How to regain sexual desire.Once at a conference I heard an amazing report by Esther Perel. She is a psychotherapist and explores the nature of erotic desire. She raised a question that resonated with me, because I work with couples and it also arises for me: “Why doesn’t long-term marital relationships guarantee good quality sex?” I often hear at receptions: “...at first everything was fine, we they were great lovers, he suited me completely, the sex was stunning. But gradually the sex faded away...” And I noticed that such a situation in sexual life can develop both against the background of deteriorating relationships and in generally harmonious relationships. Esther Perel revealed a secret: It's all about desire! The feeling of love and the feeling of sexual attraction, as they say in Odessa, are two very different things! Loving and wanting are not the same thing. Sexual attraction to a partner is supported by contradictory things: on the one hand, there is a desire for reliability and security, on the other, a desire for novelty and risk. So, Esther Perel interviewed a lot of couples from different countries of the world and found out at what moment a feeling of attraction to a partner arises. What signals do partners respond to, what makes them want to be with their partner? She combined these signals into several categories: 1) Attraction occurs when the partner is far away, when he is not nearby. Then it can only be in the imagination. In the imagination, reinforced by longing for the currently absent “other half”. 2) The partner sees the benefit performance of his companion: for example, shining on stage; or at a party other people are attracted to him, he is the center of attention; or when you see your partner shining, confident, not needing anyone’s support; or when a partner is completely immersed in a favorite activity, passionate about this activity - a desire arises. A feeling of attraction can arise when an absolutely comfortable distance is chosen: not too close and not too far, but allowing you to see a partner who is so familiar in something new, unexpected and a very attractive angle. And at that very moment the partner becomes somehow mysterious and elusive. 3) Novelty. The novelty is not in the change of environment or position during intimacy. And newness, in the sense that she doesn’t know about you yet? What side of yourself will you reveal to her during sex this time? What do you want to express? Spiritual unity; or mischief and mild aggression; or decide to surrender to her without a fight and relieve yourself of all responsibility; or play like in kindergarten, how are boys different from girls? Animals have sex too. But they don't have eroticism. Humans differ from animals in sexual behavior in that we have imagination, people can have sex for hours, people can anticipate intimacy. And all these things also strengthen the desire. So let's return to couples who notice the fading of desire. In the conversation, it turns out that partners become so close over the years that this leads to the extinction of desire: “The more attached I became to a person, the more responsibility I feel and the less I can afford in her presence. How can you do THIS with a loved one?” This is the paradox: the person we care about evokes less and less desire. Love (as the highest degree of care) presupposes selflessness, self-sacrifice... These are bad allies of sexual passion. But desire is, nevertheless, a selfish feeling. Esther Perel names the feelings that fuel love: reciprocity, reciprocity, protection, concern, responsibility for each other. Sometimes these feelings simply suppress passion. This happens because desire is accompanied by many feelings that we do not always prefer in love: jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance, rebellion, mischief. Basically, most of us get horny under the cover of darkness. We are excited by what we will protest against during the day. Desire is accompanied by healthy egoism, i.e. the opportunity to remain yourself in loved ones.