“Well, who are you like, ‘Tuta’?” “Have you swallowed your tongue?” “We need to be more confident!” As our parents often told us when we were children. "Believe in yourself!" "You can!" "You will succeed!" - coaches, relatives and friends repeat in a different way. But you don’t understand how you can be such a confident pro when the words of a stranger on the street throw you into a stupor: “Are you stupid?” Yes, it seems like I’m not a fool, it flashes through my head, but then all day long I think, what if there’s really something wrong with me? So what is confidence? Is it possible to become confident and what is needed for this? For a long time I believed that to be confident means to have answers to all questions, to be a wall that cannot be broken, to emerge from any dispute, if not a winner, then at least with your head held high. Confidence for me was synonymous with invulnerability. When I came to psychology and began to practice, my opinion changed. I began to notice that the more independent and confident the client behaves at first, the deeper the pain that he shares later turns out to be. It turns out that the iron confidence we dream of often hides our vulnerability inside. So does this mean confidence is just a marketing ploy and doesn’t exist in nature? My clients, or rather their stories, helped me answer this question. Almost everyone asked how to become confident and increase self-esteem. Using the example of one of these stories, let’s try to figure out what “uncertainty” is. The young guy, the same one who was “chased” in his head by the words of strangers on the street, considered himself an uninteresting, worthless and useless person. He wanted to become more confident. “What do you want to be sure of, what are your qualities?” - my question puzzled him. He knew nothing about himself except that he was not confident in himself. So we began our acquaintance. The client made a list of his strengths and a list of shortcomings. He was surprised to discover that he was a kind, caring, attentive and well-mannered guy. It was pleasant to watch how, with each virtue spoken out loud, the client’s shoulders straightened, his head rose, and he turned into a confident man. With a list of shortcomings it was more difficult. In order to correctly identify them, at a minimum, self-honesty, objectivity and support are required. As a rule, such work is difficult to do alone. At first, the list of shortcomings was huge. We worked with everyone and checked whether the client was really weak in this, but could we be stronger here? For example, he believed that it was shameful to admit to another that you didn’t know something; you had to come up with some kind of answer, even if it was complete nonsense. It came as a complete surprise to the client that you can simply tell a person that you don’t understand something, you forgot, you misstepped. And you won’t be considered stupid, slow, or otherwise. We had to deal with shortcomings that the client himself did not consider as such and that his inner critic whispered to him about. It took time for the client to begin to negotiate with this voice and the shortcomings were no longer perceived as sharp and painful. As a result of the work, weaknesses or “growth points” remained, which the client studied and wanted to change. There weren't many of them. For example, he lacked the experience of close communication with other people. One of the options for gaining such experience could be further psychotherapy, where the client could learn such interaction in a safe environment. Has the client become more self-confident as a result of our work? In my opinion, yes. He recognized himself: his strengths, and began to learn to rely on them. I studied my weak points, some of which I wanted to change, others I began to gradually show. And, naturally, it was the latter that turned out to be the most difficult. So what is “confidence” through the lens of customer history, how can I define it? Confidence is the ability to fully accept yourself: build on your strengths and demonstrate your weaknesses. What is needed for this? Know yourself - your strengths and weaknesses?