From the author: ... “Henpecked” is when I’m not happy that some man listens to another woman. And when it’s my man, he’s not “henpecked” . He just loves me very much." -- A systematic view of the issue of family roles. - Who is a “henpecked”? Where do they come from? - Let's immediately understand the terms? “Henpecked” is a negative value judgment. A man will never call himself that, and his wife is unlikely to call him that. Therefore, when we say “henpecked,” we are talking about some kind of couple in which we condemn the man. Who owns this assessment? And what will we talk about then? - Perhaps the closest people see the man as “henpecked”? Do they see his weakness? Or does the man himself think about himself, see himself as weak, and it is easier for him to submit? - Does the man himself suffer from this? Or do we not like these people, but everything is fine with them? If this is so, then this is a completely different transmission, called “envy”... If we talk about couple relationships, then there is a type of relationship when it is easier for a man if a woman tells him what to do. Because as a child, his mother told him what to do and stopped his initiative in various ways. Then it’s easier for this boy to discover a more powerful girl in his environment, so that she can intercept her mother’s initiative and then spend her entire life telling him what to do. It is unlikely that anyone will suffer greatly in this case, because if a person has a deficiency of initiative, then such a person needs a partner who will intercept this initiative. ... For example, this man was raised by his mother and grandmother, and it was convenient for them that their boy was “for them”, would do what he was told and obey. And they did it without really thinking about it. And then he, too, without much thought, chooses a girl or woman who, also without much thought, chooses him because she grew up in a family of powerful women, and they will live absolutely happily all their lives. A little swearing, of course, in some of the same styles that they used to squabble in their parental families, but, in general, everyone will be absolutely happy and will live completely happily all their lives. Because when in such a couple it turns out that some kind of decision needs to be made, it turns out that the man is not ready for this or simply does not want to. And then he comes to his wife and says to her: “Darling, what do you think?”, and she replies: “Perhaps like this.” And everyone is happy with it. But they don’t talk in terms of “henpecked”, “not henpecked”. They say: “We have a harmonious relationship.” - Like this? “Just try to imagine the context in which this name-calling is born.” “You are henpecked,” someone on the outside should say, who is not happy with how things are going in this couple. For example, this could be said by this man's mother, who is unhappy that now there is another woman who tells him what to do instead of her. And then she says: “He’s henpecked.” And here an interesting question arises: where do henpecked people come from? It all comes from the same place: at first his mother told him what to do, and now he got married, and his wife tells him what to do, and, of course, his mother is not happy. But you just had to start telling him a little earlier, “Son, think for yourself, decide for yourself, agree for yourself,” and then something would have been different. - Is it possible to put an equal sign between a henpecked man and a weak man? - Here we move from one value judgment to another value judgment. What is "weak"? Weak for what? In fact, in order to get another person to make decisions for you, you need to manipulate him, and to do this you need to be very strong in a certain sense. There is, for example, a type of relationship where one person controls others not directly, but with the help of somatic messages. For example, a wife says to her husband: “Darling, your mother came today, and she talked to me so much that I couldn’t stand on my feet all day after that. I had a vascular crisis after her arrival. I don't even know what to do." Or“Darling, your friends are such wonderful people. They sang their camp songs so amazingly half the night, I adore it all so much. True, I now have a monstrous headache, but that’s okay.” Do you understand? Should a person be strong or weak if the whole family gets up and starts rushing around trying to arrange things so that this person feels good? Men do all this too, but it looks a little different. For example, he tells her: “Darling, I really want you to be satisfied. Once, when I bought something myself, you were unhappy, another time, when I bought something else, you were unhappy again. Of course, I can buy a sofa myself, but I’m very afraid to buy the wrong one. Will you come with me? Is he weak or strong if he cannot buy a sofa himself? Or he’s just smart and knows that he will be “more valuable to himself.” In fact, we can never see inside a couple unless we are part of it. And if people live together for 10 years, it’s convenient for them. And if they live together for 20 years, they are made for each other. And if he tells her: “You have bullied me, deprived me of initiative,” and she answers him: “That’s because you’re henpecked,” they’ve just adapted and live like that, it’s so convenient for them. - How do weak-willed men fall into this category? - This is, first of all, a family model. I wouldn't call anyone weak-willed. This is how people adapt. If a man is more comfortable with a woman making decisions for him, this is not weakness, but an adaptation. This is a way of coexistence. And, most often, the easiest way to create your relationship is to recreate the family model. A boy who grew up with his mother and grandmother and has never seen a man, he has no idea how male-female relationships can be built when a man takes care of a woman, because initially he and his mother had reverse subordination, and she took care of him. If mom never got married, she didn’t have a regular boyfriend, she didn’t have male friends, if she never interacted with men like a woman in front of this boy, then he has no idea how it can be when the main family - not a woman. Moreover, women who raised their children themselves are forced to cope with everything and have a strong character. Then such a boy does not have the image of a man who makes serious decisions instead of a woman. And if such a situation arises, and a woman is concerned about what to do with her son so that he does not remain a son forever, then at some point she needs to do some serious work and make some decisions. - Which? - For example, that she gives her son some issues to solve and does not control. And these questions are becoming more and more numerous. And this must start on time. Or - she asks him to do something and does not criticize him, but thanks him. Or she admits that he knows how to do something better, and this is not just opening cans and holding the entrance door. And this is not easy; such a restructuring requires serious work on oneself and a high level of self-awareness. This is much more difficult than continuing to command and control. - And if a man comes from a matriarchal family, and his wife, seeing this, wants to remake him... Is this possible? - It seems to me that we are constructing an impossible situation. If she married him, that means she's happy with it. She doesn't want to change him. This does not mean that they will not quarrel from time to time, but all this will be within the framework of their family patterns. - So, it's impossible? - Why would she suddenly want to remake it? This can happen in a family where the wife or husband went to psychotherapy or began to study psychotherapy. Then one of them suddenly begins to become aware of himself, but can no longer stop. And then suddenly the wife realizes how tired she is of responsibility. Her mother decided everything all her life, and she decides everything all her life, and she chose a husband for herself who doesn’t want to decide anything. And then she may begin to discuss it with her husband. The question is how ready the husband will be for dialogue at this level. If it turns out that they are both intelligent and self-critical people, then between themsuch a dialogue may happen. She will tell him: “You know, I’m tired of deciding everything.” And he will answer: “Yes, indeed, you decide everything with us, and I’m only lying and manipulating you when I tell you, “darling, let’s go behind the sofa.” And then he will say: “Oh! Now we need to change everything!” It is still unknown how this conversation will end. Maybe they will get divorced. Or maybe they will have an explosion, and then everything will be new. In my opinion, such feats are accomplished by 1 in 500 families because it is much easier to live as usual and not change anything. - Do you remember the film “Pokrovsky Gates”? - Wonderful movie. Khobotov secretly went to a psychologist. Otherwise, it is completely incomprehensible how such rapid personal growth happened to him. I see quite a lot of first, second, third marriages. In life it usually happens like this: Khobotov divorces Margarita Pavlovna and marries the young and beautiful Lyudochka. The man exclaims: how happy I am now. And the young and beautiful Lyudochka grows up a little, and it turns out that she is also Margarita Pavlovna. That is, the Pokrovsky Gate is a fairy tale: Khobotov secretly went to a psychologist, realized what kind of family model he had, realized that he was already disgusted by it, destroyed it and created other relationships, harmonious, on equal terms, and with a high level of intimacy. This almost never happens in life. Here Margarita Pavlovna is drawn like a real one. And Savva Ignatich too. Because Savva Ignatich is the same Khobotov, only his hands grow where they need to. Upgrade. - What factors should influence a man so that he understands that he is not a “trembling creature”? - Dramatic changes usually occur to people as a result of serious stress or personal practices. You need a serious misfortune, shock, loss that will greatly affect a person’s life, and he will have to reconsider a lot. Then there is a possibility that he will become different. Not necessarily, but it happens. In half my life I have met 2-3 such people. Not enough, especially considering that in my practice I see exactly those people among whom such changes are possible. In order for a couple to change the relationship model in which they exist, a very serious level of discomfort must arise in them. Why does it suddenly arise? Something very serious needs to happen. If spouses are complementary and well suited to each other, they will live like this all their lives. - Yes. Sometimes a wife writes notes to her husband all her life about what she needs to buy, but he buys everything only according to the list... - That's right. And it’s completely clear why this makes everyone feel good. The husband is not concerned about the grocery list, and the wife feels good because she doesn’t go shopping for them. And what's wrong with that? “Henpecked” is when I am not happy that some man listens to another woman. And when this is my man, he is not henpecked. He just loves me very much. - Can a man deliberately relax and shift all responsibility onto a woman? - “On purpose” in the sense of consciously? I think no. Any behavior in the family is an unconscious adherence to the family model. If we look at all of us and our behavior more broadly, we will see that the normal distribution works (as everywhere else). Gaussian. There are very few very stupid people and very few very smart people, but basically we are all average. Very smart people understand well how they and other people work, and then they can consciously model their behavior depending on the situation: behave in one way with some people and in a different way with others. But basically people live the way they are used to, and they think very little about it. - How not to raise a henpecked person? - Let's start with where they come from. Two options. Such a boy had no men in his family: his father, his mother’s friends, his uncle, and even no martial arts section or hiking club. Then this boy is accustomed to obeying a woman and does not know any other way. If he does not reflect on himself, then he automatically reproduces this model: he finds a woman who is responsible for him and tells him what to do. The second option is that dad is there, but he shows him this model. And then weWe have two options for the development of this situation. First: the mother is so big that she takes up the entire inner life of this boy. Then such a man does not marry at all, he is afraid of women, and creates rather child-parent relationships with them, because he does not feel like a man at all. In the second case, he marries the woman who controls him. -Where should I start? - First you need to understand the situation in which the woman and her son find themselves. After all, there are many women who simply don’t think about it. After this, such a woman needs to try to discover respect for men in herself. If a woman lives alone, this will be very difficult to do. Because it’s no coincidence that she lives alone? Or men abandoned her, and she hates them for it. Or she abandoned them herself and now she despises them for it. Respect will not be easy to discover, and psychotherapy will help her here. That is, in order not to raise a submissive man, the mother of her son should figure out what is wrong in her attitude towards men. Because if her honest attitude towards men is: “All men are bad,” her son automatically ends up there, and things are bad. After all, it’s impossible to separate these two things: men are bad, but my son is not? Or is my son also bad because he is a man? And then guess how he will grow up? And when a woman discovers respect for men, and for her son in particular, then it will not be difficult to see what her son specifically needs so that he can rely on himself and make decisions. Then obvious things will begin: more freedom, less control, more and more freedom, less and less control. She will begin to support him, take responsibility for his actions, help him develop, support him to learn new things, control him less, not criticize him for his initiative, or do it only constructively... and so on. If all this happens, then the boy will find everything for himself: spaces where there are men, hiking, sports, his own affairs, and she won’t come there and criticize, won’t say: “You were with those guys again”? - Why are there more and more henpecked people? - To claim that there are more and more of them, you need to conduct a special study, which I did not conduct. I have a very unique job, which consists of very specific people. But something can be speculated about. There are obvious numbers. For example, over the last hundred years (since women began to receive education en masse, the number of divorces has increased greatly. That is, while a woman could neither read, nor write, nor earn money, but only knew how to give birth, do laundry and stand in the kitchen, marriage she needed it for survival. Since women gained independence, they began to choose: to live in marriage or not to live, and many began to choose not to live. I would not blame men for this. rather, this is how society develops. As a result, families arise where a boy grows up without a father. The only good solution is to understand this situation and adapt to it as successfully as possible. Because pushing everyone back into the family with the help of shouts of “stick to your wife” is not realistic. : there are much more serious forces that are tearing apart a family, in particular - a huge choice... of everything. Therefore, I see an increase in awareness in everyone: men, women, boys and girls. Because the worst thing that happens in the families that we are discussing is the restriction of freedom and initiative in children. As a consequence, there is a limitation of choice and, as a consequence, a very low level of self-awareness in this very boy whom we discuss all the time. Because he lives only with his mother and only in this way, and believes that he can live only this way, only with his mother and only in this way. And, of course, he recreates this model in his family. If such a boy, for example, goes somewhere without his mother, where he will be faced with the need to act on his own (for example, for two months in America to a camp) and sees a thousand other boys there, a thousand