From the author: I describe one of the methods that helps build communication between husband and wife in cases where they are experiencing a relationship crisis, but want to save the marriage. Despite the desire, existing irritation and mutual dissatisfaction often does not allow them to build adequate communication with each other. There is not enough patience, the necessary skill, and “no moral strength.” This material was written to help you survive and overcome such difficulties - on your own or with support. The article is also posted on my author’s blog. In my previous article “Divorce or... probation?” I promised to talk about an action plan, based on which you can increase your family’s chances of successfully passing the “probationary period”, and over time, perhaps, reach a new level of relationship. I must note that situations are different, too different, and I am not a supporter of preserving the marriage “at any cost, no matter what.” I do not rule out that in some cases divorce will bring changes for the better, and in some it will be the main mistake of life; all other cases fall somewhere in between. Therefore, I am a supporter of balanced decisions and appreciate any attempts by the parties to take steps towards each other. Let this plan be one of those steps. So, the 4x4 plan includes 4 principles, 4 steps, and their discussion with each other: principle 1. Chance for one = opportunity for both. Remember? - giving a partner a chance in this case means “a chance for both of you.” If you have mentally blocked any opportunity to influence the situation, then your partner will not even be able to try; we have already talked about such traps. Here’s a test question that will help you navigate the myriad of your own thoughts: what if we succeed (again)? There is no one to answer except you, so listen to your response sensations, feelings, thoughts. A categorical “no” or a cautious “let...”? A vague “I don’t know” or a cold “I don’t want”? You will know whether to proceed to the next step. By the way, do not exaggerate the significance - you should not call the chance “last”. principle 2. If you give it a chance, give it time. Time is often put forward as an ultimatum - “if nothing happens before the New Year, then...!” Or there is too little time allocated, it is unrealistic to manage to build in a week what has been methodically undermined over the years. Leaving it to chance, without taking the time factor into account at all, will also be a big mistake. If you don’t talk about time, you can unwittingly achieve the opposite effect - partners “relax” and continue to live as before. It is important to talk about time, but you should not set strict deadlines. Principle 3. Support the partner who has taken the initiative in his results, and sometimes in his intentions. Example: a wife reproaches her husband for his lack of initiative and coldness, for the fact that he doesn’t need anything except TV, football, work... And then she hears from her husband the cherished words “let’s go somewhere for the weekend.” She might want to grin in response and tell you that she's busy. Or reproach us for not going anywhere for our wedding anniversary, why all of a sudden now?! But you gave it a chance, so your answer may sound different. I’m not talking about giving up positions without a fight and accepting any offers. I mean that the partner should have feedback on whether he is on the right path. He needs incentive to fight for you now, otherwise he won't last long. I deliberately gave a banal example, since it, like any other, will seem understandable and familiar to some of the readers, but others will consider it inappropriate for themselves. principle 4. Be patient when discussing all 8 points. If necessary, break it into parts, two points a day or whatever. You may become impatient because you become irritated by the task. Or the “stupidity” (passivity, scandalousness, etc.) of the partner. Or the fact that during the discussion you want to swear, and in no way conduct a “constructive dialogue” (oh, those big words). Emotions will overwhelm you at the most inopportune moment. INin any case, this is how it should be, and you need to go through it, make your way through it, as if through a forest thicket or a gusty headwind. Important: the four principles are not just a prelude to the steps that will follow next. Each principle must be read and understood by each party, so I make these principles part of the plan, and part of the joint discussion. Step 1. Make a list of daily family activities, not necessarily joint ones, that must be resolved regardless of the length or outcome of the probationary period. Once you have the list, agree on who will take on what. This is important to do, because otherwise it is these questions that you will constantly stumble over, and it is with their help that you will manipulate each other. What are these questions? Get the children ready for kindergarten, pick them up from school, take them to the doctor if necessary, prepare food, buy groceries, pay for the apartment, and so on. Indeed, most often these are ordinary everyday issues and parental responsibilities. It is important not to regulate every little detail, but to decide on the necessary minimum. Agreements on this point do not guarantee the absence of problems, sabotage, etc., but they make it easier to live together during the probationary period and reduce the overall potential for conflict and tension. There are risks too. The discussion process, as I wrote above, can be difficult, but if you overcome it, then you will be able to do a lot. Step 2. Make a list of requests for each other. Not a list of qualities or requirements, but a list of requests. This means that when formulating them, you can use “please”, can you, will you agree to... The content of such a list is unique for each couple. It can include anything from a request to say good night to a request not to call at work during morning planning meetings. The main thing is to focus on the essence of the request, understand what meaning it has for you, why you are including it on the list. You need to introduce your partner to your list and be prepared for possible questions. To begin with, you can simply exchange lists, and only then discuss what remains unclear or is not accepted. The ability to comment and criticize someone else's list will be great. Control yourself)). Try to include in the list only what is important for yourself and at the same time feasible and feasible for your partner, taking into account how your relationship looks today. Believe me, there will still be an opportunity for greater rapprochement ahead of you, but at this stage it will most likely happen not by leaps and bounds, but by careful steps. The number of items in the final list for a partner is discussed, but as a guide you can take: no less than three, no more than 15, and it is desirable that there is not a large discrepancy in the number. Important: both steps do not replace, but complement, provide each other. Sometimes I hear that “we have already tried to distribute responsibilities” or “I have already set the conditions under which I will stay with her.” If you have similar thoughts, carefully read the descriptions of the steps again, or ask me any questions about this. Step 3. Taming your emotions. Don’t let the word “taming” scare you; it was important for me to emphasize this step, which is often mistakenly perceived by the parties as banal and insignificant. In mediation, there is a phrase that describes specific work with the emotional state of the parties to negotiations - “ventilating emotions.” Briefly, the essence of such work is to ensure that (negative) emotions do not interfere with the discussion process, and at the same time the parties gradually learn to deal with them (express, understand, accept) on their own. At the same time, there is no need to go too deep into the analysis of conditions, otherwise the negotiations will lead nowhere, the parties will simply get bogged down in grievances and claims (which is why with a mediator such work is easier and psychologically safer for the parties!). How to do it? Mediators will understand me, psychotherapists may not support me, but in this case I am writing this article as a mediator, and it is important for me that those readers who are planning to independently understand me can understand me..