From the author: This is a short essay about what can happen in the process of working with a psychologist and what are the reasons for this work. A young woman turned to a psychologist with the following situation: it is difficult for her to build normal relationships with parents, they irritate and stress her very much when they come to visit. She practically cannot talk to them calmly; there is too much in their behavior that she does not like and is outraged by. The girl, let's call her Rada, left her hometown after graduating from school, studied, built a career, earned money, bought her own home, was married once, but by the time she contacted a psychologist she had separated from her first husband and was living in a civil marriage with another person. I was I am delighted with the client’s activity and determination, with how much she managed to do herself. With the same activity and determination with which she had previously earned money in order to be able to live in the city she liked, she now wanted to sort out her relationship with her parents, primarily with her mother. Rada herself understood that this was more a question of relationships with “ internal image" of the mother than the real relationship with the mother. After all, they don't live together. In addition, the girl was bothered by the fact that she saw some of her mother's traits in herself, and she did not like it. She also planned to give birth to a child after some time and thought about what kind of mother she herself would be. Like many modern people, she saw the “mistakes” her mother made in raising her and was worried about avoiding their repetition. Therefore, we agreed with Rada on two tasks of our work: 1) clarify and build relationships with the internal image of the mother; 2) understand how the qualities that will become the qualities of a good mother are now manifesting in her (or what interferes with these qualities). During our conversations, a wonderful detail emerged: if we separate how I experience the relationship with my mother and how I I worry when I tell someone about what my mother is like - these are different experiences. Interestingly, the second one causes much more outrage. It is not the relationship itself that causes indignation, but its assessment from the point of view of modern culture inherent in a girl. When we found the words to describe what Rada needs from her mother, then something else emerged: many of these needs can be satisfied by other people. And there is no point in tugging at an elderly woman who does not have many vital resources, and who herself needs help, and being indignant at her habits. At this point, the idea that mom owed Rada something fell apart. It was as if she was expecting, like a child, the candy promised for good behavior and never received. We gave special attention to the fact that the girl spent a lot of effort on learning certain patterns, rules of habits in the family, then spent time to understand that this doesn’t work in modern society, then it takes time and effort to “remake” yourself. And now he is getting used to his new qualities. And she finds it difficult to be around the fact that her parents remain the same. They didn't change themselves. And this is the difference between daughters and parents. And everyone has the right to their own way of life. From the point of view of psychological theory, the girl’s strong emotional reaction to the behavior, lifestyle and habits of her parents (especially her mother) is explained by the fact that, having found herself in another subculture, Rada sharply condemned her past way of life and thinking. Although, of course, she could not change completely and continued to carry within herself part of what she assessed as undesirable or bad. Next, a psychological mechanism begins to work, which psychologists call projection. Everything that a person has forbidden himself to do irritates another with exaggerated force. Because the impulse for these actions remains within oneself. In order not to see the unwanted in your soul, you need to see it in someone else. Parents are an ideal object for this. And, of course, in such situations, the lack of the skill to worry always plays a role.