Greetings! And I continue the topic of personal boundaries. The beginning can be found in the post “Personal Boundaries.” Why people violate other people’s boundaries With the best intentions. “Well, I’m your mother, I can’t look at this calmly!” Because they were treated this way in childhood, and they fixed this attitude as the norm. I’ll tell you a secret. An adult makes decisions in his own life. And how much he interferes in the lives of those around him. Or how much to allow interference in your own life. How to understand that there are problems with personal boundaries. You experience (not just once, but periodically or often) the same negative emotions in similar situations or with similar people. You can slow down and ask: what do these situations have in common? It’s hard to refuse. It’s important to be good, so we tolerate and give in a lot. But we are different. And it is impossible (by no means) to please everyone. What one likes, another repulses. This is why we form our own circle. We doubt ourselves if someone doubts us. We don’t feel our own worth. There is a need to justify our every decision or opinion. Excessive inclusion in the life of another to the detriment of our own life. There is a difference between empathy, support and pushing your values, beliefs, etc. The more resources you give to someone else, the more you take away from yourself, and you don’t live your own life. People probe other people’s boundaries all the time. We are selfish, and we immediately drag everything that can be taken from resources (time, money, other people’s emotions or passion) into our “hole”. We unknowingly make such niggles every time, when it’s easier to push someone through, rather than tense ourselves. And if someone felt a little, touched a little, and you rolled out a flamethrower and burned everything (well, or somehow felt differently , that your reaction is inadequate), you could probably work on the boundaries. Our whole “I” consists of parts. Each part has its own role. In different situations we react and act from different subpersonalities. But some of these hypostases in the process of growing up are “stuck” at the childhood or teenage stage and “express themselves” accordingly, and the person behaves as if he is 5 years old or 15, although according to his passport he is 35. In order not to get into various awkward situations, they can be “ grow up”: on your own or with the help of a psychologist (for example, me ;-)). Sometimes it is very convenient to transfer part of the responsibility for your life to someone else. More comfortable and safer than taking it yourself. Even if some other part of “I” suffers from this. This is called "secondary gain." There is an old but still good book by Eric Berne, “Games People Play. People who play games". It describes very well why we unwittingly get involved in the same scenarios in relationships. How to correct the situation? More about this in the next post.