I will cite, but first read your RIGHTS, my dear subscribers, “The Rights of a Confident Person” - this is taken from the Bill of Psychological Individual Rights - an informal document developed by the American Psychological Association. To all those who are tormented by feelings of guilt, communicating from the position of “should, must, etc.” It’s useful to keep them at hand: Every person has the right to evaluate his own behavior and thoughts. feelings and be responsible for them. Every person has the right not to make excuses and not to explain their actions. Everyone has the right to refuse a request without feeling guilty, and to decide for themselves whether they want to take responsibility for solving other people’s problems. Every person has the right change your decisions. Every person has the right to not know, to make illogical decisions, not to be perfect. So why do we still communicate with people who are unpleasant to us and what to do about it? 1. What will people think? You’re not 15 for a long time, but the feeling that your loved one (parents, grandmother, older brother) is making your life unbearable doesn’t let you go. All your attempts to establish communication have led nowhere. It doesn’t matter why: maybe this same relative is just an emotional abuser and doesn’t want to negotiate, but wants to ruin your life. Or a person simply has a bad character and a difficult fate, and you sob into your pillow at night, trying to understand what is to blame. The important thing is that you would be much happier if you interrupted or reduced communication to a minimum. However, the fear of condemnation cancels out all the arguments of reason. After all, we hear from childhood that arguing with family is bad. Because there is nothing more important than family, and friends and others like them come and go. In the end, what will people think? What to do: In such cases, it is about respecting personal boundaries. You can run away from your relatives far away, but the tension will still remain. Therefore, first you need to hear yourself, without turning a blind eye to your own discomfort, and, finally, choose who is dearer to you: you or all those people who will “say something.” It is impossible to please everyone, so the person who sets himself such a task , - in a trap. This lifestyle deprives you of joy, strength and health. It originates, as a rule, where a person from childhood was taught to be “the way he should be” and was inspired that “he is not like that, he is wrong, no one needs him.” Remind yourself that you are no longer a helpless baby. It is mortally scary for a child to be rejected by those he loves and on whom he depends. But you've grown up. And if someone is upset by your behavior, then most likely neither you nor the person upset will die from it. Gently but confidently explain that you, of course, are relatives, but this situation no longer suits you. Get ready for resistance - usually the “you’ll put up with me anyway” behavior is very popular with the person who practices it, and your loved one will not give it up so easily. You still won’t be able to be good to everyone, but in this situation someone has to show concern for you, and this someone is most likely yourself.2. You need to communicate. This is generally the most popular excuse for those who tolerate both a despot husband and a boorish neighbor. There is a sea of ​​different “musts” that are carried out without thinking about who needs it and, in fact, why? You must definitely get married, build a dizzying career,travel around the world. One of these “musts” is the indispensable friendship with newly made relatives and “friends of friends,” as well as with their other halves. The usual neutral-respectful attitude and polite conversations in rare meetings are not suitable. It's friendship. And it doesn’t matter that we choose husbands and friends based on common interests, mutual sympathy and other compatibility, and everything else comes as a set, as they are. And mutual love may not work out. Or there will be mutual dislike. Simply put, you are not ready and don’t want to become related to them, but you continue to put on a good face when the game is bad, supporting yourself with arguments: “we are one family,” “I was raised that way,” and “everyone does that.” What to do: If you dig deep , then the “this is how it should be” program has been installed for us since childhood. This behavior was typical of the generation of our grandmothers and mothers, and we inherited it. But if you look at the surface, this is the most common attempt to control the opinions of others about you. You selflessly make friends with the closest circle of the person dear to you, in this way trying to say: “I’m good, I’m doing everything right.” But try to listen to your desires and determine which way of communicating with these people suits you best. Don’t be afraid to fantasize, play out this method to yourself and see what emotions and feelings it will evoke in you. However, you should not deceive yourself: if a certain “I don’t want” is revealed, you will have to legalize it, that is, admit it at least to yourself. This way it will be easier to understand that you don’t need such communication.3. What if she (he) gets offended? Perhaps you yourself don’t want to be gentle friends with distant relatives and husbands of friends, but others expect this from you. Those whom you love very much and do not want to offend. For example, your man. You put a lot of effort, trying to be good for everyone, but in the end you are constantly nervous and you yourself are offended by him - because the person close to you does not understand you, does not see how bad you feel in the presence of his mother. This situation could very well end in a damaged relationship for which you tried so hard. Some call this feminine wisdom, which, however, is usually used to cover up anything, from the fear of changing your life for the better to outright stupidity. What to do: Understand that all your “sacrifices” in the name of general peace are absolutely in vain. While you suffer in silence, those around you are sure that everything is fine, and if one day you try to present your suffering as some kind of feat for the sake of your loved one, most likely they will simply not understand you. Agree, it’s strange to do something you don’t want and remain silent at the same time. Sooner or later you will simply explode and throw out everything that has accumulated over a long time, without controlling your emotions. In this case, the truth will not be on your side: after all, if you did not show dissatisfaction before, it means that everything suited you. And suddenly - an unexpected scene. As a result, you risk being branded as an unbalanced hysterical person. The best way out would be a direct conversation, but based not on the personality of the unpleasant person, but on your own feelings and emotions. A compromise can always be found, but any compromise begins with a frank conversation. It is possible that the one you are so afraid of offending will actually try to be offended. If a loved one stubbornly refuses to listen to you and your desires, all that remains is to simply confront him with a fact and remind him that you are also a living person and have the right to psychological comfort.4. Dangerous to health The ability to think about the feelings of loved ones and the desire to see them happy and content are worthy of respect. But if at the same time you forget about your emotions and comfort, such psychological “long-suffering” threatens with nervous disorders and, as a result, various diseases. If you notice that you have the characteristic of “tolerating and forgiving everything” and at the same time you are characterized by psychosomatic diseases, the best solution is will go for a consultation with an experienced specialist. You need emotional support and help in developing skills.