From the author: Where does so much anger and cruelty come from in us? I believe their cause is an excess of pain. And its reason is a strong desire that is unanswered. If you haven't eaten for half a day, your stomach will simply hurt. What if you don’t eat for three days? You will be very angry or apathetic. And if we do not ignore nutritional issues, then we often push back and suppress many desires, needs and pain in relationships with people. And as a result, we become embittered. Psychologist Vladimir Vakhrameev - about what living with disabilities taught him Vladimir Vakhrameev, a Perm psychologist and musician, received a spinal injury, after which he found himself in a wheelchair. Now, after several rehabilitation courses and physical therapy classes, he can walk, but not for long, with the help of a walker and foot supports. However, he assures: pain and limitations taught him a lot, and that fall from a height became a step into another life. Today, Vladimir continues to work as a psychologist: he accepts clients, writes articles about recovery from injury, together with his colleagues he created his own psychological film club and at the end of November launches a training program “The Art of Being Alive.” “For any injuries, crawl towards people!” – We can talk for a long time about the reasons for what happened to me, and everything will not be accurate enough. Many circumstances - both internal and external - simply came together on this day, in this place. We conducted psychological training in nature, in an amazing picturesque place - at the Ust-Koiva base. On the last day we practiced near the rocks. When they arrived, people scattered around the area, there was a pause, and I decided to climb the mountain, which I had already been to several times in my life. I climbed to the top, wanted to stand up, throw up my hands and shout, but didn’t have time. At the top there was a snow cap that went down, and I flew with it, from about the height of a five-story building. I fell. In some state of shock, he began to crawl towards people. It is very dangerous to do this if you have a spinal injury, but the alternative was to freeze. And in general, this is a very sure thing in any shock, not only physical, but also psychological - to get out to people. I crawled out, they noticed me. There was a man in our company who had previously worked at the Center for Disaster Medicine, and he was able to competently assess the situation. I touched my legs and it became clear that I couldn’t feel them. They took me on a snowmobile and sleigh to the nearest village, where they laid me on a table in one of the houses and waited for the ambulance to arrive. “When I asked the nurse: “What is the purpose of my stay in the hospital?” She answered: “To get me back on my feet.” I then thought it was literal. I even wrote to clients and colleagues that I would arrive in 3-4 weeks, asking them to postpone our projects for a while... But time passed. I set myself deadlines: a month, three months, six months. Now it will start, now I’ll do it, it will help... Maybe I was waiting for a miracle. But over time, the realization came that a miracle would not happen, and the achievements that I have in rehabilitation are the result of my efforts. When I sat in the wheelchair, I was very happy. Before that, I was in bed for three months. My girlfriend and my mother took turns taking me, lying down, on a gurney for a walk. I rejoiced at progress and any opportunity to have my own will. When I was able to move along the corridor myself, albeit in a wheelchair, I was terribly happy that I was now responsible for my own movement in space. What happened was a consequence of the choices that I made in my life. And the way I recover and come alive now is also part of how I treat myself. I don’t have a super idea - to get up, go and prove to everyone at all costs. No, I’m interested in coming to life in a much broader sense of the word. “We treat the body as a machine for achieving goals.” There was mortification. But not after the fall. Just before him. The fall was a shock, a warning. Maybe even a chance and the necessary pressure so that I begin to realize some things and treat myself differently. For example, we very strongly separate soul and body. And it's notmy only problem is that this is a disease of a generation. We treat the body like a goal-achieving machine. A strong split occurs, the person identifies himself with external goals and completely loses touch with his real feelings and emotions. That trip to the rock was something similar. In the name of a goal, in the name of the desire to prove something to yourself and the world. Maybe the desire was not bad, but the method was inappropriate. I didn’t prove anything to anyone, but only injured myself. The fall turned me strongly towards myself, towards my body, towards the feeling of my own presence in the world, towards responsibility for it. – Before the fall there was panic - I had to run, to be in time... It doesn’t matter why , no matter where. Today, in a conversation during a consultation, a client brought up a good metaphor. She had a dream that she was standing at the station, waiting for a train and was very worried that it would not come. At the same time, it is absolutely unclear where this train is going and why she needs it, but she is still worried. And at some point he gets tired of waiting, turns around and looks back. And behind there is a village, people... Life. My experience of limitations made it clear: in order to find something important, you don’t have to rush somewhere quickly and far. All the most valuable things are inside me and next to me. It is enough to notice, acknowledge and learn to deal with what is. The question is, do you open your eyes to it or are you always waiting for a magic train that will take you to God knows where. Today I went for a walk with my girlfriend. And I felt so good! Previously, I would have made a million such movements, but I would not have appreciated at all the benefit that was given to me. It doesn't escape, no. It’s us who let it pass, run through it, go through it. “I’m not offended by the state” - Yes, in Europe it’s much easier for a person in a wheelchair to live. But we don't plan to leave yet. There was an idea to move to Crimea, the environment there is also more accessible and there are friends, but I really hold on to the local professional community. I have never met such an approach to thought and a person that would resonate with me so much. For this I am ready to stay here. In Crimea it would be easier, I would buy, for example, an electric scooter and race along the surf every evening... But there are things more important than driving back and forth on an electric scooter. It would be possible to keep in touch with colleagues via the Internet. But then contact with the community would be much poorer. Even a consultation on Skype is not at all the same as in person. And even more so the work of understanding and exploring experiences. Today it is important for me to stay here. And the restrictions... I notice them less and less as I become interested in something interesting. I am not offended by the state. This nuance is important. I understand that my state is recovering from some of the most serious traumas that have occurred over the past 100 years. And it’s important for me to get out of the pretense and find myself responsible. My task is to help people come to consciousness. My responsibility is to do my job well. That's all. And when I move in this direction, curbs don't annoy me. I feel like I’m part of this city, I feel responsible for it, I’m trying to make myself and the people around me better in my place. To get at least a little out of the soullessness, nihilism and apathy in which, according to my feelings, a significant part of the country’s population is located and in which I have been for most of my life. “We live in the era of avatars” - We are very divided and do not know how to negotiate. Somehow I was not in a very good mood, at midnight I was playing some blues on the guitar. A neighbor came from the floor above. He started banging on the door as hard as he could, then started shouting that he would call the police, then he cut off all my wires. The next day I had a choice: join the war or try to do something different. I chose the second one. I went to him and talked. It was important for me, on the one hand, to say that I was wrong, but on the other hand, not to lose my boundaries, to convey my truth, saying that it’s not the point to sort things out like that. Now I’m even pleased to meet him. We shake hands with pleasure, we can chat at the entrance, and I understand how great it is that we succeededtemper your own pride. But I also had a lot of arrogance. Why do we have so much anger and cruelty? I believe their cause is an excess of pain. And its reason is a strong desire that is unanswered. If you haven't eaten for half a day, your stomach will simply hurt. What if you don’t eat for three days? You will be very angry or apathetic. And if we do not ignore nutritional issues, then we often push back and suppress many desires, needs and pain in relationships with people. And as a result, we become embittered. Another problem is that people do not solve their problems, and the energy that is allocated to solving them is drained through the discussion of some events in which they are not directly involved. Therefore, today, for example, a husband and wife can seriously quarrel, arguing over events in Ukraine. We see so much different news everywhere about upheavals in different parts of the world that it begins to seem to us as if we are directly involved in everything that is happening. We are the ones sending missiles to Syria. We are the ones fighting in Ukraine. A person ceases to understand where he is, what he influences and what he does not. And, worst of all, he begins to understand all these external events much more than what he is directly involved in. For example, in relationships with loved ones. Modern people are generally not aware of their true size - we live in the age of avatars. And it’s much easier to create a successful image on a social network than to deal with real difficulties. But it’s even worse when you yourself begin to believe in this image. Then all efforts will be devoted to maintaining it. And against its backdrop, there remain many unresolved problems that will eventually crush us. That which hurts the soul and body is the meaning - I like people who are looking for meaning. But the question is: isn’t this search a purely rational-intellectual construction? My body hurts, my soul hurts, I have problems in relationships with loved ones, I’m not going well at work, and I’m trying to find some magical meaning that would justify all my suffering. For me, the meaning is not to justify suffering, but to to recognize it, experience it and understand its causes. Because our suffering is a cry from the soul about what is truly important. And pain, whether physical or mental, is a very strong need. For some reason, when touching simple and everyday things, we recognize it (for example, hunger), but we prefer to suppress pain of a different nature. One way is to entertain and distract yourself by becoming an adherent of the consumer society. The other is to justify it all with some kind of meaning: yes, I feel bad, but I have a great mission! I am against both paths. Because what your soul hurts about, what your body hurts about - this is your meaning! This is what you have to deal with! This is your mission. When my sensitivity began to recover, my legs began to hurt very much. It was a constant aching pain. I became irritated, tense, and a lot of anger appeared in me. I then decided - well, even if it hurts me so much, but I will become a powerful specialist, I will earn a lot of money... It was an attempt to escape myself. But I managed to face this pain and ask my legs: what are you hurting about?! I found at least two important answers. The first is obvious: you need to move more. And I began to do more physical therapy, walking, standing in the simulator, crawling. And the other part is about reattaching these legs to yourself after an injury. Because this is a very big temptation: something that hurts and doesn’t look as beautiful as before is to be rejected. Now I think that any pain or any traumatic event is a “ticket” that fate gave you for something important note. This is a chance to change your life. Life brings challenges to all of us sooner or later. But most people throw away such tickets and think that something more important awaits them ahead than lower back pain. And about love. For most of the conversation with us, Vladimir’s fiancee, photographer Ksenia Zhukova, was sitting in the room. She was silent almost the entire time, only when asked how long they waited for the ambulance, she quietly answered: “More than an hour...” They have been together for four years. Ksenia was with Volodya before