Everyone has had a relationship that will be remembered for a long time and will be re-evaluated for a long time. There may even be several of them. Therefore, I want to write about the love that has passed. I recently received a question addressed to me: “Did you think that his life would have turned out differently with you?” Someone from society hands me responsibility for the life of a partner and the success of our relationship. Perhaps it works here the stereotype is that a woman is “the caretaker of love and home.” And if the relationship doesn’t work out, then it’s her failure. Important! If you feel most of the responsibility for the success of your Love, this may indicate that you are in a codependent relationship. For myself, the answer to the question “Is this my fault?” I find in the book “Born to Win” by Dorothy Jongward. In it, the authors distinguish two types of life scenarios: “Winners” (“W”) and “Losers” (“L”). Why exactly these scenarios will become clear when you read their brief. characteristic. “B” is a person who truly (authentically) reacts to everything; showing trust, care, responsibility, sincerity. “P” is someone who fails to be authentic (even with himself). There is no 100% “ V" or "P", they differ in different periods of time in the following characteristics: - realize their uniqueness and support it in others / fantasize about what they could be, manipulate, express claims - love, know / play the loving, knowing - can be independent for a long time / constantly try to be in a relationship - take responsibility for their life / avoid responsibility - live “here and now” / stuck in the past or anxious expectations of the future Mini test Complete the sentence “If I...” and “When I.” ..." How often do you dream about future achievements or regret the past? Being in a relationship with a person who lives the “P” scenario, you may have a desire to save or pursue him, and most importantly, take responsibility for his life, feel constant guilt or shame, violation of one’s own psychological boundaries (all these are signs of a codependent relationship). Is it possible to change the “Winner” and “Loser” scenario in a relationship? My personal opinion is that no. Because you are in the middle of this system, included in the process of losing and manipulation. In such a situation, intimacy interferes with objectivity. I see several ways to solve this “vicious circle”: - get out of it, that is, parting. Which can lead to the manifestation of the above described emotions of guilt and shame. The first arises because they could not save the “suffering” person, the second because they loved such an insignificant person. In order for this step to be successful, it is worth consulting with a specialist before or after it. From my own experience as a woman and a psychologist, I can say that it will not be easy. You need professional support and time for your life scenario to become “Winning” and psychological boundaries to be restored. - Pari psychotherapy is a general solution to overcome codependency and change your life scenario with the help of a psychologist. Remember, most people know what destructive relationships are, but next to this there is always the opportunity to be true in a relationship, to win in your truthfulness, sincerity.