From the author: Psychologist Vladimir Rakovsky believes that the most difficult thing for a man and a woman is to understand each other and agree on their life goals. He told Piter.tv about why it is impossible to build successful, harmonious relationships, whether office romances are necessary and why the institution of marriage is dying. More details - Roman Romanov: Vladimir, today we agreed to talk about how to build successful relationships. I read on your website that one of your trainings is called “Harmoniously Successful Relationships.” I want to understand, what is this? What are the criteria for success? And how will we understand that we have achieved harmony? Vladimir Rakovsky: You see, the difficulty is that by “relationship” a man and a woman usually mean different things. Successful relationships for women usually mean marriage to a successful man. And by harmonious relationships between women they mean that this successful man will love them, take care of them, care for them, cherish them, and so on. Therefore, for women it is cobbled together. If you marry, then to a prince on a white horse. And the prince must have a certain set of qualities, demonstrate these qualities, and so on. And then she seems to listen to such a man. Well, our mentality is so strange, after all, our women are not used to being in charge. Patriarchy. Women want to see a strong but kind man with them. They don't just want a successful relationship, they say that they will miss the love there. I don’t want a harmonious relationship “with just anyone,” that is, I want a strong man. And it seems that “successful and harmonious” are relationships that are developing, the man is already successful, or strives to become successful. And then the woman seems to help him with this to the best of his ability. And harmonious ones - because they are built not only on some kind of joint project, teamwork, but also on feelings for each other. And it turns out that a man must simultaneously strive for success and provide for the woman and the future in which she sees herself, and on the other hand, show her the fullness of his feelings - love her so that she feels happy. To be honest, it's complete nonsense. R.R.: So this doesn’t happen in life? V.R.: This happens in life. But, you see, how can I tell you... Men understand successful and harmonious relationships in a completely different way. R.R.: What? V.R.: By successful relationships, they mean successful relationships. And by harmonious, they mean an unburdened, easy relationship with a woman who “doesn’t burden him.” R.R.: What does it mean: “By successful relationships, they mean successful relationships”? V.R.: If a man wants to succeed in his career, then he chooses, let’s say, either partners or a team with whom he works. But, as a rule, office romances lead to people’s relationships collapsing. Because a problem in a couple leads to problems at work. Therefore: do not sleep where you work and do not work with those you sleep with - smart men adhere to this rule. Because otherwise you can destroy both. And women, of course, want to see their man by their side in everything. A problem arises: some want one thing, others another, and they just can’t build two in one. R.R.: Okay. How then can these two fundamentally different pictures be combined? At what points can they converge? V.R.: Very simple. When we work together on one project, there is the concept of a team. And there is the concept of a leader. And accordingly, if there is a leader in the team, either explicit or implicit, either authority or not authority, then this leader forces this team to work in the direction in which, in fact, the project exists. If we are building, roughly speaking, a secure future, then the leader or manager, in principle, pushes everyone there. But there is no such thing as a harmoniously working team. There is always some kind of showdown, some kind of correction going on there, that is, it is quite a conflict environment. But it helps to develop. If they are working there at this momentspouses, their personal relationships fall apart. R.R.: Is this necessary? Or is the probability very high? V.R.: The probability is high, because, as a rule, women cannot separate: here you and I have a working relationship, and here we have a home relationship. Because a man at work can be one thing, but he comes home, switches and seems to be completely different. But often in the mentality of Russian reality, people at home continue to discuss problems at work. If spouses work together, then, as a rule, there is a misunderstanding at work, where, in principle, you need to keep your face, you still have to work somehow, at home these frameworks do not exist. Sometimes misunderstandings and resentments that occur while working together are brought home, and at home they already sort things out: which one of them is a bastard? R.R.: Listen, Vladimir, just the day before yesterday I read a book by your colleague, psychologist Mikhail Letvak, and he names three criteria for a successful marriage. The first criterion is good sex. The second is sensory-emotional interaction, a stable sensory-emotional connection. But the third criterion is precisely participation in a joint project, joint work, or work in similar areas, in similar positions. He says this is very important for a successful, collaborative marriage. Don't you agree? V.R.: You see, if we talk about business processes, then in business teams there is a concept of a common goal. And, as a rule, when people get together and start working on something, they first discuss everything. That is, it is better to first agree and then get into the same boat. So that there is no misunderstanding in the process. Otherwise, the team can fall apart. And this business approach, it is, in principle, correct, if we understand a successful marriage as a marriage of convenience, where there are not feelings, but calculation, planning and the understanding that we are partners in some common business. Such relationships are strong, such relationships are strong. Because there will be claims against each other only in the event of failure to fulfill some obligations that we initially discussed, agreed upon, and then everyone contributes to this project. R.R.: But? You speak as if there is a “but!” V.R.: Yes. But there are no feelings there. R.R.: Vladimir, how can a woman understand: with whom to start building a relationship, and with whom it is better not to get involved? Are there any criteria? V.R.: Very simple. If a woman feels intuitively or understands with her mind that she can control either this man or this relationship. No woman would sit in an out-of-control car. They are not suicides. But in essence, the secret of a successful, happy relationship is based on the fact that a man knows how to be patient and calm, and calmly endures women’s emotional upheavals. Without blaming her for losing control of herself, she is not behaving like that... My opinion is that a woman should just be loved. You and I have one very simple function: the biological purpose of men is to help women. R.R.: What is “women’s leadership”? Do you have a whole section on women's leadership on your website? Still, can a woman be a leader in a relationship or not? V.R.: She is always a leader. But hidden. R.R.: Women's leadership – what is it? V.R.: She is trying to twist the man. R.R.: How? V.R.: Well, how? Taking him out of balance. When a man loses his balance and calm, he is very easy to control. R.R.: What about conflicts? How to deal with friction? Because after some time, friction and conflicts naturally begin in a relationship. How to resolve them? V.R.: Stay in this boat. R.R.: Just endure and experience it? V.R.: No. You can throw it overboard. You can jump out yourself. There are any number of solutions here. The only question is that before getting into one boat, you need to have a very good idea of ​​where we are going to sail and who I want to put in this boat. Or if a woman is asking for a relationship, then it would be good to find out where she is going to row, what exactly is required of me, and choose a rowing partner so that we do not have psychological conflicts. Not all peoplepsychologically compatible. There may be two leaders. R.R.: You’re telling me that the woman herself doesn’t know where she wants to go. V.R.: Correct. R.R.: Listen, but you are now portraying to me some kind of hopeless situation, when a man cannot do anything in a relationship, and a woman cannot do anything in a relationship. V.R.: Because people, as a rule, choose partners who are similar to themselves, and conflicts arise between them. No exit. Life is all about understanding which partners to choose and where to move together. That's all. And here is this wisdom, or rather understanding: who is worth doing business with, and who is just worth having fun with, with whom to have friendly relations, non-binding, and who I can trust, and the person will harness for me. And this, probably, is what constitutes the process of growing up for men. From boy to young man to young man and so on. Men, they have wisdom. Do you understand? Again, based on my own experience. Don't make mistakes. Women, again, also have wisdom - they do not repeat previous mistakes. Therefore, when they reach a more mature age, they approach the selection of a partner for a harmonious relationship or a successful relationship more carefully, calculating all the pros and cons. R.R.: Here’s something else I want to ask you about. When a relationship begins, a person is in an endorphin haze, his mind is turned off. How can he turn his mind back on? Because maybe it’s not worth starting this relationship? What to do? V.R.: You understand, at this moment the person does not want to jump into the boat. At this moment a person wants to jump into a pleasure boat and have a little fun there. Do you understand? Where a person seeks adventure, one must be aware that I am seeking adventure for myself. Where I look for joy and fullness of feelings, love - this is called “romance”. You don’t have to agree that we will live long and help each other through thick and thin. Do you understand, right? And before taking on such obligations, you generally need to think: “Will a person take on the same obligations?” Then this is already a partnership. If I can trust my partner that we will be bad, we will be good, we will offend or we will do something else, we will still be together. And the other person will understand with understanding that now somehow everything has gone wrong. This means really approaching the choice of a partner sensibly, meaningfully and understanding with whom you can agree and with whom you can not agree, because it’s still useless. R.R.: Do I understand you correctly that there are as many images of successful relationships as there are people? And everyone has their own happiness? V.R.: You know what Tolstoy, in my opinion, said, right? R.R.: “All happy people are equally happy.” V.R.: Yes. And the unfortunate ones... R.R.: In their own way. V.R.: In my own way. Unfortunately, happy relationships are few and far between. Very little. And, as a rule, these are relationships between people who have overcome many difficulties together. For some reason, the difficulties we have experienced together bring us closer together. Psychologists know this very well. Do you understand, right? Here. As a rule, problems arise when people run into some obstacles that they did not expect at all. And then, in fact, the very compatibility of the characters is checked. R.R.: Vladimir, based on your experience, can you say that now marriage, as such, is one of the conditions, one of the criteria for successful, harmonious relationships? Or not? V.R.: No. R.R.: Why? V.R.: You know, marriage, as a rule, is still a partnership. And partnership now, let’s say, is not a criterion for success. Now for some reason the concept is more accepted when a person strives to achieve everything alone and prove to everyone that he is great. Do you understand? R.R.: Does it lose value for both men and women? V.R.: You see, this is a necessary stage in the development of society. Because we started, in general, with individualism, then moved to collectivism. And it seems like a lot of ideas were built on the fact that we are all together. And now again on individuality. It seems like it turns out to be prestigious: to prove to everyone that I myself, I don’t owe anything to anyone. A.