I already mentioned once that the brain chooses not the best option, but the most familiar one. The brain always chooses what is familiar, constantly, and this is what is the best option for it. Let's look a little at how this works. For example, a child grows up in a family where the mother regularly raises her voice. For some reason, my mother was used to behaving this way. Most likely, she is quite expressive, emotional, and it is natural for her to scream (in front of a child or at a child - there may be different options). And... at first the child is scared. For him it is difficult, incomprehensible, scary. Mom screams, and this causes a lot of different emotions. This happens the first, second, tenth, twentieth time. And on the fiftieth day, the brain gets used to the fact that mom’s cry speaks of stability in the world. The sun rises in the morning, there is snow in winter, porridge for breakfast, mom screams. This fact is one of the factors of stability that children need. Mom’s cry becomes not only familiar, but also safe. And if the mother suddenly stops screaming, the child begins to be afraid. Imagine, you got up in the morning and the sun didn’t rise, or you were cooking porridge and it turned out to be pasta) At this moment, our brain begins to signal: danger, something is going wrong, something is wrong with me or with this world. Therefore, our the brain gets used to what is repeated day after day and this is what becomes an island of safety. And this leads to two consequences. Firstly, if the mother does not scream, then the child begins to artificially try to make the mother scream. He needs this stability and is willing to pay almost any price for it. Secondly, when a child grows up, he begins to look for what is familiar. For him, security is expressed in the fact that a close person is nearby and this close person is very expressive, emotional and can raise his voice. A person does not consciously choose a partner who will yell at him. But a person chooses what is familiar and safe for him. And these are internal patterns that are embedded in us, embedded very deeply. For many days, many months and many years, what is familiar and safe for us has been formed. We can change it, we can choose something different for ourselves, but we need to understand that this requires a high degree of awareness, and this will not happen fast. If you have been in a relationship for many years when raising your voice was safe for you, then it takes time to form new patterns and you need conscious attention to them. More information in my Telegram channel https://t.me/MargaritaPsycholog I invite you to consultations in person at St. Petersburg and online