From the author: Let's try to analyze a common request, looking at it from different angles, using different approaches to therapy for relationships in couples. Not the most trivial topic, by the way. The request enjoys stable popularity: We have been in a relationship with a man for a long time (recently, a very long time - underline as appropriate). How can I get him to give me flowers? No, I myself won’t tell him about this! Yes, as a rule, the first thing a psychologist will ask is: “If you need your husband or boyfriend to give you flowers, then why don’t you ask him for it?” This is usually followed by the above-described reaction of the client, who clearly felt that the psychologist did not understand her and told her something stupid, or at least something very strange. Let's consider from the point of view of different psychological theories and approaches what can really be hidden behind such a request - “How to make a man start giving me flowers?” And why this might be important for a woman. * * * * * * * Cognitive behavioral therapy. Let's start with the behavioral, or as it is also called, behavioral approach. In general, if one person needs something from another person, and especially if we are talking about male-female relationships, then women have two main strategies to achieve what they want: with the help of force, or by seduction. In the first case, a woman directly demands what she wants, blowing the mind of the faithful, as it is commonly called today, so that it will be easier for him to give flowers than to constantly listen to her complaints about why he doesn’t give her flowers. In the second case, the man will be pleased to give flowers in response to her pleasant actions. Also, the behavioral technique of achieving the desired occurs through training: reinforcement of the desired experience. The “0 and 1” technique - a woman is happy and glows when she is given something, and is simply calm if she is not given something. After a while, the man will start making gifts if the woman does everything right. To do everything correctly means to really rejoice and be calm, and the second necessary parameter is to under no circumstances tell the man being trained about the training - this immediately nullifies the whole effect. An example of such a phrase that levels the effect: “You see, I smiled at you yesterday, and today you treated me to ice cream again!” As a guide for behavioral training, you can use Keren Pryor’s book “Don’t Growl at the Dog.”* * * * * * * Emotionally -focused therapy. The emotionally focused approach is based on the idea that symptoms are a manifestation of hidden fears, and an attempt to cope with them. A woman's request can be considered as a symptom of her condition. The phrase “I want him to give me flowers, but I won’t tell him about it” will presumably mean that she does not need flowers from him, but confirmation of his love, as a manifestation of her some kind of fear, for example, the fear of being abandoned , abandoned. Then, of course, the psychologist’s recommendation to ask him to buy her flowers will not help, because if he fulfills the request and does not give it himself, this in no way means that he really loves her and is driven by his inner motives, and the fear does not dissipate. In such a situation (by testing this hypothesis with a question and seeing how emotionally it resonates), you can tell the client that it is the property of all fears to narrow consciousness. And that she, waiting for this particular sign, may not notice other signs that he transmits to her, but she does not perceive them. And ask her how she now knows about his attitude towards her? What does he do for this? And if a man were in an office and he was asked if he somehow expresses his love, what would he answer? Fears and myths. There may also be a manifestation of the myth that “normal men give normal women normal flowers.” . That’s why she needs flowers, a feeling of her normality and his normality and the normality of the situation, their relationship. And this is also a kind of fear that they are “not like people.” * * * * * * *.