A boy of about 10 wandered along the edge of the lawn in search of something important. It was not just a thing, but the salvation of humanity - a green stick. If you find her, then every person in the world will be happy forever. “Happiness for everyone, for free, and let no one leave offended” - of course, not literally, but that’s what our hero thought. But he grew up and, of course, forgot about his childhood fantasies. Why would he want to make someone happy? He himself has already become fully established, and that is quite enough for now. There is fame, wealth, a large family. By his forties, L.N. Tolstoy had achieved everything that the average person could dream of. But one day something happened and Lev Nikolaevich’s ideas about life changed greatly... Kolya was again covered. The whole body was feverish, the heart was pounding, there was not enough breathing. Death was coming closer and closer, it was squeezing Kolya’s chest, not allowing him to breathe. At the corner of his consciousness, Kolya understood that it was just another panic attack and everyone was saying that, they say, you won’t die from this. And, in general, this is only a symptom and you need to find its meaning, the cause, and receive some kind of individual message from yourself. Psychotherapists suggested that Kolya talk to an empty chair and reduce the significance of panic, breathe, and switch attention during an attack. Cardiologists carried out examinations and reported that he was healthy. Those close to him told Kolya to pull himself together and stop being a wuss. After all, he has everything for a good life, live and be happy! But all this did not help Kolya. At night he was left alone with this all-consuming horror, which did not allow him to sleep, lie calmly in bed, or breathe. If during the day Kolya could still calmly think about death, that yes, it will come to everyone. And that he is afraid of the unknown, of disappearance. And this does not allow him to live to the fullest, his only desire is to freeze, to hide somewhere, that death did not find him. But she comes almost every night and there is no escape. Just a huge black void with nothing to rely on. And this was no longer the kind of fear that can be talked about. It was the horror of immediate destruction, fear on an animal level. Kolya died at night and by dawn he was neither alive nor dead. Pale and weak, he was getting ready for work and thought that he would not last long like this. He was ready to take medication, he tried it, but his body refused to accept such help. Kolya was vomiting, had wild headaches, and was seeing double. He tried to endure, but at some point in time he realized that if before there was only panic, now it was happening against such a background and this worsened his condition even more. One day, after another attack, Kolya decided to come to terms with it. If he is destined to die one night, then so be it, for he no longer has the strength to fight. And for the first time, Kolya did not just wait for dawn, but fell asleep deeply and soundly. And he had a dream. It was summer, he stood in front of a beautiful white mansion and a white-headed boy handed him a green stick. Kolya woke up fresh and rested. Of course, he remembered this story about Lev Nikolayevich’s childhood research and the Arzamas horror that he experienced in the mid-life crisis. How was it? All night I suffered unbearably... I live, I lived, I must live, and suddenly death, the destruction of everything. Why life? Die? Kill yourself now? I'm afraid. To live, then? For what? To die. I didn’t leave this circle, I was left alone, with myself. “At least someone understands me...” thought Kolya. And in a strange way it became easier. He also remembered that doctor who looked at him sympathetically and persuaded him to continue taking antidepressants. There are people who experienced this themselves, like Lev Nikolaevich. Or doctors who care what happens to a person. After all, can a person afford to be weak? Stop playing the role of the hero who can do anything. But this is not easy to do when you hear from childhood: - stop whining, what are you doing, girl? Why is whining so bad? Show that you can’t cope, ask for help, for support? No need for advice, just be.