I hope you followed the first two steps and more or less put your inner world in order. Feelings do not go off scale, like during a storm of 10 points. There is a clear understanding in your head of what you want from your relationship with your husband. Now let's move on to the third step, namely, preparing to talk with your husband. What I recommend you do when talking: 1 Agree on what time you will have the conversation, clearly define the time and place. Say what exactly you will discuss, perhaps what you want, if this is important to you. If you understand that it will be very difficult for you to talk to him alone, arrange a meeting in a cafe, on neutral territory. The presence of other people will help you to be collected and not give in to your feelings. 2 Be in the here and now. What do I mean by this concept? When talking, clearly keep in mind your goal that you want to achieve from the conversation: - understand what he wants from your relationship - leave or stay - tell him about your feelings and experiences, what it feels like to be betrayed - hear an apology for the pain caused to you and experiences - find out the reason for his betrayal - find out what he is going to do to make amends and restore trust in your relationship. 3 Speak from yourself, that is, use I-messages. 4 Make sure you remain in the Adult position. I know that it is difficult, but only in this position is a constructive dialogue possible. This is from Eric Berne's transactional analysis theory. If we move into the position of a Parent, we begin to teach, reprimand, instruct, criticize. If we move to the position of a Child, then we automatically begin to be offended, manipulate, ingratiate ourselves, attack, blame, and devalue. Say something like - I don’t care, I’m on my own, and go away, I don’t need you. You know, this is from the series “to spite my mother I’ll freeze my ears.” Only from an Adult position - neutrality, logic, adequacy, respect for yourself and your opponent, understanding, patience - can you achieve the desired result. Yes, I understand perfectly well that this is difficult. It took me years to learn this. So don't be hard on yourself, it's really very difficult. But at the same time, if you understand that now you are no longer in the Adult position, I suggest taking a short break to return to it. Our feelings and emotions force us to leave the Adult position. If, for example, you understand that you are angry now, you can say: “I’m angry with you” or “I’m offended by you. It hurts me.” When we speak out our feelings, somehow magically their intensity decreases. 5 Tell me how you felt and how bad you felt when you found out about the betrayal. When attacked and accused, your husband will most likely go into defense or attack. And if you tell him what’s happening to you, what it’s like to be betrayed, this will demonstrate to him that this relationship is important to you, necessary, that he caused you mental pain. Once you've said all this, take a break. I think this will be something new for him. Metaphorically, this can be compared to the fact that you are a house and when he cheated on you, your house began to hurt, it became bad, chaos and disorder set in, and now you have to return everything to its place. And in some places they even do major renovations and lay out a new foundation. When you talk about what happens to you when he does this or that act, you are not violating his personal boundaries. Thus, you remain in the Adult neutral position. That is, you stay on your territory, in your house. But at the same time, you demonstrate that you care, you are worried about his actions, you are included in the relationship. If you start blaming, using phrases with “You”, it will be like you are breaking into his house and telling him what and where is wrong with him and how you think he should behave, where and what he should do. change yourself, remake yourself. What a scoundrel and scoundrel he is! All of the above includes our psychological defenses and we begin eitherdefend ourselves, or we fall into a stupor or simply run away from the conversation. That is, your conversation will end, at best, in nothing, and at worst, even more mutual accusations, scandals and mental trauma. 6 Questions that I would recommend you ask your husband when talking. Perhaps they should even be sent in a letter before your conversation to give him time to find answers to these questions. Believe me, it won't be easy for him either. - understand what he wants from your relationship, leave or stay - apologize for the pain and experiences caused to you - explain the reason and circumstances of his betrayal Only the only “BUT”! Ask these questions if you are ready to hear sincere answers. Here, think about whether you can handle it or not. Perhaps, instead of meeting, you will choose safer communication through correspondence. Write him a letter, it will be more environmentally friendly and kind to you now. 7 Be prepared in advance for any turn of events: - he will accuse you of his betrayal - he will say that you made everything up and nothing happened - he will say that everyone cheats and you shouldn’t make a mountain out of a molehill - he will say that he is polygamous or an alpha male, that all men cheat, but you are a woman and should remain silent, or even be happy that he is in demand among other women - he will say that he is cheating because you don’t give him something and will start telling you how wonderful she is and how bad you are - he won’t come, he’ll get sick, he’ll close himself off, he’ll be silent and won’t say a single word - he’ll want to divorce you - he’ll say that his mistress is pregnant and he’s leaving for her or not leaving, but he won’t abandon the child and will help. - he will say that he loves her, but does not want to leave the family because of the children - he will say that he loves her, wants to leave, but was afraid to hurt you, in the end he will pack his things and leave - he will say that you ..., and he does not want nothing to understand and talk about. Believe me, the option that he will repent, apologize, forget his mistress and begin to love you with the same intensity and will NEVER change you again is very rare. I've never seen anything like this before. Possible mistakes that you can make when talking with your husband.1) Please do not slide into the past of grievances and complaints: - But then you told me... - But my mother told me... - But remember what you did two years ago... - And your dad also cheated on your mom, and you are the same... Don't do this. These accusations and arguments will lead to nothing but a scandal. This is just water and talking about nothing, understand? 2) Until you solve one problem, don’t move on to others! Now the problem is my husband’s betrayal, so solve it. Do you understand? Solving one problem is difficult, but if there are ten of them and all at the same time, it just turns into empty chatter about nothing. As a result, you will not solve a single problem. Yes, you will overcome your other mental illnesses. But you understand - if one place hurts, and you pick at ten others, you will end up with even more pain, even more problems. I think neither you nor he needs this. So solve only one problem and, until you solve it, don’t bring anything else into your conversation. 3) Don't compare, don't blame. 4) There is no need to talk about what your mother, girlfriend, or friend told you. That someone advised you something. Only you and he here and now solve your problem. 5) Keep in mind what you want and talk about it! Let's discuss possible options for your conversation with your husband. 1. You want to save your family. He also wants to save his family. Then find out the circumstances and reasons for his betrayal. - What is he going to do, how will he change so that this does not happen again in the future? - How is he going to make amends for the pain he caused you? Think about what you would like to receive as compensation for the pain caused to you. It is important. In partnerships, the balance of “Take and Give” is approximately equal. If it is broken and someone gives more than the other, then this also leads to discord in the relationship. Therefore, be sure to come up with something that can equalize this balance at the moment for the pain caused to you, for the betrayal.Say that you need time to recover from what happened. And that he and you will have to work on building a new relationship. Yes, exactly new ones, I was not mistaken. It will never be the same again. You will no longer be able to trust him as before. Both he and you will have to build your relationship in a new way. At this point, they don't have the same trust, and the two of you will have to figure out how you can get it back. You need to give yourself time to heal the emotional wound from betrayal and betrayal. Mental trauma is very similar to a broken bone. Now, if you followed the above two steps, you realized that your leg is broken, we have put you in a cast. Now you need the bones to heal. Only then will you remove the plaster and develop your leg. But you understand that the scars will still remain and, when the weather changes, your leg will sometimes ache. It’s the same with a mental wound. You have passed the most difficult period, but there still must be a period of rehabilitation. 2. You want to save the family. He wants to get a divorce. If you want to be together and he wants to get a divorce, take a short break. Take a breath. Perhaps this is another blow and you need to recover again. If you are still ready to fight for your relationship, ask if you have a chance to change his decision. What influenced this decision?What led him to this decision? 3. If you want to be together, but he hasn’t decided what he wants - to leave or stay. Here I will tell you my subjective point of view. If a man cannot make this or that decision, imagine that he is trying to sit on two chairs and cannot make a choice. Personally, I know men who have been unable to do this for years. Then the question for you is - are you ready to wait and live in uncertainty? Live in limbo until he can’t make up his mind. My recommendation to you is to set clear deadlines. For example: - Dear, you have one month to make a decision - whether you want to be with me or go to Masha. October 31, 2016 at 18-00 I am waiting for your decision - me or her. If you still don’t decide who you want to be with, then I take responsibility for the choice and we part ways. I had experience building a relationship with a man who couldn’t decide whether we were together or not. Personally, it was very difficult for me to be around him. It’s hard for me to live in limbo, it’s hard not to understand where and why I’m going, it’s hard to sit and wait. In the end, I chose to leave. Personally, it became much easier for me. I realized that I am more resilient. Yes, breaking up is always difficult and painful, and, of course, you want people to live together all their lives. But we are all different, and we all have different destinies. I don’t know about you, but I really waited and hoped for a long time, and then I completed it all at one fine moment. I got over this relationship. I let them go and moved on. Looking for a man who knows what he wants and knows how to make decisions. The choice is always yours. But if you have made up your mind and have given clear deadlines for thinking it over, follow the decision you made. After the agreed time frame, act as you promised. It will be difficult with him too: to build new relationships with him, to heal the wound of betrayal. And without him it will also be difficult: to heal the wound of betrayal and parting; find a new partner and build a relationship with him. 4. If you want to break up, but he wants to save the family. Well, if you have made a decision, then naturally, I support it. The only BUT. If you have made a decision because: - traitors are not forgiven - betrayal cannot be forgiven - cheated once - will always cheat... In this case, I would suggest you to work a little. Most likely, behind this decision there is a deeper trauma, even more severe pain, and perhaps, if you worked through it, you would be able to look at your husband’s action from a different angle. This is 100%. 5. If you both decide to break up. I would still suggest that you understand the reasons for your separation. Cheating is always just the tip of the iceberg in a relationship. What was wrong, what didn’t suit you. Understand the reasons for the breakup. This will be a plus for your/