From the author: I’m thinking about this somehow... Former clients of mine Today, while sitting on the train, I received an SMS from my client. A meaningless SMS - a wish for a safe journey. I am both pleased and sad at the same time. It's nice because he remembers my departure. It’s sad because I asked several times not to do this. But nothing changes, and when I make an appointment for the next meeting, he is certainly interested in where I am going when I return. He's never paranoid. He's just used to it because he has an ex. Former therapist... A therapist who suddenly, without warning, could leave for a month. A therapist who might not open the door, but then call back and say: “Come back in 40-50 minutes, I’m not free yet.” The therapist who could return from a trip and report: “We are practicing 3 times this week.” Therefore, despite the discussion of my work schedule and clear agreements, this adult - but inside a small, weak person, frightened by the instability of this world - every time writes to me on FB, VK or Viber, sends SMS. Because in addition to his own attachment traumas, he had retraumatization. Retraumatization by a former therapist. Sometimes “virgin” clients come to me - those who have not had any therapeutic experience, and, accordingly, no previous relationship with a specialist. And for the first time we are going through this difficult path together: acquaintance, concluding a contract, marking boundaries, ups and downs on the swing of transfers... But sometimes my client had someone before me. And sometimes not alone. And then our relationship is also “loaded” with previous experience - the experience of working with the previous therapist. And the client does not always immediately talk about this - although I always ask at the first meeting whether he turned to a psychologist... psychotherapist... narcologist for help... psychiatrist...I ask because it is important to understand: Has the client had previous experience of therapy? If so, how does the client evaluate it? Why and how did his relationship with the therapist end?1. The topic is not easy. In this topic, I have several reactions at once. If he left one therapist, then he can leave me too. On the one hand, I always remember that “All our meetings are, alas, destined for separation...” But on the other hand, some background anxiety arises, because the client already has such experience, and he can leave me for various reasons :Because I made a therapeutic mistake/mistakes, did not understand him, was not insightful enough, empathetic enough, etc. Because I am not suitable for him: “love either happens or it doesn’t.” He wants another therapist - older, younger, male, CPT... Because with me he is ending a relationship that has, excuse the tautology, a relationship with a former therapist. And then this is a classic of the genre “Punishing the innocent and rewarding the innocent.” Previously, I simply ticked off this fact. There was a therapist - before me. All that matters is “here and now.” But over the years of work, I realized that it would be too easy and simple. Having been delving into a relationship with my mother for years, it is unacceptable to ignore the person who was also digging in this garden - and sometimes not together with the client, but instead of the client, and not with an archaeological brush, but with a powerful excavator...2. Therefore, the following question is now of particular importance: how exactly did he leave his “ex”? With gratitude or with anger, resentment, contempt? Perhaps one of them moved, and therapy was interrupted precisely for this reason. Perhaps the therapist fell ill or left the practice... I will never know exactly what happened there. I only find out my client's version. At the same time, I understand very well that at least two people always participate in contact and both are invested in the relationship. And I always deal with a version that has been subject to distortion, mythologization, erasures... But nevertheless, some facts are just facts, no matter how much I want to ignore them. And understanding these facts greatly facilitates therapy. Example. Alexander, 36 years old. I only knew that “before me” for three years he visitedfemale psychotherapist. From the first sessions, Alexander regularly interrogated me about my personal life: what, with whom, why... Each time I clarified: what he himself thinks about me, where this question comes from, and I was amazed how such a powerful transference could develop from the first meeting... I I wasn’t interested in the relationship between Alexander and the former therapist - there seemed to be no point. But the picture came together in small pieces. It turned out that the previous therapist was so involved in his life that she decided where he should go on vacation, who he should meet (and she arranged dates for him), in which area to buy a house... And after a while I found out that they have all this sexual relations existed for a time. The therapist was much older than Alexander, and he perceived her as an unshakable authority. The problems began when she forbade Alexander to meet the girl he liked, categorically cutting off: “She’s not right for you.” We came up with the topic of relationships with a former therapist by accident - when Alexander asked in a trembling voice if I slept with my male clients. Exploring where he got this idea not only sheds light on some of his anxiety about our setting, but also provides insight into his defensive processes. This was my first case where I realized from my own experience that there are universal laws. Just as in family therapy we rely on the understanding that a person cannot create a healthy partnership if he is not differentiated from the family of origin and previous relationships - for example, with ex-spouses or lovers - so in individual therapy it is difficult to build an alliance, ignoring previous therapeutic experiences client.3. Sometimes I listen to a client's story with his ex, and I have a desire to be a good therapist - as if I automatically enter into competition with the previous specialist and want to do for the client what the one who came before me did not do. Of course, after a while I realize that this is a completely automatic reaction, and I’m embarrassed to admit it, but it happens. I start comparing myself to someone I don't know. I have no idea about the style of work or what was happening... But if I don’t keep track, I have every chance of being included in the “fatal triangle” named after the unforgettable Stephen Karpman. I understand that similar feelings arise when you want to become “good enough” parent" for the client. On the one hand, the childhood stories of those who seek help are filled with pain, rejection, neglect, violence, exploitation, loneliness and emptiness. On the other hand, by becoming not a symbolic parent, lover or friend in the protected space of therapy, but by trying to cross this fragile line, breaking into the client’s reality, I risk not only not helping, but also, on the contrary, destroying the fragile identity that the client has been forming throughout for many years. His inner world, overflowing with bad, destructive, dead objects, already contains many traces of Thanatos. And I see my task as being there, observing, helping with my presence - and not trying to bring a wheelbarrow of my own bricks and pour them outside the client’s drafty internal building. Because I never know what is right - to repair or dismantle to the foundation, and then build again. And to understand, it takes time. On the one hand, Sigmund Freud himself violated the strict rules of the analytical setting that he himself invented - he treated the Wolf Man for free, accompanied a client to a ball... But we have friends for friendship, relatives and loved ones for close relationships ... You shouldn’t put clients in this category... And when he talks about “evil exes” - therapists, parents, friends, employers - it is important to treat this empathetically, with empathy, sympathy, attention - but as part of his narrative, his story, his inner world. And don’t try to compete, be better, save... It’s enough to just BE CLOSE.4. When working with “experienced clients” who have up to.