From the author: Everything I write about is the result of understanding personal and therapeutic experience. All articles and notes are the author's. Please keep this in mind if you want to share them. Marital fidelity - what does this concept mean for a modern family? Do modern couples consider it necessary to remain faithful to each other? And in the 21st century, we still expect fidelity from our partners, we painfully experience betrayal, and betrayal often becomes the reason for the breakdown of relationships. Natalya Emshanova, a fairytale therapist and psychologist at the Line of Fate center, talks about the psychology of marital fidelity and infidelity. What is treason? Any betrayal is always a desire for something new, which does not appear out of nowhere. For women, cheating is most often associated with a desire for renewal. In analytical psychology, the archetype of the “woman-beloved” is distinguished. This means that in a relationship with a man, the “beloved” acts according to a certain principle: attracting a partner, keeping him and renewing the relationship. You can achieve this renewal with your partner, but to do this you need to be able to change yourself, just as a snake changes its skin. This is an ideal option for a relationship, because such a woman will always be interesting to her partner. But sometimes it’s easier for a woman to find a new man and with him realize her desire for newness. She remains the same, but for other men she is new every time. It turns out that the need is one, but the ways to achieve it are different. It is no coincidence that betrayal most often does not happen in the first year of a relationship. The first year is a kind of “duel in tango rhythm”. During this period, partners find out the boundaries of what is permissible in relation to each other, quarrel, make peace; at this stage there is always a lot of intrigue, enthusiasm, and drive. At the next stage, a desire already arises to defend one’s own “territory”, to have one’s own little secret, and often it is during this period that betrayal occurs. As a rule, a married woman decides to cheat if she really likes the man, that is, female cheating is most often involved in feelings. Another reason why a woman can cheat is the desire to take revenge on the partner who caused pain. However, psychologists warn: this is a destructive path that will not bring relief, but can lead to depression. For men, everything is somewhat different. It would be incorrect to speak unequivocally about the tendency of men towards polygamy. In order to understand the psychology of male infidelity, you need to look deep into history. From century to century, men, according to their occupation, were divided into rulers, warriors, merchants, peasants, etc. Behavioral archetypes have not disappeared today, so modern men can also be conditionally divided into these types. A “monarch” man is a successful, powerful man. He has a “queen” in his life - the mother of his children, the mistress of the house, but he also has “concubines”. Such a man attracts women, but he has already made his choice, and will never leave his wife for his mistress. Male “peasants” are very family-oriented. These are thorough, homely men who take care of the home, children, and value public opinion. Such men are practically incapable of betrayal. For male “warriors”, women are territory that needs to be conquered and moved on; for them it is a hunt. At the same time, these men are usually wildly jealous and expect absolute fidelity from their partners. “Merchants” really like to charm women, they live playfully, get married late, and if they get married, then the chosen one must be a truly enchanting woman for such a man to remain faithful to her. Do you recognize your man in any of the types? Think about whether you are ready to put up with his “weaknesses” if betrayal is part of his character. If this is his only “flaw”, perhaps you will find it possible to accept this pattern of behavior. If you are not ready to put up with this, then it is better to part with such a man - this is not the hero of your novel. It’s another question if a naturally loyal man suddenly suddenly began to look “to the outside.” For a woman this is a signal:It's time to pay attention to yourself, to update something in yourself! Instead, some women often fall into the image of the “victim”, while others become the “avenger”. Negative emotions in both cases overwhelm. A wise woman in this situation will take care of herself. If a husband has lost interest in his wife, this is a reason for her to think not only about whether the man next to her is the right one, but also about what is wrong with her. We can talk about betrayal only when people have agreed on mutual fidelity and have introduced certain family rules. If these boundaries are not defined, there are no rules, then there is no betrayal. Ideas about the boundaries of what is permitted and what is considered cheating may differ among partners, so it is very important that complete clarity is achieved on this issue. For most men, cheating on a partner is physical cheating. As a rule, this situation is acutely experienced, but at the same time a man may not consider his own easy sexual relationships to be betrayal. Be that as it may, people consciously or unconsciously expect fidelity from each other. Many of us are ready to offer our loyalty to our partner and expect the same from him. So-called “open” marriages, which imply open relationships, a priori cannot last long. Freedom as a value must certainly be present in marriage, but it must be freedom of a completely different kind. You need to understand that the partner has the right to his own interests. There is no need to make a tragedy out of the fact that your husband goes to football or goes fishing; it is better to devote this time to communicating with friends in a cafe. Such freedom presupposes the trust of spouses in each other. Everyone is responsible towards their partner. Such relationships are built gradually and go through different stages. Freedom, in a distorted understanding, resembles elementary sexual promiscuity. Is it worth telling your partner about cheating? A difficult question that everyone decides for themselves. In any case, if you decide to have this conversation, then the reason should not be just the desire to ease your own soul or, worst of all, to hurt your partner. You need to understand that discovered betrayal often becomes the cause of divorce, because the seeds of mistrust are now sown in everyone’s soul. If a couple goes through this, it means their view of their partner becomes different. In order for the couple not to break up after betrayal, both need to learn the necessary lessons from this situation and grow spiritually. In this situation, a visit to a specialist is indicated. It is not always necessary to do this in pairs. There can be a lot of negative emotions, so often a psychologist works with each partner separately or even with one person (most often, a woman). This is a long, serious work that lasts more than one month. Remember the fairy tale about “Bluebeard”? So, dear women, before you go looking for evidence of infidelity, think about whether you are mentally prepared for what you might find out? There is no need to check your husband’s phone, his email, etc., especially if you understand that you are not ready to do at least something constructive with the information received. Of course, you shouldn’t blindly wear “rose-colored glasses,” but trust must be present in a relationship. In order to “not be excruciatingly painful” in the future, you should take a closer look at your partner even before marriage. No matter what men say, it is not the man who chooses his wife, but the woman who chooses her husband, the father of her future children. Therefore, you need to check your relationship for fidelity before the wedding, and not after it. Life unfolds many testing situations for the couple. Despite being in love, you need to be attentive and honest, first of all, with yourself and notice the negative aspects. Remember: during the courtship period, when winning a woman, a man shows her ALL the best that he is capable of. Therefore, it would be a colossal mistake on the part of a woman to hope that after the wedding he will change for the better. Will not change! If there was a situation of betrayal before marriage, then it can only get worse. This must either be understood and accepted, or one must decide that this.