From the author: Many people are interested in how psychologists themselves cope with their irritation, whether we are generally unhappy, and the like. I’m revealing our secrets. When sending a person to hell, it can be useful to realize: 1) How deep do you want to send him there? 2) For how long? 3) How will you return it from there? 4) What will you do with yourself while HE sits there? I am a psychologist, I regularly conduct therapeutic groups, as well as trainings, one way or another related to irritation management. The topic of irritation seems very pressing to me. -The level of aggression in Russia is quite high, but our tolerance, unfortunately, is not very high. We find it difficult to calmly say “no” and disagree with each other in a friendly manner. - We are rather inclined to patiently accumulate irritation, suddenly materializing it in the most unexpected, wild and even terrible way. You are a psychologist! Many people are interested in how psychologists themselves cope with their own dissatisfaction? Are we generally dissatisfied? Etc. By the way, I personally and many other psychologists I know are VERY irritated when they tell us: “Why are you angry, you’re a psychologist?!” What definitely irritates us is when we are forbidden to feel what we are experiencing now, that is, they are forbidden to be themselves. We are people too. A psychologist is NOT a special furry animal, but also a person who is dissatisfied. True, unlike other people, psychologists know firsthand what happens if irritation accumulates (nothing good either for the person himself or for the relationship). Therefore, psychologists express dissatisfaction. Aesthetically - a sincere form of irritation “Well,” you say: “Just think! A lot of people express irritation, and often it’s not good!” - Agree! Therefore, I will explain. Psychologists know how to find an aesthetic form to express irritation - the right words, tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures. “So they’re just actors?” - you ask. - Quite the opposite! Every professional psychologist is required to undergo long-term personal psychotherapy, during which we work through our traumas, negative scenarios, problems, prejudices, etc. Without this, the psychologist is not considered fully professionally savvy and cannot receive a certificate. During personal therapy, the psychologist acquires one interesting feature that quite distinguishes him from other people (who have NOT undergone personal psychotherapy). – Professional psychologists are able to very quickly, completely and accurately determine their feelings, desires and needs at every moment of their lives. You say: “So what’s wrong? And why is this necessary? - This skill helps a lot to be sincere in expressing any of your feelings, including irritation, to select the right, precise words when clarifying the situation and expressing irritation. Agree, this is completely opposite to acting. Having undergone psychotherapy, finding yourself at a higher level of sincerity and stability, you can clearly feel this difference. Our irritation often begins with someone else’s phrase that turns us on. For us, people, and animals too, irritation is always triggered by an external factor (even when it is NOT obvious to us ). Let's imagine this external factor in the form of a phrase. - It doesn’t matter whether someone real tells us this phrase, or it “flashes” through our consciousness with lightning speed, whether an external triggering event is happening right now, or our irritation includes an actualized unfinished past event. If you try, you can quite easily understand or even remember this inclusive phrase. Try it now. Remember the person, his phrase, which INCLUDES your irritation. Even if this is NOT a phrase that is offensive in content, try to formulate the CONTENT YOU PERCEIVED, which includes your irritation (what you seem to hear to yourself, what this person or this situation seems to be telling you). For example: The person says: “You’re strange,” and you hear: “I DO NOT like you right now.” Or, a person says: “All people do this,” and you hear: “You are WRONG.”Or, a person says: “Be patient,” and you hear: “Throw your desires where they are.” Or, the person is simply silent, and you feel that he seems to be looking at you reproachfully, or has something similar on his mind. And this becomes the switch for your irritation. If you have now managed to remember this or a similar incident, then a weak, but still triggering of your emotional and bodily reaction of irritation has already occurred, which you can feel. This reaction is your most CORRECT and best response to your opponent - the offender, the irritant - of course, if you can fully and accurately (and not one-sidedly and narrowly) express it to him! Irritation with three unknowns In order not to get bogged down in theory, I will give a well-known example of a one-sided expression of irritation :Example: A wife is unhappy that her husband does NOT regularly twist the tube of toothpaste. She expressed this to her husband - calmly, specifically, to the point. Now he knows and understands what specific action his wife was not happy with. That’s already good (after all, she might NOT have said, and he might NOT have guessed and NOT found out why she was so annoyed)! She said. But! My husband doesn't understand why she gets SO annoyed? Well, he doesn’t twist the tube, so why be so annoyed? - There is not enough information, it is one-sided, and he begins to fantasize and speculate. For example, that his wife treats him badly, has stopped loving him, or is angry about something that she is hiding, and so on. All these fantasies negatively set him up against his wife. Of course, the husband could have clarified ALL the missing information from her before imagining the devil and turning himself against her. But he does NOT clarify, because he doesn’t know how, he’s not used to it, or it’s not accepted between them. Negative fantasies take over him unconsciously, quickly, strongly. And he already seems to know exactly the reason for her irritation, and as if he already has an excuse NOT to test, NOT to clarify his “knowledge” with his wife. Of course, the wife herself could take more care of him and herself, expressing herself more complete and accurate. If she was misunderstood, her responsibility is undoubtedly there too. Irritation as the engine of progress Nature has built emotions into us, including irritation. And NOT just like that! Activation of the energy of irritation, according to the plan, should lead to the expression of irritation outwardly - into contact with another person, followed by a cooperative confrontation, leading to a CHANGE in the dissatisfied situation and relationships towards progress. It is intended to make everyone feel good! If, at a moment of irritation, we sincerely managed to express our feelings, desires, doubts and suggestions, then this cannot but change the situation towards progress. Change is a marker. If the situation does not change, it means that we are expressing something wrong (or changes have already occurred, and we ignore them, this also happens). Useful algorithm for expressing irritation In any competent self-expression there are several components that are useful to VOICE to the opponent in order to be understood and so that organize a constructive conversation. If we ourselves are objects of discontent, then it is useful to clarify with the opponent those unknowns that he (no matter for what reasons) did NOT voice. Here is the algorithm: Step 1 - Description of the essence of the matter (specifics) - Example with a tube. The wife says to her husband: “For the last month, except Wednesday last week and Friday this week, you left the tube of toothpaste undone.” Step 2 - Emotional content (feelings) – Example: “When you left the tube undone, I twisted it every time , and then she got angry and upset at you.” Step 3 - Rational content (attitude) – Example: “When this happened, I realized how much I wanted to feel your care. I've been so busy with my own chores, around the house, with the kids lately, and I'm so tired. And you get tired too, yes.” Step 4 - Call for a change in the situation (sentence) – Example: “Seeing this tube, I wanted so much every time, and I want now, for you to understand my fatigue, my need for your care, to hear me - Why am I getting so worked up over a stupid tube? I want you to sympathize with me in my