Our freedom ends where another person’s freedom begins. Don’t you have a friend who calls at any time of the day to tell in detail (in very detail!) that she has once again been abandoned by her eleventh guy? Moreover, it is obvious that she is not at all interested in receiving feedback, but simply uses you as a “flush tank”... Do you have friends who believe that “your home is their home”, forgetting that “an uninvited guest is worse than a Tatar "? Friends who constantly delay returning borrowed items or treat them carelessly? And when you try to defend your rights, they accuse you of commercialism? Or a boss who doesn’t know that slavery was abolished in 1861 and sincerely believes that you should work “for yourself and for that guy” (read - for him)? And be grateful for the trust shown... Or acquaintances who are sure that if you are a psychologist, you are ready to advise them for free 24 hours a day anywhere and at any time? Although, if you were a gynecologist, they might have abstained... Or a partner who does not suspect that in the phrase “personal correspondence” the emphasis is on the word “personal”? Or a mother who stubbornly does not want to understand that a terrible thing happened, and the child (you - at 35!) has nevertheless grown up, and for a change would like to live for a while as he sees fit (with nothing and no one without meaning!)? ...No?Then don't read this article....Yes?Then let's talk about personal boundaries. Personal boundaries The laws of any country include many clauses that ensure and protect the personal boundaries of its citizens. They protect physical safety, integrity of property, personal rights. A person also has personal boundaries. What are psychological boundaries? Where are my boundaries, and where are the boundaries of another person? How to determine them, and why are they even needed? All living things physically have their limitations , limits. In a psychological sense, “boundaries” are the understanding and awareness of one’s own “I” as separate from others. Understanding our separateness forms the basis of our personality. Clear boundaries seem to “tell” us where we are and where we are not; what we feel and what we don’t; what gives us pleasure and what doesn’t; what we want and what we don't want. And in this sense, our boundaries define us. Just as physical boundaries show where private property begins and ends, psychological boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Violation of boundaries Most people are forced, sooner or later, to establish a balance between their personal needs and the demands of society. A person who, in search of balance, oversteps the interests of other people, finding himself in conflict with them, is called a criminal. If, in search of balance, he gives in to the encroachments of society, which overloads him with its demands, he becomes neurotic (most of us are normal neurotics). He does not know how to clearly see his needs and satisfy them, puts the interests of society above his life. The criminal also cannot distinguish himself from the rest of the world, does not see the needs of others and neglects them, but, in contrast to a neurotic, he puts himself above others. A neurotic is one same criminal. He just commits a crime not against other people, but against himself. Every person has the right to have their own thoughts and feelings, everyone needs to understand and satisfy their own needs, everyone needs their own personal space. This is sometimes difficult for people with violated personal boundaries to realize. How do they differ from people who have their own “boundaries”? How do they pay for the lack of their boundaries? And there is always such a fee. People with violated personal boundaries are often forced to spend a colossal amount of energy trying to “save the relationship.” What is this connected with? Most often with the fear of losing the favor of loved ones, relatives, colleagues, and superiors. They often agree to actions that goagainst their personal interests: they work for someone, spend their personal time on others, regardless of the fact that they may have their own plans for him, etc. Yes, and God be with them, but the whole problem is that all these and other actions do not bring a person either love or intimacy, for the sake of which this daily sacrifice of oneself is performed. Moreover, all this is taken for granted by others. And in response - not a word of gratitude. A person who allows his own boundaries to be violated gives others the opportunity to manipulate himself. A unclear awareness of one’s own boundaries leads to the fact that a person cannot understand what is included in his responsibilities and what is not, where his responsibility begins and ends. Often, he is unable to separate his own “I” from the “I” of another person, trying to solve problems that are not facing him at all: the irresponsibility of a boss, the immaturity of a spouse, the negative emotions of a loved one, etc. He “throws himself into the breach”, trying to cover up the gaps of someone else’s responsibility - he indiscriminately takes on everything, makes decisions that are inconvenient for himself, refuses to satisfy his own needs, trying to make life easier for others. When personal boundaries are violated, it will always be difficult for a person to say “no” , when pressure is put on him, or something is demanded of him - even when it is vitally necessary. What does our “no” mean? Our “no” indicates our boundaries and, thus, we warn the other about their violation. By saying “no,” we let other people know that we exist separately from them and control our own lives. Likewise, another person with broken boundaries has a hard time accepting someone else’s “no,” which indicates a need to increase distance. For an addict, this can mean anything, including “I can’t live without you.” Although this, of course, is not true. Some people feel that if they refuse something to someone, they will put the future relationship at risk of breaking. Such people passively obey, while still feeling indignation and resentment inside. The main emotional background of such a person will be negative - he will suffer, be indignant, disappointed, offended, feel guilty, sometimes even realizing it, and... doing nothing to correct it on his own. In addition to the fact that blurred personal boundaries allow others to take control of a person’s life in your hands, they are the cause of psychological disorders. For example, with depression, the object of manipulation constantly experiences mental pain, fatigue, and the impossibility of personal choice. There may be resentment and a feeling of loneliness due to the lack of close relationships (both personal and business). The inability to say “no” can lead to passive-aggressive behavior: a person says “yes” at the stage of discussing the issue, but then “fails” the project , is late for meetings, does not fulfill his obligations. In general, the lack of personal boundaries forms the psychology of the victim: a person begins to see himself as a victim of circumstances or other people. When personal boundaries are violated, addictions can also arise - food, chemical (it is easier to control a substance than a person), emotional, sexual. Why do we allow our boundaries to be violated? Boundaries are not inherited, they must be formed. To do this, from childhood, each of us needs Learn that there are limitations in life. The process of forming boundaries lasts a lifetime, but it is in childhood that their foundation is laid, when the child’s character is formed. Unfortunately, it often happens that the peculiarities of upbringing do not leave the child the right to feel like a separate person and, accordingly, to explore and set his own boundaries. He is told what feelings he should and should not experience, especially with manifestations of anger, anger, melancholy, and loneliness. He is prohibited from thoughts and views if they differ from those of his environment. Many parents want to raise their children in a certain way.the established plan, completely disregarding the inclinations and desires of the child himself. Often this is done out of great “love” and the desire to protect him from dangers, but by doing this to a person, he is deprived of his right to his own life. A child who is deprived of the opportunity to independently figure out where “I” is and where “not-I” , is prone to the formation of two extreme options in the personality structure. In the first case, this is a person who is not aware of his own needs and desires, who does not believe in himself, often living at the behest of other people. In the second case, this is a person who does not recognize and does not respect boundaries of other people, subordinating them to his will and desires. Manipulating or using others, he still strives to live someone else's life, suffering from a feeling of insignificance, but does not realize this. In any of these cases, people with violated personal boundaries experience constant and powerful stress, the essence of which is that they do not can control their own lives and satisfy their own needs because they simply do not understand or feel them. Since the need for meaningful relationships is one of the basic human needs in life, saying “no” becomes possible only after realizing the fact that , with whom you have lived for many years without personal boundaries in a relationship, is not the only source of love and acceptance on earth. A person is afraid to set a boundary, mistakenly believing that there will be no love left in his life. There are beliefs that contribute to the fact that a person allows personal boundaries to be violated. These beliefs can be divided into two types - ideas about oneself and ideas about others. They arise from various reasons... Of course, the reasons for many of them should be sought in relationships with parents (parents are generally universal “culprits”; everything can be “blamed” on them!), but society also influences the emergence of illusions that lead to the violation of personal boundaries. Below are beliefs that are common among people with violated psychological boundaries. Self-image: “If I have something of my own (boundaries), then I am bad.” Many of us come from a country where “everything around is collective farm (public), everything around is mine.” The principles of duty have been cultivated in Soviet culture for decades, therefore, the feeling of obligation is typical for most of us. This is the influence of the psychology of collectivism and the renunciation of one’s individuality. This belief allows others to control your life. When a person is open to being controlled by other people, he believes that it is selfish to decide for himself what to do with his life. If you share this belief, other people can use your name, your connections, manage finances and private property. “I must do everything that others want from me.” This belief is close to the previous one: the willingness to give your life to others, to fulfill their desires to the detriment of their own interests. Sometimes such sacrifice manifests itself in relation to a narrow circle of close people: often we allow them everything, fearing to lose their love and affection. “My needs are not that important.” A person puts something or someone above his own interests, abandons personal needs - for example, he considers his business (work) more important than himself and ultimately turns into an appendage, an appendix to it, becomes dependent on his company. There is also the opposite belief, thanks to which a person violates other people’s boundaries: “My needs are the most important.” “I am responsible for others.” In this case, we are faced with a person’s feeling of excessive responsibility for the actions of other people and, as a result, the inability to delegate responsibilities and powers. Or is it a sense of responsibility for the family, when a successful person has to “carry on his back” numerous poor relatives. Beliefs about others: “They will hate me if I say no.” Irrational belief that people will reject you if you set limitson what to do and what not to do for them. “People seek to control and manipulate me.” Someone who has a poorly developed sense of self fears manipulation and control from others. Often, influential people refuse to build close relationships: they are convinced that others cannot love them - only their money and connections. This is where the fear of establishing partnerships arises. “Others will refuse to fulfill my requests.” Some people have learned from childhood that direct expression of desires is unworthy or selfish (“don’t believe, don’t be afraid, don’t ask”!). As a result, they do not know how to ask for help even in cases when it is really necessary. This belief is often characteristic of those who have achieved a lot in life. As a result, it turns out that many times more effort was spent on achieving goals than in the case of competently asking for help. What to do? A natural question arises: how to set boundaries, determine what can be allowed to others and what cannot? In order to understand that you can allow others, you first need to become aware of yourself or, in scientific terms, form an adequate self-concept. This process can be compared to the formation of a state: as long as the leader of the tribe believes that his territory ends “at the tree behind which the sun sets,” an integral people, city, or country cannot exist. It is important to love your body, to be clearly aware of your feelings, internal attitudes, actions, thoughts, abilities, decisions, desires and limitations. In the formation of the self-concept, goal setting and a vision of the future play an important role. It is recommended to answer the following questions: What place do relationships with a partner (partners) occupy in my life? Do I continue painful and devastating relationships in order to avoid feelings of loneliness (my own worthlessness, helplessness , unnecessaryness, etc.)? How much time am I willing to spend on relationships? To what extent do I allow my partner(s) to get involved in my affairs? What is important to me in life (really important!)? What can I give up? ?Boundaries are directly related to personal values, so it is necessary to determine what is more and what is less valuable to you; what you are willing to sacrifice and what you are not. Of course, established boundaries will never be fully respected. But by setting boundaries, you can determine what place relationships occupy in your life: with yourself and with others. What am I willing to do for them? Defining boundaries is self-knowledge. Its goal is to know oneself as a person, one’s properties and abilities, weaknesses and strengths. Self-knowledge includes the search for one’s own place in life, determining one’s interests, needs, motives, ideals, goals, and beliefs. Self-knowledge occurs during reflection, thinking about decisions made, comparing oneself with other people. How to understand where conversations about boundaries end and selfishness begins? Ask yourself two questions (and remember to answer them honestly!):1. “Where is the line between indifference and respecting boundaries? After all, it’s normal to empathize with loved ones. Indeed, we can be saddened by the pain of loved ones. Compassion and empathy are also a sign of a healthy personality. However, if someone else’s pain paralyzes and does not allow us to enjoy what is happening in our own life, this is no longer compassion, this is symbiosis. And this is often, at first glance, beneficial to both. We immerse ourselves in someone else’s life when we don’t know what to do with our own. In psychology, this is called codependent relationships. An example is the wives of alcoholics, happiness and misfortune. which depends on whether the husband comes drunk or sober. In a marriage where codependent relationships are not so developed, spouses find the strength to rejoice in their successes and events, even if the other is having problems. In a codependent relationship, we cannot help our loved one, we are drowning in the sea. his grief or other negative feelings instead of supporting him.” As a psychologist, I often work with negative emotions and I know that if you sit down, “hug and cry” with a client, nothing (usually) will change.2. "Where is the line between selfishness andrespecting boundaries? After all, it’s normal to help your loved ones. Yes, if you do it voluntarily, this help satisfies your personal needs and you understand this. If you have a need to help your brother financially, because your heart rejoices when you see, how he develops his business before our eyes and turns from a bully into a real man - wonderful! If you give him money every time with the feeling that this slacker still can’t cope without you, and he should be eternally grateful to you, it’s better to “send off” your brother - for his own good. By helping against your will, you harm yourself, and even the one for whom you are doing this, such help is unlikely to benefit (do not infantilize or disable your loved ones!). Mother Teresa said: “In the end, everything you do is not necessary people; Only you and God need this.” These words at one time helped me understand a very important and simple thing - the world will not collapse without me, and if I help, I do it for my own pleasure, and not because I am so irreplaceable and people cannot cope without me" (Monchik A. Other people's problems). Let's learn to value ourselves not for the fact that someone will be lost without us, but for the fact that we simply exist). partners, etc. However, such a position is the position of a victim. The question “who is to blame?” is extremely meaningless and even harmful, since it deprives a person of the opportunity to choose in his internal perception of reality. For example, at least two people participate in any communication, and an imposed uncomfortable decision indicates not only the ability to manipulate one of the partners, but also that the other. the person allowed this (accordingly, both bear responsibility for the result!). Refusal of the role of the victim is expressed in the recognition of the right to choose. If a person does not know how to define and maintain his boundaries, people who do not even have the goal of using others begin to use them. for personal purposes, they unconsciously strive to define boundaries when building relationships, since they need to find out how a person allows himself to be communicated and how not. In some cases, such testing turns out to be soft and tactful, in others – quite tough and aggressive, especially when it comes to matters. serious issues, since boundaries directly indicate the ability to defend oneself. It is typical that a person who does not feel his own boundaries often violates others. For example, 1 partner can violate the boundaries of 2, using criticism, the purpose of which is to offend the person, lower his status, etc. Sometimes this causes emotional satisfaction in 1 partner, who seems to be conquering someone else’s territory, but harms their common cause, since 2 begins to occupy victim position. As a result, the relationship deteriorates, the partner either stops doing anything at all, or takes on the role of a rebel and “raises a rebellion,” “derailing” everything that was previously created together... Do you need this? However, it is not enough to simply define your boundaries - it is necessary to be able to protect them from foreign expansion (aggression), etc. In many cases, an important stage in establishing boundaries is the conclusion of an agreement. An agreement can regulate various areas of personal relationships; it implies a refusal to spend time unpleasantly, a limitation of unconstructive, demobilizing criticism, and a refusal to be held accountable for the actions of others. It is formed behind the scenes, but plays a significant role in relationships. To feel this, pay attention to how differently you communicate with people: you allow one to discuss your affairs (sometimes quite angrily!), the other does not have such a right. You allow one person to express his comments about your relationship and listen to his advice, the other is deprived of the opportunity to make such comments. If he discusses your activities, it is very unpleasant for you, but you cannot protect yourself from this; you realize that he is violating your boundaries. Boundaries mainly determine a sense of responsibility. They indicate how much a person ownsyourself - your feelings, thoughts, actions. If a person effectively controls himself, others will no longer be able to manipulate him. Thus, the formation of personal boundaries is impossible without self-knowledge and taking responsibility for one’s life (no matter how disgusting some may be to accept this!). In order for people who are not aware of their boundaries and have been living in relationships with broken boundaries for many years to establish and maintain them, they often require the support of other people, most often (at least more effectively and easily!) - psychotherapists. What happens to clients in personal therapy? There is joint work with the therapist to determine the client’s own boundaries (his “I” and “not-I”). An in-depth analysis of the client’s activities takes place: what he does because he needs it, and what he does because someone else needs it. There is a study of parental attitudes (“baggage”) and the current value system, its analysis from the point of view of the client’s age, his experience, his individuality. All this is important to do now, because in his childhood it was impossible to evaluate parental attitudes for reality and compliance with life. This is how the work of setting your own boundaries begins. The foundation of this work is the key idea: “I, and only I, can control my life, and only I own it!” I do my job, and you do yours. I do not live in this world to meet your expectations. And you don’t live in this world to match mine. You are you, and I am me. And if we happen to find each other, that’s wonderful. If not, it can’t be helped. (F. Perls) And although this is only the beginning of the Path, joy and the feeling of being the creator of your own life are a valuable reward at this stage... Therefore, if your boundaries are constantly violated by others, you should not continue to take it for granted. You can't expect change from other people and just hope for a miracle. Perhaps the time has come when it is no longer possible to simply accept what is happening in your life against your will, when it is important to make a significant decision and seek help in order to begin meaningful changes, and it is important to start these changes with yourself! What do you think? There is a good exercise - “Map of my life”, which helps you understand your relationship with boundaries (and therefore other people!). You can do it yourself.” Draw a map of your life, where you and all the people around you are countries You are of different sizes, you have different relationships. With someone you have common borders, with someone you may not. With someone you may have a certain common zone - a customs union. or “Schengen Agreement”. For some, the visa regime is simplified, for others it is complicated. And then look at your drawing and remember what the borders were like, say, five years ago? And sometimes it helps to see many things. For example: Maybe. Maybe five years ago you had a lot of close boundaries and connections, a lot of contacts and conflicts, and that is why now you are “oversaturated with communication” and have become... an island... Which no one touches or captures. Maybe, on the contrary, you have moved out of the state. isolation to close, strong ties. Maybe your country is constantly being invaded by other countries, and you don’t know how to resist it? Or maybe you yourself are capturing everyone around you and conquering lands? (it’s hard to admit this, but every person has such a desire - just the scale is different) Maybe you divide countries into allies, with whom you have simplified relations, and into opponents - with whom you build fences and prepare companies against them... And when you see the main patterns, it is easier for you to understand where to strive. Do you need to learn to defend yourself or do you need to learn to live in peace and not attack. Do you need to learn to build relationships or do you need to allow yourself to take a break and be alone" (Valyaeva O. Personal boundaries. Protect and protect). Exercise "Customs" In Gestalt therapy there is a similar exercise - "Customs" (author - Sereda E.I. ., quoted from the book: “Trainings for solving family problems:Practical Guide" - St. Petersburg: Rech, 2008), which is traditionally used when working with violated personal boundaries. The exercise is intended to study various types of psychological boundaries - bodily, boundaries of values, trust, manifestations and openness between individuals (child and adult, husband and wife, etc.) or individual parts of the family system. Goal: - expanding awareness, - developing responsibility, - establishing healthy psychological boundaries with others. Progress of work: The exercise consists of three parts: - visualization, - drawing (or a short story. ) and dramatization (or experiment). This exercise can be done in small groups or in a large group, depending on the goals of the participants. It has rich opportunities for involving other group members in the work as assistants, playing the roles of various characters in this “. customs" history. These can be either animate characters - customs workers and those who cross the border, or inanimate ones - a barrier at the border, a stamp used to stamp a passport, etc. The first part is visualization. Participants are asked to think about themselves as a person - a citizen of some state, and about their relationship partner (child, spouse or parent) as a citizen of another state. They imagine what kind of states these are - are they different or the same? How far are they from each other, Do they have a common border or do they first need to cross the borders of other neighboring states? They determine the nature of their relationships themselves - these are business ties, tourism, regular neighborhood, international cooperation in solving some problem, or something else. This is a foreign state, whose citizens speak a different language, or are these two regions within one country? If this is a foreign country, then, like any foreign citizens, they need to complete a series of sequential procedures to cross the border. - Firstly, you first need to contact your partner, so that he sends an invitation. - Secondly, you need to receive an invitation, on the basis of which a visa is issued to cross the border. The visa can be one-time or multiple-entry (this is decided by the partner). - Thirdly, when a visa is received and the traveler crosses the border, he must undergo customs inspection to determine the presence or absence of items prohibited for import into a given country (weapons, drugs, contraband goods and etc.).- Fourthly, he needs to check in at the border (at the entrance) and register when he crosses it.- Fifthly, he needs to take care of getting back home, checking in when leaving the territory of a foreign state and not to export something that is prohibited from being exported by the government. At each stage, travelers may experience various events and even experience some difficulties. Their task is to enter the territory of a foreign state legally, and then return back legally. If these are just two regions in one state, then the task is greatly simplified. Participants are asked to imagine what the border between them is and how they make contacts. Is there a railway or road connecting them; what is being transported along it and in which direction; what do the residents of these regions do, etc.? The second part is drawing your “customs” story or its most striking moment. Drawing can be replaced with a travel story. The third part of the exercise - an experiment - is offered to those who have difficulties crossing the border. The participant who wishes to explore his difficulties with boundaries is the main actor and invites assistants for dramatization. The work of the facilitator is aimed at expanding the participant's awareness, strengthening his responsibility for his own feelings, desires, actions and decisions made when crossing the border, as well as developing his interpersonal reflection. What does this give? For example, in one of the group classes withWhile doing this exercise, one of the participants discovered that she is a migratory bird that from time to time flies to another bird that lives permanently on the island (its mother). She said that she loves change and loves to travel, and flies to her mother only when she is tired of change and wants stability. This discovery turned out to be completely unexpected for her and partially did not coincide with the idea of ​​herself that she had at that moment. Awareness of her own need for stability was an important step for her in understanding some of the difficulties in her relationship with her mother. Another participant, while doing this exercise, discovered that in her drawing there was simply no boundary between her and her partner, there was only a common territory. She needed to do some work in order to realize her merging with a loved one and to draw a boundary between herself and him. Thus, performing this exercise allows you to explore typical violations of psychological boundaries between relationship partners, especially in the case of extreme options - too rigid or, on the contrary, blurred boundaries. This exercise has proven itself quite well in working with parent-child and marital relationships. It is especially effective for working with the symbiotic relationship between a mother and a teenager (or an adult child). By working to become aware of their merging with others, people begin to respect more the differences between themselves and loved ones, and this leads to a decrease in interpersonal tension in the family and reduces psychological pressure on others. Who should I let in and where?" Violation of personal boundaries always leads to conflicts. This is just a time bomb. You plant it when you allow a person to enter further than they should. Imagine that your soul is a house. And different people come into it Each of them has their own goal, their own motives, their own needs. Someone comes with flowers, someone with a cake, someone with garbage, and someone I won’t say what. And then a person comes in - you. you meet him on the threshold. And then you need to decide - are you ready to let him in and how far? If it’s immediately clear that a person’s hands are full of all sorts of dirt, why not leave him where he is? And you don’t have to yell at him? and be offended. You can simply close the door, saying “No.” You may let someone into the living room. Have a good conversation there. But after good communication, is it necessary to allow a person to dispose of his home at his discretion? After all, a good person has the best intentions? He’ll go and rearrange the furniture. And he didn’t seem to do anything wrong - he wanted to help. But this makes you feel bad. Why not immediately determine where and how you will communicate? With colleagues and employees - only in the office and sometimes in the dining room. With friends and friends - in the living room. With those who come to us with a sword - on the threshold (through the door). And only those who are near and dear to us, whom we completely trust, we give the keys to the house. Although there is one detail here too. Still, leave one closet just for yourself" (Valyaeva O. Personal boundaries. Protect and protect). Each of us should have a purely personal intimate space. What to occupy that closet is up to you. If the violator is you: "If you never don’t violate other people’s boundaries, they are always violated because you don’t know where they are.... Moreover, if you constantly violate other people’s boundaries, you yourself suffer from this more than others. The topic of violating someone’s personal boundaries It is customary to discuss things in a one-sided manner. “He violated my boundaries,” “I violated yours.” Victim-aggressor. And so on. In fact, the issue of violating personal boundaries is always two-sided. By violating someone's personal boundaries, we thereby violate our own. And vice versa. Here is a simple but prominent example of mutually violated boundaries: inadequate psychological exposure. Let’s say I tell another person something purely intimate about myself. And this is inadequate. That is, firstly, he didn’t ask me about it, and secondly,My intuition let me down and I made a mistake. That is, she said too much. Question: whose boundaries am I thereby violating? Soulful striptease, it seems, is mine. “With a bare bottom” - it seems to be me. But the other person’s boundaries are violated just as much as my own. Because he didn't need my striptease. Because he was completely uninterested in what was under my clothes (“Persona”). Because now he doesn’t know what to do with all this. Because he is obliged to react “on the level”, but he doesn’t need that. Because now (for some reason) he is forced to keep this “intimate” incident secret. Now for some reason we are connected to him with a secret that he does not need. In the most general form, the theme of mutual violation of personal boundaries can be illustrated by the following agricultural example. Look, I have a pen, and there are sheep in it. Or goats, as you like. Maybe even cows. And I don’t take care of my fence, it’s rotten. And failed in one place. It seems like my boundaries have been violated - the fence is mine. And even some of my sheep are running around bitten on the ass by a wolf. But, meanwhile, my other sheep (goats or even cows) run around the neighboring plots, eat other people’s cabbage and trample other people’s dahlias” (Gaverdovskaya P. “Personal boundaries: a view from both sides”). So think for yourself, decide for yourself So, what moments in communication can violate boundaries? There are four main types of violation of boundaries: 1. Details of personal life Quite often, people are curious about various personal stories. They help to understand some of their difficult relationships and find recipes for their own happiness. , or raise their own self-esteem. Many women are happy to listen to stories about the misadventures of their friends, secretly rejoicing that “I’m not such a fool.” However, there are limits to everything. Sometimes protracted or often repeated stories about the “goat-husband” or “bitch.” “mothers-in-law” no longer play a cognitive role in the lives of those around them. Moreover, not all intimate information is interesting and pleasant to other people, even in a one-time performance (not like an encore). Not all interlocutors can frankly and directly say that. They are not interested in your experiences. Many people listen simply because they want to somehow support a person in difficult times. That's why. when you are frank, make sure how desirable your outpouring is to your interlocutor. In this case, there is a forcible drawing into one’s personal territory, with a natural breakdown of the interlocutor’s boundaries.2. A sharp leap towards close relationships. It happens that people, having just met, consider it necessary to immediately establish friendly relations. This is supposedly a sign of relaxedness and advancement. They immediately switch to informal communication and ask rather personal and even intimate questions. To the confusion of a new acquaintance they say “oh well! Nowadays you can’t be such a complex and retarded person.” People, in their own way, insist on trying homemade pies or home-pickled cabbage. Or hug and kiss. Have a drink during the meeting, go to the bathhouse together, etc. And if the opponent begins to be indignant at the familiarity, then it is stated: “I thought you were a normal man and woman,” “yes, people like you don’t go on reconnaissance missions.” Such forced hospitality also violates the boundaries of others. Before opening your soul wide open, make sure that your soul is acceptable in this situation and with these people, and whether people in the company want to open their soul wide open in response.3. Love at first sight (or not at first sight, but obsessive and unrequited). You saw and fell in love. Some people suffer in silence and uncertainty, while others try to improve relationships. Naturally, love is such a thing, especially “at first glance,” when the object of love is not asked for an opinion on how he feels about this feeling. Even languid glances, sighs, “accidental collisions” at the door, and even more so “unnoticed” escorts home and pursuit for the purpose of talking, can significantly annoy the object of sighs. Many such “objects” admit that such signs of concern have a completely different effect on them. They feelconstrained, obliged to respond to the lover in some special way (he is not a bad person, and you don’t want to just send him away rudely). Moreover, if a lover is somehow unsympathetic, he is significantly annoying and his attentions cause anger and sometimes aggression. An unrequited lover, showing signs of attention, voluntarily or unwittingly significantly interferes in the life of another person, and in some cases this crosses personal boundaries.4. Gratuitous help. Overall, it's a very good thing to help others. Especially when the assistant does not expect reward and does it at the behest of his soul. There are many people who need support and help, and cannot always afford it for certain reasons. So, in general, helping for free is very commendable. However, if the assistant himself experiences a feeling of insecurity, then he may get carried away. Spending most of his time taking care of the affairs of his ward, he will quietly enter his territory with the best intentions. He will take more and more care, guardianship of the “poor and unfortunate” and as a result will occupy an increasingly significant part of someone else’s property. It is very useful to maintain balance even when helping others. If caring for your neighbor (capable and healthy!) occupies a large part of your life, you spend significant time on this, then your personality has “crept” over other people’s boundaries with good intentions.” Boundaries are built more easily, and to be honest, they are generally built, only if:• You love yourself more than your partner. Because (now the common truths will begin, but they need to be reminded!) for yourself you are the closest and most beloved person in the world, the most significant.• Your state of mind still means more to you. than the most important relationships. Boundaries are violated when your relationship becomes more important to you than yourself. If you take actions that are clearly to the detriment of you, your career, family, etc. for the sake of the relationship, then your boundaries are violated. • You, in principle, know how to differentiate not so much between yourself and your partner, but between yourself, your needs (as a constant value) and relationships (as a temporary value). • You always remember that for all the events of your life (and for your mental state in including) only one person is responsible - you. However, you are only responsible for your own contribution to the relationship. His (the partner’s) contribution (that is, any action performed by him) is his responsibility. The main thing is not to get confused.• The best way to keep your own boundaries intact is to honestly and competently build them in the first days and even hours of a relationship. Yes, yes, discussing every little detail - honestly and reverently listening to yourself. What you need to know (and always remember!): 1. Not only do you have boundaries, but so does your partner. And there is always (!) a relationship between your boundaries and his. For if a person has no idea about the boundaries of his beloved self and allows them to be violated, then he, accordingly, is unlikely to think about the existence of the boundaries of his partner and at some point will try to cross them too. Absolutely all the rules for preserving the individual in a state of inviolability and peace of mind also apply to the partner. He has the right to implement his own plans. You have the right to leave him if following his plans constantly violates your plans. You also have the right to know about all his plans, on which your plans depend, starting from your own status in the relationship, the articulation of which is competent respect for your boundaries, and not at all a mutually humiliating procedure.2. Partners with “clear” (mutually agreed upon) boundaries usually feel each other intuitively, that is, they are mirrors for each other.3. Manipulation is essentially moving a partner’s boundaries back and forth, or forcing a partner to move their own boundaries.4. Adults (mature) can be called those relationships in which the partners are equal and each is aware of his contribution and is responsible only for it.5. Pre-agreed and planned violation of each other’s boundaries (I want you to)