From the author: Published on the website www.psycall.org More often women turn to psychologists with similar problems. It is easier for them than for men to admit that they need help - the weaker sex! But it does not at all follow from this that men, finding themselves in a similar situation, worry less. They tend to cope with their experiences differently. Therefore, everything that will be discussed below also applies to men who find themselves in the position of “victims,” although it is written for women. For women who are looking for answers to painful questions: Does he cheat? Why did this happen to me? How to get him back? Will I be able to forgive him? Should I continue to live with him or break up? How to stop loving him and how to move on? Is he cheating? Your husband began to work late, go on business trips more often, tries to sneak out of the house under various pretexts, became less attentive to you, devotes less attention to his affairs, and has become more irritable. Quite naturally, alarming suspicions arise: “He has someone!” I will give below two extreme options for a woman’s reaction to such behavior of her partner, between which there may be various combinations of one or the other in different proportions: 1. You begin to monitor and control his every step: checking his pockets, phone, making verification calls, etc. That is, you increase control over it, but even if this gives relief to your anxiety, it is temporary. To calm down, you need to not lose sight of him, be near him constantly, which in itself is problematic. Therefore, from time to time you break down and create scenes of jealousy.2. You close your eyes to what is happening, reassuring yourself with the phrases: “He brings money home - and that’s good!”, “He loves children and will not leave them!” etc. In the first case, you demonstrate your distrust of your husband (“I don’t believe a single word he says!”), which will not add to your love for you, but will cause even more irritation. In the second case, you show him your indifference to him (and to myself too). It turns out that you don’t care what happens between you (“I only need your money, not you!”, “I don’t need you, but the children!”) The reaction from your husband may be appropriate (“I live next to you only for the sake of the children!”, “You are just a servant for me!”) Warmth and love cannot be returned to the relationship in this way. By reacting according to the first or second option, or combining them, you will not increase your value in the eyes of your husband, but on the contrary, you will worsen yours relationship, which will most likely cause even greater suffering, and as a result will lead to a breakup, that is, to what you most do not want. It turns out that with such behavior you not only do not contribute to the improvement of relationships, but even further destroy them; one might say, you are actively pushing your partner out. And it doesn’t really matter with whom he cheats on you - with work, with drinking, with friends or with another woman. Another thing is important - there is something missing in your relationship with him, and he is trying to compensate for this on the side. Why is he no longer striving for you, as he was before, why did he feel uncomfortable with you under the same roof? Of course, it is more convenient not to look for answers to these questions, but to shift the blame and responsibility for what is happening to someone else: “She was the one who took him away.” !”, “It’s because of his job, because of his damn business!”, “It’s because of his parents!”, “He’s been jinxed!”, etc. But, if this is so, then you cannot influence the development of the situation in any way. “They” can, but you can’t! That’s why women often try to influence this third person (mistress, friends, parents, psychics and sorcerers) - to force him (them) to let go of their husband, to influence him. If you really want to improve your relationship and get your partner back, then the only sure way for this is - understand and accept the fact that the cooling in your relationship did not happen by chance. This is a sign that there was something wrong with him, something that was the impetus for the relationship to deteriorate or be interrupted. Why did this happen to me and how can I get it back now? So, what can you do if you really want to get it back?partner.1. You need to calm down and analyze your own behavior, understand what you yourself did (or didn’t do) that made him lose interest in you or leave completely. Often, the person responsible for the breakup, long before the event itself, talks about what he is not happy with or what he lacks in your relationship. Of course, the analysis of mistakes itself does not guarantee the restoration of relationships, especially if they have already been terminated. In addition, you need to understand that the relationships that existed will no longer exist (after all, it was the one your partner left), but there will be others - ones in which you actually will not make the same mistakes. And the more chances you have for your partner to return, the more opportunities you have to show him that you behave differently and really want the relationship to change and his return. The likelihood of your partner returning, of course, also depends on the seriousness of his intentions to break off the relationship with you. It is quite difficult to assess this, but encouraging signs may be: his calls, attempts to meet and explain, things left in the apartment, etc.2. It is necessary to stop any negative antics against your partner: surveillance, test calls, attempts to meet and talk with your rival, pitting friends, relatives, children against each other (this is just your relationship with him - it’s up to the two of you to regulate them), attempts not to notice your partner, demonstrating your coldness, resentment or indifference, reproaches, or attempts to be sarcastic towards him, attempts to use children as weapons in the fight for him. I especially want to emphasize the inadmissibility of blackmail with the threat of suicide - think for yourself, what feelings would you like to evoke in your partner? After all, you would like him to value you and love you, but by threatening suicide, you make him fear you and despise you, just as you despise the value of your own life with such threats.3. Desirable positive behavior. Be patient and be willing to wait (maybe for a very long time) until your partner decides to return. Be as friendly and welcoming as possible - let your partner feel that you have actually changed your attitude towards him, show that that you are ready for reconciliation, that you not only do not blame him for what happened, but appreciate him, miss him, and dream of meeting him. The best thing is if you can organize a confidential conversation with your partner, in which you can tell him about how you see your guilt for what happened, about why he is dear and valuable to you, about your willingness to wait for him as long as necessary (this especially important because it proves that you have truly changed). If your partner refuses to meet (he may be afraid to meet with you due to your previous wrong actions), try to make it clear to him that you have “peaceful” intentions and invite him to determine for himself place and time of the meeting. It would be good if, when analyzing your own behavior, and especially when preparing for a confidential conversation, you could use the help of a psychologist to discuss with him everything that you can and want to say. The psychologist’s task is to give you feedback, that is, to tell you what in your words may be perceived as a reproach or as pressure on your partner. Will I be able to forgive him? Of course, all of the above is difficult to put into practice if you have not actually decided whether you would like to live with this person, whether you have forgiven him or not. You can often hear: “To forgive him, I have to get over myself! This is a terrible humiliation! It is worth reminding yourself that the strong and generous forgive, and the position of “proud and offended,” which is difficult to overcome, long before the breakup did not allow you to resolve the inevitable difficulties in the relationship in an adult manner and led to their destruction. Remember, what happened was not an accident, but the result of the development of a relationship, and you contributed to this result. Another common argument against forgiveness is: “I will forgive him, but he will come back and cheat and cheat on me again!” In other words, where are the guarantees that everything that happened will not happen again? And there is a lot here toodepends on you: you are not going to behave as before, not believing him, reproaching and devaluing him, or not paying attention to him. The chances that what happened will not happen again will be much greater if you can change your attitude towards what happened and, accordingly, change your behavior. This is not at all easy to do, but it is possible, using the help of psychotherapy that serves these goals. Should you continue to live with him or break up? It happens that, despite the fact that you have done everything to make your partner believe in your love for him, despite your willingness to wait as long as necessary, everything tells you that he will not return . However, your life may still be filled with thoughts and memories of how good it once was with him, or with indignation at yourself, your mistakes, at the fate that wanted to separate you, thoughts about your worthlessness, meaninglessness life without him. In other words, everything happens as if he is still staying with you - you care little about the world around you, everything you live with is him, he occupies your thoughts and heart and you cannot let him go. At the same time, it’s as if you are punishing yourself with such suffering for his departure, you refuse everything that could distract from him, interest him or give at least some pleasure - you don’t want to see anyone, you retire, refuse food, sleep and etc. Perhaps you think that if you suffer, torment yourself properly, then he will understand how much you love him and will return. But a child who has been punished (put in a corner) can think this way; he cries and waits to be forgiven, when they will tell him again that they love him and are not angry with him. And you are an adult and only you can decide whether to drive yourself into a corner by punishing yourself or forgive yourself. You must answer yourself the fundamental question: are you ready to continue to wait for years and hope that something will change, that he will return, or would you like to forget him, let him go, say goodbye to him. How to stop loving him and how to move on? Forgive and say goodbye are words that are close in meaning, and this meaning is to give up resentment, resentment that the person you need to forgive did not live up to your hopes for him. You hoped for his love, for his return, but he does not want to return. What happens to you when this happens? Naturally, you are angry with him, you want to take revenge on him, to punish him, but you are afraid to admit it, it’s scary to even think about it, because you really hope for his return, and what if he realizes how much you really hate him? actually won't come back. Of course, in this case, it is more common and safer to direct all the anger at yourself, punish and destroy yourself - “I’m so bad, unattractive, uninteresting, that’s why he doesn’t come back!” That is, it turns out that you are offended by yourself and do not forgive yourself. Allow yourself to be angry with him, give vent to your anger, freedom to your angry thoughts about him - these are just your thoughts and feelings. Your anger and resentment can actually harm you if you suppress and fear them - they keep your body tense, stuck in a lump in your throat, pain in your heart, cold, empty, or reproachful in your eyes. Unexpressed resentment and anger lead to exacerbation of chronic diseases and will lead to sudden and uncontrollable outbursts on loved ones, for example, on children and friends. Since you refuse to control your anger, then it will take control of you, and in the most inappropriate situations. Therefore, allow yourself to be angry - tell your friend how much you hate him, why you hate him (remember situations when your ex-partner behaved selfishly, immaturely, incontinently, humiliatingly, offensively towards you, etc.), what you I would like to do this with him, write it all on paper, draw it, depict it, blind it, shout it. You may have to do this more than once and it is good to have someone nearby to help you express your feelings. You will have to say goodbye to every unjustified