When there is no trust in a couple. I will give several options for working with couples where trust in the relationship has been violated or even destroyed. In this article there are stories of two par.1. Disappointment. More and more young people are deciding to live together. At first it’s passion or falling in love, sometimes circumstances turn out that way. More often it is an attempt to start adult life by separating from parents.2. A crisis. A crisis during the transition to a new stage of a relationship in a couple for spouses who have been living together for a long time. If we rely on the categorization of 5 stages of development of relationships in a couple, then most often, at the stages of differentiation or training. How is trust in a relationship characterized? A very important sign for establishing trust is the presence in a person’s character of a basic ability to trust. Trust is different from gullibility. Trust is the ability to know, see, analyze all the characteristic personality traits, without unjustified expectations and illusory hopes, that a person is not the way he is, but the way you see him and expect that everything will improve. You know who is next to you, his characteristics, habits, his history, values, interests, characteristic behavior... and you trust the person in this knowledge of him. Trust is the inability to sincerely look at a real person without fear, without embellishment, without rose-colored glasses. This is the lack of the ability to appropriate, to integrate into your inner world (assimilate) your own life experience. The stories of couples, their names, the factual data that I will give here have been largely changed, but the problems are completely real. Story 1. Vlad and Alena " I don’t understand how this is possible!” They are very young, a little over 20 years old. It all started like everyone else: childhood love, common interests, we did everything together, graduated from school, went to college. They began to spend the night with each other more and more often, since the parents had “progressive” views. By the end of the institute, both found promising jobs, remotely, which allowed them to graduate from universities and begin an “almost” independent life, becoming financially independent. The moment came when the guys decided to live together. Alena’s parents were ready to provide the “young” with a separate room. This is how Vlad and Alena began their “married” life. The guys came to me with a protracted conflict. Alena was very responsible by nature and was used to seeing things through to the end, honoring agreements: “she promised, she delivered.” Vlad was more “creative,” spontaneous in nature. He worked in computer graphics, and such freedom of expression was necessary for inspiration and professional self-realization, as Vlad himself explained. Moreover, Vlad was raised by his mother and she did not demand strict discipline from him simply because she did not have time for it. It was with the beginning of joint farming that the conflict coincided. “We agreed that we divide all our affairs equally,” says Alena, “And Vlad, of course, does something around the house and in our relationship, but only when he is in the mood or when I “put pressure” or get offended. - Alena always wants everything at once. I have to react to everything immediately. If suddenly I forget something or I don’t have time to do something around the house, Alena can follow me and repeat the same thing 100 times, and then just get offended and not talk to me for several days. Like a fool, I’m forced to somehow explain to her parents what’s going on and in general, we live with her, so at such moments I want to pack up and go home,” Vlad is indignant. - And also, you can’t rely on him, he constantly promises and doesn’t deliver, I’m already tired of hoping that something will change. Either he forgot, or was not in the mood, or some circumstances prevented him... I don’t trust him anymore, I constantly have to control, recheck him... I’m tired - says Alena, almost crying. A typical situation of “mistrust” consequence personal differences between Alena and Vlad. Alena was raised by her father and mother, they had the opportunity to replace each other, they had enough strengthto form responsibility and discipline, because this requires time (from 3 to 17 years old!!!!), attentiveness, perseverance and support. Vlad's family had a mother, an older brother and a grandmother. In essence, Vlad was left to his own devices; his mother did not have enough time to create discipline and order. His 8-year-older brother could harshly demand something from him, but did not follow through because he was carried away by his teenage life. Grandma loved Vlad so much that she simply didn’t want to ask or demand anything from him. In the first stage of their relationship, the guys didn’t pay attention to their differences, they only became more interested in each other. All this was flavored with raging sexual energy and less frequent meetings. When they started living together, the first stage of the relationship - falling in love, symbiosis, two halves of one whole - ended. The second, completely natural, stage of differentiation, separation, recognition of differences has begun, and this is crisis and conflicts. These are some therapeutic explanations for the behavior and reactions of Alena and Vlad. But what about the decision on how to restore trust and continue the relationship? Any crisis ends sooner or later, it is rare when people get stuck in a crisis. But the solution may be different: After successfully overcoming the crisis, the couple remains together, and strengthens the relationship due to a better understanding of each other and a willingness not only to be together in joy, but also in sorrow. The couple remains together, but the struggle for “rightness” continues in the relationship. , competition and the search for external ways to get out of tension (friends, leaving for work, immersion in hobbies, other relationships, psychological divorce and coldness in relationships). People in a couple, getting to know each other, understand that tension comes from the fact that the other is different, irresistible, and it is impossible to let go of grievances and get rid of fears of the future. The feeling that love has faded speeds up the process of separation. The couple begins a back-and-forth dynamic. The processes of separation and reunion replace each other. Impossible to make a decision. In relationships there are vivid feelings from Love and passion to Hate and hostility. For therapy, the first scenario is good enough. How did we work with Vlad and Alena? The first step is the story of a couple with a therapeutic understanding of the true problem. Naturally, the guys told their story, and with the help of questions we made the situation clearer, that is, clarified it. This relieves the first tension and fear that naturally arises in a couple faced with inexplicable changes. So, in order to reduce tension, you should first give an explanation of everything that is happening, so that the incomprehensible becomes understandable, the unknown becomes knowable, and the unknown becomes known. This reduces fear for the future, and we find ways out of the current situation. The next step is to determine how much strength each participant in the process has to restore trust. That is, what guys are ready to do to maintain and continue the relationship. At this stage, it is very important to decide: - What is the value of the relationship itself? - What makes each of the couple happy and what pleases? - How are Alena and Vlad different from each other and what do they like about these differences? - How are the guys similar and what do they have in common? , what is very important to preserve and develop? - How do Alena and Vlad see their future, do their “pictures of the future” coincide and if not, how to expand the overall picture by integrating the ideas of the two into it? These are just some of the questions that we discussed at this stage . You, as a couple, can also ask yourself these questions and discuss them with your partner. Once we have established that the relationship is truly valuable, we move on to the next step. The third step, which can be skipped, because not everyone is ready to consider “family scenarios” and attitudes that interfere development of family relationships. This is the creation of a genogram of two families and the identification of repeated “limiting” stories in two Clans with the aim of transformation and abandonment of some scenarios. The guys and I created genograms, and this made it possible to find out several deep-rooted “myths” about the family of Vlad and Alena, whichinterfered with the unique development of the Couple. This in-depth work allows us to see the “strength of the Rod” that each family invested in their representatives so that the Rod continued its existence. In short, we attributed to Vlad’s attitudes that hinder his development and growth as a man and as a partner: “Protect your independence , because all women want to “wrestle” men and subjugate them. Don’t let them do this.” “The main thing is to do the work that brings results (money), and we, women, will do the rest. A man should not be distracted by everyday “nonsense.” “If difficulties arise in family life, then sometimes it is better to leave than to “suffer.” Rod Alena’s message was somewhat different, but there were also identical fears and “recommendations” “A woman knows better what a man needs” “Men are not independent, they always need to be told what to do." "The most important thing is order in the house, without this they will not love you and may abandon you. Nobody needs an unruly wife." "Don't trust men, they always have some secrets and hidden lives." But there were strong and strong attitudes, and examples of loved ones who help find opportunities to expand and preserve the family. And these ideas coincided with Vlad and Alena. For example, “Family is Strength, if problems arise, solve them, share them with your family, we will help,” “Don’t be afraid to talk about what you don’t like,” “You can try, and if you have any problems,” “It won’t work out, it’s not scary!” After going through three stages of therapy, which took 5 sessions, we moved on to the practical stage - the fourth - taking on obligations with a directed focus of control on oneself, and not on the partner (self-control). practical tasks with analysis and search for the causes of “breakdowns and failures” took another 5 sessions. As a result, after 10 meetings, the relationship between Vlad and Alena was significantly harmonized, and we agreed to meet in 6 months for an additional meeting to analyze the preservation of the results of marital therapy. An important detail, since indirectly, living with Alena’s parents influenced the young people’s sense of freedom, they decided to rent their own home with the subsequent intention of purchasing their own apartment. Story 2. Igor and Nastya. “She has changed so much that I feel deceived” On behalf of Igor. “When we met at the institute, Nastya was a very cheerful, easy-going girl. All her classmates were in love with her. And when Nastya chose me, I was very surprised. The first year of our relationship coincided with the end of university, I lived like in a fairy tale , I couldn’t believe my luck. We met very often, Nastya lived in the hostel and I almost moved there too. I was surprised how she could combine our easy, fun life and studying at the University, writing a diploma, preparing for exams. It was difficult. But, be that as it may, we graduated from the university, and I got a job. Nastya went to her hometown for the summer. I was so bored that I can’t even describe it, I could say that I started to feel depressed. I didn’t want anything, work was difficult, I lost weight, didn’t go to parties. My parents were very worried about me. Nastya returned in October with a new job, which she found on the Internet. And I decided that it was time to make an offer. which she cannot refuse!" Classic - wedding, independent life. We rented an apartment for the first time, we both worked, we had enough money and even had some left over to save. A year later, Nastya became pregnant, and as expected, after going on maternity leave, taking care of money in the family fell on my shoulders. But, I hoped that when the baby was born, Nastya would go to work in a year and everything would be as before! I was ready to be patient. But now our son is 5 years old, and Nastya is still sitting at home, she has gained weight, is not developing, she is only interested in TV series and social media. networks. Yes, of course, our house is in order, food is always prepared, but Nastya seemed to have forgotten about our plans about her apartment, about traveling, about moving, in the end. I cannot cope with this task alone. And where did that ebullient, irrepressible energy go, for which not only me, everyone loved Nastya so much!I don’t know how to trust her, all our agreements are not respected, she promises but does almost nothing. I feel like I’m in a swamp in my family!” From Nastya’s point of view. “When I saw Igor, he seemed to me a calm, reasonable, reliable person. Just one that could not react to my outbursts of anger and balance my irrepressible temper. Yes, I chose him because he was the only one I thought took me seriously. They say about such people: “Like behind a stone wall.” In my dreams, just such a man should have become my husband. I was relaxed, cheerful, and understood that my life was a success. Everything was like in a fairy tale: proposal, wedding, pregnancy, childbirth. Motherhood for me is a very important task, I believe that the father is in the “field”, and the mother should be at home, so as not to miss any stages of the child’s life and to organize home comfort for her husband. Of course, I have free time, and I manage social media. network, I’m even trying to write my own blog about everyday life and, oddly enough, “happy family life.” This is completely sincere, because until some point I thought so, until Igor began to make claims against me and force me to go to work. I thought that he was happy with everything, he never showed dissatisfaction, but a week ago he “exploded” out of nowhere and dumped a whole load of complaints on me! I don’t understand why he was silent before, why he didn’t talk about his dissatisfaction, but saved and saved and now. He comes up with some kind of agreements, like in the office, as if we are not husband and wife, but a boss and a subordinate. I don’t know what to do, it seems to me that he just stopped loving me and it’s only because of the child that he remains in the family. And also, I thought that my changes in character, I became calm, leisurely, soft, made me more feminine. But Igor, it turns out, needs an “energetic” wife! I'm not deceiving him! I just have a different pace of life as a woman. I understand that there is no way out, because I cannot return to my state in which we met. I like myself like this! After listening to the guys’ story, I decided to clarify, “see, study what is hidden,” so to speak. Often we enter into relationships with our expectations, ideas, ideal pictures of the future, as happened with Igor and Nastya. In their stories, I heard the words many times: “fairy tale”, “ideal”, “perfect”... which speaks of the idealization of both partners and ideas about the relationship between spouses. In such cases, it is necessary to discuss the reality that exists and understand the willingness of the spouses to put up with this reality. Of course, you can find compromises and make concessions, but without a clear vision of reality, “ideal” ideas will be like fog, hiding feelings or like mold, corroding relationships. The solution sounds very simple, but bringing it to life is very difficult, so readiness is very important couples work hard! In the case of Nastya and Igor, the first step is to cope with disappointment and loss of illusion. To accept difficult feelings, which include disappointment, you need to understand the reason for what is happening. Then realize that disappointment is a signal that we have lost something: expectations, illusions, plans. There are techniques, techniques that can be used for this work, they are not only suitable for relationships, but also for a person who has experienced a loss. This work does not imply a detailed description of these techniques, but I plan to highlight them in a separate article. Here I will give only one method: “Funeral of Illusions.” Each of the partners, or one person, if this is individual work, writes down which illusions he needs to bury. Next, the pair forms two lists. Homework for the couple is to literally arrange a ritual funeral for these “lists” of illusions. It doesn’t matter how the couple does it, you can burn your lists, you can bury them in the ground and put up a small monument, you can float them down the river in a paper boat.... the most important thing is that everyone bury their illusions, but do it together, as a ritual parting. In order for the list to be truly related to illusions, it is first worth discussing.