"I hate my mother... I despise my father..." The impetus for writing this article was conversations with my compartment neighbor when I was returning to Omsk from Buryatia. And since our joint journey was quite long, we naturally met and started talking, as they say simply “once upon a time” (I try not to talk about my professional activities to fellow travelers and other casual acquaintances). So, Vitaly, that was the name my neighbor, originally from Chelyabinsk, serves in one of the military units stationed in Chita with the rank of officer, is married and has a five-year-old daughter. From his words, I realized that he felt quite happy. But recently, serious troubles have begun in his service, “the end and the end”, which is not yet in sight. He gave me the impression of a fairly self-confident young man who knows what he wants “from this life.” At first Vitaly joked a lot, told funny stories from his childhood, cadet, officer and personal life, and then, as often happens with random fellow travelers, he began to talk about what was “choking him.” Apparently, he really wanted to speak out and unconsciously “unload” on someone what was going on in his soul, and I turned out to be an attentive listener. So, his next story began with the words: “I hate my father. I despise him... I told him that he no longer has a son, and I no longer have a father. We haven’t communicated with him for almost a year: I don’t call him myself and I forbid my wife to do so. I ignored a couple of his calls, and now he doesn’t call himself - ... he’s proud...” At the same time, I quite clearly felt that, while saying these words, Vitaly, on the one hand, was filled with burning aggression, hatred, resentment towards his parent, and, on the other hand, in his emotional state one could read the deep childish love of a boy and a son for his father , but which the young man denied to himself and tried to skillfully disguise. And since he himself was the initiator of this conversation and was waiting for a response and questions from me, I considered it possible for myself to enter into a dialogue with him on a topic that concerned him, especially since in this case I acted as only a random fellow traveler. In my opinion question: “Didn’t he have the feeling that by abandoning his father, he was thereby, as it were, depriving himself of his “roots,” his life foundation?” Vitaly flared up and began to seek and remember only the bad things from his childhood: “He started living with us when I was already six years old! Where was he all this time?! He didn’t need me then either! He gave me nothing at all, like a father! And I’m strong, I’ll do everything myself and achieve everything myself,” Vitaly seethed. To which I carefully noted that just yesterday he was telling me about his childhood and youth achievements in sports, about participating in concerts when he studied at a music school, about a class trip along the “Golden Ring of Russia”, about how, at the end After all, that he received sufficient life potential from his parents, thanks to which he was able to enter and graduate from college, thereby laying the foundation for his future. And, based on this, I can assume that his parents and dad, including, tried to provide very comfortable conditions for the life of their son, not counting the fact that they gave him the most important thing - his life. Vitaly noticeably cooled down, but still tried to actively “defend himself”: “Yes, he didn’t teach me anything, he didn’t pay attention to me, didn’t play with me when I was little, he never came to see me at the military institute in five years ..." And I continued: “Who did you most take from those traits of your character that helped you achieve what you have achieved, to whom do you owe your ability to achieve your goals, stand up for yourself, and many other things that you told me about yesterday . Mom?" “... No, to my father,” Vitaly said in a low voice. “And after that, you say that your father didn’t give you anything?” was my next question. To which Vitaly remained silent and went into the vestibule to smoke. He was gone long enough... Having returned, he silently took his place inour compartment. It was clear that his Soul was torn by contradictions. He was silent. I was silent too. But his “inner child”, a small, offended boy, “raised his head”: “He used to drink a lot and get rowdy. I behaved haphazardly." Our next dialogue went something like this: “Did he offend you when he was drunk?” – I asked. “No.” I didn’t see him drunk. - How do you know about this? - Mom told me. I said that my father began to live with us when I was six years old, and he drank before that. - Did I understand correctly that when my father began to live with you, he no longer abused alcohol? - Yes. I never saw him drunk. “What was so hard about your father’s life then, that he numbed himself with alcohol for six years?” Vitaly’s face visibly changed. For a moment, a whole range of feelings was reflected in him. It was noticeable that his Soul was overwhelmed, replacing each other with pain, compassion, denial, and confusion... I understood from Vitaly’s state that although he knew the story of his father, he never “looked there” as an adult... And in the life of his father, according to Vitaly, there really was a lot of hard things: he was left an orphan at the age of 5, first his older sister took him in to raise him, then boarding school... the street... prison at the age of 16... the strongest love and the breakup of this relationship... “Here “You, Vitaly,” I began, “are offended by your father because, as you yourself say, he didn’t teach you anything, didn’t pay attention to you, didn’t play with you when you were little. Did he himself get this from his father? From whom could your father learn how to behave with his son? He had no such experience - he had not had a father since he was five. How could he give you something that he himself did not have?... And at the same time, like a father, he gave you as much as he could and as best he could. And one more thing... Look how much inner strength your father has - to survive everything difficult, and start a new life with dignity: get a decent education, create and support his family. But in order to cope with the difficult, he had to pay a rather high price - six years in alcohol, away from his son, from his family. And, perhaps, alcohol then was the only way out for him to cope with the pain that was tearing apart his Soul, and possibly his body. After all, alcohol is a powerful pain reliever. But he coped with it... and returned to the family when he “got over the disease”, when, perhaps, he became confident that he could be a worthy support for his family. And it was like this...” Vitaly listened silently and did not even try to interrupt me, as before, inserting caustic remarks about his father. I saw from his face and body that, on the one hand, he was doing hard internal work, there was an awareness of our conversation, on the other hand, it was clear that the negative feelings were gone and “the shoots of agreement and acceptance began to break through”... And it was time for me going to. In an hour and a half - Omsk. We spent this time in silence, each doing his own thing. And I don’t know whether Vitaly will take the first step towards reconciliation with his father (but I want to believe that this will be the case), but I know that the young man was able to look at his conflict with his father from a different angle, more broadly... And , when the time came to say goodbye, he said only one word to me: “Thank you,” and in response I said goodbye to him, like a fellow traveler, and wished him all the best. I did not specifically describe the reason for the discord between Vitaly and his father, I will only say that there was no question of life, honor and dignity here. And the troubles that began in his service, which fell on him “out of the blue,” may have been a consequence of his unconscious emotional state - a state of loss of support, an attempt to deprive himself of something very important - his “roots”... The relationship between parents and children can be viewed metaphorically like a river, a river of life, which flows as a single stream in only one direction, feeding and filling from its source... And if suddenly some “small stream” of this river stops “taking” from its source, “wants to leave,” then it arises A rather rare phenomenon in nature is the bifurcation of rivers. And it never happens that the resulting divergent flows are completelyidentical in power. One of the streams will inevitably deepen earlier, and all the water will go into it, while the bed of the second will remain dry. And you can probably guess how it will dry up... And from the point of view of the systemic-phenomenological approach in psychology, only those who took their life from their parents in its entirety are fully happy. And, the one who rejects his parents, in fact, rejects life itself. Anyone who reproaches one of their parents or excludes someone from their Soul, even mentally, ends up in an “unreliable place in their ancestral system.” And then “...life diminishes, and the person becomes unhappy” - half-hearted and lives with this emptiness in the Soul. We can only be at peace with ourselves when we are at peace with our parents. And, as a conclusion to this part of my article, I will give words (meditation) that an “adult child” may sometimes want to say to his parents: I accept everything what you gave me. You gave me as much as you could. And I am grateful to you for that. I can do everything else myself. And now I leave you alone. And now I will describe a case from my practice in family constellations: Erzhena, 33 years old, tends to experience a feeling of abandonment, loneliness, it seems to her that she is not given enough attention. Her family is her husband, with whom, according to her, they live as neighbors, and her daughter, 9 years old, towards whom the client has very cool feelings and she responds in kind. At the same time, professionally the young woman is very successful. There she enjoys well-deserved respect and recognition. Looking at Erzhena, the first thing that catches your eye is her face. You begin to see that this is not the face of an adult woman, but the grimace of a little frightened girl who is about to cry. After the client put the selected “Deputies” in the field, one of the participants, appointed as the “Deputy” of our heroine, complained that from “ mother,” who stood face to face with her, a wave of icy cold comes. During the course of leading questions to Erzhena, who was watching what was happening from the hall, it turned out that she and her mother have a deep estrangement - the young woman still cannot forgive, that her mother often left her as a little girl to be raised by her mother-in-law and father. “She came to visit me very rarely. Sometimes she even forgot to congratulate me on my birthday...”, although the client’s voice trembled slightly during the story, her whole image was filled with coldness, as if she was turning into the “Snow Queen” before our eyes. Subsequent movements of the participants in the conditional space of fate revealed a certain emptiness next to the “mother cuckoo”. Again a delicate probing of the family situation. And... It turns out that the heroine’s mother herself was deprived of maternal affection in early childhood: even during pregnancy, her mother, our client’s grandmother, rejects her child and repeatedly tries to abort him, because... became pregnant as a result of rape. Erzhena learned about this from her grandmother who was raising her, who spoke very unflatteringly about her maternal relatives. Telling her difficult family story, the client finally became “frozen”, her face looked emotionless, and there were notes of coldness and indifference in her voice. It was obvious that the young woman felt absolutely no connection with her mother or her maternal grandmother. By the way, this dynamic has already been reflected in the emotional relationship between the client and her daughter (Erzhena complained about the “coolness” with her daughter). And only the rediscovery of the lost connection could melt this “Frozen Heart”... When Erzhena saw what warm feelings and love the great-grandmother’s “Deputy” had for her daughter, the client’s grandmother, the woman’s face again acquired a childish expression. And when the “Deputy” Great-Grandmother said to her daughter: “So that no difficult things happen in your life, you will always remain my daughter. I will always love you. And I give this love to you,” Erzhena’s “children’s eyes” began to fill with tears. Obeying an internal impulse, the “Deputy” grandmother was able to turn to face her “daughter”, who stoodlowering his head down. They stood there for quite a long time, without raising their eyes. According to their “Deputies,” both had a lot of pain and a lot of guilt. Then I asked them to look into each other’s eyes and for the “mother” to tell her daughter: “I was not able to give you the necessary love, support and security that you so needed... But I know for sure that if I could rewind time back, I wouldn’t change anything in my life, but would repeat everything as it was, as long as you were just born, my daughter... I love you... I gave you as much as a mother as I could...". “Daughter” burst into tears and rushed into the arms of “Mother.” And then, filled with this love, she turned to her child - the “Deputy” of our heroine. Erzhena could no longer hold back her tears. She sobbed and sobbed her “Deputy” - her “Soul”, which only now through her tears was able to see her “Mother”. Erzhena stood next to her “Soul” and looked into the eyes of her “Mom”... A range of feelings swept over her face and body like a wave. It was clear from her that her Soul was now open and everything “fell into place.” Erzhena noted that although she did not know her great-grandmother on her mother’s side, she felt with her whole body a powerful flow of warmth and love coming from her. And this makes her feel good and calm. And she added: “Now I see and feel myself differently... It’s like I’ve grown up or something? I know for sure that I am not alone...” The constellation showed that the roots of Erzhena’s problems went deep into her family on the maternal side, where the “movement of Love” was repeatedly interrupted. As a child, she experienced a severe deficit of Love and could not understand her mother’s emotional coldness. “So the problem is me... Nobody needs me...” whispered “her wounded part.” The “surviving part” of the client allowed her to build a career, achieve success in her profession, and find respect and recognition. But emotionally she remained infantile and hungry, which caused many difficulties in the family and other significant personal relationships. After the disturbing influence has been removed - Love and energy can flow again... flow into the future... The constellations reveal a strong connection between parents and children. This connection does not depend on the relationship existing between them in reality, on who raised the child and the feelings experienced (I love dad, but I don’t love mom). This connection acts with equal force both in relation to the father and in relation to the mother - the child always loves his parents: consciously or unconsciously. And for this connection to appear, the biological fact of motherhood and fatherhood is sufficient. For this reason, this connection operates even in such an extreme case, when the father and mother had the only short-term meeting with each other in their lives. Now I will suggest you to do one exercise. You can do it with your eyes closed or open......Imagine that you are standing in front of your parents, in front of your father and in front of your mother. And behind them are their parents... father's father and father's mother, mother's father and mother's mother... And for them their parents.......Now look at yourself and feel your life...it came to you through all these people and through all these people it reached you...Through your parents life reached you without adding or subtracting...The philosophical conclusion from this, as Bert Hellinger said, - all parents are equally good. And from the point of view of passing on life further, they were all perfect: each of them gave life, each of them coped... What is the conclusion from this for us, for those who look at their mother and father? “We tell them: “Thank you!” I take this from you, because you are exactly the parents I need, and I will pass on this life.” Therefore, my friends, look at your parents... try to accept them. I know it's difficult. It may take you months. For many, this takes years. It is you, the parents, who need acceptance, not them. Accepting your parents as they are is a condition for your happiness. In this way, the transmission of suffering from generation to generation can be stopped. You will be the last in a line of generations who experienced such difficult.