The ability to say “No” is an important quality that helps us maintain our boundaries, and also teaches us to respect our interests and needs. If we agree when we really don’t want to, we hoard resentment, anger. We expect a medal for our sacrifice and don't get it. And there is also a whole range of feelings, right up to self-loathing from internal disagreement between “Damn, well, I don’t want to..” and “Okay, let’s do it.” I can’t refuse people’s requests, and if I refuse, then I beat myself up, I blame, I think “I should have answered differently...” Why is this so? My friends call with a lot of problems, I always listen to everyone, I’m busy, I’m not busy, but I always pick up the phone and listen. See you? Please, I will always find time. And it seems like it’s not bad, but it’s too tight on my neck. I'm getting tired of this myself. Tired of being comfortable.. (collective client example) Why is it difficult to say “No”? There are several options why it may be difficult to say “No”. Imagine that you told someone important to you “No”. What will happen? Will he get angry? Will he stop communicating with you? This is the answer to the question "Why". Fear of aggression, fear of rejection or abandonment. These fears begin in early childhood. “I must agree and do everything that is asked of me, then they will love me.” This happens if we grow up in a family where disagreement with elders or disobedience threatened the loss of a significant person. A classic example is when mom got offended and didn’t speak for several days. By the way, I wrote about withholding (punishment by silence) here. Or if the child pleased the parents, because it’s scary and unsafe when the parent is “out of sorts.” Thus, the emotional state of other people gradually becomes more important than my own: “If I refuse someone else something, he will feel bad: he will be offended, angry, disappointed. I will ruin the relationship and feel guilty.” Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on UnsplashWhat we think about to ourselves when we choose to say “Yes” instead of “No”? I don’t want to seem selfish I want to be considered good, kind I don’t want to argue I don’t want to seem rude, heartless I want to be left behind I hope that they won’t refuse me when I need it I can’t cope with feeling of guiltI feel irreplaceable. They can’t cope without me. If not me, then who? They won’t love me if I refuse. How to learn to say “No”? Learn to say an honest “Yes”. Usually, if “No” is bad, then “Yes” will be questionable. Learn to ask yourself the question: “Do I need this?” Say “Yes” when it aligns with your values ​​and priorities. When you sincerely want to. Then “No” will follow. If it’s difficult to give an answer from a running start, then ask for time. When the time arises, ask yourself the question from the previous paragraph. Use the “good question” technique. Think out loud, ask for more information, ask questions. Say “No” and explain your reasons. If it’s safer this way and there is such an opportunity, then indicate specific reasons why you refuse. This will make it easier for a person to understand your position. Look around for an example of a person who can easily refuse. When you need to refuse, imagine yourself as this person - how would he behave? Refuse from his image. Determine to whom and in what situations it is most difficult for you to say “No”. You can keep a diary. Who is more difficult to refuse? Partner, mother, children, boss? To what wording do you most often say “Yes” instead of “No”? For example, “I can’t live without you,” “don’t leave me,” etc. Remember that every time you answer “No” instead of a dubious “Yes,” you are doing GOOD for yourself, choosing YOURSELF, and also building open and respectful relationships with others. When you communicate your boundaries clearly, you protect your needs. Don't expect other people to respect your boundaries by default. They don't know where they are going. This is also why it is important to learn to say “No.” Read on the topic: P. Kunze “The ability to say “No.” Simple practices for gaining inner freedom.” You can make an appointment with me for a consultation on this and other topics at)