Modern pop psychology is full of myths. Let's say, there are myths about the existence of the so-called. “abusers”, “gaslighters”, “narcissists” and other animals unknown to psychological science. The meaning of the existence of these myths is obvious: he called a person one of these words - and explained everything about him to himself. And at the same time, he protected himself from communicating with him, created an alibi for himself. Well, in fact: if a person has the label “abuser” stuck on his forehead (which I myself put there on him), then what questions are there for me?.. All questions for the abuser. The simplest scientific fact is that the behavior of any person is a very ornately organized and multivariate algorithm, in which, yes, there may be cruelty, cynicism, narcissism, and much more, but with all this, this behavior continues to remain manageable and changeable, it does not occur to lovers of labels and myths : he simply has nowhere to come from... An understanding of this fact can only come through communication with a psychologist, and not with a pop psychology charlatan who explains complex things on three fingers of one hand. And today we will talk about the myth called “passive aggression”. You know , there is such an Internet meme: “A samurai without a sword is like a samurai with a sword - he’s just without a sword.” What is this sarcastic meme about? It is about the fact that there are things with inherent characteristics. Remember how we were taught in high school to define things correctly? A definition is a description of an object that includes all its essential features. For example, the essential feature of an apple is that it is round. Well, or spherical. An apple cannot be square or triangular, it cannot be shaped like a banana. But it can be tasteless or unripe - therefore the words “tasty” and “ripe” are not integral signs of an apple... Well, it’s the same with a samurai. If a samurai’s sword or weapon is taken away, then he ceases to be a samurai. Why is a separate question in the context of Japanese culture. But a samurai without a sword is just a Japanese guy dressed like a samurai. But he’s not a samurai. So, passive aggression cannot be. It simply cannot be by the definition of the term. If aggression has ceased to be active, it has ceased to be aggression at all. Aggression is possible only in its active manifestation. What is aggression? Aggression is a natural reaction of a healthy animal to a violation of its boundaries: thanks to Nobel laureate K. Lorenz and other ethologists who examined this topic in detail and thoughtfully... And any person, any of us, has aggression in this sense. We are born with it. It is an unconditioned reflex, that is, a behavior pattern inherent from birth. A newborn baby screams so loudly and persistently, including precisely because he does not yet have any other way of showing his own aggression. The aggression already exists, but there is no way to channel it in any other way than yelling into the surrounding space. And the world around him is very infuriating, the world is invading his territory, it irritates him with its noises, flashes of light, pungent smells, it shamelessly violates his boundaries... And so he yells something like this: “What the fuck?!.. Leave me alone.” , let me eat and sleep, why are there so many stimuli around that I’m being forced to react to?!.. Who are all these people?.. No, how normal it was inside my mother, why the hell did you even get me out of there?!..” In short, a baby is a healthy animal, and that is why it is so aggressive. He should eat and sleep, which is completely normal: each of us wants this, right?.. And everything and everyone that interferes with this, that creates obstacles for us to do this, is a violation of our borders, an invasion of our territory, about which you need to immediately express your dissatisfaction... Well, and then this healthy aggression in us begins to slowly, slowly and latently, and sometimes directly, rudely, and unceremoniously, be suppressed. The adult trainers around us are beginning to break this unconditioned reflex in us, depriving us of the ability to defend our borders and resist intrusion into our territory. ANDlittle by little, they replace it with a conditioned reflex: the ability to freeze in fear and stick their tongue in one place every time someone invades our territory. This is how terpils, victims of bullying, persons with victimized behavior, and other average citizens of any country are raised: the hope and support of any political regime, an integral element of any systematic violence, be it domestic, even family, or official. It takes two to dance: one rapes, the other endures. And for this, the second person needs to reduce the mechanism of aggression, that is, the ability to self-defense: preferably to complete zero. And already in adulthood, these people, with the mechanism of natural aggression broken in childhood, flood the offices of psychologists. They come there as victims of bullying, as children who did not undergo separation from their parents, as spouses who were unable to get along in their own family... And the psychologist helps them restore this mechanism: fortunately, as was said just above, human behavior continues to remain manageable and changeable, regardless from the severity of the psychological trauma inflicted on a person... Now try to answer yourself the question: how can such an important mechanism be “passive” at all? So a boxer enters the ring. And he has a task from the coach: to deliver passive blows. Conduct passive defense. Try to win with a passive knockout. How long will he stand there with such a task?.. I’ll tell you how long: five seconds, at best. And then he lies down, and is unlikely to get up... The fight can only be active, just like a boxer. A samurai without a sword is no longer a samurai. And aggression, ceasing to be active, ceases to be aggression. Your territory is being invaded, your borders are being violated, but you do not respond and do not defend yourself. That is, there is no aggression. It simply doesn’t exist. But what is there?.. What do people constantly confuse it with, this so-called “passive aggression”, which doesn’t exist? Everything is banal and simple: with irritation. Irritation is a vivid emotion familiar to everyone. But here it is, in contrast to aggression, which always manifests itself clearly, openly, and unambiguously, indeed, and is experienced by you yourself as if “in the background,” and is perceived by another person in the same way. “Why are you irritated?..Me?.. Not at all.” I’m not annoyed...” Sounds familiar? Well, of course...We also camouflage it, our irritation. I wouldn’t say: yes, I’m annoyed! But then I will have to answer the interlocutor’s questions about the reasons for my irritation... And he may even be offended, taking my irritation personally. But I don’t want to offend him... And if I don’t want to offend him, then I’ll have to give answers... But I don’t have answers to these questions. I’m annoyed - and why, I don’t understand... It’s good that the psychologist understands. Are you annoyed, he says? Well. Yes, I nod. So, are you suppressing your anxiety? Well, I’m probably nodding less confidently. Well, of course, says the psychologist. Irritation is suppressed anxiety. The standard vicious circle of modern man. Modern man, thanks to the information trash heap surrounding him, in which he rummages indiscriminately every day, like a heavily drunk homeless person, is permeated with anxiety. What if they don’t approve the loan?.. Or what if, on the contrary, they approve?.. What if I never get married?.. Or what if I marry, but the wrong one?.. Or what if I marry the wrong person, but won’t be able to give birth?.. Or even worse - I can?.. And then what?.. What if they fire me? What if they downgrade? Or will they let you go altogether?.. What if there’s a war tomorrow?.. What if there’s a campaign tomorrow? What if tomorrow is a flood?.. You can’t even escape it through the Upper Lars... If anxiety is not suppressed, then it will come out in the form of shaking hands, panic attacks, and eye pupils like those of a crazy cat. That's why we suppress it. And suppressed anxiety inevitably turns into irritation. And so the husband sits at the table, looking at the gadget (indeed, it would be better not to look!), and the wife turns around from the stove and asks: “Darling, blah blah blah?..” It doesn’t matter at all what she asks. It is important what and how he answers. And he answers through gritted teeth something like this: “Can you leave me alone?.. Don’t you have anything to do?..” And he doesn’t seem to be yelling,.