Child-parent relationships among spouses in a complementary marriage When a man is looking for a woman, he is looking for his mother When a woman is looking for a man for herself, she is looking for her mother In this article we will talk about complementarity in a marriage in which the relationship are built according to the principle of complementarity in the form of Parent-Child. Complementary [fr. complementaire < lat. Comper - supplement] - additional, additional. In this case, we mean functional complementarity, that is, the spouse in such a relationship performs parental functions for the partner. Complementary marriages can have various options: Father-Daughter, Mother-Son, Mother-Daughter, but in all cases we are dealing with the Parent-Daughter position. Child. Such marriages abound in passions, the level of intensity of emotions in them is much higher than in other marriages, and relationships, starting from the first meeting, take on the qualities of fatal. Emotional connections between partners are excessive and can compete with blood-related relationships in terms of the strength of attachment. It turns out to be either impossible to break such a connection, or, if this happens, it is quite difficult, and sometimes tragic. Living in such relationships is difficult, but it is impossible without them. A marriage partner is perceived as a “cross” that must be borne. The attitude towards each other in such a couple rarely remains in the “middle register”; most often the partners are thrown from the pole “I can’t live without you” to the pole “I hate you.” What makes these relationships so emotionally dependent? Why do they arise? What other characteristic features of complementary marriages exist?• The reasons for the occurrence of complementary marriages lie in the personality structure of the partners. These are, as a rule, relationship-dependent individuals with unmet needs for unconditional parental love and affection. Marriage partners act out child-parent scenarios in marital relationships, trying to satisfy their unsatisfied childhood needs and thereby end relationships with significant figures in childhood. As a result, their marriage partner falls under a powerful parental projection and his image becomes loaded with functions unusual for him. (Example: client S., describing his relationship with his marriage partner, says that he feels that she treats him like a father: “she’s like a little girl - capricious, selfish, insatiable in her claims and desires... ").• These marriages are “overloaded” due to the dual positions that are saddled with the partner. Consequently, the functions that the partner bears become twice as large, as well as the expectations. The range of expectations for him far exceeds the list of actual partners. The partner in such a marriage feels that he is more than a partner. From such a partner they expect (and demand) unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, and at the same time all this without any gratitude, as a matter of course. They don’t notice love and support - it turns out to be very little compared to claims. (Example: Client K. in contact gives the impression of an offended girl. She complains that she has a lot of complaints against her husband. She herself realizes that she wants a lot from him, and her friend also says to her: “Well, what else do you want from him “You’re a normal guy.” When asked what kind of relationship she has with her father, she answers “none.” The client lives in an extended family, her relationship with her father is distant, devoid of any emotions. “Father is like a stranger to me, living in the same territory.”) • The world is perceived by such people as if it owes them, there are a lot of expectations and claims towards it, and, as a result, disappointments and resentments. The same attitude towards the Other. On the one hand, the partner is idealized, on the other hand, they want to get more from him than he can give. As a result, he begins to feel: “I am more than a partner for you, I don’t want this anymore... I’ve already had enough...”. Early childhood needs that are not satisfied by parents are later projected onto other significant figures. INIn marriage, the partner becomes such a figure. In a “marriage” with a therapist, there is a therapist. In a therapeutic contact, the therapist has the feeling that in front of him is a small child - capricious, demanding, dissatisfied, touchy... hungry. Clients in life and therapy take an external position - they do not accept responsibility, they expect miracles, advice, help from others and the therapist. • Infantility, emotional immaturity and egocentrism are clearly visible in the personality structure of these people. As adults, they remain children at their psychological age.• Such clients are “empty” due to a structural defect in their ego identity. Their “psychic reservoirs” turn out to be unfilled, they constantly experience a lack of love, and their inner child remains eternally hungry. In this regard, they themselves are not able to “give” love. And this is not surprising, if you yourself have not received, then you cannot give anything to the other. • Sexual needs in such relationships, as a rule, turn out to be unsatisfied and often replaced. Sex in such marriages becomes a marital duty. According to one of the basic laws of need satisfaction, two needs cannot be present at the same time in the focus of consciousness. The more important need turns out to be relevant, while the rest fade into the background. For such a client, the need for unconditional love turns out to be more important than the sexual need; it is genetically earlier, and, therefore, more important.• Another important point is the presence of symbolic (psychological) incest in such relationships. The partner is unconsciously perceived, among other things, as a parental figure, and then the sexual need is blocked. (Client K., who made an inquiry about her husband’s infidelity, says that she has no sexual desire for him, just as he has no desire for her. She is not jealous of her husband, she is not interested in his actual sexual infidelity, in The dominant focus of her experiences remains the possibility of him leaving her. She only wants attention, care from her husband...). Sometimes in a sexual relationship with a partner, another polarity appears - sex becomes much more than just sex... (Client P. says that she does not have sexual desires if the relationship with her partner is not permeated with passion, jealousy, emotional distress, a huge sense of ownership, fear of abandonment...)• Using the words “would you leave or won’t you leave” in relationships in case of conflicts? These are words that describe a parent-child relationship, not a partnership. You can “abandon” the child. You can separate from your partner.• In this kind of relationship, the partner remains the main figure even after the birth of a child. The child is always seen as an annex to the marriage partner and always remains on the sidelines. And this is not surprising, since it is impossible to be a parent while being a “child” yourself.• An unfinished relationship with a parental figure in a partnership turns out to be impossible to complete. A partner, even with all the desire, cannot be a parent and satisfy the expectations projected onto him. In cases where such marriages break up, former partners again create complementary marriages and relationships with the new partner are built according to a scenario already familiar to them.• The therapist in contact with such clients has two strong feelings - pity and anger... Moreover, if the anger lies on the surface and is easily recognized by the therapist, then pity appears as a result of his empathic efforts. Behind the client’s demanding, pushing behavior that lies on the surface, in the depths one can see a small, dissatisfied child, hungry for love, attention, care, and participation. Forecast As stated earlier, in this kind of relationship, partners try to complete other unfinished relationships for themselves - with their parents. However, the partner, even with all the desire, is not able to perform parental functions - to unconditionally love and accept the other. Consequently, with the help of a partner, one cannot complete one’s unfinished relationship. Such