Alefirenko Victoria Yurievna “Happy parents of happy children” Or how to make beautiful and harmonious relationships between members of your family. This book is about how to restore mutual understanding between parents and children. Contents. Chapter 1. How did this book appear? Chapter 2. Why do you need this? Chapter 3. Who is to blame or the pitfalls? - who if not us - fate or the scenario of the family - teenage crisis - second child Chapter 4. Why ordinary ones don’t work solutions? - decision 1. Punishments in all their diversity. - decision 2. Punishments in rubles. - decision 3. Demands or “I want to see the return!” - decision 4. Manipulation or conditional love - decision 5. Don’t do as I do, do as I say.-solution 6. They must understand that...Chapter 5. What to do?Chapter 6. How to become happy parents of happy children?Chapter 7. About the author. Chapter 1. How this book appeared. The most valuable thing every person has is his family, our loved ones and relatives, and, of course, our children. But how strange and surprising it is how difficult it can sometimes be to establish relationships with them. It would seem strange, because this is our dearest, closest, dearest - our children, what we carried under our hearts. We are their parents. It seems that this is it – happiness and mutual understanding. Agree, there is nothing closer and dearer to a person than his family and good, warm, friendly relationships in this family. Relationships in the family are like a musical instrument: if you just overexert one string a little, or, conversely, relax, and everything - falsehood begins to be heard, and this falsehood becomes visible and palpable to all family members. It was not in vain that I decided to write this book. It arose naturally - from numerous requests. In my more than 10 years of practice, the most common and most frequently encountered issue is the issue of the relationship between children and parents. “Fathers and sons” - this question has not disappeared anywhere; on the contrary, now it is the most pressing, now it stands out sharply. After all, the pace of our life forces us to constantly move and, often, we do not have the opportunity to stop and think, look back and look, think somewhere, analyze and adjust the instrument of family relationships. Plus, it would be much easier to know in what key this instrument of ours needs to be tuned. Day after day, helping families, helping parents and children build relationships with each other, day after day, seeing at first unhappy eyes, and after - happy smiles, I wanted this information to become available to as many people as possible. It was this desire that prompted me to write this book. After all, the more happy families, the more warm and good relationships, the better. So much the better for everyone. This book is the result of many years of practical help to families! Chapter 2. Why do you need this? So, why do you need this book? But really, why? If everything in your life is going great, it’s wonderful, if when you come home you meet the joyful, beloved eyes of your household members, glowing with happiness from your appearance, if the relationships in your family are finely tuned and complete mutual understanding reigns in it, if such an exclamation is unfamiliar to you like “I want to see and feel the return”, if you know exactly what is happening in your relationship and know how to manage it, then you don’t need this book. But if at least once in your life the question “why me I do everything for them, but they are so ungrateful”, “I’m exhausted, I earn money, if only they have everything”, “I want to see the return, because I do everything at home and at work, I want this not enough, is it really so difficult for them?..”; if sometimes you have had thoughts that your home is not your fortress at all and not at all a quiet haven where you can come and where you can relax; if such an exclamation as “I’m your mother, your father!..” has no impact on your child, and if mutual understanding has swayed due to a teenage crisis, due towhatever the moments, if you feel it and if you are concerned, if not indifferent to what is happening in your family, then this book is a chance. A chance to look at the hidden meaning of events, a chance to understand and find out what is happening around, how you can cope with it. You know, there is one wonderful saying “If you don’t know where you are sailing, then not a single wind will be favorable to you,” in the same way in our family relationships, if we do not know what we ultimately want to come to, then all our actions are chaotic and meaningless. My book will help, first of all, to understand and find the direction for your family ship. Unfortunately, we often do not fully imagine this direction. Yes, we know that we would like “to have someone to bring a glass of water to in old age,” but you must admit, this is nothing more than a cliché. We often say: “We would like loving children, because we are loving parents for them!” And here the first question arises - what and how many loving children are, what kind of love every parent needs, how children should show it, how and by what signs you will understand that these are children who love you. And the most important thing is HOW you will understand that this very love is being shown towards you. After all, very often we are not able to show this love to ourselves. But this is a separate topic and a completely different conversation. Everyone reading this book has a real chance to improve relationships in the family! Chapter 3. Who is to blame or the underwater stones. Who if not us? Think about what the word family means to you? What does this concept include for you? As a rule, this is happiness and mutual understanding. Yes, indeed, this is so. And then I have one more question: who is responsible for happiness in the family? Everyone is responsible, but first of all those who created this family, are trying to build it, or have already built it. Let's think: who, if not me? Who, if not you, needs first of all that everything is fine in your family. Children? Yes, and children too, but, you see, asking them now is quite pointless, because for them, for now, this is most likely not the greatest value, but we always have us at hand. Self-understanding, sensible people who want, and most importantly, can change everything. Who is to blame for such a phenomenon as a lack of mutual understanding? Children or parents? Parents or grandparents? A Chinese proverb says: “It takes two palms to make a clap.” Therefore, no matter who is to blame for the lack of mutual understanding, it is in your power to correct it. The main thing is to know how. Each of us can make our family happy! Especially if we put at least a minimum of effort into this! Fate or family scenario Very often we utter such common phrases as “it’s written in the family,” “predestined by fate,” “this is the fate” . So we usually talk about the scenario of a lineage that continues and continues, which goes on from generation to generation. After all, if each of us looks at the life of several generations of our family, we will be able to see that someone in the family already had a life quite similar to ours, and once upon a time they lived through situations similar to ours. And this is not without reason, because the gender scenario is present in our lives. Sometimes we try unsuccessfully to change it without trying to analyze it and find out what lessons it brings us. Without drawing a conclusion, without learning and without understanding how to solve what is, we want to move on to solving the next problems. But, again, in order to do something, you need to know how to do it. For example, for a small child it is very difficult to tie his shoelaces, light the gas in the kitchen, cook dinner, replace the faucet, and, ultimately, just write a word on a piece of paper. For you and me, this is completely natural, we do it easily and without thinking, we do it as a matter of course. It's the same here. Why is it difficult for a child to do this? Because he doesn't know how to do it, it's new to him. Therefore, as a rule, without the help of a specialist, without knowledge of the algorithm for working with a generic scenario, without knowledge of howto change our path, we sometimes fight against closed doors, although there are many open ones nearby. Today you have a key in your hands. Maybe, thanks to him, you will open new horizons for yourself and your loved ones. By carefully studying the script of the family, you can see the pitfalls and be able to avoid them! Teenage crisis. Very often we blame the teenage crisis for the lack of mutual understanding. “Here is the teenage crisis, teenagers, they are uncontrollable!” we say. Surprisingly, it is a fact that in the 17th century the teenage crisis in such a vivid form did not exist at all as such, and was completely absent as a phenomenon. Do you remember your pioneer childhood, was there a place for teenage crisis? No. And in the war and post-war years? There was no teenage crisis there either. Isn't it amazing? And there are quite a lot of such paradoxical and surprising moments in family relationships. From this book you will learn how not only to overcome, but even not to encounter this phenomenon. I want to tell you how to get past the teenage crisis. Often family relationships begin to be shaken because a person’s place in the family is simply not defined. Our children do not know where their place is, and we ourselves also have a very vague idea of ​​where it actually is. And even more, in the same vague way we assume our place in the family. But, you see, there must be a structure. Structure, base, skeleton. That on which everything rests, the foundation of the foundations. Any work, any sculpture, any creation (in the same way, a family is a creation of people who decided to create and create it) - everything must have a basis - a skeleton. Otherwise there will be no clear form. And if there is no such form, then the entire structure turns into a kind of jelly mass, into an amoeba, in which pseudopods periodically grow and a lot of problems arise with the coordination of movements. It happens that families come for a consultation, and you understand that now the entire structure of this family is completely destroyed or does not exist at all. And it’s not at all clear where they are going, what do they want? Then we sit down together and begin to sort it out. And that sparkle in the eyes that appears at this moment, understanding the process, understanding what is happening and building a new family path - this, of course, allows the family as a whole to take not just a step forward, not just a leap, but a colossal leap, movement towards a specific goal. In the right direction for this particular family. A clear family structure is the most important principle of good relationships! Second child. It happens that relationships with older children change when a second child appears. Yes, indeed, the relationship changes to a more complex one, the older child begins to behave differently, not as before (after all, his place is taken), he becomes mischievous, and capricious. Parents, naturally, have no time at this moment. After all, dad earns money for the family, and mom gives herself completely to the little man. How to find an opportunity to help an older child realize himself at this moment? After all, implementation is important for you and me. It is just as important for a child. Imagine that there once was a little man, everyone loved him, spoiled him, everything was for him. And then at one fine moment, suddenly (and for us this happens just suddenly! 9 months of pregnancy, as a rule, do not affect the older child in any way, except that he sees how his mother’s figure is changing), a brother or sister appears completely unexpectedly, and the joyfully smiling parents say: “Well, you were waiting for a brother or sister, you wanted it, didn’t you?!” How do you think a child might want to have another child? How should he perceive this? That’s what he wanted - just as he wanted and asked for a car or a doll! And after all of the above, parents completely switch their attention to the baby. Imagine if you were always fed delicacies, and then suddenly they give you, at best, chicken broth, or even just water and bread. This, of course, is also food! A good, useful, supportive life. But do you notice the difference? And this difference - it exists. How to make it so thatcould the child, the first child, independently find (produce) for himself the “food” that he needs? How can you ensure that your attention is distributed properly? After all, we often think that feeding is feeding, brushing is brushing, buying new things is all! You have fulfilled your parental duty! Well done! Then we say: “I take care of him, but he is so ungrateful,” that is, the more we give in material terms, the more, as a rule, we forget about spiritual warmth and mutual understanding. After all, worrying about the body - yes, it is vitally important, but worrying about the soul, about the inner world of the child, about what is happening there - this is also no less important. Internal warmth is what children and adults need to the same extent !Dominant instincts There are seven types of instinct - dominant, altruistic, instinct of procreation and preservation of the family, instinct of freedom, instinct of preserving self-esteem and research. In each person, from one to four instincts can prevail. Depending on which instincts and in what sequence prevail in a person, a person will make choices, build relationships, and his whole life will be colored by the influence of the instincts that prevail only in him. Each family consists of individual people, members of this very family, and, to Unfortunately, it happens that we live next to a person and have no idea what instincts dominate in him. On the basis of which he will always make exactly this choice. What motivates him? We only vaguely guess about this, we have no idea what is the brightest, most important for this person, and often we do not understand what happened to make him so angry, what fly bit him. But it is not the fly that is to blame for such a reaction, but the dominant instinct and value system of the person who lives next to us. This is how it turns out, as in Krylov’s famous fable “The Crayfish Swan and the Pike” - everyone pulls towards their values, everyone pulls in your direction. Why? Because everyone thinks that it is better to live the way that is better for me. Remember, the swan flew into the sky. Why? Because it comes naturally to him. Cancer kept moving backwards - because this is his way of moving in this life. The pike strove for water - because being out of water for a pike means death. Very often our families resemble just such a sketch - a swan, a crayfish and a pike pulling one cart. The cart cannot budge. And the point is not that they cannot agree, the point is that they simply do not understand and do not accept other ways. They cannot develop a common strategy. After all, in order to transport a cart, you must first determine the goal - where to transport it, and then decide on the means - how to transport it. In a family there is no such thing that is better, as it is better for me, in a family it should be, as it will be best for the entire FAMILY! When building relationships, it is necessary to take into account the dominant instincts of everyone. Chapter 4. What do they usually do and why do these methods not work? What methods of influence do we usually use, and why after these methods the influence is, as a rule, with zero results. Punishments in all their diversity Why do punishments not work? Because in order for them to work, a little bit is needed - so that a child, teenager or other family member understands why he is being punished. But punishment contains another very interesting aspect. It can only be effective if the person towards whom it is directed completely agrees with it. Any punishment implies the following statement: “You are bad! And therefore you deserve punishment,” but none of us, even those who do not love themselves, would ever, under any circumstances, want to be bad. Nobody ever considers themselves bad. That is why punishments are completely ineffective, because when punishing, you say “you are bad,” and each of us knows for sure that he is good, and that behind his actions there are completely different, non-sabotage, motives. After all, it's evennot in the action, but in its motives. And it is the motive, the desire, that needs to be seen. It is necessary to understand what prompted a person to commit a seemingly not very attractive act. So, for example, behind children's lies there is mainly a desire to look better in the eyes of a parent or teacher, plus the fear that no one will like the child the way he is. Behind every action there is a motive, see it and understand our parental duty! Punishments ruble."IF YOU DON'T... THEN I WILL NOT GIVE YOU...", for example, "if you don't wash the dishes, I won't buy you a new thing," and if you don't do this and that, then you won't have such and such. Here there is a connection to material values. And here it is important to look a step further - what follows from this? And a very interesting subtext follows - “when you can buy things for yourself, accordingly, you will no longer need (need) me,” that is, “I control you using material goods, and when you can provide yourself with these material goods on your own , accordingly, I will have nothing to manage - there will be no levers!” This is one of the most dangerous mistakes that can affect various aspects of family relationships, both the family that exists now and the one that will be created by the child later. The task of a parent is not to punish a child for the sake of punishment, but to make him understand his mistake! Demands, or “I want a return!” A very interesting exclamation, but what it specifically means and what this return should look like, we sometimes cannot explain to ourselves Can. And since we don’t know ourselves, then, accordingly, how can our loved ones guess about it? How can a child or spouse show their love and this most notorious bestowal towards you, if the appearance of your dear mother resembles the appearance of a monkey mother from a well-known cartoon, who has a bunch of little monkeys and she washes the dishes with one hand, washes them with the other, and with her foot vacuuming, plus he’s also trying to go to work. Such a mother does everything herself, and when she does everything herself, accordingly, there are no options that she needs someone else. She has responsibilities, and she fulfills them, and fulfills them quite successfully, but behind these responsibilities there is nothing spiritual, emotional or deep. Behind these responsibilities lies a wrong kind of caring. Taking care of the body. Dad looks almost the same. Coming home from work, tired and exhausted from work, he falls near the TV and says, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Uh-huh. Well, what do you even want from me? You see, dad is tired! What do you all want? Do you need me? Don’t you understand that I’m at work all day for you...", and so on. In both of these cases, caring for a family, child, or spouse comes down to being cared for like a pet. They washed him, took him to a veterinary hospital, gave him vaccinations, fed him, pet him. All! What else is needed? But you must admit, for some reason, despite all our love for pets and the presence or absence of them, everyone wants a good family. Maybe because we would like to see the family as something more than communication like with pets. And the attitude towards family members should be sincere and spiritual, and not at the level of come-saw-fed. Caring for both the body and the inner world, both your own and other family members, is the key to family happiness! Manipulation or conditional love .What does it look like? And like this: “all good girls help their mother,” or “all respectable fathers of the family do this,” or “if you were a good son (daughter, father, mother, wife, husband),” “if you do, you will Well done, smart." Why are manipulations not effective? Because in them you sell your love! Because you are selling relationships and saying that “you, my dear family member, are not valuable to me in themselves, you will be valuable to me only if...”. This very conditional love “only if” devalues ​​the very essence of relationships between people, between close people. And in response, which is completely natural, the same will suit youmost. The same conditional love - “I WILL LOVE YOU IF...” Do not trade your love! You can ask to do something, but you can’t buy the fulfillment of your desire for your love for your loved ones! Don’t do as I do, do as I say. I could go on for a long time on this fairly covered topic, but perhaps it’s not worth it. After all, each of us knows absolutely for sure, knows for ourselves, that the meaning in this educational technique is devoid of any sound grain. Moreover, no matter who this educational element is directed at. It's no secret that living next to each other, we all raise each other - children of parents, parents of children, spouses of each other, etc. This is how it turns out that demanding from a child (and not only) “don’t raise your voice at me” while raising your voice means only one thing - “don’t raise your voice at me YET. While you are too small for this. When you grow up, that is, when you get equal to me, then yes, you will have a chance." Accordingly, the fruits that come out of this are also very clear. As people say, aspen trees don’t produce oranges! Let’s see what follows from this. For example, everyone knows that drinking alcohol is, at a minimum, harmful. This leads to sad consequences. But despite this, most adults drink alcohol occasionally for one reason or another, on holidays or something else. You know, a terrible thing, psychologists conducted such an experiment - they asked children in kindergarten to play a holiday. And the first thing the children did was set the festive table and put pins of different colors and sizes on it, which symbolized bottles of champagne and other alcoholic drinks. They opened these symbolic bottles, poured them into children's plastic mugs, clinked glasses, drank, then sang songs and showed a drunken gait. And these are children 4-5 years old! THIS is the holiday in the perception of our children. At the same time, the parents themselves have a slightly different idea of ​​the holiday. But what are our holidays really like if this is what they look like to children? And then our children grow up, turn into teenagers, and we tell them that they shouldn’t drink, it’s harmful, and why do you drink alcohol? Well, why? Because they see it. Because, in their minds, this is a holiday, fun, etc. While allowing with your behavior, it makes no sense to prohibit with your words and demands! They must understand that... This is another solution that doesn’t work. What exactly do they need to understand? What is hard for you? How can another family member know this if he is not in your place? What else should our loved ones, our children, understand? What? That it’s hard for mom and dad and they have some kind of work? That they gave birth to you, but cannot devote time to you in order to rejoice at your discoveries together? This reliance on the fact that someone should understand something is actually unsustainable. Look, when you say “week” to a 2-year-old child, he already knows that there is morning, afternoon and evening. And you explain that there are seven days in a week, 4 weeks in a month, and 12 months in a year. For a child, these concepts are unknown; for him they are in no way connected with each other. Even for us, these are very abstract concepts that become accessible to us only in the process of life. After all, there is a day as a day, and there is a day as a time of day. And how can a child fit all this into his head if he has not encountered it? In the same way, no one is obliged to understand anything simply because many things become clear only when you encounter them and were a direct participant in the events. We ourselves have a very mediocre idea of ​​what we have not encountered, what we have not seen, heard, felt, or touched with our hands. If we have not lived it, then for us it lies in the realm of the unknown. Any demands must be expressed in a language that will be understandable to all parties! Anyone who knows the algorithm can find such a language: dominant instinct + values ​​+ correct, specifically for your family, innings. Chapter 5. What to do. This is probablythe second of a couple of the most common questions. Yes, indeed, creating a strong, happy family, devoid of the “joy” of protracted conflicts and mutual grievances, but instead filled with mutual understanding, common goals, love, as well as the ability to easily and together get out of various life situations does not happen by magic. This, no matter how trivial it may sound, is work. But you can also work in different ways. After all, in order to correctly build (we will continue to use this allegory) the wall of a house, you need to have knowledge of how to do it. It’s the same with the construction of family relationships. So, what needs to be done first? Determine the structure of your family. Identify family scenarios. Determine the dominant instincts and their interactions in family relationships. Consider the values ​​of your family. Realize, adjust or develop intra-family traditions. Develop and implement an algorithm for constructive communication between family members. Chapter 6. How to become happy parents of happy children. Do you really want to improve or change the relationships between members of your family? Are you not indifferent to the atmosphere that reigns in it? Do you want respect and understanding within the family? Then here is my proposal: “Happy parents of happy children” or how to make beautiful and harmonious relationships between members of your family. A program for creating and recreating strong family relationships for those who care about their own family and the atmosphere that reigns in it, based on the principles and methods of Complex Fairytale Therapy and methods for identifying the dominant instinct. You can really create the family you dreamed of! A family where there will be mutual understanding and no offense, there will be support and respect instead of rudeness and rejection! A family in which strong and warm relationships reign! If you are ready to devote 2 hours a day to this for 10 weeks, then the “Happy Parents of Happy Children” program will help make your family relationships beautiful and harmonious! A course on creating and recreating strong family relationships, for those who care about their own family and the atmosphere in it reigning, aimed at restoring connections between generations in the family (children-parents, parents-grandparents), based on the principles and methods of Complex Fairytale Therapy using the technique of identifying the dominant instinct. By purchasing the program you receive a Basic course Premium course - 10 lessons with a qualified specialist - family, not cohabitation - changing negative Generic scenarios - the opportunity to identify your dominant instinct and find out its influence on building family relationships. - methodological material that you can refer to at any time convenient for you - a qualitative change in relationships within the family and much more. -2 individual consultations with a specialist on issues that interest you And that’s not all!!! Bonuses have been prepared especially for you! Email support during the training and for a month after its completion! Individual approach to solving your problems! Chapter 7. About the author. I am a practicing psychologist. She graduated from the Moscow State Open Pedagogical University (now the Moscow State Humanitarian University), majoring in psychology. Later she studied at the St. Petersburg Institute of Fairy Tale Therapy. She worked as a psychologist in the education system for more than 6 years. Currently I am a leading specialist at the Family Center. I have more than 10 years of experience in the field of family counseling, working with children, adolescents and their parents. I sincerely believe that the collected folk wisdom, combined with current knowledge of psychology, will allow our civilization to be kinder, return the colors of real life to children and prevent them from watching the world through the monitor screen and look at the events in their lives through the phone camera. It will allow such a phenomenon as the teenage crisis to sink into oblivion, and between children and parents it will revive mutual understanding and).