The death of a loved one is undoubtedly one of the most difficult tests in a person’s life. When a loved one dies, there is an avalanche of emotions and feelings: grief, anger, shock, guilt, hopelessness, powerlessness, fear, emptiness, pain. Dealing with all this on your own seems like an overwhelming task. How can a psychologist help in this situation? Yes, a psychologist will not bring back a loved one, will not instantly relieve pain, will not erase them from memory. A psychologist will be able to help SURVIVE grief, can speed up this process a little, help “not get stuck” in it, and accompany you on the path to healing. Yes Yes! Precisely HEALING. The death of a loved one causes a serious emotional wound. The wound will never completely disappear, it will leave a “scar”. With scars, you can continue to live a full, happy life, but with a constantly inflamed, poorly healed wound, it’s unlikely. You can temporarily forget about it, ignore it, switch to other things, but time after time the unhealed wound will remind you of itself with acute pain at the most inopportune moment. There is only one way out - you need to LIVE the grief. Psychologists divide the process of experiencing grief into several stages: 1. Stage of shock and numbness. Refusal to believe what happened can last up to several weeks (on average about a week). What is happening is experienced as unreal. A person in a state of shock may be doing something related to organizing a funeral, or his activity may be chaotic. There is also complete detachment from what is happening, inactivity. Feelings about what happened are almost not expressed; a person in a state of shock may seem indifferent to everything. He may be focused on some trifles not related to the loss, or psychologically remain in the past, denying reality (in which case he gives the impression of being stunned or sleepy). In both cases, the person tries to delay the moment of realizing the loss. At this stage, people around him do not know how to help such a person. In a state of shock, it seems strange, frightening, and inadequate to them. A psychologist, working with a person who is at the initial stage of grief, will first of all VERY CAREFULLY help complete this stage, realize reality, believe in what has already happened, and move to a new stage. Some people at the stage they don't cry in shock. It will be a good sign if the person finally cries. It is better for a person to be active in organizing a funeral than to be in a daze. Don't shield him from everything related to the funeral. This is necessary to understand what is happening. Let him go to the morgue for identification, let him come to the funeral, let him see the body of the deceased, BUT only if he wants it himself. If he doesn’t want to, don’t force him and don’t judge his choice. Often the shock reaction is replaced by a feeling of anger. Anger arises as a reaction to an obstacle in satisfying the need to stay in the past with the deceased. Any external stimuli that bring a person back to the present can provoke this feeling. Anger relieves suffering. In anger, a person can break things, scream, swear at the deceased for leaving a loving person, and at others for their lack of understanding. This stage frightens and shocks loved ones, sometimes it seems to them that the person is going crazy from grief. Those around them are often confused and try to fight such manifestations, when in fact the person needs to be helped to survive this stage, let him speak out, allow him to show aggression, talk about his grievances without condemnation or evaluation from the outside. This is very difficult for an interested loved one, a person who worries about the mourner, worries with him. A psychologist can listen to a grieving person without judgment, without suppressing his anger, accept everything that a person says in a state of anger and simply let his emotions spill out, while controlling the situation. A good psychologist can easily bear this. 2. Search stage. It is characterized by the desire to return the deceased and denial of the irretrievability of loss. A person who has suffered a loss often thinks that he sees the deceased in a crowd on the street, hears his steps in the neighboringroom, feels his smell, his touch. Such illusions can be frightening and cause thoughts of madness. On the other hand, faith in a miracle is strong, the hope of somehow returning the deceased does not disappear. At this stage, loved ones should not support the illusions of the person who has suffered a loss, but there is no need to deny them, much less accuse them of madness. Listening and accepting what you hear without judgment is the best way to support at the search stage. The work of a psychologist at this stage may consist in constantly returning the grieving person to reality, helping in the awareness and experience of feelings. 3. The third stage is the stage of acute grief. During this period, a person experiences severe mental pain. Characteristic: feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness, despair, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, anger, guilt, fear and anxiety, helplessness. Such a person is absorbed in the image of the deceased and idealizes him. The experience of grief is the main part of his activity. Grief affects relationships with others. They irritate the mourner, he seeks privacy. The stage of acute grief is considered critical in relation to further experiencing the loss. A person gradually “leaves” the deceased and experiences with pain the actual distance of his image. Breaking the old connection with the deceased and creating a memory image, an image of the past and a connection with him is the main direction of work with a person at the stage of acute grief. With the onset of a six-month period, acute grief can smoothly flow into depression. The man gives up. Decisions are made from a position of lack of strength. It is advisable for loved ones at the stage of acute grief to be in constant contact with the one who is experiencing the loss. Yes, everyone has their own worries, but you can always call and find out how you are doing, come in and talk. This is the best way you can support a person. 4. Recovery stage. During this period, a person gradually comes to terms with the fact of loss. He is still experiencing grief, but these experiences are already taking on the character of individual attacks, at first frequent, then increasingly rare. To create in memory an image of the person who has passed away, to find meaning and a permanent place for it - this is the main goal of psychological work at this stage. When this goal is achieved, the person who has suffered a loss will gradually be able to continue to live a full life, enjoy it, be happy, love those who are nearby, without forgetting the deceased, simply remembering him with warmth and a bit of sadness. At every stage of grief, a person faces the danger of lingering for a significant period of time. The unlived stages of grief affect the rest of your life. One of the main tasks of a psychologist is to ensure that the client does NOT get STUCK at any of the stages. Sometimes clients turn to a psychologist with an old, unresolved grief that has been around for many years. Working with it is much more difficult, because unlived grief, like an improperly healed bone, has deformed the entire body, human behavior, distribution of vital resources - the normal functioning of the body is complicated by this improperly healed wound. But it is NECESSARY to work with unlived grief! After all, it interferes with relationships with other people, especially with those closest to you. It is uncomfortable for a person to live with this trauma, and there is no way to get rid of it on their own, since the whole body has adjusted and is accustomed to existing this way. In this case, “the bones have to be broken and put back together,” and this is painful. In addition, the body, accustomed to an uncomfortable existence, painfully adapts to a new “correct” functioning, which makes it possible to improve the quality of life. And finally, some advice from a psychologist on how to survive the death of a loved one a little easier: 1. Talk about your grief! As far as possible, tell people about your grief, especially those who have been in a similar situation and survived it, those who have not will give stupid advice from the series: “forget about it”, “forget it”, “everything will pass”, “don’t cry”. The more you talk about it, the easier it will be for you. The main thing is not to suppress or hide your feelings. Live them, stay in them, allow yourself these feelings! 2. Do not wear the clothes of the deceased, do not dress in them.