... Entering the hidden chamber of the labyrinth fortress, Tamerlane takes the chalk and tells Zohar: - I will be the lord of the fate of the world. At this moment, the warrior-defender of the Fortress stabs Tamerlane in the back saber...Zohar: - But you don’t even control your destiny. Tamerlane: (falling, but holding the chalk): - What should I write? Zohar: - What do you want? Tamerlane: - To live! Zohar: - Write that way "Tamerlane writes the cherished word, and history begins anew...from the film "Day Watch" Do you remember in "Day Watch" there was such a magical chalk of Tamerlane, with which you could rewrite fate? Change any moment of life, turn back time, “correct”...and, thereby, essentially “fit” the desired development of events into the present or, in extreme cases, into the future? Many, I think, would not refuse to have one... But, the majority “already suspects that there are such things” “Chalk of Fate” is a fantasy, a real Tamerlane (“a Central Asian conqueror who played a significant role in the history of Central, South and Western Asia, as well as the Caucasus, Volga region and Rus'. Outstanding commander, emir (since 1370). Founder of the Timurid Empire and Dynasty." (Wikipedia), most likely, was illiterate, and even in the legend he “changed only OWN destiny” and did it BY HIMSELF. However, the main request with which people turn for psychological help, in general terms, sounds like this: “You know “I feel bad, make me feel good.” Offer some (that does not require my direct participation, i.e. magical) way for my life (ideally instantly) to change for the better. God be with him, with Tamerlane, you’re literate, look how many books on psychology and diplomas you have, don’t you really know the magic way and I’m forced to do EVERYTHING myself? If I could change something myself, would I come to you?”...You listen to clients’ stories and at some point you understand that they are talking about their life as if they have nothing to do with it...But, because this is not so (not entirely true). Our problems are part of decisions made long ago about the world around us, ourselves and other people. How and when do we “make” such decisions? Unfortunately, in most cases, long before the appearance of personal experience, on the basis of the “transmitted” parental “vision of reality” (introjects), which we, unconsciously, without testing in practice, carry through our entire lives. In fact, the “chalk of fate” is initially the property of our parents, because we are not only carriers of their genotype, our psyche, in many ways, consists of their attitudes, models, principles, and outlook on life. For example, such: In this world, there is a stern law. Don’t trust anyone in this world. Protect yourself with a shield, fight back with a sword! Man is a beast to man! (author unknown) Such an “undigested introject” is unconsciously accepted as the truth (how else, a child needs what - to navigate and since parents say so, then it is so), in the future it is also unconsciously used by a person. What happens next? A person lives, focusing only on evidence of the correctness of his beliefs, discarding or interpreting in a specific way experiences that do not fit into his concept of the world. “Whatever you think about yourself, other people and life in general, you will receive it - “to each according to his faith” (S. Kovalev). Parable “Mirror Room” A student asked the dervish: - Teacher, is the world hostile for man? Or does it bring good to a person? “I’ll tell you a parable about how the world treats a person,” said the teacher. “Once upon a time there lived a great Shah. He ordered the construction of a beautiful palace. There were many wonderful things there. Among other wonders, there was a hall in the palace , where all the walls, ceiling, doors and even the floor were mirrored. The mirrors were unusually clear, and the visitor did not immediately understand that there was a mirror in front of him - they reflected objects so accurately. In addition, the walls of this hall were designed to create an echo. You will ask: “Who are you?” and you will hear in response from different sides: “Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?" One day a dog ran into the hall and froze in amazement in the middle - wholea pack of dogs surrounded her on all sides, above and below. The dog bared its teeth just in case; and all the reflections answered her in the same way. Seriously frightened, the dog barked desperately. The echo repeated her bark. The dog barked louder. Echo did not lag behind. The dog rushed here and there, biting the air, its reflections also rushed around, clicking its teeth. The next morning, the servants found the unfortunate dog lifeless, surrounded by millions of reflections of dead dogs. There was no one in the room who could cause her any harm. The dog died fighting with its own reflections.” “Now you see,” the dervish concluded, “the world brings neither good nor evil in itself. Everything that happens around us is just a reflection of our own thoughts, feelings, desires, and actions. The world is a big mirror.” In Gestalt therapy, a similar mechanism of “distorting reality” is called projection. Projection is a process in which positive and/or negative properties, attitudes, qualities, beliefs, behavior or feelings are actually related. the personality itself, are attributed to objects and/or other people. When it comes to negative projections, a person often begins to condemn others for those characteristics that he himself possesses (for example, “it’s not me who is aggressive - it’s all the animals around me!” Or “it’s not me who is aggressive”). I want sex, these are all the men around - maniacs! vices.” Parable “The Thief” One man lost his ax. A man suspected his neighbor of stealing, began to take a closer look at him and soon discovered that the neighbor was walking around as if he had stolen an ax, watching as if someone had stolen an ax, and in general, every gesture, every word of his simply screamed that it was he, the neighbor, who had stolen axe. However, the ax was soon found. After this, the man looked at his neighbor again - he no longer looked anything like the one who had stolen the ax... It would be good if the situation became clearer, but more often it happens that “the ax was found, but a residue remained.” Or (which is much sadder), a person’s negative predictions tend to come true: being configured in a certain way, he unconsciously provokes others to corresponding behavior, and then becomes convinced that he is right - “everyone around is thieves and bastards!” “Our ideas about the world (ourselves and others people) are self-fulfilling prophecies and self-justifying predictions" (S. Kovalev). How does all this relate to therapy? The client “brings” to therapy his vision of reality, his usual ways of existing in the world (the world of unmet needs), the cause of frustration of which is usually : - lack of understanding of one’s true needs (because a person has long been accustomed to others deciding everything for him, is in fusion with parents or other significant people). - failure to meet the object of satisfying needs (it seems to a person that there is no source of their satisfaction in the world or there is , but, for him personally, access to it is closed forever.) All this is a consequence of a person’s idea of ​​how the world works, the habit of stopping himself in the process of performing certain actions. The more rigid your upbringing, the narrower your understanding will be and the less variability in your actions. The point (as a rule) is not that parents wish harm to the child. Everything (in most cases) is the other way around: a set of stereotypes and rules (“life is like this,” “we live by these rules,” etc.) is offered to him to make life easier for the child (and, frankly speaking, for parents too), “ a black-and-white picture of the world makes it possible to quite simply explain “what is good and what is bad”; restrictions and prohibitions are necessary to ensure its safety (those parents who have seen from personal experience strive to do this especially diligently, see above: “ there is a harsh law in this world,” etc.). In childhood, we are forced to agree with our parents (what else can we do?); in adolescence, we often try to rebel (that isto do “to spite” our parents, it doesn’t matter whether we really want to do it or not). But no matter how we act, all the same, often, when we are (somewhere) well over thirty, we are surprised to discover that in some ways we are repeating the life of our parents (even if we firmly swore in childhood never to do this) , or we embody the opposite scenario (“anti-scenario”), in the choice of which we are also not free. Everything would be fine if such a life suited us, but what should we do if at some point we understand that we are not living at all as we would like and, perhaps, even could. My clients are no longer children, but , more than once I have had to face the fact that if you simply try to convince a person that he looks at the world and sees it somehow “distorted”, he decides that you simply do not understand him. The world is the way a person sees it (“Life paints the world in the colors of the customer”)... If you see that the sky is blue and the grass is green, then it is impossible to convince you that the sky is red and the grass is white. And the client, quite possibly, continues to see the world in black and white, or, for example, in shades of gray. This is not a metaphor, this is literal, just as a colorblind person is unable to distinguish the colors of life. “Cheers, don’t touch me, I’m in the house!” - a child says when he is scared, and closes his eyes so as not to see the frightening reality (and often new things (not necessarily bad, just unfamiliar) are scary). I just want to ask some clients: “What about you? Still in the house (parental house, “the beginning”)? Still don’t dare to “open up to strangers” when your parents are not at home, go outside the threshold, and just watch life from the window?” Of course, such a life is partly very convenient (secondary benefit): you are protected by “walls” (habitual beliefs and “serving "their psychological defense mechanisms), you don’t have to think and choose every time where to go, and living in a black and white world is also much easier: you don’t need to think too much - you can immediately see - this is black, this is white - these are enemies, these are friends ... This is “good”, this is “bad”... But even in good fantasy, everything is not so simple: the black and white picture of the world is rarely fully maintained: the characters (if you think about it) are with great difficulty divided into Light and Dark, servants of Order and Chaos ... Each hero develops either towards Good or towards Evil, depending on his choice, but what about real life? I see my main therapeutic task (in this case) in helping the client understand that “walls” reliably protect not only from the dangers of life, but also from life itself. A person has grown up, and it is important for him to learn to look at the world more broadly (or at least try to do so). Since “there was and is no happiness,” then, probably, his previous patterns of behavior (not all, but some), views on life, methods of interaction (probably quite effective in childhood) now do not save, do not help, simply “ don’t work” at the new stage. So maybe he should “come out of the merger”, understand which parental ideas and attitudes are quite suitable for him personally, and which only interfere with life, assimilate his projections, realize that life is more than his ideas about it, and in addition to the usual ways of behavior, limited by him “traditional” ideas about life, there are others, perhaps more suitable in the given circumstances?...Can a person change his “picture of the world” himself (without the help of a therapist, etc.)? Theoretically, he can, but do it without outside help very difficult, partly because he is completely convinced that the world works exactly the way he is used to perceiving it, partly because he does not even realize what kind of model of the world he has, how exactly he is used to acting based on it, and how else one can act in such situations, partly because he is afraid of changes... But, no matter how much a person would like it (no matter how disgusting it would be for him to hear it), but, by and large, no one can help him if he is not ready to do something myself. And no one but him knows what is the right thing to do in a particular situation. He already had (or has) peoplewho willingly told him “how to do it right”... (from their point of view, of course). And it was precisely because of the willingness to follow parental (and other) instructions that the client came to the therapist. No matter how great the temptation to “tell the client how to live correctly,” any good therapist knows that this risks reinforcing and strengthening the client’s position of helplessness. That is why the therapist does not give advice (“I would do this and that if I were you”) and does not offer ready-made, universal or magical recipes. Does not support the process of shifting responsibility (“it’s not you, it’s all his fault,” “what can we do? Life has gone like this”) or avoiding analyzing the situation and making decisions (“it’s okay, everything will pass”: take a break, change the situation, etc.). Does not teach the client life, in accordance with his understanding, of what will be good for this person. A professional therapist helps the client: - decide what he (s) wants, from whom he (s) wants it and how (through what specific actions) this can be achieved. - overcome internal resistance to change and fears. - realize what resources can be used. - receive support at various “stages of the long journey,” etc. He is a guide (not so much in the external world as in the internal world), an accompanying person, an assistant who is ready to explore his inner world together with the client. He is an experienced “guide” (one who has explored unknown territory more than once (but, of course, not specifically the world of a given client). He “teaches” the client to notice, express and live his feelings, to realize their meaning... Helps to understand what is at the root of the problems often some kind of limiting belief is “hidden” and he is not obliged to follow it all his life... In the end, even if it is important for the client to preserve his “beliefs” (for example: “don’t trust anyone in this world...”), then maybe it’s worth them though to “modify”: If it suddenly seems that there is darkness around you, Know that this is a mirage, know that this is not so! And don’t believe anyone, that there is no love in the world! How would we be born without love?( group "Factory", "Under the Roof of Love" (Soundtrack of the Film ''Roof')) Yes, the therapist does not offer the client the "magic chalk of fate", but he offers him a tool for its production: the ability to listen and hear oneself, to realize how a person interacts with the world and how else this could be done to get what he wants...Personally, I have never been either a fatalist (one who believes in the inevitability of fate, believes that: “Everything is predetermined...”), nor a voluntarist (one who believes that we COMPLETELY “write our own” fate). I am one of those people who believe that not everything in life, but a lot, can be changed by entering into a dialogue with fate (dialectical approach). Fate, for me, is more of a certain PREDISPOSITION TO SOMETHING, rather than INEVITABILITY. For example, it is unlikely that I was “destined” to become a psychologist, but, quite possibly, I had a predisposition to this type of activity. N. Zabolotsky (“At Sunset”) was right: Man has two worlds: One, which is He (God ) created, the Other, which we have been creating to the best of our ability from time to time... Nowadays, many people like to talk about bifurcation points: periods in which one life path is divided into several of its continuations (remember, the signpost in fairy tales: “you will go left... , you’ll go right...you’ll go straight..."). Each path involves certain losses and gains... I sincerely believe that working with a therapist may well become such a “bifurcation point” (choice point) for the client. This does not mean at all that therapy will make him happier, it means that it will allow him to look at his life more honestly... Yes (alas!), we cannot change everything in our lives, sometimes all we can do is just come to terms with what is, change your attitude towards the situation (banal, but true), find a new meaning in what is happening. Remember the parable of the three stone cutters? Parable One day a traveler was walking along a dusty road and around the bend, in the very sun, in the dust, he saw a man cutting a huge stone. A man was cutting a stone and crying bitterly... The traveler asked, 2012.