Our life is full of mysteries and paradoxes. It seems that it is generally accepted that a person is a rational being, but when you are faced with many illogical, unreasonable and even absurd actions that he commits , then it becomes unclear what guides a seemingly completely normal and thinking person in this or that case. A paradoxical situation is observed in the lives of relatives of dependent people. They are usually called codependent. And this paradox is that being the wife (husband) of an alcoholic (drug addict), a woman (man) does not strive to get out of this destructive relationship. Moreover, having once divorced a dependent spouse, she (he) most often finds another dependent life partner. What's the matter? It would seem that all the horrors of life with such a person are known, and again the same unthinkable choice. When you begin to find out the life story of such a woman (or man - codependency is non-gender), it turns out that one of the parents was addicted to drugs or alcohol. That is, the behavior scenario and rules of the game with addicts are formed in childhood. A small child, suffering from the behavior of an alcoholic father, dreams most of all of freeing him from this addiction. Children tend to believe in their omnipotence and they sincerely think that they can find a recipe, method, pill or something else that will restore peace and tranquility in their family. Time passes, the situation does not change, but the unrealized dream remains. And the energy of this unfulfilled dream accompanies a person throughout his life. We couldn’t save dad (mom), so we’ll save someone else. And this “someone else”, of course, turns out to be dependent, and of course becomes the closest, most beloved and the best on earth. Because he will be able to help a codependent person realize the dream of his whole life - to make the addict “normal.” Needless to say, in this case, the “rescuer” fails. And then continues throughout his life to “save” the same beloved and beloved. Or changes the object of salvation to another. The dream remains unchanged, the same childhood dream that the child dreamed with all his soul in childhood about “saving a loved one” and about “peace and tranquility in the family.” It is a pity that no one explained to this person in that distant childhood that we can change only themselves. That changing another is an impossible task. That there are situations in our lives over which we are powerless. That we are not omnipotent, and the world can be extremely unfriendly. It turns out that no matter how terrible it is, we very often fall into the trap of a childhood dream that was not realized in its time. In addition, codependent people take the ways of interaction between parents from childhood into adulthood. And this most often means all kinds of manipulation, deception, threats, insults, blackmail, and so on. In the interaction between a codependent and an addict, there is most often no place for healthy communication, intimacy, trust, or the ability to hear the other. And this seems to suit everyone. There are often cases when an addict suddenly, for some reason, “quits” his addiction and returns to normal life. Either he turns to Alcoholics Anonymous, takes a course in a rehabilitation center, turns to a psychotherapist for help - there are many ways and I myself know hundreds of cases when people return to normal life after many years of the horror of dependent existence. And then the most incredible thing happens. The wife does not know how to live with such a “sober” husband. Control levers that worked flawlessly during addiction become useless. If previously it was possible to keep a spouse on a short leash of “guilt” all the time and during “enlightenments” twist ropes out of him and force him to do whatever he wants. Now the husband becomes uncontrollable, has his own opinion, defends it with arguments and, worst of all, does not experience any “feelings of guilt”, on the contrary, he is full of dignity and resistant to manipulation. “It would be better if you drank” - you often hear in such situations from those ,