From the author: The article was published on my blog “Errors in thinking or conversations for awareness” 1. Minor tension or easily relieved tension. Earlier we talked about emotional upsurge, here we will talk about a temporary emotional decline caused by a mild degree of disappointment, irritation, sadness, but not very significant for us. It could be someone else's problem told to us, but not directly related to us. Some unfair (in our opinion) act towards people we know or don’t know. Although we will feel tension, if the event does not affect us personally, then we can easily escape from the tension. Such tension is relieved by switching attention, muscle relaxation, and breathing practices. Most often, we switch easily, without including thought processes, and we do it without awareness. It would be useful for self-researchers to pay attention to the belief that caused this tension, because if this event affects us personally, the tension will have a different force. From all this it follows that we easily relieve the tension that was caused by any event that is not directly related to us. If we are emotionally “hooked” on this event, it means we have come into conflict with our beliefs. 2. Tension that takes away our strength. This state is very good for working on yourself. Of course, it takes away our strength, but it does not become obsessive, as in the case of neurosis. How this tension arises and how it affects us can be read in my article “Depressive Film”. =====================Sketch - I have such a sore subject, I don’t like it when my things are taken without asking. For example, my office colleagues silently take the stapler and hole punch from my desk; when we moved, all this was left in another building. And every time they do this, I have such dissatisfaction inside, I get tense and angry, but I don’t say anything because it’s inconvenient, for them it seems like it’s in the order of things, for me it’s not, and they won’t understand me. I think maybe I have a problem, I can’t handle this any easier. But I’m already tempted to say that when they take my things, they don’t forget about “please.” - Think and write how you can say - I have a small request for you, don’t take things from my table without permission, it makes me angry when they do this, I don’t feel sorry, it’s just the way I was raised. Could you do this for me? I feel like I’ve shrunk, I’m so ashamed. Uncomfortable, fear that they will turn away from me. — What is more important for you: to say once that you are unpleasant in order to change the situation, or to be annoyed all the time because someone takes something from you without asking? - It’s more important to say it once. - To be heard, the first thing you need to do is talk about your feelings. Let this be a practice for you - learn to talk about how you feel. Work on mistakes: “I have a small request for you” Why belittle yourself in the first place? This is important for you. “Don’t take things from my table without permission, it makes me angry when they do this” - this phrase already carries irritation, and I doubt that you will be able to voice it calmly and kindly. Do you feel the emotional message yourself? “I’m not sorry, it’s just the way I was brought up” - an excuse, like, well, it’s not my fault. “Could you do that for me?” - manipulation of one's importance. What if they continue to do as always, then you will feel unimportant to them? The request might look something like this: “Colleagues, I have a big request to ask of you. I get very irritated when someone takes something from my table without asking, I wouldn’t want this irritation to fall on you. When you take something from my table, please warn me about it.” But these are my words, write it yourself, how you would say it. — My dears, I have a big request to ask of you. I actually get very annoyed, although I don’t show it, when they take something from me.without asking. I wouldn’t want my accumulated irritation to fall on you one day when you take something from my table. Please warn me about this. I don’t like the word “annoyed”; it makes the comment heavier. And if you make it like this: “My dears, I have a big request to you. In general, I don’t really like it when people take things from my table without asking. Of course, I didn’t tell you about this before; I was somehow embarrassed to say so. Could you warn me when you take something from me? I made this request to myself, I feel tension, shame, and rejection towards the person who scolded me. Another option: I have such a big request to you. I would be very pleased if you warned me (informed) when you take things from my table, I just don’t really like it when people take my things without asking. Thank you for your understanding. The word “reported” sounds softer. - You know, the first option did not cause any resistance from me. Of course it will also depend on intonation. In the last option, you seem to be trying to be “good” and personally it did not resonate with me. — The word “Irritated” in it scares me. “I wouldn’t want my accumulated irritation to fall on you one day when you take something from my table.” This sounds like a threat, I tense up from this phrase. “This doesn’t sound like a threat, but a warning.” And in this version the true truth is that it annoys you. You declare your possible condition and ask not to be brought to it. Why are you afraid to be yourself? - I'm scared to say this. Today I couldn’t squeeze anything out of myself again. We work in the same office, I’m afraid that they will consider me greedy, it will offend them, and because of this the relationship will deteriorate. Although on the other hand it makes me angry, and the anger accumulates. The accumulated anger will fly out in the form of heels at them, and this can ruin the relationship even more. By saying this phrase, I will just show concern for the relationship. - With this phrase you show concern for the relationship, and you care for yourself and for them at the same time. Your task is not to try to be good, but to remember that you are marking your territory and have the right to do so, since everyone wins.================= Any tension that takes away we have strength, shows us that we are in conflict with our convictions. From the above example, several beliefs can be identified, for example: it is impossible to take other people’s things without asking; it is inconvenient to talk about what you feel; it is necessary to remain good to others. If such convictions are absent, then it will not be difficult for a person to tell his colleagues that he is unpleasant that his things are taken without asking and ask them not to do this again. Moreover, the girl noticed that it is possible for colleagues to take other people’s things in the order of things, they do not have the same belief “you cannot take other people’s things without asking.” It is not always easy to find beliefs, but it is the search and finding of them that gives us the opportunity to understand what is happening to us and how best to act in a given situation. In other words, finding our beliefs gives us the opportunity to cope with our stress, change our condition and situation. 3. Neurosis or obsessive states. Neurosis or obsessive states appear when tension grips us so strongly that we do not see the possibility of freeing ourselves from it, and, accordingly, are unable to solve the problem constructively. Even if we see our conviction or demand, we are not able to free ourselves from it, since we consider the situation insurmountable. This high and often prolonged stress has a negative reaction on the body and mental state. Our intellectual abilities and energy resources of the body are reduced. From the outside, our actions and words may seem inadequate, although within ourselves we will be trusted that we are doing the right thing and that this is the only possible solution. Let's look at this with an example. A girl learns about the betrayal of her loved one. What happenedWhat would be the most effective thing to do in this situation? Probably talk directly to your boyfriend, say what she learned (heard, saw) and talk about the feelings she experienced. It is quite possible that the information she received could not be true, be far-fetched or not supported by facts, in case someone needed to “drive a wedge” into the relationship. In any case, the situation needs to be clarified before driving yourself into neurosis. But what would she most likely do in a situation like this? He will believe the rumors, screw himself up and lash out with reproaches and claims against his loved one. The tension that arose at the moment of receiving information will increase to unbearable proportions. Consciousness will be sharply limited by the framework of this problem. And as soon as the scope of consciousness narrows, a person is not able to see a way out of the problem. Such concentration on a problem blinds a person; there is no opportunity to see the problem from the outside; a person unwittingly drives himself into a dead end. In such a driven state, personality traits begin to appear that will not contribute to productive interaction, and chronic diseases will also worsen. Based on our example, if a girl does not attack her lover, she may begin to follow the man - where, when and with whom he communicates, which she would never allow herself to do in a normal situation. Or she will announce to the man that the relationship is breaking up, completely not wanting to part with him in her heart. At such moments, she does not think at all about the consequences of her behavior. And after some time you will regret your actions. Do you know the state when you emotionally committed actions that you later regretted? When did strong emotional stress become obsessive, and the only solution you saw was to release this stress on your offender? And then they were surprised: how could I do this, it wasn’t me at all! If you find yourself in such a state, then the first thing you need to do is give up solving the problem right now. It is extremely difficult to solve a problem, let alone find your conviction at such a moment, since our consciousness is narrowed. Remember what Scarlett O'Hara said? “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” Therefore, our task, before solving the problem, is to find a way to relieve our stress. Firstly, it is better to “sleep” with the problem, since “the morning is wiser than the evening.” I know that in a state of neurosis this is often not easy to do, but it is necessary in order to preserve your psyche and not give free rein to chronic diseases. Sleep is the foundation of our health. In addition to sleep, there are three more ways to relieve stress: The first way is to switch attention. Finding yourself in an obsessive state, when only one thought is spinning in your head - “who is to blame?” or “what should I do?”, with an effort of will we switch our thoughts to solving some problem, using the power of negative emotional stress. How to transform your negative feelings into positive actions can be found in the article “Optimism or Pessimism. The choice is yours". The second method is self-order. Self-order requires a lot of effort on your part. You need to consciously motivate yourself to complete a task. Swimming, running, methodical classes (embroidery, knitting, etc.), chatting with friends, etc. are good for relieving stress. And keep your attention on this activity, and maybe even enjoy it. If you cannot “pull yourself together” on your own, then you can turn to someone who will not pity you, namely, “shake your brain” so that you can switch your attention to some action. The third way is to focus your attention on something else. The fact is that we cannot hold two problems in our heads at the same time. Therefore, you need to focus your attention on what you can solve now. So that you can perform another action, ask yourself: Why do I need to perform this action? And write down as many possible answers as possible so that they motivate you to.