Growing up together? The interview was given by Bazhina M.E. and Zenina M.A. Having decided to do repairs on your own, you study the technology, the characteristics of materials, the necessary tools. Raising children can be imagined as a series of construction and repair work carried out in a family nest. But often this process is left to chance...Psychologists-consultants working with problems of parent-child relationships Marina Evgenievna Bazhina and Margarita Alekseevna Zenina will tell you how, in modern conditions, not to lose contact with your own child and adapt to new stages of his growing up.— Tell me, what typical requests do parents come to you with most often?—If we do not take individual cases (and professional ethics will not allow us to talk about this), we can identify a group of requests related to the transition of children from one age group to another. Their needs, behavior, and requirements change. Adults do not always have time to readjust, to track changes, that is, to “grow up” with the child, which often results in conflict situations in the family. Preschoolers—Any psychologist knows that up to the age of five, a child’s psychological problems must be solved, first of all, through the parents. At this age, the child’s “merging” with his parents is strong, and the child’s behavior often “mirrors” the situation in the family or the mental state of one of its members. Therefore, if a child suddenly becomes uncontrollable, capricious, aggressive, the reason for the changes should be sought in the relationships between adults: conflicts between parents/divorce, troubles at work, death of loved ones and other experiences - children “read” all this. And with the help of emotions they try to convey to us information about what is happening inside them. This is the age of adaptation of the child to his parents. During the preschool period, people often still complain about fears and phobias. Here it is necessary to understand the reasons for their occurrence. Certain fears are present at any age, because a child comprehends a world unknown to him. How the child lives them is another matter. There are fewer fears or they pass faster if parents do not wage a “war” with stubbornness (under the guise of which the desire for independence is often hidden), develop, and do not suppress or drown out the emerging “I” with anxiety, if they themselves are confident in themselves and are able to help the child in overcoming imaginary and real dangers. Junior school age For those children who have moved from a kindergarten environment to school, problems with adaptation disorders in new conditions come to the fore. Not all graduates of preschool institutions are able to quickly adapt to a new regime. Many parents are faced with poor attention, aggressiveness, and conflict in their child. The increased information flow, demands for perseverance, concentration, and discipline have a traumatic effect on some children. At this moment, neuroses, fears, fatigue, and anxiety may appear. Experiences associated with compliance with collective norms and rules appear, and with them complexes and feelings of guilt in case of imaginary or real deviations. A sense of duty, responsibility, self-organization, and independence are formed. Some parents during this period rush to extremes: from providing complete freedom of action to absolute control and tightening requirements. The “golden” mean is important here. It is important not to rush to send your child to school if his psyche is not ready for this serious stage. There are special techniques that help determine the degree of readiness for school. Early adolescence Another period when there is a surge in requests from parents is the transition from primary school to the secondary level of the education system. Increasing workload, changing classrooms, new teachers, each of whom has their own requirements, often become a great stress for fifth-graders. Academic performance may drop, anxiety and conflict may increase. At this age, problems with communication in a team begin to manifest themselves again,authority figures change (often their role is taken by peers). The first hormonal changes appear, which can also lead to changes in the child’s behavior. Parents often complain about lack of initiative, reluctance to learn, excessive passion for computer games, aggressiveness, and intolerance. The reasons for this behavior are different, as are the ways to correct it. General recommendations for parents are to be patient and develop a uniform line of behavior for all family members (it is impossible for one to allow and the other to prohibit - the system of prohibitions must be clear). Try to maintain contact, close, trusting relationships. If you lose contact at this stage, then the next, teenage stage can become very painful for children and parents. Until the age of ten, a child agrees with his parents on almost everything, and this is so familiar and pleasant. And then suddenly he has his own opinion, his own views and values, and the need for other authorities appears. Rebellion is a way to show one’s “I”. At this moment, parents need to understand what they want? So that their child develops as a personality, joins society with his own position, or remains weak-willed, driven, with suppressed manifestations of his feelings and desires? If you choose the first, then you cannot do without a qualitative restructuring of relationships. You will have to come down from the royal pedestal, show flexibility, listen to the opinions and feelings of a growing person. It is necessary to stop, look closely, listen, and see the process of formation of adulthood. The position of the accuser destroys the formation of personality. It is necessary to show sincere interest in hobbies, to understand what attracts him in a particular activity. Maybe it’s unobtrusive to refocus on a different social circle, a type of creativity. Often, communication between parents and children comes down to the scenario: “Have you eaten?” Did you do your homework? Did you wash the dishes? Have you folded your briefcase? Go to bed. That's it, parental duty is done. What’s going on in a child’s soul remains behind the scenes. Teenagers The most frightening period for parents is adolescence. But it’s not easy for a child either. At this time, internal conflict and disagreements with parents and peers worsen. The teenager is looking for his place in the world around him. But at the same time, pressure begins from parents and the school regarding the issue of career guidance, to which he is not always ready to answer. Two needs struggle in a teenager - to be recognized by society and the desire to express oneself, to be different from everyone else. Interest in the opposite sex appears, and with it complexes, self-doubt, and appearance. The body changes, hormonal imbalances lead to emotional instability. Parents need to be very careful about their teenager’s feelings when the object of their first crush appears on the horizon. You can't say directly if you don't like your child's new friend. By doing this, you will only achieve the opposite effect - the love will intensify, and he will turn for advice not to you, but to his peers. Invite him home, get to know him, understand what kind of person he is. At this age, teenage depression is extremely dangerous. Unfortunately, the age of suicide attempts is getting younger. Even if a teenager just said this at least once (“it would be better if you didn’t give birth to me”, “why am I living?”) - this is a signal that he needs help. Please do not ignore such signals. In any situation, even the most frightening one, the child should feel your support. Become his friend, not his judge. Remember yourself at this age, your insecurities, feelings. Here, however, a psychological trap may lie in wait - a child does not have to be the same as you were at his age. He is not you. How to regain contact In working with children and parents, we have become convinced of the effectiveness of play techniques, art therapy, and fairy tale therapy. These gentle methods of diagnosis and therapy allow you to get good results at any age. For example, the sand therapy method is very effective. Just by observing how a parent and child perform a task, you can draw conclusions about how they each communicate