“Ambulance” for an expectant mother. (IN THE MAGAZINE "9 MONTHS"). How quickly time flies! Until recently, she was just a little girl, you braided her hair and walked her to school. Or she appeared on the doorstep holding your son’s hand, and you thought - wow, she’s still just a girl, where should she marry? And now this girl will soon be a mother too. It's hard to believe, but it's true. And your task is to help her properly prepare for her new role and become a full-fledged and happy mother for her child and your grandson. What happens? With the birth of a child, your daughter or daughter-in-law will face many changes. Previously, she was responsible only for herself, but now she will do it for two. She will have to give up some of her desires and habits, rebuild her life and relationship with her husband, say goodbye to her career for a while, reduce meetings with friends, come to terms with a change in appearance, and much more. Everyone knows what it means to be the mother of a very young child. Chronic lack of sleep, fatigue, a spoiled figure, the feeling that “my life no longer belongs to me,” monotony, being tied hand and foot - all this, together or separately, exists in the life of every mother and cannot but frighten. Everyone reacts to this differently: some people stop sleeping at night and fall into deep depression, while others try not to think about it at all. How can you help? You can help your daughter or daughter-in-law: understand the responsibility for the decision made and the future child and plan the actions that she will need to take; accept the inevitability of changes in her life (not forgetting that many of them are temporary ); at the same time, do not forget that all her sacrifices are not in vain and that in return she will receive much more - a source of continuous joy and love for her entire life. Children are capable of giving us great happiness, this is not always known while they are not yet there, but we should never forget about this. “You are forever responsible...” The very first and most important task for the expectant mother is to realize and accept her responsibility for child. All other tasks follow from it in one way or another. Restructuring your life, taking care of your health, planning for the future - everything will happen within the framework of this responsibility. How can you help your daughter or daughter-in-law? To begin with, we can recall that the decision to have a child was made by her and her husband, which means they are obliged to take full responsibility for it and all the consequences arising from it. The second is to help you understand that the future of a child directly depends on his parents, and first of all, on his mother, from the moment of conception until the son or daughter becomes an independent adult. I don’t think that your daughter or daughter-in-law has no idea about this. Rather, such a conversation with her may be necessary if she forgets about it or does not want to think about it: for example, she smokes during pregnancy or plans that the main burden of caring for the child will fall on her grandmother’s shoulders. But it’s still better, without waiting for such situations, to find out how aware she is of her responsibility to the child and is ready to take into account his interests. And if not, you definitely need to talk to her about it, explain it, give her books, share your experience. In order for the baby to be born healthy and cheerful, the expectant mother needs to carry the pregnancy properly, have a good mood and well-being, take care of her health, nutrition, and image life. You can remind her of this every time you see that she is frivolous about what she wears or eats, what daily routine she follows. This is useful, in addition to the fact that it brings her back to reality, also because a regular reminder allows her to gradually establish an almost automatic connection between her, her actions and the state of the child. But at the same time, it is important not to cross the line between reasonable persistence and endless pressure, not to be too intrusive, especially since pregnant women often perceive everything in an exaggerated form. When Katya was expecting a child, her mother came by every day after workher to take a walk together. Katya really did not like to walk; at first she strongly resisted, but her mother managed to convince her that fresh air was important for the child: the more she walked, the healthier he would be born, and the easier the birth itself would be. Gradually, Katya got used to these walks, and in the future, even if her mother could not accompany her, she walked alone. The second part of responsibility for the child is to properly care for him after childbirth. It includes both his daily care and his upbringing. You can help the expectant mother by discussing with her all aspects of this care, telling her how you did it, what mistakes you made, asking how she sees caring for the baby and, especially, raising him and expressing your love for him. After all, the most important thing for a child is not what kind of diaper he is wrapped in and what toys he plays with, but how his mother treats him. Most often there are a lot of people around the baby, but no one has as much meaning and value for him as his mother. Therefore, the more the expectant mother knows and thinks about this, the more you stimulate her to think about how she sees her role and how she is going to play it, the easier and more natural it will be for her to accept this role. “Forbidden fruits” of motherhood Another important task in accepting the status of a mother is accepting the need for restrictions on her life. You can discuss with your daughter or daughter-in-law what restrictions the birth of a child imposes on her, what interests she will have to sacrifice for him and for how long. It is important to understand two aspects here. First: restrictions are inevitable, but many of them are temporary and must be reasonable. The child does not need his mother to give up her career, communication with friends or travel forever. We need to think and plan when you can start traveling again, when you can go to work, which restrictions can be lifted earlier, which ones can be left longer, and which ones will go away on their own (after all, you can communicate with friends and travel with your child!). When Andryusha was 2 months old, his parents were invited to a birthday party out of town. They took the baby with them, and he slept peacefully in the stroller while everyone was having fun on the lawn in the forest. The second aspect of working on accepting limitations is emotional. Giving up a job you love and a successful career can be accompanied by a storm of emotions, and it is very important to help you accept them. To do this, it is necessary to realize all the feelings that accompany limitations, name them and talk about them, sympathize, without in any way devaluing or pushing them away. Usually restrictions are accompanied by fear, self-pity and anger. And if fear and pity are easily recognized and spoken out, then with anger the situation is more complicated. The reason is that the culprit of the restrictions is the unborn child, and - subconsciously - anger is directed specifically at him, and feelings of guilt and various social prohibitions prevent him from realizing it. You can help your daughter or daughter-in-law by expressing these feelings for her and supporting her with the words: “I understand you perfectly, I had the same feelings myself!”, “Of course, it’s a pity and a shame that you have to sacrifice this, but nothing can be done,” “ I really sympathize with you." You can find some similar words, it’s just important not to say others, for example: “Come on,” “All this is nonsense,” “Shame on you to say this,” “Is it worth worrying about this,” etc. d. Since she’s worried, that means she’s worth it. Denying her feelings will not help her; to alleviate them, understanding, sympathy and acceptance on your part are necessary. This is quite enough. If you find the right tone and the right words, it will become easier and easier for the expectant mother to accept her limitations and the feelings associated with them. And if she wants to cry, don’t be afraid, let her cry. Tears bring relief, and it is better to let them pour out as they appear than to accumulate inside, later leading to severe depression. When Ira found out that she was expecting a child, she cried bitterly. Her husband tried to console her, saying: “Why are you crying, baby - it’s so good!” To which she replied: “Mylife is over forever! Her husband and mother talked to her for a long time, listened, consoled her, and this helped her calm down and see the future less gloomy. Restructuring in the family The next part of the work of accepting a new status is restructuring family relationships. Here, the expectant mother needs to think about how her relationship with her husband will change and what needs to be done so that it does not collapse, but becomes even stronger and more harmonious. You can share with her your knowledge about how a man experiences his wife’s pregnancy and the birth of a child, tell her that often the future dad feels very lonely and abandoned when his wife is completely focused on the baby. In addition, he may be anxious about the future of the family and his responsibility to it. Therefore, the best thing an expectant mother can do is to involve her husband in her experiences and concerns as much as possible, share her thoughts with him, ask him more often about his experiences, and talk about her love for him. You can advise her to discuss with her husband their views on raising a child, develop a common point of view on caring for the baby, consult with him, and plan future affairs and expenses together. In order for your daughter or daughter-in-law to feel like a mother, it is important that her husband feels like a dad and is ready to support her along this path. “We are waiting for changes...” Finally, another task, this time more utilitarian - planning changes in life. The expectant mother needs to create a new daily routine for herself, determine what will need to be remodeled in the house, what to buy, what to rearrange, where and how to give birth and where to find a doctor for the future baby.. Your help can also become more utilitarian. You, again, can give her advice on how you think it’s better to rearrange the furniture, what children’s things you think are more suitable, what you definitely need to buy and do. But you can also do marketing by shopping - find out where things are sold and how much, discuss your finds with her, help her choose what is best for her family, find her a doctor, help rearrange furniture, make repairs. How to become... psychologist? Do not forget and underestimate another very important aspect of your help. This is psychological help, and its purpose is to take care of the state of mind of your daughter or daughter-in-law. It is very useful to provide her with informative assistance, give useful advice, provide her with literature, and share her experience. But it is equally important to support her emotionally and not let her fall into depression or panic. It’s very difficult for her now: her body is being rebuilt, there are a lot of things to do, restrictions and responsibilities ahead. And it is extremely necessary to help her be in a cheerful and joyful state of mind, support her as much as possible and take care of her. The better her mood, the easier it will be to accept all of the above. What can you do? The first and most important way is to talk about what the birth of a child will bring to the expectant mother, in addition to all sorts of difficulties. Pregnant women often forget why they decided to do all this, and cannot imagine how much joy, love and happiness this decision can bring them. Remind her of this more often, remember all sorts of incidents from your common past (or talk about yourself and her husband, if this is your daughter-in-law). Show her photographs of you and her little one, pay attention to how touching she looks, how you smile, what a happy face you have. Share with her the role she plays in your life and why your relationship with her is valuable to you. Help her imagine what the future baby will look like, how he will hug her, say: “Mommy, I love you!”, give her joy and happiness. The second thing you can do is promise all kinds of support after the birth of the child. First, think about how you can and want to help, what responsibilities your daughter or daughter-in-law can take on. Find out what kind of help she would like and adjust your vision. Promise her psychological support, tell her that she can always turn to you for advice or help. She will be much.