Nowadays, you can increasingly hear from people that they feel very lonely. But there are always so many people around, there is family, friends, a loved one. And yet there is a feeling that we are on our own, as if we are in some kind of inaccessible shell, which distances us so much from those around us. How does it happen that the very desired intimacy in a relationship becomes inaccessible? Let's try to figure it out. Blind love vs intimacy First of all, you should pay attention to how exactly we get along with certain people, whether we are even ready for this contact, or whether our expectations come to the fore. Quite often we live in captivity of the fear of loneliness, and we begin to strive for a feeling of love on its own without focusing on a specific person. The personality of our partner seems to already fall out of this process. It is not important for us to know who is next to us, we do not see him, we are ready to invent him, if only he would just be there. And in fact, our thoughts and expectations about each other prevent us from truly meeting, which causes many problems in relationships! To see another not from our knowledge of him, but from the present moment, a certain understanding of what is inside ourselves is necessary, what feelings we experience, how we cope with our fears, insecurities, unmet needs. To do this, it is very important to notice yourself, what sensations and reactions are born inside upon contact with another person, where in the body they live, what associations and images they evoke. You may notice reactions in yourself that you already had to deal with once in childhood. Unfortunately, in our culture of “always busy parents,” children are raised in such a way that the vast majority experience something like a break in relationships with significant loved ones , and a so-called developmental trauma is formed. This trauma resurfaces every time people try to create truly intimate relationships as adults. Why is this happening? The answer is simple! People unconsciously strive for a level of intimacy that would allow them to safely complete what has not been completed in their lives before. This is why we often find ourselves thrown back into traumatic relationships over and over again. We all want to receive that share of cherished intimacy from the “rejecting parent”, to rewrite the past story, but in such a way that this time we do not hurt ourselves, thereby avoiding the depth and completeness of the relationship. It is very important here to be able to see your usual reactions and separate past experiences from the feelings and sensations that may arise with you in the situation here and now. Try to see yourself and your partner in the present tense, open up to new experiences without unnecessary expectations. This is quite difficult while you keep your childhood grievances and fears inside. As a result of therapy, you can rethink your relationship with your parents, work through your boundaries, creating a safe inner space, gain the experience of positive, close contact with another person (who is played by a psychologist) and thereby open up endless resources for new deep relationships. Control and competition vs intimacy Another important aspect of avoiding intimacy that you should pay attention to is attempts to control your partner in all sorts of and not always obvious ways. When something that we hoped would happen naturally and easily does not happen, various games and manipulations come into play to reinforce the hope that it will still happen. This can be expressed in moving the focus of attention from oneself, supposedly to concern for the condition of the partner or in the game “reeducate the other,” when one of the partners takes on the role of a parent, while the other psychologically regresses to the state of a child. We use any manipulations when we want to satisfy some of our/