From the author: My author’s group on VKontakte, dedicated to psychology, psychotherapy and counseling, where you can ask questions that interest you, get a lot of useful information, and sign up for a consultation. Welcome Welcome! Anonymous Club of Victims, or “I thought he would change...” Almost all relationship psychotherapy unfolds at the same point. There is a cannibal and an ordinary person. A cannibal wants to love and love an ordinary person, and then eat him. And the average person just wants to love the cannibal, but so that he doesn’t eat him. And then an ordinary person comes to psychotherapy and says to the psychotherapist: “Doctor, how can I explain to him so that he doesn’t eat me?” So, all psychotherapy usually takes place in the place where an ordinary person (not a cannibal) painfully comes to the understanding that he is a cannibal eats meat, not explanations. Polina Gaverdovskaya I know these women. Many of you know them too. I know what bruises and hematomas covered with foundation look like. And I know how inventive victims of violence are in hiding the true causes of their injuries. Back in my student days, I knew a girl who regularly fell down stairs, hit her head on public transport, and did not fit into doorways. And we, young people from fairly prosperous families, believed in such fatal bad luck. Only later, many bruises, contusions, and fractures later, we learned that our friend was regularly beaten by her husband. And I also know that victims of violence answer reasonable questions: Why didn’t you leave when this happened the first time? Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you ask for help? How did you allow the situation of violence to repeat itself? They answer: I thought he would change... The misconception that something will change, that now he has understood everything and repented, etc., is based on the features of the third stage of the cycle of violence, the so-called “honeymoon”. But, first things first. In 1984, American researcher Leonor Walker, after analyzing numerous surveys of women exposed to violence, developed a “cyclical theory of violence.” In the theory of the cycle of violence, there are three specific repeating stages, characterized by an increase in strength and frequency. Stages of the cycle of violence: So, the first stage is the stage of tension escalation. At this stage, in the literal sense of the word, tension in the family increases. It can last from several weeks to several years. Conflicts and insults become more frequent. The beatings at this stage are minor. But! They are. And it is at this stage that the victim has the opportunity to break the cycle of violence. Leave the aggressor, distance yourself, fight back, and much more. A distinctive feature of this stage is that the victim still has a choice! And she does it. She justifies the cruel attitude or reduces it to a minimum: “Just think, it’s just a bruise, it could have been worse,” “I was the one who got into trouble,” etc. By the way, the aggressor will in every possible way encourage, cultivate and develop the victim’s self-blaming tendencies, thereby creating the illusion of control over the current situation. An illusion because the victim has a deceptive feeling that if he had acted differently, all this could have been avoided. But this is not so, we do not control the behavior of the Other. And the aggressor acts as he acts and it is impossible to influence this. The only thing that can be changed in this situation is to accept it and stay in it or leave, leave it. The victim remains, and so the transition to the next stage occurs. The second stage is “serious incident of violence.” Lasts from 2 to 24 hours. Characterized by cases of severe beating, as well as complete loss of control over the process. The scenario of events is cruel. In this phase of the cycle, the victim is perceived as an object. Her chances of changing the situation at this stage are approaching zero, the situation is out of control, the threat to life and health is high. Only the attacker himself can complete this stage; the behavior of the victim does not change anything. The third stage replaces the second, like a clear sunrise - the most stormynight. This is the stage of reconciliation, the “candy-bouquet” stage, the “honeymoon” stage, the stage of extraordinary peace and repentance. Cruelty is replaced by repentance, gifts, good manners and, of course, assurances that nothing like this will ever happen again and that from now on there will be only love, peace and prosperity in the family. The illusion of control is returned to the victim under the auspices of: execution or pardon. The victim again makes a choice that is not in his favor and shows mercy. In this phase, the victim vainly hopes that the beatings will stop. Then, as you yourself understand, the cycle repeats with increasing cruelty. Almost always. Over time, the third stage occurs less and less often, the cycle is reduced to two phases: tension and an outbreak of violence. The global mistake of victims of violence is that instead of blaming the aggressor, they begin to look for the cause of violence in themselves, condemn themselves. They try to change their behavior in the hope of changing the situation, demonstrating complete devotion and dedication. Alas! A conflict that leads to violence can be called, using L. Cozier's term, “unrealistic.” That is, the situation has nothing to do with the realities of life, simply aggressive impulses seek their expression, regardless of the object. The woman's choice in this case is only whether to stay close to a man who is prone to violence or not. And, when deciding to stay, know: most likely, he will not change. Next, I will give a set of traits identified in men who show physical violence (Menovshchikov, 2002). If a man exhibits several of the character traits listed below, the likelihood of physical violence is quite high. If your chosen one has the last four characteristics, run! They are almost 100% guaranteed to indicate a tendency towards violence. So, 1. Jealousy. Jealousy, as a sign of possessiveness, expressed in control over a woman’s social connections, accusations of flirting, suspicions of dishonesty. He will call her frequently during the day, appear at home unexpectedly, and may oppose the woman working. He will say that his jealousy is a sign of love.2. Control. He will strive for total control: What a woman wears, who she communicates with, where she goes and where she spends her money. He will say that his control is a concern for her safety. 3. Quick communication. Acquaintance, rapprochement, transition to intimate relationships kaleidoscope succeed each other without pauses or delay. Everything happens at lightning speed, it’s “love at first sight”, “you are the one I’ve been waiting for all my life”, “you are the only one I could tell this to”. He is desperate for someone. 4. Unrealistic expectations. He hopes that she will be ideal in everything: wife, mother, lover, and friend. He is very dependent on a woman in terms of satisfying his needs, he expects her to be everything to him, to replace “the whole world” for him.5. Externally blaming position. When problems arise, he always finds the culprit. And then the woman becomes to blame for everything that does not happen the way he wants.6. Blaming others for your feelings. “You annoy me,” “When you do this, you insult me,” etc.7. Hypersensitivity. Such a man will constantly remind you of his subtle mental organization, the vulnerability of feelings and the injustice of the world towards him, leaving his own irresponsibility behind the scenes.8. Rudeness towards animals or children.9. "Playful" use of force in sex. He welcomes the rape game. He demands sex even when the woman is tired or sick.10. Verbal abuse. He is rude, uses foul language, and verbally humiliates the woman.11. Rigid gender roles. He wants to see a woman stupid, subordinate to him, dependent.12. Hot temper. Increased emotionality. Frequent mood swings.13. Cases of beatings in the past. You find out, by chance or not, that he beat his ex-wife, and you think: this won’t happen to me. You are wrong! Such a man will beat any woman next to him, the circumstances in this case.