From the author: You know, it can be so ashamed that it is difficult to look people in the eyes, you want to disappear, sink into the ground and never appear in front of these people again. When it seems that now they will point their finger at you and say something like “ewww, so that’s what you are like/how you really are...”, and they will leave and won’t want to know you anymore. You know, it can be so embarrassing that it’s hard look into people's eyes, you want to disappear, fall into the ground and never appear in front of these people again. When it seems that now they will point their finger at you and say something like “ewww, so this is what you are like/how you really are...”, and they will leave and not want to know you anymore. This is approximately how clients describe their shame. At the same time, they cower and blush with shame. There is shame, which I would call “ordinary.” One that helps you communicate with people and prevents you from committing any immoral and socially disapproved actions. For example, relieving yourself in public or something similar. And it happens that you don’t relieve yourself in public, it seems like you’re not doing anything immoral, but you’re ashamed of yourself. For the fact that you “don’t measure up”, for not being smart enough or beautiful enough. For the fact that, as it seems to us, we do not correspond to the society in which we find ourselves. For achieving little. For the fact that by the age of 40 you don’t have your own business, and three children don’t count. This kind of shame in which we find ourselves “not up to...” I call it toxic shame. Usually, our cheeks turn red, our heartbeat quickens, we feel hot, our palms sweat, and some even have tears welling up. And it is very difficult to raise your eyes to those around you; it seems that at this moment everyone is looking at you. This shame is toxic because it poisons our existence. Makes you angry and hate yourself. As one man I know said, “I am the king of missed opportunities,” he suffered from bouts of hatred towards everyone around him, including himself. And few people can tell how ashamed such people are of themselves. Not for any of his actions, but for the fact that a person is who he is. You always want to be someone else. It’s very scary and embarrassing to show your true self. People with toxic shame have the idea in their heads that the real them are no good, they won’t be loved and they won’t want to communicate with them. Many people live with the idea that they need to improve and improve themselves. Since the mid-20th century, the concepts of “love” and “achievement” have been stuck together in our heads. That is, “they will love me if I achieve this and that, but if I don’t achieve this, then I’m a loser and they won’t love me.” Or “if I improve, then they will finally love me.” And these nice people run for achievements and improvements. But the problem is that no matter what they achieve and how much they improve, they do not feel a sense of satisfaction and cannot “rest on their laurels.” They experience a decrease in internal tension - that’s all... And then, not for long. A new height immediately appears that must be taken. And the race continues. There is no talk of any satisfaction. And everything that has been achieved does not allow one to feel “worthy”, the achievements seem not particularly valuable, and the person still sees himself as “not reaching…” (insert your word) And again one becomes ashamed…. And all these nice people are you and me, because almost every one of us is infected with toxic shame. If you think about it and observe your reactions, you will probably notice this infection in yourself. Well, as often happens, toxic shame comes from childhood. Many of us were raised with shame and guilt. We were compared with other children not in our favor. They told me how smart Mashenka from the next door was, that she was studying music, and here you were... They suppressed manifestations of spontaneous interest with the words “shame on you.” So you started asking questions to your parents’ friends who came to visit, and they said to you, “Well, aren’t you ashamed to ask such awkward (stupid) questions...” and sent to their room, away from guests... In fact, there can be many options in which toxic shame is formed.!