A person cannot live in chaos, apparently that’s why we love rules and stereotypes so much. And they, in turn, love us... to drive us into a corner and make our life unbearable. The mother and father love their child, and the child loves his parents. Isn't this the harmony of life's existence? Isn't this a worthy plot of a fairy tale told with love to a baby at night? But what to do when harmony is at a critical point from you and the disharmony of dislike fills the entire sound space? What to do when guilt paralyzes your movement? And if movement is life, then what remains beyond it? The rating of the most popular problems with which people turn to me for psychological help is headed by the topic of lack of parental love. So, how much of it does everyone need in order to stand confidently on their feet, gaining the ability to rush to the horizons of creativity and self-expression. How can it be measured? In generous kisses, tight hugs, kind and tender words from a mother to her own child? Nutritional deficiencies lead to underweight and development, but what does a lack of maternal love lead to? How can it be turned on in the mother’s heart and where are its boundaries and indicators of sufficiency? There are two very painful aspects to this problem: the oppressive feeling of guilt that arises in a mother who does not feel a sense of emotional attachment to her child and the actual consequences of this situation for the child, who, being already an adult, does not stop experiencing this traumatic situation. In a society where the axiom “a respected woman is a mother who ALWAYS loves her child” reigns, in December last year a blog with the topic “I don’t love my child” became the record holder for popularity on the Internet. One can imagine the flurry of angry responses he caused. I also posted an excerpt from this blog on the popular forum “Tamboff.ru” in the region and it turned out that this topic did not leave many visitors indifferent: Svetmira: I’ll tell you about myself. My mother doesn't know how to express love. She never kissed me, stroked my head, or praised me. She often scolded me. But I can understand her. She also had an oppressive mother. When I was 11, my father left the family, leaving my mother without a job or livelihood. She worked like hell in those terrible 90s to feed me. When I was in adolescence, and like all children, I was “messing up,” she always helped me. But I never heard from her that I was her favorite daughter. Does she love me? I know that he loves me, but I realized this already as an adult, and my entire childhood passed with the thought that I was not loved. Despite this, I adore my children. I try to kiss them more often and tell them that they are loved. Maybe I’m trying to compensate for what I didn’t receive in childhood. I don't care. I want them to know that I love them. Mom thinks words don't mean anything. Just business. I think differently. So such stories are not uncommon. It’s just that not everyone knows how to forgive, understand and put themselves in the place of another. =KaCaTkA=Exactly the same situation. Only with the absence of a father. My mother loves me, but she has never expressed her love openly. And I decided as a child that everything would be different for me. I am a fairly strict mother, but in our family there is a lot of affection and the most important words “I love you”. Just like that, for no reason. Klio I was reading here and thinking about it, but I have a similar story... My mother never said that she loved me, basically she was always dissatisfied with something, and even in childhood (from about 12 years old) she laid her stress on me responsibilities... I had to wash, clean, for myself and my older brother, and no words of gratitude or praise! And when she asked: Why me? the answer is always the same: You’re a girl... I felt like Cinderella... Light: A similar situation... I also really missed affection as a child, but there was more than enough screaming. I know that my mother loves me very much and I love her very much, but, unfortunately, we have never had a real trusting relationship. She never knew whyI'm worried about which boy I'm in love with, no details at all. Because I knew that, firstly, the whole world would know about it, and secondly, in the heat of the next quarrel it would hurt and humiliate me. To be honest, I was jealous of the girls who said that their mother was their best friend. I didn't have that. I was more of a daddy's girl. And what also really bothered me was when my parents discussed my appearance and made fun of me, seemingly as a joke, but it was clear what a blow it was to the self-esteem of a teenage girl. Because of this, I used to have a lot of complexes that poisoned my life. Only by moving away from my parents and starting to live on my own did I manage to get rid of most of these complexes. I try to behave differently with my son. Of course, it happens, sometimes I shout if he doesn’t listen at all, but he receives much more affection from me, namely hugs, kisses, kind words, which I so lacked. And I will do everything to ensure that he trusts me, because I know how to keep other people's secrets. When discussing the topic of maternal love, the concept is often substituted. Firstly, it is difficult to give a clear definition of this very love. Secondly, most often mothers take care of their children, raise them, try to give them everything they need, and worry about them. But they cannot show this love through physical movement (hug, stroke, kiss) simply because they do not have such a skill; they themselves were not taught this in childhood. A completely different situation arises when a woman does not really feel a sense of deep emotional attachment to her child. Western statistics are often cited, where half of the women surveyed noted that they began to love their child almost immediately after birth, and the other half, that only after the birth of their second child. And even after the birth of the first grandson. Bert Hellinger, a famous German psychotherapist, inventor of the method of systemic generic constellations, claims that there is always a strong connection between parents and children. This connection does not depend on the current relationship (who is raising the child) and the feelings experienced (I love dad, but I don’t love mom). This connection acts with equal force both in relation to the father and in relation to the mother. For this connection to appear, the biological fact of motherhood and fatherhood is sufficient. For this reason, this connection operates even in such an extreme case, when the father and mother had the only short-term meeting with each other in their lives. And this is clearly manifested in his phenomenological method of generic constellations. A person becomes stronger by discovering the ability to love his parents and recognizing this love. By criticizing our mother or father, we thereby cut ourselves off from the most important movement that leads us to our lives, says Bert Hellinger. What happens because of love can only be dissolved in love. In my practice as a psychologist, I often use the meditation exercise that Hellinger offered to the participants of the 2nd International Constellation Camp in Pichl (translation from English by A. Stepanov with the participation of E. Veselago, June 2008), it allows you to find support and find the strength to solve difficult life problems: “So, close your eyes... We look at our mother as she is. And then we see and allow ourselves to feel what it meant to her to become our mother. She met our father, and both of them had an overwhelming desire to become man and woman as a couple. This desire, since it was irresistible to them, was a divine movement. The fact that it was irresistible indicates that there was a divine power at work behind their love and their desire to become man and woman and to be a couple. Divine power. And then she suddenly realized that she was pregnant; she suddenly realized that her life had changed. Her whole life became different, gained a different perspective, and of course, she immediately realized that her youth was over. Now real life has begun».